


All My Life

by emerald_peach



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cancer, Inspired by Shadowhunters (TV), M/M, Malec, Sick Character, Some Humor, my favorite trope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-23 02:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 88,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23471161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emerald_peach/pseuds/emerald_peach
Summary: Alec felt like the luckiest man in the world. He was going to marry the love of his life, he had great friends and family, and he was content in his career. There wasn’t much Alec could think to ask for.Until Alec gets a diagnosis that will change his life.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood
Comments: 412
Kudos: 583





	1. Chapter 1

“So what do you think, darling? Pastels or warmer tones? The pastels would be beautiful in the springtime but the warmer tones would complement both our skin tones.” Magnus had been asking him several questions like that over the past few weeks. Ever since they got engaged Magnus was shamelessly making Pinterest boards for their wedding. Every night when they laid in bed, Alec would read his book, while Magnus opened up his laptop to his various wedding planning sources. Alec joked Magnus was only in it for the wedding, not the marriage. Magnus had gone to playfully swat his arm but got distracted by his engagement ring.

  
“I doubt anything you plan will be as beautiful as you, Magnus.” A bold statement to his wedding planner boyfriend- _fiancé_ \- but true nonetheless. Magnus was unlike any other man Alec had ever known. Not just in his beauty, but in his strength and character. Before meeting Magnus, Alec’s dating history was… sparse. His most serious relationship before Magnus was Lydia in high school and that nearly put him off relationships for the rest of his life. Not that Lydia wasn’t a wonderful girlfriend, he considers her to be one of his best friends now, but they were wrong for each other in every way.

  
The memory of breaking up with Lydia still shames him to this day, unlike Lydia who finds it hysterical now. It was senior year and Alec had been having suspicions on whether or not he was gay, he enjoyed watching Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, but no boy in their school really caught his eye, and he felt none of them should have when he had Lydia. But after their prom, Lydia and Alec snuck out to the golf course in her dad’s 1967 Mustang. They had started to kiss, which Alec never found unpleasant, he enjoyed it quite a bit. But when Lydia lowered her dress to show Alec her breasts for the first time, Alec blurted out, “Oh my god, I’m gay.”

  
He left that car single and with a black eye.

  
They lost contact with each other until the summer of their sophomore year in college. Alec missed her, and for some reason Lydia missed him too. They talked things over, and after a drunk tearful night they swore to always remain friends. She was the one Alec first came out to, even though it was unintentional, she was the one to take him to a gay bar for the first time, and she was the one who stood by his side when he came out to his parents. She was also the first person he told his engagement to, and she had been as happy as he was.

  
Alec felt like the luckiest man in the world. He was going to marry the love of his life, he had great friends and family, and he was content in his career. There wasn’t much Alec could think to ask for.

  
Alec winced. “Is your head hurting you again, darling? You need to go to the doctor. You can’t keep living like this.”

  
So perhaps there was one thing in Alec’s life he wanted to change. His headaches. They had been an annoyance in his life for a few months, and it had been getting worse. Sometimes they got so bad his vision would blur and he would lose his balance.  
“I know, Magnus. I have an appointment tomorrow actually.”

  
Not a lie, technically. Alec had had a few appointments for his headaches. Finally, they did an MRI last week and tomorrow he would be getting the results. He didn’t tell anyone, he didn’t want anyone to worry. Especially Magnus. He knew what would happen if he told Magnus he would start to panic and go on Web MD, and jump to the worst possible conclusion, convinced Alec was dying. Magnus was a strategic worrier, it was what made him so great at his job. If one thing went wrong, he had backup plans A, B, and C.

  
“Do you want me to come with you? I might be able to move some things around.” Alec definitely could not bring Magnus to get the results of the scan, especially when he never told him about it in the first place.

  
“No, it’s fine. I’m really not that worried. How about I meet up with you at Taki’s after work instead? I will tell you all about it then.”  
“Well, if you say so darling. If you aren’t worried, then I will make sure to worry enough for the both of us.” Magus winked at him and kissed his cheek.

Alec liked Dr. Garroway immediately when he met him. He was a large man, full of muscles and broad shoulders, intimidating in size but it was his smile that won you over. In just the few times Alec had seen the doctor he could tell that Dr. Garroway was a paternal figure to all. Nurses loved him, other doctors respected him, and the patients trusted him. Sitting in his office, Alec felt at ease with him. Until he said the unimaginable.

“I’m sorry, but there isn’t much we can do.”

Alec could hear those words, words like ‘cancerous’ and ‘tumor’, but they didn’t make sense. It was if they slid through his mind and turned to ice. Alec could clearly see the tumor on his brain on the scan. A blob. A misshapen blob that was killing him.

  
“So what are my options?”

  
Dr. Garroway sighed, “Well, unfortunately brain tumors are a challenge. Your body is designed to keep out things that will harm you, like chemotherapy-” but not a tumor apparently, “and we never know what will happen with surgery. It depends on whether or not we can even get in there. And even if we do, we won’t be able to completely remove the tumor. Some pieces will still be left. Especially given the size of the tumor.”

  
“So what you’re saying is I’m screwed?” Alec stared at the plant on his desk. A fern maybe? Possibly fake, the leaves looked too waxy to be real.

  
Dr. Garroway didn’t reply right away, he stared down at his clipboard as if it would give him all the answers he needed. “Look, every patient is different, and every tumor is complicated. There are risks with any procedure. Whatever you choose to do, we need to act quickly and aggressively.” The soil in the plant looked moist though, so it was definitely real. Dr. Garroway must have a green thumb to have a plant that looks so vibrant. Then again, everything looked different to Alec now, the light was too harsh, and the clothes on his skin felt too itchy. It felt like he could feel each individual hair on his head, and his pulse on every part of his body. If he really focused, Alec could swear he even felt the tumor in his brain.

  
Alec cleared his throat, “So if I do that, I won’t… die?”

  
The air in the room was suffocating him. He couldn’t be sick, he did everything right. When his dad died he made sure his siblings were taken care of. He was responsible in school, and made sure to get scholarships so his mom wouldn’t have to worry. He was everyone’s shoulder to cry on, and he never burdened others with his problems. He recycled and drove a freaking Prius! Things like this don’t happen to people like him.

  
“The fact is, we really don’t know what the outcome will be.”

  
“But if you had to guess, how long do you think I have?”

Dr. Garroway seemed to sink into his chair, as if a heavy burden fell onto his shoulders that was too heavy for him to carry. “At most? Maybe a couple of years. I have seen some live up to five.”

  
Five years. One thousand eight hundred and twenty five days.

  
It wasn’t enough time.

  
How was he going to coach his future kids soccer games? How was he going to walk Isabelle down the aisle? How was he going to travel the world with Magnus? _Magnus._

How was he going to look into his loved ones eyes and tell them that he was dying?


	2. Chapter 2

Alec isn’t sure how he got here. One minute he was walking out of the hospital with a baggie full of informational brochures, and the next he is on a Central Park bench. It was a beautiful spring day, the grass was green, the birds were chirping. Even Happy Joe, the homeless man that lived in the park, smelled slightly better than usual. Everything in the air promised to be a good day. It had never really occurred to Alec when he was having a good day, that someone else was dealt a life changing blow. It’s not something he could easily forget now. 

He was dying. Sure, everyone had an expiration date, but you were never supposed to know when it was. He was dying. Five years, at most. It could be a year from now, it could even be a few months from now. Questions kept circling and dancing in his head, and it made him dizzy.

_ What am I supposed to tell my family? How do I say it without falling apart? How can I keep them from falling apart? Who is going to take care of them when I’m gone? _

_ Is going through treatment even worth it? _

Dr. Garroway and him decided the best course of action was to start radiation and chemotherapy, his first round was next Friday, but he had many consultations to go to before the actaul treatment started. Alec distantly remembered that Magnus had a wedding planned that day. His clients were bursting out the seams with money, and this was a big ticket for him, he would have to go. Maybe Alec could bring Jace instead, if he wasn’t too tired from work. Jace just started at a new precinct, so he had the grunt work of night shifts at the police station. He knew Jace would drop anything to go with Alec, that anyone in his family would, he just wasn’t sure if he wanted them to. Not yet. 

Alec wanted to feel normal for just a little while longer. He wanted to have lunch with his sister and mom on weekends, and he wanted to go to the basketball court with Jace to play a few games, and he wanted to be able to help Magnus plan their wedding. How could he do any of that with that dark shadow hanging over them? How could they not treat him differently? 

His phone shook him out of his thoughts when it started to ring. Looking at the time he realized he had been sitting here for almost two hours. He saw on the caller ID that it was Magnus, and for the first time since he met Magnus he intentionally let it go to voicemail. He wasn’t ready to talk to him yet, or anyone else. Magus would know immediately that something was wrong. 

Alec sighed and got up from the bench, and started to walk with no particular destination. On this beautiful day there were many families out in the park. Parents smiling while their kids ran, young couples holding hands, eldery people reading on the benches. Happy people were everywhere. Happy, healthy,  _ living _ people. For a moment Alec felt a deep twinge of resentment, then immediately felt guilty. It wasn’t their fault he was sick, and that his days were limited. His phone buzzed again in his pocket, pulling it out he saw a text from Magnus.

_ Hello, darling. I just called to see how your appointment went. I know we were supposed to meet at Taki’s later but I just got a call from Izzy and your family is having dinner tonight and I said we would go. We are meeting there at 7. Call me back! I love you. _

Sighing Alec dialed Magnus bracing himself. “Alexander! Did you get my text? Are you feeling well enough to go to your mom’s house tonight?” No. He didn’t. He wanted to lay in bed and sleep. He flinched when he realized he only had a couple more years before that’s exactly what he would be doing. 

“Yeah, that’s okay with me. Do you just want to meet up there?”

“Well, I was hoping we could walk there together. I have been so busy this week that I feel like I have barely seen you. I miss you.”  _ Soon you will have your whole life away from me… _

“I miss you too. Yeah, I will run home soon and get ready to go.” Alec hoped he sounded as casual as he meant to.

“So, how was your appointment? I have been thinking about you all day.”  _ Yeah, turns out it is just a giant tumor that is slowly killing me. How was your day? _ Alec couldn’t tell him the truth. Not yet, and not over the phone.

“Nothing too exciting. Just some new pain medication, and another check up next week to see how I’m doing.” Alec surprised himself with how easily the lie slid out.

“That’s great news. Thank you for going, I know you seem to think Advil will solve any problem, so I’m glad you actually went and got help. Anyway, I am just finishing up at the florist’s and then I will meet you at home, okay? See you soon, love.”

Alec wasn’t sure what he was dreading more, the radiation or breaking Magnus’s heart.

  
  


When Alec got home he jumped into the shower, hoping to scrub the day off. As if he could find the person he used to be before today. Just regular Alec, not a cancer patient. He heard Magus enter the apartment and call out his name. A tight sickening feeling closed around his chest.  _ No, Magnus. Don’t come in here. Bad things are about to happen. _ _  
  
_

Magnus walked straight into the bathroom without knocking, because after being in a relationship for six years there was no such thing as privacy. They were long past any guises of embarrassment, nothing about each other grossed them out. Alec wondered if Magnus would still feel the same when he starts getting sick from his treatments. 

“Today was crazy. The Jefferson couple has their wedding next Friday and the bride has gone totally insane. She made one of her bridesmaids cry today because her shoes were rose gold, not gold. I told her that she will be so stunning that no one will even notice her shoes, but she was inconsolable. Then, she tried blaming me for her wedding band cancelling last minute. So now I have to find a new band in just a week’s time. I am charging them extra for this.” Magnus pulled open the shower door, and gave Alec a searing gaze, “But what a prize to come home to.”

Alec managed a smile, “Have you seen yourself lately? I am the real winner here.” That might be the only true thing Alec would manage to tell Magnus today.

Magnus winked before slowly taking off his clothes, “Then how about you and I celebrate our victory?” Alec swallowed, and felt his body heat up. It amazed him how even with everything going on, Magnus could still provoke him. When Magnus slid under the water with him, Alec was determined to forget about his problems, and focus on loving Magnus with everything in him.

  
  
  


Much later, when their fervent movement turned into soft touches, Alec managed to lift his head from his pillow and look at the clock. “Dammit, we need to get going soon.” Magnus lifted his head too and groaned. “As much as I love your family, I would be more than willing to skip tonight and spend the rest of it here with you. God, I can’t get enough of you.” Just that statement brought the choking fear back into Alec’s body. He remembered he still had to tell Magnus, tell him that one day he was going to be alone.  _ I can’t do it! _

To distract himself he got up and started to get dressed, “Well, if we are skipping tonight you can be the one to call Izzy and let her know.” 

“Oh, you fight dirty, darling.” Magnus growled.

  
  


Once dressed and presentable, they made their way out and got a cab to take them to Alec’s mother's apartment. After Alec’s father passed away a few years ago, Maryse had downsized and moved into her own place. Everyone was shocked when she sold their home, but she said that she felt lonely with all that room but no family to fill it.  _ Oh god, I have to tell my mother too, after she has already lost so much.  _

Magnus and him made small talk the way there and he tried to stay clear of any conversation about his day. He could only lie for so long. Maybe at dinner he will tell everyone. But as they stepped into his mother’s place that idea was shot quickly down. Because as they opened the door everyone yelled, “Surprise!”

It wasn’t just family here, all of their friends were here as well. Alec could see Lydia and her boyfriend John, Catarina, Ragnor. Even Hodge was there, an old business partner of his father’s. The apartment was decorated in silver and white streamers and balloons, and a banner was hung in the hallway that read, “Mr. and Mr.” An engagement party.  _ Fan-fucking-tastic. _

“You guys! This is amazing!” Magnus cried. Alec could only weakly smile and say, “Thanks.”

“Well we couldn’t let this moment go without a party! What kind of event planner would I be?” Clary winked at Magnus. Magnus and Clary started their own event planning business a couple years ago. They met at a convention in Manhattan and they bonded over their hatred of the cranky food caterer, Lorenzo Rey. The little redheaded scrap had fit in perfectly with the family, filling a gap they didn’t know existed. Not only did she make Magnus happy, but she made Jace happy too, and so Alec made space in his heart for her.

Izzy rushed up and hugged them both, “Now Magnus, I know that you and Clary probably have this wedding basically planned, but I would never forgive you if you didn’t let me help.”

“Of course you can help, my dear Isabelle. I need you to help with a very important job. Helping Alexander find a tuxedo.” Izzy laughed and Alec glared at her. “I think I am grown enough to be able to dress myself.” Both her and Magnus gave a mock glance of disapproval at his torn jeans and faded black sweater. Alec rolled his eyes and went to find Jace, while Magnus and Izzy laughed. 

Jace was sitting at the kitchen counter nursing a beer, he looked worn. “Hey, is everything okay? You look tired.”

“These night shifts are killing me. I didn’t get much sleep today, I wanted to be awake when Clary got home.” One thing that had always surprised Alec was the devotion Jace had for Clary. Jace who used to be the ultimate player had met his match in Clary.

“I won’t be offended if you head home early, I know you guys are happy for me. You didn’t need to throw a party to prove it.”

Jace laughed, “Yeah, I’m sure Clary would be thrilled if I didn’t enjoy every second of this. Maybe the engagement party might not be my thing, but you better believe the bachelor party is where I am stepping up as the best man.”

“I never asked you to be my best man.” Alec tried to hold back his smile.

“You didn’t have to.” 

Alec couldn’t help himself and he reached over and hugged Jace. Tightly. Jace made a shocked sound but held him back. Tears sprang to Alec’s eyes and he tried to control his emotions.  _ How much longer am I going to have to do this? _

“Alec, are you okay?” Jace’s face was concerned as he gripped his shoulder.

“Yeah, I guess with the wedding plans and all it’s made me emotional.” 

Jace grinned wolfishly, “Pussy.”

_ Never mind, maybe dying was okay.  _ Alec punched his shoulder.

“Boys! No fighting! Wait until everyone leaves.” Maryse said. She looked lovely in a plum colored dress and heels. She had her hair done and she looked happier than she had in years. Even her posture didn’t seem as stiff. She looked like the same mom that used to let Alec lick the spoon after she made brownies. The mom who was at every football game cheering from the sidelines. The mom who hugged Alec the day he said he was gay and said, “I know, and I love you still.” Until this moment, Alec didn’t realize how much he missed that mom, and he reached over and hugged her too.

“Alec is all about affection today. I think he might be sick.” Jace jokingly said. Ice filled Alec’s veins, _ I am. _

“It took me months to get Alexander to show affection, don’t ruin all the progress, Blondie.” Magnus walked in with two flutes of champagne and handed one to Alec with a quick kiss to his cheek. All around Alec he was surrounded with love, so much that it almost suffocated him, but Alec found he didn’t mind it. Maryse pulled Alec and Magnus into the living room so they could greet all of their guests.

Catarina ran over to Magnus and hugged him, “Okay, let me see the ring, you haven’t posted any pictures of it on Instagram, and I am dying to see it.”

“Oh, you mean this little old thing?” Magnus held out his left hand with a flourish. When choosing the ring for Magnus, Alec knew it had to be bold, just like Magnus. It was a thick yellow gold band with an amethyst stone in the center with a diamond halo around it. When he saw it, he knew that it was meant for Magnus. 

“Oh my god, it’s beautiful! How did Alec do it? Was it romantic?”

Magnus laughed, “Oh now this is a story!” Alec blushed, he knew he was never great when it came to romance, but his proposal was probably his biggest blunder. Second to prom with Lydia. He noticed that everyone in the room had stopped their conversations and circled around them to listen to Magnus. Magnus was like that, he was so bright and vibrant you couldn’t help be drawn towards him. Magnus noticed it too, and the showman that he was, raised his voice so everyone could listen.

“So I came home from work late after working a wedding, and Alec had laid rose petals on the floor and lit the room with candles. I think I knew then that he was going to propose, because Alec’s idea of romance is to cut french toast into hearts. Not that I don’t love that, darling, but you went above and beyond with this. So, I walk onto the balcony and I find Alec dressed up in a suit, and a romantic lobster dinner laid out. The meal was perfect, the company was even better. So we eat this wonderful meal, and I am just waiting for Alec to pop the question. I am not sure who was more nervous!” Alec knew that was a lie for his benefit. Magnus was always so composed, there was no way he could be nervous about that. “So here we are, drinking wine and enjoying our dessert of chocolate cake, and then finally Alexander clears his throat and gets up from the table. My heart is going a mile a minute, because I think, here we go, one of the most important moments of my life is finally happening. Well, unbeknownst to us, Alexander's shoe was untied. He tripped on his shoelace, and as he was going down he caught the tablecloth. He faceplants onto the floor and our dinner goes everywhere.” Everyone starts laughing at this, and Alec feels his face go hot and red. “So, he did not propose that night. I have to admit I was a little disappointed, but not for long. The next morning, I am in the kitchen making breakfast and he just walks in and says ‘Will you please just marry me already?’ There has never been a more perfect moment in my life.” Magnus gazed lovingly at Alec, and Alec leaned over to kiss him. He thinks he hears Izzy tell them to get a room. 

Alec disagrees, though privately. The most perfect moment for Alec is not when Magus said yes to his proposal. It is when Magnus first said “I love you”. When Alec realized that somehow this wonderful man was his. That for some reason Magnus wanted to be his. 

“I suppose I messed up the proposal, but I got the answer I wanted.” Alec says and he takes a gulp of his champagne, and grips Magnus closer to his side, trying to summon up the courage to tell everyone exactly what Magnus means to him. 

“I have messed up a lot of things in this relationship, and I know I am going to mess up so much more. I am not perfect, but for Magnus I am always willing to try. When I first met Magnus, I was afraid to want this, and I never thought I would get to have this. I’m grateful Magnus decided to stick around, he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.” Looking around, Alec saw Izzy and his mom holding each other's hands with tears in their eyes. Lydia was in the corner hiding her smile behind her hand. Even Jace looked a little less cocky. Alec turned to face Magnus and saw that he wasn’t tearing up, or even smiling. He had a look of complete reverence, and Alec could see just how much Magnus loved him, it almost rivaled his own love for Magnus. 

He could tell everyone right now about what happened today, and those looks of love Alec desperately craved would turn into horror. They wouldn’t abandon him, that he knew, but they would pity him. They would be his nurses, his caretakers, everything he did would be closely watched and scrutinized for any changes. All of their plans would be put on hold to help him, Alec couldn’t let them do that. Izzy was just about to graduate with her doctorate to be a pathologist. Jace was trying to climb up the ranks at the station. His mom was finally putting herself back together. And Magnus,  _ oh Magnus, _ he would burn the whole world down to keep Alec with him. That decided him, he wasn’t going to tell them. He didn’t need them to help him, he needed them to be just as they were right now. As long as those smiles stayed on their faces, Alec could get through anything.

“Magnus, I can’t promise you a life full of perfect moments, and romance. I can’t promise that everything won’t fall apart. But one thing I can promise you is this, I will love you, and stay by your side for the rest of my life.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and suggestions are always welcome! I have never really posted any stories for anyone to read before so I don't mind any helpful tips!


	3. Chapter 3

Before this diagnosis Alec couldn’t really say he had a firm opinion about hospitals. Sure, no one enjoyed going, but before this Alec never thought of a hospital being hell itself. He hated it. He hated every single perfectly white floor tile, and the boring beige walls. He hated the tacky floral paintings that hung on the walls, and he especially hated the waiting. Waiting on results, waiting for the doctors, waiting for something to happen. There should be a certain amount of rush when it comes to a hospital, especially in the oncology department. Alec just found out he had a small handful of years left, he did not want to spend them in this fucking hospital. 

“Alec? Dr. Garroway is ready to see you now.” The nurse said. He thinks her name is Emma, but honestly Alec had seen so many faces this past week they were all starting to blur together. Alec got up from his seat and put back the Home and Gardens magazine he wasn’t really reading. It was just something for his hands to fidget with. 

Walking into Dr. Garroway’s office Alec felt numb. He had not been back into this room since he found out about his tumor. The last week had been filled with so many meetings with other doctors, oncologists, and nurses. All of them kind, and attentive, but Dr. Garroway was Alec’s favorite. He was straightforward in a way the others had not been, not giving him false hope, or saying he could beat this. Alec didn’t want to have hope, or pretend this was something he could beat. It would just be so much more crushing when his body failed him. 

  
  


Dr. Garroway stood up to greet Alec, motioning for him to sit in the chair in front of his desk. “Good morning, Alec. How has everything been treating you?”

_ If I have to sit through one more goddamn meeting with another doctor, I might just end myself before the cancer even has a chance _ . “Pretty well.”

“I just wanted to touch base before you started your chemo. Looks like you have your first round this Friday, and I know you have seen so many people, but I just wanted to make sure you had everything you needed.”

“I think so, the whole thing sounds pretty easy. Sounds like I just sit in a chair for a while, with an IV in. And then after that I will throw up everything in my stomach, lose my hair, bruise like a peach, and feel like I might faint. So I’m pretty pumped for all of that.” After the initial shock wore off Alec just felt… tired. 

Dr. Garroway chuckled, “That is the gist of it. As awful as all of that sounds, we are trying to keep the cancer from spreading. Who is going with you? It is best if patient’s have a loved one take them.”

“Oh, I haven’t thought about that. I might just take the bus. I don’t really need my family seeing me like that.”

Dr. Garroway gave him a strange look, he almost looked disappointed. For some reason that made Alec squirm. “I’m sure your family would want to be there for you. Not only for you, but for them as well. The people you love want to be there to help you.”

Alec looked down at his hands, picking at his nails. “I actually haven’t told anyone yet.”

“Ah, I see.” Alec looked up to see compassion on the older man’s face. Alec felt a need to confide in him. Alec usually liked to keep things locked away, at least until he absolutely could not contain it any longer. 

“I don’t know how to tell them. How can I do that to them? To see them hurt like that. I know that I can’t keep it from them forever. Eventually they will notice I’m sick. That I don’t have the energy anymore, or when my hair falls out. My fiancé will definitely notice when my sex drive takes a dive. I want to tell them, but then I look at how happy they are and I feel so guilty to be taking that from them.”

“You make it sound like you asked to have cancer. This isn’t your fault, and while I don’t know your family, I doubt they would ever blame you for this. However, they might blame you for keeping this from them. If one of them had cancer, how would you feel if they kept you in the dark?”

Alec frowned at that. What if Magnus had cancer, or anyone in his family? He couldn’t ever imagine a world where he wouldn’t want to be by their side for all of it. To be able to be by their side for as long as he could, while he still could. Thinking of it that way, Alec felt ashamed he ever tried to keep it to himself. He knew the loyalty of his family, knew the lengths they would go for him. 

Alec took a deep breath before responding, “But if I tell them, then this is all real.” He could feel his eyes start to burn. The doctor looked at him for a minute, studying him. Trying to figure out how to tell Alec that what was happening was inevitable. 

“As horrible as this all is, this is your reality now. I can’t imagine being in your shoes, and I see people dying every single day. But you don’t have to walk alone. This burden is too heavy to be carried alone. It’s okay to rely on others, as difficult as that may be. Rant to the nurses when the pain starts to be too much, they will pull up a chair and listen to every word. They might even cry with you. Hell, even call me. Cuss me out when you’re so angry you can’t even see straight. Take a day with your family and just be yourself. Because you are going to need to remember who that was to get through this.” 

Dr. Garroway got up from his seat and walked around his desk to grip Alec’s shoulder. At this point, Alec was sure that was the only thing keeping him grounded. “Alec, you don’t have to be alone.” Tears started to run down Alec’s cheeks, his throat felt sore and rough as words failed him. 

“I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t think I’m strong enough.” 

“No, Alec. You have no idea of the strength you possess until you are forced to endure.”

There wasn’t much left to say after that. Alec sat there quietly crying and soaking in Dr. Garroway’s strength. He wanted to be someone else, someone healthy. Someone who could promise their family a future. Someone who could live by Mangus’s side. 

“There is a support group that I know of that meets at the community center twice a week, for people with cancer. The person who runs it, Simon, is a good friend of mine. He had cancer as a teenager, and he started it a few years ago to help people like him. He’s a good kid, I can give you his number.”

  
  
  
  
  


Which is how on a boring, cloudy Wednesday afternoon Alec found himself in front of the Helping Hands Community Center. He had called Simon right after his appointment when he was feeling vulnerable, and Simon had eagerly given him details. He seemed nice, passionate about what he was doing. 

Alec had taken a week of vacation from work for the week from hell he had. Miraculously, Magnus had not caught on. He had been so busy with work that they hadn’t had much of a chance to catch up. Which was fine with Alec, he knew he had to tell Magnus the truth, but not yet. Not until he could wrap his head around it, which is what he had hoped this group would help him with. 

“Are you going to go in, or just glare at it until it catches fire?”

Alec looked up to see a man smiling at him. He was tall, as tall as Alec, with broad shoulders and a handsome face, even though it seemed a little too pale, the dark circles under his eyes prominent...with no hair. He had cancer, he was a member of this group. Alec could feel his jaw drop, as he realized he was going to look like this. 

“Yeah, I know I look like shit, but I didn’t think I looked that shocking.” The words sounded like they should be bitter, but they sounded easy. Like he had long accepted his luck. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. I just… it’s just… I am supposed to be… I’m sorry.” Alec hoped God was watching and was so disappointed in him that he would smite him from where he stood. 

The man waved off his apology, “Hey, that’s fine. I take it you’re Alec?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Simon texted everyone we would be having a new member joining, and told us to be on our best behavior. Considering you have all of your hair, and you don’t look like shit like me, I take it you’re a newbie? My name is Andrew Underhill. Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”

“I have a brain tumor, I guess it doesn’t look too great for me, and my doctor recommended this group.”

“Yeah, this group has been great for me. It’s nice to be around people who get it. It’s also nice just to be anywhere besides my bed or the hospital. Have you started your chemo yet?”

“Uh, no. I start Friday.”

“Well then Alec, enjoy your last days of health. I’ll see you in there when you’re ready. Simon probably went out and got the good donuts for your first day, so I need to go in and snatch one while I can.” With that, Andrew walked up the steps and left Alec alone with his thoughts.

He could turn around, walk home, maybe grab a case of beers and watch crap documentaries. Pretend this whole week never happened, that he was still plain Alec Lightwood. But he wasn’t that man anymore. He wasn’t the boring financial manager, or the protective older brother, or the shy lover Magnus knew anymore. While he wasn’t quite sure who he was anymore, he knew those people in this building would be a good place to figure it out. Taking a deep breath, Alec walked up the steps to Helping Hands Community Center, and welcomed this new terrifying life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, still no reveal to Magnus yet. I have a few plans for that. Feel free to give me advice for future chapters! Hope everyone is staying safe!


	4. Chapter 4

The Helping Hands Community Center was modest in size, a few meeting rooms, a small kitchen, and a gymnasium, a mural painted in the hallway of a rainbow made with small handprints. There were weird stains in the faded blue carpet, and a pungent smell of sweat and bleach. The first door on the right had a sign on the door that said “Welcome, Alec!” which made Alec roll his eyes.  _ At least someone is excited about all of this.  _

Walking into the meeting room, Alec saw Andrew talking to a shorter man with glasses and a Star Wars t-shirt. Andrew glanced up from his conversation and gave Alec a small smile. The man he was speaking to practically sprinted over to Alec to greet him. “Hey! You must be Alec. I’m Simon, I talked to you yesterday. Andrew already told me he met you outside so let me introduce you to the others”

Looking around the room it was pretty plain, it looked like a regular classroom with a whiteboard at the front of the room, chairs had been moved to fit in a circle. Tables had been cleared to the side except one with drinks and snacks on it. There were motivational posters plastered around the room, Alec wondered if they were always there or if Simon was as cheesy as he thought. Simon brought him to a man who looked as welcoming as the gates of hell. He had a pasty complexion, and Alec could tell that normally he had dark skin, but today he looked almost dead. 

“This is Raphael, he has been with this group for about a year now. Raphael, this is Alec Lightwood.”

Alec reached out to shake his hand but the man scoffed at him. “I know this is Alec, Simon. You have been talking about our new member all day. Don’t think I will keep running these errands for you, like getting snacks, to make the new one feel welcome”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry about that Raphael, if my doctor is right, I won’t be around in this group long enough to bother you.” Alec sneered.  _ Where did that come from? _ Alec had always been sarcastic, sometimes moody according to Izzy, but he was never morbid. Did that come with a death sentence? Alec was about to apologize but Raphael just smiled and started to walk away, “I think it’s gonna be okay having you around here, Lightwood.”

There was an awkward silence between Alec and Simon after Raphael had walked away, filled only by the chatter of other members. “I’m really sorry, Simon. I will try to bite my tongue.” Simon waved him off, “I wouldn’t worry about it, everyone here has a sick sense of humor. It’s a coping mechanism. Finding humor in things traumatic so it doesn’t seem so traumatic. We talk about that in here quite a bit. I actually encourage members to say what they would like, to let out steam. Anyway, let me finish introducing you to everyone. You know Andrew, and the girl beside him is Maia. Then there is Maureen, Meliorn, Alaric and finally Aline.” Everyone seemed friendly enough, giving Alec a small smile, but Alec couldn’t help but be sad. There was so much tragedy in one room, and he wondered who all would be here this time next year. Would he?

“Well, I think it’s time we get started, everyone if you could just take a seat.” 

Alec found himself sitting in between Andrew and Maia. At first glance, you wouldn’t even know Maia was sick, her hair was curly and wild, her posture confident, and her eyes were daring you to cross her. But looking closer, you could see the shadows under her eyes, the faint bruising on her arms, and the droop in her shoulders. She still looked beautiful and vibrant, Alec hoped he could be like her. 

“So everyone, since we all know Alec is new here, I thought maybe he could start and introduce himself. Alec, feel free to talk about anything. This is a judgement free zone, because odds are everyone in this room has dealt with the same. You only have to share what you are comfortable with.”

All eyes were on him, and Alec couldn’t help but feel nervous. Who was he to complain? He just started this journey, had yet to go through his first round of chemo. He hadn’t even told his family yet, not much in his life had changed yet, but at the same time everything changed, and maybe it was time to start adjusting to that change.

“Well, I work at Idris Marketing in finance. I’m the guy that crunches the numbers and helps them make money. Uh, I have a brother, Jace, he’s a cop. My sister Izzy is finishing her doctorate right now, so I’m really proud of her for that. I have a fiance, his name is Magnus. We have been together for almost five years now. My first appointment for chemo is Friday, I’m told it’s very simple, but I’m not sure I believe that.” 

“Doctor’s like to lie about how easy this is going to be to trick you to stay alive. They don’t profit from dead people.” Raphael quipped and the group members laughed, even Alec joined in. Suddenly he didn’t feel so nervous with these people, they knew what he felt. Sure, he wasn’t where they were, but they had been where he was. Scared, and unsure where to go from here. 

“I swear, when I get better, I am going to be a mortician. You will never lose business, and at this point in my life a corpse isn’t even the scariest thing I’ve seen.” Maia said. 

Aline shook her head, “When I’m better, I am going to go to school to work in a maternity ward. After all of this I want to work with people at the beginning of their life, not the end.” Alec had to smile at that, because what a beautiful way to look at it. 

“I like this positive thinking. What else are you going to do when you get better?” Simon said. Raphael rolled his eyes again but said nothing.

“When I get better, I am going to finally have sex with my husband again.” Andrew stated. Alec was suddenly very alarmed. 

“You can’t have sex with cancer?” He knew that his sex drive would go down, but he hoped he would at least rise to the occasion every once in a while. 

“Well we could, but even on my good days my husband is too scared to even try. He says he doesn’t want to cause any setbacks. Part of me wonders if he just says that, because he’s too nice to say that I’m not the man I used to be.”  _ Would Magnus think that? _

“Your husband loves you, Andrew. He isn’t in this for the sex.” Aline said. Alec liked Aline, she seemed like sunshine, bright and warm. 

“I wish Jordan would have thought that way.” Maia muttered. Everyone looked at her in understanding. 

“Jordan didn’t deserve you. If he couldn’t stand by you through this then he didn’t deserve to be in your life at all.” Maureen replied. Alec didn’t want to pry into Maia’s life, but he could assume. Jordan left when things got too heavy to handle. There was no doubt in Alec’s mind that Magnus would stay, that wasn’t what Alec was afraid of.  _ What am I so afraid of?  _

“I don’t even blame him for leaving. I understood why he left, sometimes it’s even hard to live with myself. Why should I expect him to be able to?” Maia tried to sound steady, but Alec could hear the quiver in her voice.

“Maia-” Simon started but was cut off.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Maia said firmly. The air was thick and Alec wasn’t quite sure what to do or say. He felt like he should say something, but these people were still strangers to him, and he had never been too great at reading a room. He always relied on Izzy or Magnus for that, they had the uncanny ability to ease through any situation, he envies that. 

“Okay, we don’t have to talk about that. Does anyone else have anything they would like to share?” Simon looked around the room expectantly.

“I haven’t told my family yet about the cancer.” Alec blurted out. He didn’t even mean to say it, but it felt like all the pressure in his chest evaporated. He could finally talk about this and not hurt anyone.

“Well, this is a tough conversation to have. It’s understandable why you are having some hesitations. Were planning on telling them before your first chemo appointment?” Simon says calmly. Alec liked that, liked that for at least to this one person the world wasn’t crashing down around them.

Alec picked at his nails, “I want to, but I don’t know the right time. Magnus is so busy, and I feel like I should tell him first. It’s only fair to him. I want to tell my family when we are all together, I don’t think I could make an announcement to each person without going crazy.” 

“When I told Helen, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. She couldn’t stop crying, but after the shock wore off it was like she became a whole new person. She has been a part of this fight as much as anyone else, and when I couldn’t be strong for myself, it’s nice to turn to her and know that she is strong enough for us both.” Aline explained. 

Andrew nudged Alec’s shoulder, “My husband was with me when I got my diagnosis. I couldn’t keep him out of the room, I told him he didn’t have to come with me. He said that I was a part of his future, and he deserved to be there if there were going to be any changes with that. I’m sure Magnus would feel the same way, and even if he doesn’t, why waste what time you have left with someone who doesn’t love you the way you love them?”

“It’s not that I’m afraid of him leaving me, but what if he stays because he pities me?”

“Well, duh, he is gonna feel sorry for you. Anyone with any kind of empathy feels sorry for us. This fucking sucks. You are gonna see it everywhere you go, people stare at your bald head and know immediately what that means.” Maureen stated. 

“Maureen is right, Alec. When I had cancer in high school, I missed everything. Football games, school dances, hanging out with my friends. My mom cried for me all the time, because there wasn’t anything she could do for me. She didn’t just feel bad for me, she felt bad because when you love someone you do everything you can to see them happy. With this though, you’re powerless.” Simon said. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ You’re powerless.  _

Walking home from the meeting Simon’s words kept echoing in his head.

_ You’re powerless. You’re powerless. _

Alec had always wanted to have control over his life, in everything he did. Structure and routine is what made him calm, centered. Now he felt weightless and out of control, like chaos was now the only thing he could count on. 

Well, not the only thing. He needed to tell his family. Starting with Magnus. Alec took out his phone and dialed his mother’s number. 

“Hello, Alec. This is a nice surprise.”

“Hey mom, I just wanted to let you know that this Sunday I am having a family dinner. I am gonna call Izzy and Jace and invite them too.”

“What’s the occasion? Usually Magnus is the one who pulls these things together. Not that I’m complaining.”

“I just wanted to see everyone, soon everything is going to be crazy busy, and I just wanted to tell you guys something.” Not a lie, but not going into the truth. Alec couldn’t tell his mother over the phone. Someone needed to be there to call 911 when she had a stroke from the news. 

“Is everything okay, honey?” Alec winced at her worried tone. He forgot that mom’s had a radar for all things bad when it came to their children. 

“Nothing to worry about, mom. I’m fine.”  _ I’m dying, my world is falling apart, and I am going to tear yours down with it, but I’m fine, I promise, I won’t let anything bad happen to you.  _

“Well, okay. Let me know what you want me to bring.”

“Okay, mom. Hey, I am heading into work right now, so I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”  _ Please don’t ever forget how much I love you. _

Alec had to wipe at his eyes before walking through the thick glass doors to his office building. He ignored the security guard Raj, because he was in no mood to talk to the prick. He walked into the elevator and pressed the number to the top floor. If Alec was going to do this, he might as well go straight to the boss, rather than having everyone hear second hand. 

Imogene Herondale was… intimidating. That was the nicest word Alec could think of. She was picky, demanding, and sometimes just downright mean. There were rumors she once kicked a puppy and laughed. When Alec first started he thought that was just a ridiculous rumor, but the longer he worked there the more he believed it. Alec respected her, mostly out of fear, but partly because she was Jace’s grandmother. Imogene did not approve of her daughter's choices in men, work, or morals. So she cut Celine off, and when Celine died, Jace had nowhere to go. Eventually Imogene came around to accepting Jace, it was still an awkward relationship, but one Jace still clung to. In a way, Alec understood why, you always chase for your family’s approval, even if it is better for you to let go. 

Alec knocked on Imogene’s door, and waited for entry. He wanted to stay on her good side, especially if he wanted to keep his job. 

“Come in.” 

Alec walked in and looked around the office, it had been a while since he had stepped in here. The walls and carpet were white, not a stain or speck to be seen. The paintings on the walls were contemporary pieces of black and gold. The chairs in front of her desk were uncomfortable and unwelcoming. Probably because you truly were not welcome. 

“Mr. Lightwood. What brings you into my office?”  _ Unannounced and uninvited _ . Alec could feel her looking down on him, even from where she sat at her desk. He couldn’t blame her. Instead of his usual suit and tie, he was wearing torn jeans and a sweater, not exactly the look of a working professional.

“I wanted to talk to you, there have been some changes in my personal life that might extend into my job.” 

“Your personal life stays out of your job. Period. If you can’t work to the standards that are expected of you than perhaps you should-” 

“I have cancer.” 

The shocked look that came across Imogene’s face was priceless. Something Alec would cherish, in a twisted way. 

“Now, I don’t want to quit my job. I still want to work until I am unable to. I was thinking that I could work from home, like last year when that water pipe burst. I could bring my laptop with me when I am having chemo. To my understanding I will just be sitting in a chair, and it’s pretty boring. I could still come to the mandatory meetings once a week, and really, my presence isn’t needed all the time in the office. I am willing to make this work as long as you are.”

Imogene still said nothing, she stared at Alec as if seeing him for the first time. Finally, she sighed and said, “Does Jace know?” It almost sounded like she was concerned for him. 

“Not yet, I am telling him and my family this Sunday over dinner. I would appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to him yet. He should hear this from me directly.”

Imogene nodded her head, “Of course, besides I’m not the one for gossip. Now, about your job, legally I can’t fire you for having cancer. You are competent at your job and you have never given me a reason to doubt that. I expect you to check in once a week, and if you can no longer keep up, please contact me and we will change your work schedule.”

At the nod of her head Alec was dismissed, he turned back towards her before he walked out, “Thank you.” He quickly left before she could say anything else. 

  
  


Alec decided to take a taxi cab home, feeling drained. Reflecting back onto the day, Alec made a checklist of everyone who knew. In a way, he felt like everyone else was just practicing before telling the people who really mattered. Remembering that he had yet to tell Jace and Izzy about Sunday he pulled out his phone and sent a text to their group chat, quickly receiving texts back that they would be there.

The cab pulled up to his apartment, and Alec paid the man plus a tip and walked inside. Alec was surprised to find Magnus already home, sitting on the couch with his phone. 

“Hey, Magnus. What are you doing home so early? I thought you would be late tonight.” Alec reached down and kissed his cheek. 

“Well turns out the groom slept with the bride’s cousin so the wedding is “on hold”. Apparently they need to work out their differences before making this commitment. So while their relationship is crashing, my evening is now free, and I get to spend some much needed time with my beautiful fiancé. How was your day? You aren’t in your work clothes. Did you take today off?” Alec could practically see the warning bells ringing in Magnus’s head. It was time to tell him the truth, he could see that now. 

His palms started to sweat and he felt lightheaded. 

_ You’re powerless. _

Yes, Alec was powerless to protect Magnus. But one thing Alec learned today at his meeting today was that Magnus didn’t need to be protected. He was Alec’s partner, the one he chose to live his life with. So it was time to start treating him as such. 

“I did take today off. My work schedule is going to change here soon. Actually, a lot of things are about to change.” Alec sat down next to Magnus and held his hand. He could feel Magnus’s engagement ring pressing into his hand. A symbol of his commitment to Magnus. Of honesty and loyalty.

“What do you mean?” Magnus put his phone down and turned to face Alec, his dark brown eyes filled with concern, his eyebrows furrowed. He was on high alert, and now that Alec had started, he knew that Magnus would make him finish. 

_ No turning back now.  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HAPPENING.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one night? I am emotionally exhausted after writing this. I was going to let Magnus find out through other means, but Alec is an honest man. It fit his character more for him to face this head on. I hope you enjoy!

**Magnus**

  
  


Magnus became a wedding planner because he loved the spectacle of it all. He loved the flowers, the cake, the dresses, the music. He loved taking a person’s vision and bringing it to life. He did not get into the wedding business because he believed in soul mates, and fairy tale endings. He never believed that there is only one person out there meant for you. There are billions of people, and thousands of those people could suit you. He had had many relationships, all special to him, all leaving a scar or two on him, but none of them permanent. 

Until his Alexander.

After meeting Alec, it put his whole soul mate theory to the test. He was perfect for Magnus. Before Alec, Magnus never really understood how a person could be a home. How being tied to one person could be so freeing. No other relationship he had was like the one he had with his beloved, never had there been one so intimate. Not just romantic intimacy, which had always been incredible, but the intimacy of knowing another person so well, and being known in return. 

Magnus cherished the little things as well. The little ways Alec showed his love, from picking up his favorite snacks at the grocery store without being asked, renting a movie he thought Magnus might like, and at night when even in sleep Alec pulled Magnus tight. 

Not every feeling in a relationship was a warm caress. There were the small frustrations, the bitter arguments, and the worry. Oh, the worry! Magnus had never fussed over another person quite like this. Bringing an extra pair of gloves because he knows Alec never remembers, tucking pain relievers in his briefcase just in case. The way that when it rains outside Magnus wonders if Alec remembered his umbrella, and making a note to pick up Alec’s favorite tea on the way home to warm him up just in case he didn’t.

Yet, through all of that, Magnus had never been worried to the point where it felt like his skin was too tight, that the room was somehow too hot and too cold at the same time. Alec was steady and dependable, constantly reminding Magnus there was no need to worry.

Until now.

Until Alec had sat down with clammy hands, Magnus vaguely noted the split nails and pulled hangnails, a sure sign of Alec’s nerves, and told him how life was changing.  _ Changing? Our life is perfect, darling, there is no need for change.  _ Magnus wondered if this is when Alec leaves him, when he realizes that Magnus is too much, as past lovers had told him. When he tells Magnus that he didn’t want to be married to him, that he didn’t want to devote his life to him. 

_ You’re being ridiculous. _ His Alexander was not callous and cruel like former loves. But Magnus could not deny the fear in veins, of when Alec fell out of love with him, and how he would survive in the aftermath of devastation. 

_ “What do you mean?” _ Magnus wasn’t quite sure he wanted to hear the answer. 

“You know how I have been having a lot of headaches lately? I told you that I went to the doctor and was prescribed medication. Well, that wasn’t exactly true.” With those words Alec had doused one fear, but fanned the flame on another. 

“You didn’t go to the doctor? Why would you lie about that?” His Alexander did not lie, he had a horrible poker face and a firm moral compass. 

“I did go to the doctor. Many times, actually. They did some brain scans because they weren’t quite sure what was going on.” Alec’s eyes began to fill up with tears.  _ No.  _ Magus could physically feel his world begin to shift, because he knew that whatever news came next wasn’t pleasant. 

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me? What’s wrong? Alexander, what did they say?” So many questions overwhelmed him, he needed to know every detail, but at the same time couldn’t bear to hear more. Magnus was leaning up now, trying to make eye contact with Alec, but he would not meet his eye. 

“I’m so sorry, Magnus. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to scare you. You have been so busy with work, and I didn’t want to add on to the stress. I thought I was okay, I didn’t know. I am so sorry, please forgive me.” Alec was crying now, tears ran freely down his face. 

“Forgive you for what? Alexander, please.  _ What is going on?” _

“It’s cancer, Magnus.”

And Magnus’s world stopped. Cancer?

_ No. No. No, no, please, God. No. _

Magnus tried to make sense of Alec’s words, replaying them over and over again. No matter what order he put them, they were senseless. 

_ No. _

“Cancer?” The world felt slick and bitter in his mouth. 

_ No. _

“I’m sorry.” Alec was sobbing now, his chest heaving and shoulders shaking. Magnus tried to focus on one point on the wall to stop the room from spinning. 

_ “How?”  _ Air was suddenly poisonous, that was the only sensible reason. The only way it made sense for his not being able to catch his breath, for the dark spots clouding his vision, and how his hands began to shake.

“There is a tumor in my brain. I start chemotherapy on Friday, but no surgeon would take the chance in removing it from where it’s positioned. My doctor has been sending my case around, trying to find someone who would be willing to try. The odds are not in my favor.” A bitter laugh came out of his love, a horrible sound that Magnus wanted erased from his memory. 

“They can’t remove it? But, if they can’t remove it, then how will you get better?” Magnus didn’t know much about cancer, and he felt the urge to call Catarina and demand any and all information she knew. She was an ER nurse, she saw things like this every day.

Alec shook his head, he still had yet to look at Magnus. Magnus gripped his chin and pulled his head up. Looking into Alec’s eyes he knew this was real. The eyes he fell in love with.

“They aren’t sure on how this will really turn out. The chemo will just help the spread, but won’t necessarily stop it. And if no surgeon will remove the tumor..” Alec didn’t finish his sentence. 

“But, you’ll be okay, right?” Magnus forced the words out, the lump in his throat too painful. Alec had to be okay, Magnus needed him. He needed Alec like he had never needed another person before. His love for Alec was too strong, the feeling he had too deep. There was one truth that was a constant in Magnus’s life, and that was that he could not be separated from him. 

Alec looked down and shook his head. “No, Magnus. I won’t be. I’m dying.”

_ I’m dying.  _

Magnus thought he knew pain, he had known loss before, but he had never been faced with a pain so deep it fractured his very soul. 

_ No, not him! _ Not Alec. Not the man who made funny faces at babies on the subway, not the man who let his sister dress him up when she’s had a bad day, not the man who stole Magus’s heart. 

Magnus stood up on shaky legs and started to pace, he needed a plan. He needed to write down a list of everything they needed to do, everything that would keep Alec with him. Because Alec was not allowed to die. Not before he married him, and had children, grandchildren. Not before they had their life together. They hadn’t done enough yet, hadn’t traveled the world, or made love in Paris. Magnus wasn’t finished kissing him yet, or telling him how much he loved him.  _ It wasn’t enough! _

There was a strange sound, like a wounded animal. It wasn’t until Alec came behind him and pulled him close that he realized it was coming from him. 

“Shh, Magnus. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

“It’s not  _ okay!  _ None of this is okay. How long have you known?” Magnus demanded. He could feel the shock wearing off and he was falling quickly into anger. 

“Not long.” Alec said sheepishly.

“How long?” 

“I found out the night of our engagement party,” he confessed.

The spiraling thoughts came to a screeching halt. 

“Our engagement party? That was over a week ago. How could you not tell me sooner?” His body felt hot now, lava had replaced his blood. 

“I wanted to, but I was so afraid! You were so happy that night, and I didn’t want to be the one to take that away from you. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay still. And my mom, Magnus, she is going to fall apart. She barely held it together when dad died, how am I going to tell her that she is going to have to go through that again?” Alec began to shake again, and all the rage left Magnus. How could he blame Alec for that? He quickly pulled Alec against him, Alec leaned his head on Magnus’s shoulder and sobbed. “I’m so sorry, Magnus, I wanted to tell you as soon as I found out. I just wanted to be the man you loved still. I didn’t want you to see me as less.” 

“Hush, darling. I would never see you as less than the perfect man you are. Though, you should have told me about the scans, I should have been right by your side for that. Alec, you need to promise me to tell me everything from now on. I need to know this, understand? You said your first appointment is Friday, right? What time?” 

“Um, well my appointment is at ten, but I need to be there early for blood work and signing papers.”

“Okay, we can do that.” Magnus nodded, starting to form lists in his head on things he will need. He will have to Google a checklist on what he should bring to the appointment, he didn’t want to be unprepared.

“We? Magnus, no, I know on Friday you have that wedding in Albany to go to. You have been planning that for a year, you can’t skip that.”

“I am not letting you go alone, that is non negotiable, Alec.” Magnus glowered. 

“I won’t go alone, I’ll bring someone with me. You can even Facetime me whenever you want, but please don’t change your whole life for this.” 

“Who else knows?” If Magnus was the last person to know about this, his head might actually explode.

“You are the first family member to know. Oh, that reminds me, I invited everyone over on Sunday for dinner to tell them. But, today I went to a support group for cancer patients, so they all know. I like them. I also told my Imogene today so I can work from home now.”

“Work? Alec, you shouldn’t be working.” Magnus was even debating about leaving his own job. He’s not sure how he could leave Alec every morning now, the need to stay by his side already starting to overwhelm him. He had to travel sometimes for destination weddings also, how could he leave Alec for extended periods of time? Magnus quickly shut that line of thinking down, it was an easy choice. He wouldn’t leave. Couldn’t. If Alec was really dy- leaving, then Magnus would not waste a single moment. But that was preposterous, Magnus reminded himself. Alec wasn’t leaving him.

“I’m fine, Magnus. I told her I would work until I can’t.” 

“We will discuss that more later, but right now we have other things to focus on.” 

“You’re right, like how you're not skipping the wedding on Friday.” 

Magnus could feel a migraine coming on, his love was the most stubborn person on this earth. 

“Magnus, I know you want to support me, I appreciate that. How about we compromise? I will give you the schedule for all of my appointments, and then you can schedule all of yours around that. With no complaints from me. Friday won’t even be that big of a deal. It’s the later ones when I actually start to get sick that I will need you there. You know, to hold the bucket for me when I vomit, and help me stand when I’m too weak on my own.” Alec said it casually, but Magnus tensed up, realizing just how bad this was going to be. 

“I guess that sounds fair.” Magnus grudgingly said. They stood in silence after that, holding each other, Alec gently rocking them back and forth. Magnus felt like a bomb had gone off, but Alec looked peaceful. He had more time to adjust to this. 

“So, Sunday?” 

Alec sighed, “Yeah, I wanted to tell them all at once. I know you and Clary are close, but could you not say anything? I don’t want to put her in a position where she has to keep secrets from Jace.” 

“I agree, Alexander. I won’t tell a soul about this. Now, tell me darling. Are you okay?” 

“I really don't know. Sometimes I am, but then sometimes I just feel like crawling into bed and ignore the world. I’m sorry if I get to be too much to handle. I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay though. If you want to leave, I get it. I really do.” 

That made even less sense to Magnus than anything else.

“Leave? Oh, darling, it is going to take a lot more than cancer to keep me away from you. I love you. More than anything else, I am with you. Through everything.” 

Alec teared up again and smiled, looking like a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. “I love you too.” Magnus pulled Alec in again, resting his head on Alec’s chest. He could hear Alec’s heartbeat, a steady rhythm that sustained Magnus’s world. A grim determination filled him, and he knew with absolute certainty, he would not let anything take this away from him.


	6. Chapter 6

“I can stay a little while longer, I don’t have to leave yet.” Magnus insisted the next morning as he packed. Usually Magnus always packed the night before any trip no matter how short. But last night, Magnus and Alec just held each other, with no intention of getting up. Even though Magnus was leaving for a couple days for a wedding, Alec felt great, lighter. The hardest part for him was over now that he told Magnus, it wasn’t going to be any easier telling his family, but at least he didn’t have to lie anymore. 

“Come on, Magnus. It’s two days, I will be okay on my own for a couple days, besides I have lunch plans today with Lydia, and I have some work to catch up on so I will be in and out of the house all day.” 

Magnus paused from packing, “You’re going out? Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Alec could see Magnus chewing his lip, his gaze wasn’t quite focused either. Alec reached over and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“Stop worrying. I still have approximately 26 hours until I start chemo, after that you are free to worry about me as much as you want. I can’t stay in this apartment all day worrying about tomorrow.” 

Magnus frowned, “So you are worried? I can stay home, I’ll call Clary and ask if she can cover for me.” Pulling out his phone he began dialling Clary’s number, Alec pulled his phone away, quickly receiving an unimpressed glare from Magnus.

“Absolutely not! I know how hard you worked on this wedding, you should be there. Besides, these people are paying for the Great Magnus Bane, the best wedding planner on the east coast. Let’s not make all of the bride's father’s money go to waste.” 

Magnus gave a tired laugh but didn’t say anything, just continued to look through his bag to make sure he packed everything he needed. Alec was sure he had done this multiple times already, Magnus was more distracted than he realized. Walking behind Magnus he put his arms around him and kissed his temple. 

“I know you think that staying with me right now is being supportive, I love you for that. But believe me all I need right now is for things to be normal, just for a little while.” Alec could feel Magnus sigh against him, he reached behind him and ran his fingers through Alec’s hair.

“I know you will be okay, I know I am worrying for nothing right now. But this is the last time I am leaving for more than an evening, on Monday when I get back to the office I’m going to move things around so I can be here with you. Remember to write down all of your appointments for me, because this is the only appointment I am going to miss. You can’t keep anything from me now, Lightwood.” 

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Bane. You really do have to leave soon though, Bridezilla will kill you if you’re late.” Alec pulled away and picked up Magnus’s bags and carried them to the door.

“You’re right, I know.” Magnus leaned up and gave Alec a lingering kiss, Alec pulled away and picked up Magnus’s bags and walked to the door, Magnus following behind, “I will have my cell phone and work phone on me at all times, so feel free to call me at any time. Keep me updated tomorrow, and if I don’t hear from you I am dropping everything, Bridezilla be damned, and coming home” Walking to the car, Magnus held Alec’s hand “Who are you taking tomorrow, by the way?” 

Alec stalled by putting Magnus’s bags into their car, closing the trunk door Alec said, “Well, I’m not sure yet.”

“What about Lydia?” 

“I thought about it, I have to tell her today anyway.”

“If she can’t come, I’m coming tomorrow. Our deal was that I would do this last wedding away from home as long as someone went with you.” Magnus said stubbornly. 

“You know Lydia, of course she will come with me. Now, you really do have to head out. Try to have fun, I love you. Text me when you get there.” 

“I love you too, Alexander. So much.” Magnus blew one more kiss before getting in the car and driving off. 

_______________

  
  
  
  


Alec arrived at Lily’s Deli early to guarantee that he would get their favorite booth for lunch, walking in Lily smiled and waved, even though she had a line of folks waiting. “Hey, Alec! The usual for you and Lydia?” She always had a soft spot for Lydia and him, they were her best customers. They had found this hole in the wall deli in college, and made it their tradition to come at least once a week. 

“Thanks, Lily. Lydia won’t be here for a little while, so I am just gonna wait for her. Today’s lunch is on me though, so don’t let Lydia bully you into letting her pay.” 

Lily laughed, “As if that little imp could ever bully me!” 

Smiling, Alec went to their booth and looked around, reminiscing. Not much had changed since college, the floorboards still worn and creaky. The walls at one point were probably white, but was a faded yellowish color now. The posters of old movies were frayed and torn. Alec enjoyed the familiarity, the unchanging dependability of the place. Even Lily herself hadn’t changed, her ever present smile, wicked humor, and spiky black hair. Lydia and him joked she would never age.

Alec could hear Lily greet Lydia before he saw her, when he looked up she looked flustered. 

“I have had the day from hell”, she grumbled as she sat next to him. 

_ What a great fucking day to tell her. _

“What’s wrong?” 

“I had to fire someone today because he was stealing from the office. Not like a few pens here and there, he stole five hundred dollars of printer ink, and used the company credit card for a hotel room. He thought if he used his own, his wife would find out about the escort he hired. He didn’t think we checked the receipts close enough to figure it out. Idiot.”

Lydia worked in HR at an accounting and legal firm. She had gone to school for law, but after she didn’t pass the bar exam she got a little discouraged and never tried again. That always struck Alec as odd, Lydia was smart and tenacious. He wondered if that was the problem, she was too smart and had never really failed at anything before. 

“But, I don’t want to talk about my work. I want to talk about John.” Lydia looked a little dreamy saying John’s name. They had met at a conference in San Francisco, and they had been trying to make the long distance relationship work. He would fly to New York for weekends, and she would go to San Francisco for holidays. 

“Oh yeah? What’s new with your perfect beau?” Alec said as Lily dropped off their sandwiches and lemonade. Starving, Alec dug into his pastrami sandwich, trying not to spill mustard on himself. 

“Well, he is flying up tonight, and him and I are going on a weekend trip to Rhode Island.”

“That’s great!”  _ Well, shit. Magnus is going to flip.  _

Lydia gave him a look, “You sure? That didn’t sound so enthusiastic.” 

Alec cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’m fine, I just didn’t sleep well I guess. Anyway, tell me more, what are you guys gonna do this weekend?” 

Lydia happily chatted through lunch, and Alec made sure to try to look interested, but inside he was conflicted. He knew he had to tell Lydia, but he didn’t want to ruin her trip or make her feel guilty for leaving. 

“Alec? What’s wrong?” He realized that he had spaced out and had missed out on half of the one sided conversation. 

He tried to give a convincing smile, “Sorry, zoned out for a bit. What were you saying?”

Lydia narrowed her eyes, “Don’t pull that with me. You might be able to flutter your eyes and get away with it with Magnus, but you know you can’t lie to me. So cut the bullshit and tell me.” 

Alec sighed, “Lydia, you and I need to talk.” 

______________

“You  _ what?” _

“Have cancer.” 

Lydia did not cry, or go hysterical, and he never really imagined she would. Lydia was a sensible person, and was not fond of public displays. She did however, look completely pissed off. 

“You’ve known for over a week and you’re just now telling me? You tell me everything! Sometimes I can’t get you to shut up, but the brain tumor is what you keep quiet? Are you serious?” 

Alec was told there were seven stages of grief, and it looked like Lydia skipped all but the anger. 

“I haven’t even told my family yet, Lyd. I just told Magnus last night. Believe me, you are one of the first people to know.” 

“Oh god, how bad was it? I hope he is doing okay.” That’s what Alec loved most about Lydia, her unending kindness towards others, and how quickly she forgave. 

“It was horrible, but I think he is doing well. I think he is still in shock, he keeps staring at me as if I am going to disappear.” Last night, Magnus had held him tighter than usual, and Alec could feel Magnus’s tears hit his chest as they laid in bed. 

“You’re not going to die though.” Lydia said it with conviction, as if dying was never even an option to begin with. 

“I am going to try very hard not to.” Alec said wryly.

“No, Alec. You  _ cannot  _ die. So you won’t.” 

_ I’m sure a lot of families feel that way _ . Alec thought of the group members, all of them had loved ones who could never accept anything but a full life. If love kept a person’s heart beating, hardly anyone would ever die. 

Lydia’s phone rang, interrupting Alec’s musings, she got up to take the call somewhere privately, giving Alec the chance to check his own phone.

_ Made it to Albany. How did lunch go? Do I need to come back? _ Magnus texted him.

_ I told Lydia. Doing well, stay where you are. I’m fine. _

_ So she is going with you tomorrow? _

One more lie, Alec decided, and then he would never lie to Magnus again.

_ Yeah, we are all set. _

  
  


Lydia walked back to their table, looking miserable. 

“John got an earlier flight from his layover in Detroit. He is gonna be here in a couple hours. I am just gonna tell him that I’m not really up for a trip this weekend. He’ll understand.” 

“Stop. I’m fine. You can’t put your whole life on hold. You said it yourself that I’m not dying. So no need to treat me like I am, got it?”

Lydia smiled at that, “You’re right. I just feel bad, my best friend just told me he had cancer, and now I am heading out of town?” 

“Well, you just had to fire someone, you hate your job, and your friend has cancer. Sounds like you need this vacation.” 

  
  
  
___________  
  
  
  
  


Lydia and him continued to talk for a while, about his treatments and medical plans. When they left Lily’s, Lydia had hugged him tightly and made him swear to call her if anything happened. Once Alec got home he realized that he didn’t have anyone to go with him tomorrow. He didn’t really have a lot of friends outside of his family besides Lydia. 

It was as if a lightbulb had gone off in his head, and with a groan Alec pulled out his phone and called the only person he could think of in a time like this.

  
  



	7. *SPOILERS*

I’m going to give some ending hints here so if you don’t want any spoilers click away now! :)

I have written this out once before but deleted it because I know some people are super against spoilers, so I decided to warn you first before I ruin anything.

So when I originally started out this out I honestly was not sure where I was going to take this. Did I want Alec to die or did I want a happy ending? I decided to just start it and see where it took me. I know a lot of you are not okay with that as much as I am. So I decided after I finished the first couple of chapters to have two separate endings.  
Sometimes I am in the mood to sit down and cry and sometimes I want to just be happy.  
So one ending will be where Alec lives, and then I will have an alternate ending that’s much more sad. That way, you can decide where you want this to go. 

I WILL GIVE WARNINGS BEFORE THE SAD ONE. Don’t worry guys, I won’t spring a death on you without letting you know first. 

Thanks for reading! I love all of your comments and I hope you continue to enjoy reading!


	8. Chapter 8

When Alec called Simon Lewis, he almost hoped he wouldn’t answer, but God had a fucked up sense of humor Alec learned, and he answered immediately. Simon, of course, agreed to meeting Alec at the hospital, and then giving him a ride home. His doctor had suggested wearing something comfortable, so Alec wore a plain black sweater and sneakers. 

He had already talked to Magnus in the morning, trying to sound confident so Magnus wouldn’t feel guilty for not going with him. Alec did want him there with him, something he would never admit to Magnus. He wanted to hold his hand, and cry with him when he got too scared, and joke with him to lighten the mood. He wanted to soak in Magnus’s comfort, use his strength. That was selfish, Alec reminded himself, Magnus has a life and a career he has worked hard for. He didn’t need Alec to hold him back.

He took a taxi to the hospital, the cab driver was appropriately rude, not engaging in conversation at all. Which was fine by Alec, he needed some time alone, to enjoy his last few minutes as a normal, healthy, man. He brought his bag, filled with paperwork from work, his laptop, chargers, and headphones, mostly to block Simon out, just in case he got too chatty. 

When the taxi pulled up to the hospital, Alec began to get nervous. This was really happening. He could see Simon waiting at a bench near the entrance, he also had a bag with him, Alec hoped that meant he would sit quietly with his own distractions. He paid the driver, earning a brusque thank you, and hopped out. Simon waved at him and met him at the door.

“Hey, man. I have to admit, I was surprised you called. I’m glad you did, don’t take it the wrong way or anything. Just surprised. Nice surprise.” Simon rambled.  _ I wish Magnus was here. _ Magnus didn’t talk so much, well he did, Alec amended, it’s just Magnus was interesting and charming. Simon was just too… Simon. 

“I was okay coming by myself, but Magnus said no.” He said as they started to walk in. Alec hoped one day he would get used to the cold dread that accompanied him into the hospital. 

“Oh, that’s great that you told him! I know that was rough for you, but you’ll see. This is not a fight won alone.” 

Alec had been hearing phrases like that a lot lately. “Is there a booklet they give out with speeches like that out? I swear, that’s all I’ve heard since getting diagnosed.” 

Simon laughed even though Alec meant to offend him. “I’m sorry, man. I should know better. When I had cancer, I swear all anyone wanted to do was comfort me. I was glad they were there, I just wish they weren’t  _ always _ there, if you know what I mean.”

Alec chose not to respond, regretting bringing Simon already, and they still had a whole day left. 

  
  


**Magnus**

  
  


They were missing a cake. How can someone lose a cake? Magnus had called the bakery multiple times but no one was answering, and Magnus refused to tell the bride. Stephanie Callagan was… one of a kind. Magnus was used to demanding brides, or nervous brides, had even had a few mean ones. But he had never had a full on, demon straight from hell bride. She was just lucky she found a man dumb enough to submit himself to hellfire for the rest of their lives. Or at least until their divorce. 

Everything else was in place for his high maintenance bride. The venue was at a vineyard with rolling hills. The ceremony would take place outside, where after their kiss doves would be released. Inside, they were setting up for the reception. The linens were a crisp white with pink roses as the centerpieces. Fairy lights hung on the walls, making the room look romantic and inviting. The most important decoration was the groom, and surprisingly he was still here. He was largely uninterested in the planning, letting his bride make all the decisions. He was more interested in his bachelor party than the actual wedding. A perfect couple, really.

All Magnus had to do was find this fucking cake, and then he could sneak out and go home to Alec.

Not for the first time, Magnus’s chest twisted painfully. He shouldn’t be here, he should be with Alec. Magnus checked his phone religiously, waiting for any updates. He had sent several messages to him, as well as called him this morning, but Alec had been slow to responding. Magnus knew today would be busy, and that Alec probably hadn’t had time yet to text back, but Magnus’s skin still crawled with impatience. 

_ I don’t have to just text Alec, I could text Lydia.  _

Surely, Lydia would answer, especially if she was just waiting for Alec. Magnus pulled out his phone and dialed Lydia’s number. 

“Hey, Magnus! What’s up?” Magnus felt a rush of relief, finally he could get some answers. 

“Lydia, I was just calling to check on Alec. He hasn’t been texting me back, and I was getting worried.” 

“Oh, I am so sorry Magnus! He told me yesterday, I’m honestly still in shock about the whole thing. But this is Alec, I am sure that just out of stubborness alone he can pull through.” Magnus appreciated the sentiment but that’s not why he called. 

“I know, but have you heard anything from the doctor’s yet? Alec told me it would be a while before he would be actually starting chemo, and that they did all these tests beforehand, but what is going on?” A caterer came up to talk to him, but seemed to pale and scatter at the word “chemo”. If he had to scare everyone like that to get to Alec, Magnus figured it would be worth it. 

“Uh, no. I haven’t really talked to Alec all day. I sent him a text earlier for good luck, but the reception is pretty spotty in Rhode Island.” 

Shock coursed through Magnus, and made his whole body freeze up and spasm. “ _ What?  _ Alec told me yesterday that you would be taking him today.” 

“Magnus, Alec never said anything to me about that. Of course I would have if I had known.”

Alec lied to Magnus. Again. Getting stabbed would hurt less than this blow. How could Alec do this to him? He knew how important this was to Magnus, how completely unwilling Magnus was to leave. The only reason he reluctantly agreed to go, was because he trusted Lydia. He trusted Alec.

“I need to go Lydia, I’m sorry.” He needed to go, he needed to leave this wedding and go to Alec. To shake him and demand to know why he would do this to him. He dialed Alec’s number again, praying he would pick up. Getting his voicemail, Magnus cussed. 

“Magnus!” 

He winced when he heard Stephanie’s voice. Turning, he saw her in her dressing robe with her hair and makeup done. She was a truly stunning woman with her alabaster skin, and honey colored hair. Then she opened her mouth and ruined all illusions of beauty. 

“Magnus, I just went to put on my dress and it’s not the right one!”

Magnus frowned, he picked up the dress yesterday and looked it over to ensure it was perfect. “What do you mean? I picked up the dress and it was exactly the dress you ordered.” He knew this dress down to the very stitching. An ivory off the shoulder ball gown, with Swarovski crystals on every square inch. It was entirely too much, and exactly how his bride liked it. 

“I wanted it in white! Not ivory!” Her face was turning an alarming shade of purple. 

“We talked about this. Very few designers make a true white dress. It washes you out in photos. When you got the dress you said that would be okay.” Magnus rubbed his temples and sighed. 

“I can’t walk down the aisle like that!” She was starting to hysterical, as if anything could be done about it now. She was supposed to be getting married in an hour, guests had already started to line up. 

“Nothing can be done now. If you want me to make a gown out of the linens I suppose I can give it a try.” Magnus bit out sarcastically. He knew he needed to calm down, but he couldn’t help himself. Didn’t she realize there were worse things happening today? His love lied to him. Why should Magnus care about a stupid wedding for a horrible person? 

“You came highly recommended, and you told me that you could make my dream wedding happen! This is not my dream!” She screeched out.

Magnus finally snapped, “The dream isn’t about the dress or the venue! It’s about the person you are marrying, and celebrating that! And my dream is in a hospital right now, and I have no idea what is happening! So you are going to shut up, put on the fucking gown, and be happy about the fact that for some reason this man decided to marry you!” 

“But-”

“I get it, it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. But you know who is going to notice? No one! No one is going to remember the color of your gown or what flavor the cake was. But they will remember the look your groom gives you as you walk down the aisle, or how your dad cried when he gave you away at the altar. Those are the moments people go to weddings for. So you have two options, where the gorgeous dress you bought- and agreed to- or you can cancel the whole wedding. Your choice.” Magnus was impressed with his little tirade. It also helped decompress a little bit. But only a little bit.

The bride seemed to deflate, “I’ll put on the gown.” she said dejectedly. 

“Stellar choice! Now, as I said, my fiancé is in the hospital, so I am going to head out.”

“You can’t go! What if something goes wrong?” She exclaimed.

As if that would stop him from leaving. The devil himself could crash the wedding and Magnus would still find a way to leave. Suddenly Magnus remembered the cake. That goddamn cake.

Magnus sighed, “Let me make a few calls. Go get dressed and pull yourself together.”

As she hastily made her exit, Magnus pulled out his phone again, seeing a text from Alec.

_ All checked in. They are going to be putting the IV in soon!  _

He quickly called Alec, hoping for Alec’s sake he answered.

“Hey, babe. I’m fine.” He sounded fine, almost cheerful. When did it get to be so easy for him to lie to Magnus?

“That’s great! Something funny just happened.” 

“Did Bridezilla become a runaway bride? Or did the groom come to his senses?” 

Magnus gave a tight laugh, “Ah, no. I just got off the phone with Lydia, actually. She told me she wasn’t with you today. Which is hilarious, because you told me she would be with you today.” Magnus could never resist an opportunity to be petty. There was a long pause, Alec didn’t know what to say. What lies to tell him.

“Lydia is not with me today. John came up for the weekend. But I swear, I did not come alone. I brought Simon with me.” 

_ Simon? _

“Who the hell is Simon?”

“The guy who leads the support group. I figured since he has already done all this and is technically a counselor, he’d be okay to bring. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to lie to you.” 

Simon probably was a good choice to bring, probably an even better choice than Magnus. That wasn’t the point though. “Alexander Gideon Lightwood, when I get home you and I are going to have a serious talk. I have to be able to trust you, or else I am going to go completely insane. Now, I am going to find a wedding cake, and then I’m coming home.”

“Magnus-“

“No! I’m not listening to it again. I’m coming home. That’s final. I trusted you and you blew it. You knew how hard it was for me to leave.” Rage was starting to fill his body, and embarrassingly tears began to leak from his eyes. Alec’s deception hurt far more deeply than expected. Why didn’t he think Magnus didn’t need to be involved with these decisions? 

“I’m sorry.” Alec whimpered.

“I know, Alexander. I love you, and I’ll see you soon, darling.”

“I love you too.”

Hanging up, Magnus began to feel a little ashamed. Today was a tough day, and even though his anger was justified, he should have waited until he could discuss it in person. He knew Alec, he’d start to blame himself for every little mistake.

As if the world had decided Magnus had suffered enough, the bakers pulled in with the cake. It was enough for Magnus to decide this wedding was a success, and that it was time to leave before karma decided to fuck him over again.

  
  
  


**Alec**

  
  


Alec stared at the phone in silence, guilt bubbled inside him. He didn’t mean to hurt Magnus, he just didn’t want him to throw away his whole life.

“Everything okay?” Simon asked.

Simon had been surprisingly amazing about today, being supportive when needed, but also knowing when to lay low. The nurses had drawn blood, gotten his weight and height, and asked many questions, then they had to wait for an hour until they got his dosage correct. It wasn’t as bad as Alec thought it would be, it was mostly just time consuming. Finally, after an hour and a half, the nurse pulled Alec back into the room where they would be giving him his dose. Alec had been seated in a large, mint green pleather recliner. There was a TV on the wall in the front of the room, flipped to the news channel, there were other patients in the room, divided by curtains. The man seated next to Alec didn’t have his curtain shut, but it didn’t seem like he cared given the fact he was fast asleep, drooling peacefully in his own mint green recliner. 

Simon had pulled up a chair next to him and had gotten out his laptop and headphones, he had been quiet so far, occasionally laughing with the nurses and other patients. Alec grudgingly decided he liked Simon. He was tolerable.

“I didn’t tell Magnus you were coming today, he thought my friend Lydia was. He called her and found out she wasn’t with me. He thought I lied to him and went alone.”

“Well, why didn’t you tell him?”

“Because he had to leave for work and I didn’t want him to feel pressured into staying.” 

“Kind of sounds like he was pressured into leaving.” 

Alec glared at Simon and Simon started to back track. “Look, I’ve been there. Wanting people to keep living their lives even after you can’t, but I’m sure Magnus would much rather be sitting here with you today, more than anything else.”

The nurse stopped by with a bag of clear liquid, a bright yellow sticker on the top read, “Chemotherapy”. 

“Okay, Alec, I am just going to fit the IV in now, and then we will be good to go. Do you need anything before we get started?”

Simon had brought multiple bottles of water for Alec, saying that he will need to stay hydrated, he had also brought a variety of snacks to eat. It was thoughtful and it made Alec slightly embarrassed to have a stranger take care of him like this. 

“No, I’m okay.” 

Alec couldn’t help but want Magnus with him, he missed him. Maybe he should have let Magnus come today, it was what they both had wanted. So why was Alec pushing him away? 

He thought that over as the nurse hooked him to the IV, and together they watched the fluid run down the tube and into his arm, officially starting his journey. It didn’t scare him like he thought it would. Looking around the room he saw a distinctive relationship between the patients and with the nurses. Everyone knew each other, and had watched the ups and downs. The nurses looked at them with fondness, they too cared about them. He realized that the dread he felt walking in had nothing to do with the hospital, or the treatments. It was everything that happened after. 

When the nurse walked away, Alec looked over at Simon. He looked pensive, “Are you okay?”

For the first time, he could honestly say yes. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Magnus**

  
  


The drive from Albany to New York City, took approximately two and a half hours. Magnus made it in an hour and forty-five minutes. He was anxious to get back, he just wanted to make sure Alec was okay with his own eyes. Not letting himself be convinced with the lies Alec tried to sell him on. His eye caught his engagement ring on his hand, and his eyes began to burn. What if he never got the chance to marry him?

_ Stop.  _

Before he met Alexander, Magnus could admit he was a bit of a mess. His life had always been a game of survival, one he never realized he was tired of playing until Alec. 

When Magnus was ten, he found his mother dead, wrists painted red. He was placed in foster care, moving from home to home before ever getting settled. Some foster parents were nice, treating him with respect and tenderness, others were dismissive. He had made his family with his friends, Catarina and Ragnor, and for that he was grateful. 

  
  


He had plenty of past lovers, one night stands, quick flames that burned out quickly. George, Imasu, Etta, Axel, Woolsey. All lovely people, and who he only wished the best for. Camille though, Camille still made cold shivers run down his spine. He was in love with her, a childish sort of love that bordered on obsession. He would have done anything for her, been anyone for her. He was grateful he learned his lesson, painfully, but a lesson learned just the same. 

It wasn’t until he met Alexander that he realized everything his life could be.

Actually, it wasn’t right after they met, it was on their fourth date. They had a dinner plans at The Institute, a high end restaurant that you needed to make a reservation for weeks in advance. They agreed to meet at the restaurant, and Magnus got there a little bit late, not wanting to seem too eager. He was miffed to find that Alec was not there yet, so he waited at their table munching on the breadsticks, and sipping a martini. 

Time dragged on, and Alec still had yet to arrive, it was with a somber realization that Magnus had been stood up. Not for the first time, and would hardly be the last, but he had thought it would be different with the beautiful man. Then Magnus had looked up, and saw Alec completely disheveled, soaked from rain, holding a pathetically crumpled bouquet of flowers. Magnus was struck with a glowing feeling of affection, and knew that one day, this man would hold his heart. 

Pulling into the parking ramp of their apartment, Magnus rushed inside, leaving his bags in the car. He tried to catch his breath in the elevator, not out of exertion, just from pure need to see his fiancé. Unlocking the door, Magnus saw Alec asleep on the couch. Alec was not usually one for naps, which made Magnus worry. He quietly walked over to the couch and stroked Alec’s forehead, causing him groggily wake up.

“Magnus?” 

“Hello, love.” Magus sat down and pulled Alec’s head to rest on his lap. 

“I thought you would be home later.” 

Magnus continued to rub Alec’s head, receiving a content sigh. 

“I didn’t want to be away any longer. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“You’re here now. That’s what matters.” 

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

Standing in the kitchen with his fiance, making a family supper on a Sunday evening should feel comforting and domestic. He and Magnus had done this numerous times before, turned up the radio and sang to whatever is on, even if they didn’t know the song. Magnus would dance while he cooked, splattering sauce on the walls as he spun around, Alec would follow behind and clean whatever mess he made.  _ Passionate, Alexander. I am passionate about cooking, not messy,  _ Magnus would say. 

Yet, today there was a mutual sense of unease. Magnus was still upset with Alec about Friday, they had yet to sit down and talk about it, and they were both nervous about tonight’s dinner. Magnus had gone all out, roasted rack of lamb with a mint pesto sauce, served with garlic herb potatoes and glazed carrots. He had even gone to the bakery and gotten them a cheesecake for dessert. A decadent dinner, served with amazing wine, and great company. 

It felt like his last dinner before his execution. 

He had talked to Simon on Friday about what he should say to his family, he had shrugged and said, “How about the truth?” Simon was an idiot, and Alec had told him so. How could he soften the blow? How could he protect them? “You can’t, it’s out of your control now.” It seemed like everything was out of his control now. 

Alec was helping Magnus set the table, though he knew Magnus would redo the whole thing after him, apparently he didn’t have an eye for design, when there was a knock on the door. He knew it was his mother’s, the knock was light but precise, and he tensed. Magnus reached over to him and stroked his cheek, “I am right here, darling, I won’t leave your side all night. We will do this together, okay?” Alec thinks he nodded before walking to the front door. 

“My boys!” Maryse exclaimed before hugging them both. His mother had always adored Magnus, it was hard not to, she had quickly taken him under her wing and claimed him as her son. He was nervous when first introducing Magnus to his mom, she had not approved of the first man Alec brought home. Oliver was a nice enough man, polite, smart, and had majored in law. He had thought that Oliver would be exactly what his mother would appreciate. Yet, when Alec had asked her what she thought she gave Alec a small smile and a shrug. After they had broken up he asked her why she didn’t like him. “It’s not that I didn’t like him, he was a fine young man, who I am sure will do great things in life. I guess I just wanted to see you be with someone who made you glow.” 

Maryse and Magnus, however, hit it off immediately. Talking and laughing over dinner as if they had known each other for years, Alec almost felt like a third wheel to them. After dinner, Alec had walked her home, when they were saying their goodbyes Maryse had patted his cheek and said, “You’re glowing.” 

“Magnus, dinner smells wonderful! Is anyone else here yet?”

“Not yet, let’s start out with some cocktails, hm?” Magnus said, linking his arm with Maryse and pulling her to the drink cart. That was Alec’s idea, loosen everyone up with alcohol first. While Magnus was making drinks, Izzy walked in, without knocking.

“Hey, Alec. What’s on the menu for tonight? I’m starving.” She walked straight into the kitchen only pausing to kiss Magnus on the cheek. It warmed his heart, and Alec basked in the feeling, his luck could not be denied with his family. Slowly, they congregated to the balcony, making themselves comfortable on the padded patio chairs while they waited for Jace and Clary. Izzy talked about the cadavers she worked on this week, making Alec feel a little queasy, but Maryse was fascinated. As a prosecutor, Maryse was used to the ugly side of humanity. Magnus just nodded and played with his glass, making his nerves obvious, though he tried to play it off. 

“Hey, everybody! Sorry we’re late!” They heard Jace call out, Clary laughing behind him. If there were any two people more right for each other, second to him and Magnus of course, it was Jace and Clary. They were both headstrong, and fierce in their devotion. Jace met Clary through Magnus, and from that first meeting Jace was thoroughly ruined. The tough policeman that Alec knew, turned into the biggest sap around her, writing songs for her on his piano, bringing her flowers, highlighting poems in books that reminded him of her. She brought a softer side in him, even though Alec teased him relentlessly about it, he was grateful for the redhead scrap. 

“Finally! It has been torture to sit here and wait while a perfectly cooked rack of lamb sat there waiting for me!” Izzy exclaimed. 

Jace scowled, “Who said you had to wait?” 

“I’m sorry, Iz. It’s my fault, I lost track of time at the studio.” Clary said contritely. While Clary had a day job as a wedding planner, her passion was art. She would work all year on a new collection and then at the beginning of the year she would hold an art show.  _ “It’s a good way to start my year. Also, it gives Magnus and I an excuse to throw a party.”  _

Izzy reached over and hugged her, “I guess I can forgive you. You are my favorite sibling after all.” Magnus gave her a mock glare, “Well, then I guess you won’t be having any dinner from  _ my _ table tonight.” 

Izzy laughed, “Okay, you win.” 

“Let’s get a move on! I’m starving! I have been eating light all day waiting for tonight.” Jace complained. 

“Jace, manners!” Maryse scolded. 

Jace rolled his eyes, “Let’s get a move on,  _ please. _ ” he said with exaggerated patience. 

“By all means, let’s eat!” Magnus said. Passing Alec he gave his arm a light squeeze. They planned it beforehand, stuff them with food and alcohol, and then over dessert they would tell them. Izzy was already pleasantly buzzed, but Maryse was working her glass slowly. Magnus had forbidden Alec from drinking at all tonight despite his protests.

_ “Magnus, the doctor said I am fine having small amounts of alcohol here and there.” Magnus had just glared at him, “How would I know? I wasn’t there.”  _

That had effectively shut Alec up, and he decided to resign himself to water for the rest of the night. A small price to pay, he reminded himself. 

Alec sat himself beside Magnus, and tried to find the meal appetizing. Conversation flowed easily between everyone, no one hardly noticed Alec’s silence.

“Did I tell you that I ran into Lorenzo the other day at the supermarket, Magnus?” Clary said.

“No, was he still his charming self?”

“Worse! I was standing behind him in line for the registers, and I tried to say hello, but he just nodded at me and made a disgusted look at my basket. Apparently, frozen chicken nuggets does not measure up to His Highness” Clary snickered. 

“The Robinson’s are using him for their wedding, and I tried so hard to convince them otherwise.” 

“Is his food bad?” Maryse asked.

“No, it’s delicious! It’s  _ him _ that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.” Magnus replied. 

“I saw he was wearing a wedding ring though, can you imagine what his wife is like? She is probably a saint to be able to put up with him.” 

“Husband.” Magnus corrected.

Clary gaped at him, “How do you know? Have you met him?” 

“Not at all. He has never even mentioned anything about his personal life. But, we were working a wedding down at The Plaza, and the groom was gorgeous. Like, male model gorgeous, and Lorenzo looked a little flustered talking to him.” 

“You, of course, had no problem talking to the gorgeous man.” Alec interrupted.

“How could I? I have had so much practice with you.” Everyone laughed at that, while Alec just blushed. 

Sitting here, Alec found himself in his own personal heaven, and he longed for time to stand still, so he could live in this forever. Time was not on his side however, literally, and soon they were cutting up the cake for dessert. Magnus reached under the table and gripped Alec’s knee, looking over he saw that Magnus looked paler than normal. He had to do this, there wasn’t any time left to not. But how could he? 

_ It’s out of your control now. _

Alec resented the fact that it was Simon now, acting as his damn shoulder angel, urging him on to tell the truth. 

He cleared his throat, “Actually, I have something I need to tell you guys.” Under the table Magnus gripped him tighter. Immediately, everyone became serious, the room got quiet and the air got colder. 

“What’s wrong?” Izzy said, on edge. Jace sat beside her and stared intently at Alec. 

“I have been having some… health issues.” Alec started, after that he was lost.  _ Just say it! _

“What kind of health issues?” Jace asked. Alec looked at Magnus, he was staring at the table but Alec could see the tears forming, that did not go unnoticed by everyone at the table.

“Magnus?” Clary reached over and put her hand on his shoulder. 

“It’s bad, isn’t it? What is it?” Izzy questioned. She had an analytical brain, paired with her medical knowledge, Alec could practically see her trying to diagnose him. 

“I’ve been having headaches, some blurred vision, I thought I just maybe had chronic pain, and that once I got pain pills it’d be solved. They found a tumor though, and now I have to go through chemotherapy.” Alec looked at the painting on the wall, an abstract piece that frankly, Alec thought was ugly. 

Izzy leaped from the table and glared at Alec, “No, that can’t be right. They made a mistake. Have you gotten a second opinion?” Magnus perked up at that, latching on to any kind of hope at a misdiagnosis. 

“I saw the tumor with my own eyes, Iz.” 

“Let me see.” She demanded.

“I don’t have it with me, but I’m sure maybe I could get a hold of my doctor and email it to you.” 

“Who's your doctor? I want to talk to him.” She pulled out her phone and waited expectantly for Alec. 

“Wait a damn minute here. You have cancer?” Jace said, finally lurching out of his shock. 

“Yeah, I do. I don’t think it will be too bad though, I had my first dose of chemo on Friday, and I was a little tired after that, but I feel fine.” 

Izzy began to cuss at Alec while had Jace got up and got in Alec’s face, “You have already started chemo and you didn’t think to fucking tell us! What the hell!”

“I wanted to wait until we were all together.”

“So you’re saying you couldn’t have planned dinner for a few days earlier?” Alec could see the tears down Jace’s face before he wiped them away. 

“I haven’t really done anything right since I found out.” Alec admitted. 

“So where were you in all of this? If you knew Alec was being a fucking idiot, why didn’t you tell us?” Jace raged at Magnus. That is where Alec crossed the line, standing up he shoved Jace away.

“It’s not his fault! I didn’t even tell him right away!”

Jace shoved him back, “What, so you weren’t going to tell any of us?” Clary started to shout at them and tried to get in between them. 

“Would it have felt any better knowing I was dying a week ago?” Alec snarled. 

Again, the room fell silent. Alec was really beginning to hate silence. 

“Dying? You’re dying?” Izzy gasped, she clutched her chest and began to sob. Clary rushed over and hugged her close. Jace stared at him as if he saw a ghost. _ Maybe one day. _

“How long do you have?” Jace choked out. That was a question not even Magnus had dared to ask. 

“Long enough, I won’t be dead next month.” Alec hesitated. Suddenly, he felt someone grab his hand. Turning, he saw Magnus, his beautiful Magnus, crumbled and crying, with a haunted look in his eyes. “How long, Alexander?”

“I don’t know, maybe a couple of years. Five at the most, if it doesn’t spread. We have plenty of time.” Alec tried to soothe him, and himself. Was there enough time? Was there ever enough time? 

Looking around at the faces he loved most, he realized that his mother wasn’t there. He gave a questioning look to Magnus, and he pointed out to the balcony. At some point, she had moved outside. He took a deep breath and walked out, his mother did not look back at him, instead she seemed to be taking in the skyline. Walking closer though, he could hear her shuddering breaths. 

Maryse Lightwood did not cry. Alec could think of a handful of times where he has seen his mother fall apart, when his grandmother died, when his father died, and when he got lost at an amusement park as a kid. It had been a long, hot day at Adventureland, and Alec had wanted to go on the log ride to cool down. Izzy wasn’t tall enough to ride yet, so Maryse had refused. Alec was frustrated that they had to do little kid things for Izzy, so he decided to break away and go on the log ride by himself. He had waited in line, and stuck close to another family. It wasn’t until he got on with them and the ride started to go forward, did they realize that some random kid had snuck on with them. 

Alec still remembers that ride, how proud and grown up he felt for being able to do it by himself. But once he got off, he couldn’t find his mom. The parents he had latched to, tried to help him find her, and had taken him to the security office so they could call for her over the intercom. She was already at the office though, sobbing and screaming at the security guards. 

_ “Ma’am, we will find your son.” _

_ “What if he was taken? My boy needs his mother! I need my boy!”  _

Alec had never forgotten the shame he felt for running away, and how small he felt watching his mom cry over him. Looking at his mother now, he felt like that little boy again, scared and alone. 

“Mom?” He said quietly, not wanting to startle her. 

Maryse just shook her head and cried harder, refusing to look at Alec. 

“Mom, I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner.” His voice cracked. Making your mother cry always made your guts twisted. He prayed to God to spare his mother this pain,  _ you can do anything you want to me, but please let her be. _

“That doesn’t matter to me, Alec. What matters to me is you.” 

Alec hugged her, and he could smell her perfume, a comforting smell of vanilla. 

“Oh,  _ Alec!” _ she sobbed, and hugged him like he was her lifeline. He was struck again with another memory. 

  
  


_ “Alexander Gideon Lightwood, don’t you ever scare me like that again!”  _

Alec couldn't even be embarrassed about being yelled at in front of the security guards, there was no room inside him for anything else but guilt, even Izzy was crying. 

_ “I’m sorry, Mommy.”  _

_ “Don’t ever leave me again! Do you understand?”  _

_ “I won’t leave you.”  _

  
  


Alec had been determined to be strong, to not burden others with his pain. He realized though that this wasn’t just his pain, and as much as he could try to protect them, this was something they would have to endure together, because he could not do it alone. Maybe tomorrow, or next week when the wound wasn’t so raw, Alec could handle himself better, but for right now he was just a boy, who needed his mom. 

  
  


“Don’t worry, mom. I won’t leave you.” And together, they cried. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, how are we feeling? I'll admit I teared up a bit when writing about Maryse. I always wanted to see more mother son moments between the two, so that is one thing I wanted to add in this story. Let me know what you think! I always love hearing from you guys.


	10. Chapter 10

**Magnus**

Going to work on Monday was much harder than Magnus expected it to be, how could he pretend everything was the same when his whole life shifted? There was now that invisible timer weighing over his head, counting down each second he had with his love. He had not even considered asking Alec how long they thought he had, had not even wanted to acknowledge that there might be a time where he would not have Alec by his side. Now, it was all he could think about. 

Picking out color schemes seemed like a waste of time, taste testing different cakes was offensive, and pretending to be happy for the newly engaged couples was blasphemous. He wasn’t focused enough, and he didn’t care enough. Why should he care about a gorgeous twenty thousand dollar wedding? It was all superficial anyway, didn’t these people understand that? Having a five tiered cake won’t save your relationship. Heavenly smelling flowers wouldn’t stop them leaving you. Having a destination wedding wouldn’t make sure you would never be alone again. 

He couldn’t concentrate today, he stared at the same budget from his clients for what felt like hours and couldn’t make sense of it. “Magnus?” Looking up, he saw Clary tentatively waiting in the doorway to his office. He tried to smile but even he could feel that it was worn. “Come in, biscuit.” 

“Hey, I didn’t get a chance to really talk to you last night, I’m really sorry about Alec.”

“Me too.” He would take Alec’s place in a heartbeat if he could. “Speaking of Alec, I am going to need to spend more time away from the office now, and I won’t be going to any weddings outside of the city.” 

“No, of course. Take any time you need, I can handle it. Plus, since Dot got hired we will have extra help.” Clary’s voice was kind, and it made Magnus hurt, he didn’t need anyone’s kindness, he needed a miracle. Some cure that would wipe away all of Alec’s disease, all of the pain. Something that could mend the fissure is his soul, to turn back time and replay all of the small moments he took for granted. He would never again be frustrated by the way Alec leaves his shoes in the hall, or how he would leave crumbs on the bed. Someday he might live in a world where his bed would be pristine, and he would never trip on his way through the door. What a lonely world that would be. Magnus cleared his throat to try to clear his constricting throat, but it didn’t help. 

“Do you want to talk about it at all?”

“I don’t really know what to say. Complaining about it seems selfish when it is Alexander who is sick. How is Jace and Isabelle doing?” 

“Well Izzy spent the night with us, she didn’t want to be alone. I could hear her crying through the walls, but eventually she fell asleep. Jace has just completely shut down though, says he doesn’t want to talk about it”

Magnus just nodded, he knew Jace was more reserved than even Alec when it came to emotions. 

“Are you okay?” Clary asked.

“No, I’m not. Alec doesn’t seem to want to keep me in the loop in all of this either. He keeps trying to hide things, or try to sugar coat it. He isn’t being completely honest with me. For the first time in our relationship I don’t trust him to tell me the truth. On Friday I was in Albany, and the only reason I went is because he assured me Lydia would be going with him. I know Lydia, and I know that she would take care of him. He didn’t take her though, he took some stranger that I have never even met and didn’t tell me. So when I called Lydia to see how he was doing, she told me that Alec never even asked her!” It felt good to rant about it with someone, to finally let the anger pour out. 

“Well, did Alec trust this person going with him?” 

“I guess, he is the counselor for this support group he joined. Logically, I know that was a wise choice. I guess this Simon guy has had cancer himself, I know that he will be able to relate with Alec in a way I can’t.” 

“Ah, I see. Then why does it bother you so much? I mean, I can see why it would be frustrating, but it’s not like there wasn’t someone there for him. Maybe that’s what he needed, someone who knew the process in and out, instead of someone who was just as scared as he was.” 

Magnus gave her a wounded look. Why couldn’t Alec need him though? He was Alec’s partner, and he should be able to lean on him in times of trouble. Sure, he didn’t know what was going on, but he could learn. He had already ordered several books on Amazon about cancer, and even went out and bought a special binder with a calendar inside. That way he could sort out any paperwork, store brochures or care packets, and write down all of his appointments to keep track. 

“Or is that what’s really bothering you? The fact that Alec went to someone else and not you?” 

Magnus sighed, he couldn’t deny Clary knew him well. He was jealous, and hurt, and angry. To his embarrassment, he almost felt abandoned. 

“That’s part of it, I suppose. Only a small part though. I just want Alec to let me take care of him. Every time I try he blows me off.”

Clary walks over to him and sits on the arm of his plush chair, and wraps her arms around his shoulder. 

“Magnus, who drives him to his appointments doesn’t matter. Who he chooses to let comfort him from time to time doesn’t matter either. Because it’s going to be you for the big stuff. You are the one that is going to be holding him up when it’s too heavy for him, you will be the one to clean him up when he gets sick, and you will be the one to love him the whole way through it.” 

Magnus leaned into Clary, and tried to convince himself that she was right.

  
  


____________

  
  
  
  


Magnus had decided to take the rest of the day off, it wasn’t like he was going to get much work done anyway. Everyone understood and gave him a pitying look on his way out. He wanted to be home, and he needed to talk to Alec about Friday. Was he jealous? Did he really have any right to be angry? 

Walking into his place he tripped over Alec’s shoes, and let out a sigh. Okay, maybe he could still be a little frustrated with Alec, cancer or not.

“Alexander? Are you home, darling?” He called out. 

“In here, babe!” Alec replied from their home office. He set out to the office, feeling apprehensive. Alec and him had gotten into plenty of arguments before, but none this personal. Why did Alec not want him to be there for him? 

Magnus found Alec at his desk, hair a mess, with a tattered shirt and sweats. “You’re home early. Did you have a slow day?” 

“I wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to head out.”

Alec frowned and stood up, placing his hand on Magnus’s forehead like he was checking for a fever. “You feel sick? Here, go lay down. I will make you some tea.” He kissed his forehead and nudged him into the direction of the bedroom. All at once the anger came pouring into his body. 

“So you can take care of me but I am not allowed to take care of you?” 

Alec paused, he seemed to think about his answer carefully, not wanting to upset Magnus further. 

“Of course you can take care of me when I am sick.”

Magnus scoffed and walked into the kitchen, setting out his tea kettle he tried not to slam it onto the stove. He barely succeeded. 

“Magnus, I'm sorry I didn’t tell you that I was taking Simon.”

“I’m not mad about Simon!” He shouted. 

“Then what are you mad about?”

Magnus whirled around, enraged. 

“For starters, let’s talk about how you didn’t even tell me to begin with that something was going on. I didn’t know you had MRI’s done, I didn’t know you were seeing a specialist, and I didn’t even know you have cancer until a week later. A week! I should have been the first person you told! I should have been with you the whole time! I should have been there on Friday, and you left me out of it. All of it. Alec, I’m going to be your husband soon, shouldn’t you know that you can depend on me? Instead, I am being lied to and treated like a child. Not your partner.” 

Alec stared at him in shock, his hands fidgeting at his side. Magnus wasn’t done quite yet though.

“I can’t help but think about what else you are going to hide from me. If the doctors tell you there is nothing they can do, will I know?” Magnus couldn’t hide the tremor in his voice. 

“You’re right. Okay? You’re right, that was all wrong of me. I am so sorry.” Alec slowly walked over to him, arms spread out, as if he wasn’t sure he had a right to hold Magnus. Magnus went into his arms and held on tightly. This is what he needed, what he had been needing all day. 

“Why did you lie to me?” 

“When I first went to the doctor, they told me it could be more serious than we thought. I knew that if I told you that, you would have freaked out. So I wanted to wait until we were sure about what was going on. I thought it was kinder that way, but I see now that it was underhanded. As for Friday, I wanted you there too, but I don’t want you to give up your whole life for me.”

Magnus pulled away from him and stared incredulously at Alec. “Alexander, you are my world. I love you more than anything else, more than my job, or prior commitments. More than myself. I already gave my life to you, there is nothing you could ask for that I wouldn’t do for you.”

“You say that now, but what about in a few months when the chemo really starts to make me sick, when you have to hear me moan about it all day. What about when I lose weight and lose my hair?”

“I want you to let me take care of you!  _ I can’t let you die! _ ” Magnus shattered in that moment, and he let the pieces of his former self dissolve. He was no longer that Magnus, the one that would stay out late with friends, the one who could charm the most ill mannered, the vibrant happy go lucky Magnus. He was purely in survival mode now, and there was no doubt in his mind that Alec was a basic need of his life. 

He could feel the hot tears run down his face, his vision was blurred and he couldn’t make out Alec’s face, but his body had stiffened. “I  _ can’t. _ So I need to take care of you, in any way I can. You are my heart Alexander, and I don’t trust anyone else with it, so you are just going to have to deal with it.”

“Magnus,” Alec gently whispered, “if I made you feel that I didn’t want you with me I am so sorry. I guess a part of me doesn’t want you to have to see the ugly side in this. I don’t want to stop being the man you fell in love with, or have you see me as weak.” 

“I can be strong enough for the both of us, you just have to trust me, darling.” Right now, Magnus didn’t feel strong, but he would find a way for Alec. There wasn’t any other choice. 

Alec hugged him, whispering over and over how sorry he was. Though he was already forgiven, there truly wasn’t much he could do to topple himself of the pedestal Magnus had placed him on. 

“How would you feel about ordering some Thai food, and lay in bed the rest of the day?” 

Alec laughed, “We could finally finish watching our Harry Potter marathon without falling asleep.” 

“Oh, I have no intention of sleeping tonight, darling.” Stroking his back he inched his hand lower, now that the tension was gone Magnus only felt a deep desire to be close to Alec. He could hear Alec’s breath hitch, he cleared his throat before responding.

“Yeah? I think I would be okay with that. I mean, you did say there was nothing I could ask that you wouldn’t do, I might have to take advantage of that.” 

Magnus grinned wolfishly, “I also said that I would take care of you, and I will. Multiple times. In several positions.” Alec moaned softly, and Magnus beamed. He loved how responsive Alec was to him, he had never experienced anything like Alexander before. He knew he would never experience it again with anyone else. So Magnus led Alec into the bedroom, with every intention of making him fall apart under his fingertips, to make him sob and cry with pleasure. For healing purposes, of course...


	11. Chapter 11

“Now, who is going to start today’s discussion? Does anyone have anything they would like to talk about?” Simon always started these little sessions like that, leaving the whole meeting to be improvised.  _ I never plan what we are going to do, you guys should talk about what you need to say, not what I want you to say,  _ he had said. Alec had to admit Simon was growing on him, not in a way that made him his friend, more like mold growing on bread. He was a decent enough counselor, and that is a high praise for Alec considering his back history of completely denying any kind of mental or physical help. 

“Well, Helen and I have an anniversary coming up, I was thinking about doing something special for her, but I wasn’t sure what. I don’t know if I really want to buy anything for her, just because she is the one working full time to support me. I don’t want to use her money to buy her a gift, you know?” 

“Getting naked is free.” Meliorn leered. 

Aline shrugged, “Our sex life is still thriving, if you really want to know. Just last night she did this thing with her tongue-”

“Okay! Any suggestions for Aline?” Simon interrupted. 

“You could make her something. How are you at crocheting?” Maureen asked.

Aline groaned that, “No way, if I have to knit I will shove the needle into my throat.”

“Knitting and crocheting are not the same thing.” 

“It’s close enough. Anyone else got anything?”

“Love coupons. I gave those to my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day last year and she loved them.” Alaric suggested. 

Meliorn snickered, “Love coupons? If she said she loved them, she’s lying.” Alaric glared at him. 

“My husband and I have a rule on special occasions, no talking about anything related to hospitals, sickness, and tragedy. It’s nice, we go on a walk, get ice cream, flirt with each other like we are newlyweds.” Andrew softly said. The love he had for his husband was written onto his face like poetry. Alec felt like he was intruding just to see it. 

Aline smiled, “I like that. A cancer free day. It’s felt like forever since we have had just a normal day.” 

“Maybe you could go back to where you had your first date too, get all dressed up and surprise her.” Maia suggested. Aline seemed to dim at that, though Alec didn’t know why, it seemed like a good idea.

“What’s wrong, Aline?” Simon asked. 

“I like the idea of that, it’s just what if we do that and she realized how much I have changed? Even if she doesn’t, it’s hard to dress up and feel beautiful now.” Alec didn’t have much experience with that, but Maia and Maureen nodded along as if they understood exactly the problem. 

“You could wear a wig. I can come over and do your hair and makeup, if you want?” Maia said. 

Aline squealed, “Oh my god! Could you? That would be amazing! I want Helen to just drop dead when she sees me.” Maia laughed and nodded her head. 

_ Interesting.  _ Alec had to admit he had never really dressed for Magnus before. He had dressed nicer on dates, but he had never thought about what Magnus would like to see him in. He tried to think back on a specific time where Magnus was impressed with what he wore, or that he paid more attention to him. When he was shirtless he got a lot of attention from Magnus, or when he got back from the gym. Maybe he should try sometime, to dress up for Magnus, to let him know he put in effort for him. Maybe even seduce him a little, as humiliating as it sounds. Alec had never been great at seduction, Magnus always taking the lead. It’d be nice to see Magnus flustered for once, to see him unravel, he could tease him just as well as Magnus teased him. His face caught fire when he thought of the way Magnus teased him last night, the way he moaned in Alec’s ear… 

“Alec?” Underhill interrupted his daydream, looking at him as if he were insane. 

“What?” 

“I was saying that the meeting is over, but you seemed pretty spaced out.” 

Alec was shocked to see only a couple people remained in the room, he had been too busy thinking about Magnus to even notice the meeting fly by. 

“Oh, sorry about that. I was just thinking… about what to have for lunch. I’m pretty hungry.”  _ You are dumb as fuck, you dumb fuck.  _ Even Alec could hear the lie in his voice, but Underhill was kind enough not to read into it.

“Well, I was actually going out to get something, you can join if you want?” 

“Yeah, thanks if you don’t mind.” Underhill seemed nice, and Alec didn’t really have a lot of friends that were his own friends. His group consisted of family and Magnus’s friends. Besides Lydia. She was practically family anyway. 

“Great, my husband owns his own restaurant about six blocks away, I usually stop by after these meetings to say hello and snag free food. Honestly, half the reason I married him was for the food.” 

As they walked together Alec realized how easy Underhill was to talk to. He was easy going and a great listener, speaking directly to Alec without the awkwardness most conversations with acquaintances go.

Walking into the restaurant however, Alec realized exactly who Underhill’s husband was.

“Lorenzo’s? Like Lorenzo Rey?” 

Underhill smiled, “Yeah, do you know him?” 

“Only by reputation.” Alec replied wryly. He couldn’t believe it! Finally, he could meet the guy that turned Magnus’s face purple with aggravation. Put a face to the name Magnus repeatedly cursed. He had to admit though, the restaurant was nice. It was casual, but upscale. Dark brick walls, with black tables metal chairs, Edison bulbs hung from the ceiling, and green ferns decorated the corners. It was exactly the kind of place Alec would enjoy. 

They sat down at a small table near the corner, a waitress came around with menus. 

“Hey, Andrew. Would you like your usual?” 

“Yes, please. I think Alec might need a little bit more time though.” Alec nodded in confirmation. She smiled politely, and left to fill in Underhill’s order.

“So, what is Lorenzo’s reputation, if you don’t mind me asking.” 

“Oh, well I don’t know if he has ever mentioned my fiance, but his name is Magnus Bane.” 

Underhill looked shocked for a second and then threw his head back in a boisterous laugh. “Magnus ‘Bane of my existence’, Magnus? Yeah, I have heard of him. God, Lorenzo comes home so pissed off on the days he sees Magnus. He says Magnus is too flamboyant and snarky.” Alec had to smile at that, because that was exactly how his Magnus was, and he wouldn’t change a single hair on him. 

“Yeah, I get that. He says Lorenzo is too harsh, and arrogant.” 

Underhill nodded, “He didn’t used to be like that. Believe or not he actually used to be way more relaxed than he is now. It’s just with me being sick, I think he is obsessed with me getting better that he doesn’t really notice how he is with people anymore.” 

Would Magnus get like that? He liked to believe that Magnus could face anything with flair, but he had seen the way he had broken down. Alec wasn’t stupid, Magnus would move on if Alec died, but how bad would get before he did?

“I worry about Magnus.” Alec confessed. Alec looked down at the menu, scolding himself for opening up to Underhill, they weren’t that close. 

Thankfully, the waitress came back and asked for Alec’s order, he quickly ordered the clam chowder and a Coke. 

“Well, it’s normal to worry about them. I worry more about Lorenzo than I do about me, easily. He gets upset about that, saying that I am the one that’s sick, but a part of me…” he trailed off. 

“Is grateful that it’s you that’s sick and not him?” Alec finished for him. He could understand that, he felt the same way. As Magnus fell apart in his arms, Alec couldn’t help but be relieved that Magnus wasn’t the one holding Alec together. When he saw the poison run into his veins, he thanked God it wasn’t Magnus sitting in that awful mint green recliner. Alec could face any pain or torture, as long as his loved ones were safe. 

“Yes, exactly. It’s better for me that I am the one sick, and not him. Lorenzo, he is a rock. Nothing ever breaks him, and I know that if I don’t beat this, he will be okay. Maybe not right away, or even for a while, but one day. That’s all I can really hope for right now. That, and sex. That man has been holding out on me for months, and if he doesn’t do something about it I will explode.” 

Alec had to laugh at that, this being the second time he has mentioned it, Alec could only guess how much he had actually thought about it. 

“Well, you said he was just worried about you. I wouldn’t look too much into it.” 

“Sure, but I didn’t join the freaking monastery. The last time him and I had sex was Christmas, and that’s only because he was so busy with his business that he forgot to get me an actual gift. What’s worse, is I finished too quickly, and he didn’t finish at all.” 

“I can beat you on bad sex stories any day of the week so don’t try me.” Embarrassingly enough, this was when the waitress stopped by with their food, Alec’s face turned red as she winked at him, and Underhill just chuckled. 

“Okay, the winner pays for lunch.” 

Alec frowned, “You eat for free here anyway.”

“So the winner buys drinks later.” 

“Deal. You first.”

“So, I was in tenth grade and after band practice, this guy and I started to make out in the supply closet of the band room. We both had braces though, and the bands got stuck together, and we had to call a teacher to come help us.” 

“That’s horrifying. I can still beat it. Freshman year of college, I met this guy in my economics class and he asked me over to his dorm room for pizza and a movie. We had been studying all day for our final and I was pretty beat, but I said okay because I thought it was going to be a relaxed night. We ended up fooling around, but I fell asleep in the middle of it as I was giving him a hand job. Never hung out with him again.” 

“I once had an allergic reaction to this self warming lube, and it burned so bad, but I thought that was what it was supposed to do, but I ended up getting a rash. Exactly where you think the rash was too.” 

Alec liked this, being able to talk about other experiences with guys to someone, a gay man too. He had never had that before, someone who was like him. Even Magnus was bisexual and had experiences with women that made Alec queasy. This was the kind of guy talk that Jace always tried to have with him, but Alec was never comfortable enough to share. He didn’t even tell Jace when he lost his virginity, just because he was afraid Jace would be grossed out. 

However, Underhill was winning this round, so Alec had to pull out the big guns. “When my high school girlfriend got naked in front of me the first time, I blurted out I was gay and she punched me in the face.” 

Underhill gave an impressed low whistle, “You’re right, you suck at sex.” 

Alec laughed, “I always seem to get it right with Magnus though, and even if I do mess up, it doesn’t feel bad. We just laugh and get better at it together.” 

“I think that’s what I miss most, just being able to laugh with Lorenzo. He doesn’t do that much anymore.” 

“Not much to laugh about with this.” 

“No, I know. If I do die, I want our last moments together to be happy.” Underhill perked up, “Here he comes, act like we weren’t talking about how bad we are at sex, and that we don’t laugh. God, we sound boring as hell.” 

Alec snickered.

“Andrew, I wasn’t expecting you to bring a guest. I knew you were here from your order, but I was surprised to find a second order on your ticket.” Lorenzo was handsome, Alec supposed, not at all his type, but not many men that weren’t Magnus was his type. He had a dark low ponytail, severe eyebrows, and a sharp jawline. His jaw clenched when he spoke, a clear sign of his constant anxiety. 

“Yeah, this is Alec. He’s a new guy at Simon’s meetings, and I invited him to lunch. He is actually Magnus Bane’s partner. Funny, huh?”

“Ah, yes, Magnus. Well, it’s nice to meet you Alec. Give Magnus my regards.” He said with forced politeness. 

“I will, thank you.” 

“Andrew, are you sure you should be out and about so much? It’s almost two o’clock, shouldn’t you be at home?” Lorenzo tried to sound scolding, but Alec could hear the fear in his voice. 

Underhill rolled his eyes, “I’m fine to have lunch with my friend. We were just finishing up, anyways.” 

“The chowder was delicious, by the way.” Alec said as he reached into his back pocket for his wallet, but Lorenzo stopped him.

“Please, it’s on the house. Any friend of my husband’s is a friend of mine.”  _ I gotta get Magnus to be Underhill’s friend then… _

“What time will you be home?” Underhill asked. 

“Late. My evening cook called in sick, so I’m covering for him.” 

“But, I thought we were gonna have a movie night.” 

“We can do that tomorrow night. Promise. I have to head back, but it was great meeting you Alec.” As he walked away Underhill glared at his back. 

“Whatever. It’s not like this is the first time he’s skipped out on me.” 

“Maybe you should invest in a pair of handcuffs, to pin him to the bed so he can’t. You know, consensually, and all that.” 

“If a pair of handcuffs can save my marriage, I’m buying a dozen of them.” Underhill bitterly laughed. 

Was this his future with Magnus? A life filled with sick days and broken promises? He hoped not, maybe he should buy a pair of handcuffs too. Just in case. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, lately I have been feeling a little bit unmotivated, but this chapter was a lot of fun to write. Hope you enjoy!


	12. Chapter 12

**Magnus**

  
  


“You know, you don’t have to be nervous. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.” Alec reassured him for the hundredth time. Today was another appointment for Alec’s infusion, and Magnus made sure to clear the whole day for it. He had been collecting the essentials to bring to the hospital throughout the week. A deck of playing cards, light blankets, a couple of pillows, a Kindle, both of their laptops, chargers, a pack of mints just in case Alec gets sick, and an extra pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. Also in case Alec gets sick. Magnus had thought of every scenario and packed it neatly in a black duffel bag. Alec scoffed when he saw it, but Magnus wouldn’t let that deter him. He also made sure to bring Alec’s binder with copies of insurance cards, and medical records. 

Magnus had enough surprises to last a lifetime, he refused to go in unprepared. 

“I’m not nervous, I’m just organized. Can you think of anything I forgot?” Magnus went through the bag one more time, making sure he didn’t leave anything behind. 

“We can’t take our whole apartment with us.” 

“You underestimate my packing abilities.” 

“Believe me, I am well aware of what you’re packing.” Alec leered.

Magnus stared at him in shock, “Was that an innuendo? Did my Alexander actually say that?” 

Alec rolled his eyes, a look he perfected, and walked into the kitchen to fill up his water bottle again. Water! He forgot water bottles, and snacks. Magnus looked in their pantry, all he could find was stale crackers, cereal, and a questionable loaf of bread. “Do you think we have time to get snacks on the way there?” 

“The hospital has a cafeteria, you can go buy some there. Magnus, you didn’t forget anything at all. This is your first day and you are already a professional. Even if we didn’t bring something, we will just remember to bring it next time. I’m gonna be there enough times to get it down to an exact science.” 

Yes, that was true, it was hard for Magnus to imagine though. Their life would soon be constant trips to the hospital, grocery lists of medications, and emotional wear down. This wasn’t what Magnus thought was going to happen, but he couldn’t leave Alec even if he tried. Alexander was simply it for him, no moving forward or leaving him behind. Even if Magnus could somehow know five years ago that this is where they would end up, he wouldn’t have changed a thing. 

_ “One vanilla latte, two cold brews, one iced latte, or wait, was it one cold brew and two iced lattes?” Magnus muttered to himself as he walked to the Brew House. He should have written it down, but he had wanted to impress his new boss. Being an assistant was humbling, but worth it. Or so he told himself. He would remember to treat his future assistants with far more respect, not that his boss wasn’t kind, but he preferred more communication with people than a simple, “I need you to go on a coffee run.”  _ _   
  
_

_ He really should be grateful he even got this job, it was the one nice thing Camille ever did for him. Belcourt was up and coming in the fashion world, and while it wasn’t great use of his business degree, Magnus did always enjoy a good runway show. It didn’t really matter to him if this didn’t quite stick with him regardless, he wasn’t even sure what he truly wanted to do anyway, but at least this would be another name on his resume.  _

_ The comforting smell of coffee hit him as he opened the door, as well as a musky scent. Pine maybe? Standing in front of Magnus in line though was one of the most beautiful men Magnus had ever seen. Tall with wide shoulders that tapered down to a thin waist. Magnus could see the bulge of muscles through the dark green sweater, and if the body wasn’t perfect enough, his face was like Adonis himself. Was Magnus drooling? He quickly raised his hand to his mouth. Only slightly.  _

_ As they waited in line, Magnus thought of a way to start a conversation. Maybe he could drop his phone and the beautiful stranger would have to turn around to look, and if he were a gentleman, he might even reach down to pick it up for him. Maybe he could offer to buy his coffee, maybe he could make a witty pun to make him laugh. Maybe, maybe, maybe.  _

_ Adonis had reached into his back pocket to pull out his phone, and with it a few dollars fell out. Perfect! He bent down and grabbed the cash, he cleared his throat. “Excuse me, you dropped this.” Tall, dark, and handsome turned around, “Oh, thanks.” Then turned right back around. _

_ So not the love at first sight moment he was hoping for. Maybe he was straight? Magnus fervently prayed he wasn’t. He needed this. Even if this perfect specimen wasn’t his forever, it’d be nice just to get out there again. He had a few casual encounters since Camille, but nothing ever substantial. Just a few hot hellos and awkward goodbyes.  _

_ Magnus tried to think of any other way he could start a conversation with Angel Face, he needed to think quickly, they were coming up to the front of the line. Oh fuck it! _

_ “You seem to have forgotten something.”  _

_ The man looked on the floor, searching, “Did I drop something else?” He had an adorable furrow in his eyebrow.  _

_ “No, it’s just, you forgot to get my number.” He froze, a beautiful shade of pink adorned his cheeks. He stuttered twice before he managed to get out, “You want me to ask you for your number?”  _

_ “Or if you’d prefer, I could ask you for yours.”  _

_ “Yeah, yeah. That would be- I mean, I can ask, or I guess you already did.” Oh Heavens! God really outdid himself on this man.  _

_ “Next!” The barista bellowed out. The beauty reluctantly turned and ordered his drink, “A large red-eye with one cream, please.” Magnus cringed at his order. He might as well just inject caffeine into his veins. Magnus reminded himself that maybe not everyone was perfect.  _

_ Magnus stepped up next and ordered, and then went to stand next to his mystery man. He was fidgeting with his hands, and seeming to have trouble making eye contact. Magnus didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, “Look, there’s no hard feelings if you’re not interested.”  _

_ “No! I mean, no, it’s just you’re very glamorous. I’m sorry! That’s not what I meant.” He looked down at the floor, probably wishing it would swallow him whole. Magnus chuckled, “Thank you, I think you’re very lovely as well. I’m Magnus, by the way.”  _

_ “Alec.”  _

_ Magnus took a pen and wrote his number on Alec’s coffee cup, “Well, then Alec. I can’t wait to get to know you better.”  _

  
  
  
  


Magnus knew the story of every scar, he knew that Alec hated the cold but loved the look of winter, he knew that Alec didn’t like scary movies, and believed in ghosts. He knew his insecurities and fears, he knew his favorite songs, and could trace the patterns of freckles on his back with his eyes closed. Magnus has thought he knew every conceivable part of his beloved. Turns out, there were a few things he didn’t know about Alec. 

Before today, Magnus couldn’t really tell you what Alec’s height and weight was, or what his blood type was. He had never given a thought to his white blood cell count. He didn’t know that Alec detested waiting rooms, and was embarrassed by the nurses fussing. 

It wasn’t something he’d soon forget.

He’d also never forget the image of Alec hooked to an IV, surrounded by scrubs and smooth, bald heads. 

  
  


“See? It’s not so bad. Now we just sit here and wait. I have to catch up on some things at work, but that shouldn’t take too long. Maybe after that I can kick your ass at a card game.” Alec joked. 

“You are welcome to try.” Magnus pulled out their laptops, he did have quite a bit of work to do. Skipping out today wasn’t horrible, but it did mean extra stress for tomorrow. He had to admit this wasn’t as horrible as he was expecting. In a morbid way it almost felt… normal. Magnus wasn’t quite sure what exactly he expected. Perhaps a cold room with Alec strapped down, and the grim reaper in the corner watching. Magnus shivered at the thought. 

Surprisingly, their time went by quickly. They both got some work done, played Crazy Eights, watched a movie together. They hadn’t had time to sit down and just be together for a while now. If it wasn’t for the IV, Magnus could almost believe they were just hanging out having a lazy day. He’d much prefer them at home on the couch or in bed, but Magnus wasn’t picky about his time with Alec. 

“So, how are you feeling?” 

“I’m feeling okay, this really isn’t that bad right now. I know it won’t always feel this way, but I’m okay.” 

“This doesn’t scare you?” It scared Magnus, and he was just a bystander. 

Alec chewed his lip as he thought about it, “Yes, and no. This part here isn’t what I’m scared of, but when I look at the big picture, I’m scared. But just sitting here with you, no. I think that group is really going to help too, I actually had lunch the other day with one of the members, his name is Andrew.” Alec suddenly perked up and smiled, “He’s married to Lorenzo.” 

“ _ What? _ Lorenzo Rey? My nemesis?” 

Alec gave him a sarcastic look, “I didn’t realize you hated him so much that he’s your nemesis. He’s food is actually pretty good. I only talked to him for a little bit, but he seemed nice enough.”

“You ate his food? And  _ liked _ it? What happened to loyalty? Alexander, I am disappointed in you.” 

Alec hummed but seemed lost in thought, “I think you and Lorenzo would actually get along.” 

Magnus laughed, “Oh, darling, I didn’t realize one of the side effects of chemotherapy was delusion.” Magnus then froze, worried he had gone too far. Could they joke about this yet? With him in the hospital? Were they even allowed to? Thankfully, Alec laughed with him.

“No, really. You two have a lot in common. Two successful, driven men, who have thriving businesses, and sick loved ones. You have so much to bond over. I told Andrew who you were and apparently he rants about you to his husband too. But, Andrew said he used to be a really great guy, he’s just stressed about Andrew and I don’t think he knows how to process that.” 

_ Damn it!  _ Magnus did not want to feel any kind of sympathy for Lorenzo Rey. Nor did he want to be told any similarities he might have to the man. Unfortunately, Magnus could already feel himself thaw for him. How could he blame Lorenzo for being temperamental while his husband slowly dies? It had only been a few weeks with Alec, and Magnus could feel himself turn bitter towards the world. If his Alexander did die, Magnus could hardly imagine he would have any kindness left within himself, not when fate cruelly took the best thing in his life.  _ He won’t die! _ Magnus had to remind himself. 

“I will consider making a peace offering. Once. If he doesn’t take it then that’s on him.” Magnus hesitantly replied. 

“You’re a good man, Magnus Bane.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Once they left the hospital, Magnus felt lighter than he had in days. This wasn’t so difficult. They could do this. Magnus had fussed over Alec, reminding him to stay hydrated and tucking him into the blankets in bed. Alec complained, but Magnus knew he was pleased with the attention. A little pampering never hurt anyone. It wasn’t until later that night, when Magnus woke to the sound of Alec retching in the bathroom, did the cold fear possess his body again. He quickly got up and ran into the room, he saw Alec limply holding himself above the toilet, heaving. 

“Go away!” He weakly cried out. 

“Never.” Magnus grabbed a cloth from the towel rack and soaked it with cool water, he carefully blotted Alec’s forehead 

“You don’t need to see-” Alec vomited again, his whole body shaking. Magnus rubbed his back, whispering words of comfort. He could see the tears forming in Alec’s eyes, from embarrassment or from discomfort, Magnus didn’t know. He pretended he didn’t see them, trying to let Alec keep some of his dignity. Alec took deep breaths, trying to control his nausea. After a few minutes he carefully got up, with help from Magnus, and went to the sink to rinse out his mouth. He gripped the sides of the sink, “Magnus, this is my life now.” 

“Our life. You know I am going to be here every step of the way.” 

Alec laughed bitterly, “What a wonderful life I can offer you.” 

Magnus nodded, “I wouldn’t want any other. Do you feel better? Let’s go to bed, darling. Let me hold you, please.” He led Alec away from the sink and into bed. Alec rested his head on Magnus’s chest, while Magnus ran his fingers through his hair. Eventually, Magnus could hear Alec’s deep breaths, and knew he had fallen asleep. Magnus stayed awake though, counting each and every breath Alec took, and tried to think of little else. Tried not to think of sickness, and bald heads, or the smell of the disinfectant the hospital used. 

Instead he tried to think that he was just a man, holding his tired love after a long day. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Jace**

  
  


_ Thwack. Thwack.  _

The rhythmic, consistent hits to the punching bag soothed Jace. This is what he knew best. Anger, control, pain. So much pain. The gym was usually pretty empty around this time, but Jace had chosen a private room where they taught kickboxing classes so he would be left alone. 

_ Thwack.  _

His brother was dying. It wasn’t fair, what had Alec ever done to deserve that? From the moment Jace met Alec he knew that he was safe with him. That Alec would always be there for him, and Jace had always strived to be the same for Alec. Yet, here was something Jace couldn’t fight for him, something Jace couldn’t stop. Alec had been the very foundation of his life. What would happen when Alec was no longer there? 

_ Thwack. _

“Feeling better?” Jace looked up to see Izzy walk in, her hair was up in a ponytail, and her face was bare of any makeup. It was a shock to see, Izzy always looked glamorous. 

“No. You?” What could possibly make them feel better?

“Not at all. Have you talked to him lately?” Jace went to the bench on the side of the room to grab his water bottle and chugged out of it. 

“Nope.” 

Izzy crossed her arms and glared at him, “And why not?” 

Jace ran his hands through his hair in frustration and tugged. He didn’t want to talk about Alec, he didn’t want to talk  _ to  _ Alec. He wanted to sit in here, hitting the bag, and making his body numb in exhaustion. 

“Jace, you need to talk to him. You can’t just ignore him.”

“Leave it alone, Izzy.” He grabbed his bag and walked out of the room, Izzy following him the whole way. 

“You can’t run away from me forever.” Izzy’s voice pecked annoyingly.

Jace got to the men's locker room and stuck his tongue out at her, “No, but I can sure try.” 

Standing in the shower, he let the hot water relax him. He knew that Izzy would be waiting for him when he got out, but he could let her wait it out a bit. He didn’t need to be reminded by her to talk to Alec while they still could, that one day he wouldn’t be here. Jace’s chest convulsed at the thought and he grabbed the shower wall to keep himself upright. 

One day Alec wouldn’t be here. 

_ Oh, God. _ When Jace had thought of his future, Alec was always by his side. To think that Alec wouldn’t be standing as his best man at his wedding, or helping him put his future child’s crib together was unimaginable. Alec wouldn’t be his brother anymore, he would be a memory. Someone he  _ used  _ to know, a person who knew every secret and took them to his grave. 

_ It wasn’t fucking fair! _

Jace arrested so many horrible people in this world. Murderers, rapists, and other lowlife creeps, but they live out the rest of their lives, and sometimes get off with little punishment for their actions. But Alec, Alec who had done nothing but love and protected others, is going to die. Jace would do anything to spare Alec this pain, but yet he could only stand by and do nothing. 

Jace wasn’t sure how long he stood in the shower, watching water go down the drain lost in his own thoughts, but eventually he found the will to get dressed and face Izzy. He found Izzy pacing the hallway leading to the exit, she glared when she saw him, Jace held his hands up in surrender. They sat in silence for a moment in the empty hallway, both of their minds on their brother. 

Finally, with a broken voice Jace said, “What can we do?” 

“I don’t know. I talked to Alec this morning and he said he was fine, but I figured he was lying so I called Magnus. He said Alec was doing great all day yesterday, but last night he got really sick and was throwing up. He is pretty tired today, Magnus made him promise to stay home and rest. Alec didn’t even argue with him, so I know he must feel like shit. Magnus had a couple of meetings today so he asked if I would go over and keep him company, and I wanted to see if you wanted to come.” 

Jace felt cold and sick all over at the thought of seeing Alec. When would Alec stop looking like himself and more like a patient? 

“I’m sorry, I can’t. Tell Alec to feel better soon for me though.” He tried to walk around Izzy, but she caught his sweatshirt and pulled him to a stop.

“Why are you being so difficult?” Izzy exclaimed.

Jace couldn’t have this conversation, not here, he turned back around and almost got to the door when Izzy said, “Alec would have come to see you if you were in his place. In fact, I don’t think anything would stop him.” 

_ Damn it, Izzy.  _ Jace looked back at her, her shoulders were squared but her eyes were glistening. Jace realized it wasn’t just him losing Alec, he hadn’t even thought of anyone else’s pain. Never thought to check in on Mom, or text Magnus, his only thought was of his loss, but Alec was so much more than his brother. 

Jace weakly nodded, “Okay, Iz. I’ll go.” 

  
  
  


“Shouldn’t we knock first?” Jace hissed.

“Why else would Alec give me a key if he didn’t want me using it?” Her logic was flawless, as usual. 

The apartment was not at all the kind of place Jace imagined Alec living, but he always assumed Magnus was the interior designer, and Alec loved him enough to just let him have his fun. The wallpaper was a deep red, with dark furniture and brick walls, the rugs were lavish and colorful, and the multiple bookshelves filled with books, some in languages Jace couldn’t even decipher. But there were pieces of Alec scattered around, his favorite blanket draped on the back of the couch, his chipped mug sitting on the coffee table, pictures of family hung on the walls. It wasn’t the kind of place Jace imagined Alec, but he could feel the love within the home, and knew it was exactly where he was supposed to be. 

Alec stumbled out of the bedroom, looking a bit pale, his eyebrows went up in surprise when he saw them. “Hey, guys. What’s up?” 

Izzy smiled and gave him a hug, “Just dropping by, we had the day off and wanted to come see you.” 

“That’s nice of you, I was just going to come in here to watch a movie or something. We could order a pizza if you’re hungry. Let me go get my phone and I can call it in.”

Izzy pushed him towards the couch, “I can call them, you sit down.”

Alec glared, “I’m not helpless, Iz.” 

“Neither am I.” 

Jace wasn’t even sure why Alec would fight Izzy on this, he would never win. Sick or not, Izzy would wrestle him to the ground to get her way. 

Jace sat down next to Alec, feeling awkward. Alec never minded the silence so he grabbed the remote and turned on Netflix, not even seeming to notice the tension in Jace. 

Or so Jace thought. 

“You can relax, I’m not gonna keel over anytime soon.” 

“I am relaxed.” 

Alec let out a short chuckle, “Sure. I’m not going to force you to talk, Jace. I am honestly too tired to even try. So we can sit here and watch Netflix and eat pizza. Or if you’re too uncomfortable you don’t have to be here, I get it. I really do.” Jace could only see calm acceptance in Alec’s face, as if he were prepared for everyone to leave him. 

Is that what he thought? That they would abandon him? 

_ But isn’t that what you did already? You left him on his own because you were too selfish to see past yourself.  _ A cruel voice said in his mind. All at once an epiphany hit him. He could leave right now, walk out the door and avoid Alec for as long as he wanted and he knew that Alec would still love him, that no matter what he did he would always be welcome to sit here by Alec. Jace wouldn’t be able to save Alec from dying, but he could show Alec how much he loved him, to let Alec know that no matter what he would never be alone. Wasn’t that what Jace was always meant to be to Alec? 

“Shut up.” Jace finally said, he leaned back on the couch and stole the remote, he was always better at picking the movie. He could see Alec staring at him from the corner of his eye, and heard Alec whisper, “Thanks, Jace.” He only nodded once, too choked up to say anything else. 

Izzy bounded in and launched herself onto the couch, cuddling up to Alec. “Pizza should be here in about half an hour. Thank you Jace, for paying.”

“I never gave you my card.” 

“I stole it from your gym bag.” 

Jace could feel Alec’s body shake from laughter, as he pulled Izzy’s hair playfully. For a moment, it felt like the world was right again, and for now that had to be enough. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


One moment they were watching  _ Friends  _ and the next Jace woke to the front door closing. Alec and Izzy were asleep on the couch, Jace was sprawled uncomfortably on the love seat. Magnus walked in, stopping when he saw them. 

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

Jace stretched out, “Yeah, but that’s okay. What time is it?” 

Magnus looked at his watch, “Nearly eight. Did everything go okay today?” 

“Yeah, we just ordered a pizza, and binge watched Netflix all day.”

Magnus hummed quietly and walked over to Alec on the sofa, gently stroking the hair out of his eyes. “Did he get sick at all?” 

“Not while I was here, but he didn’t eat as much as usual.” Jace took note of every change he could find in Alec. 

“Thank you for staying with him today. I couldn’t bear the thought of him being alone all day.” 

“You don’t need to thank me. I actually didn’t want to come today at all, but Izzy convinced me. I’m glad she did.” 

Magnus chuckled quietly, not wanting to wake up Alec, “Dear Isabelle is a formidable opponent.”

Jace hesitated, not wanting to step over any boundaries, “How do you do this? I could barely look him in the eye, and yet you live here with him every single day.” 

“It’s simple, really. He’s my family, and the only future I want. This isn’t about me, I don’t care how badly it hurts for me if it means lightening this burden for him. I love him, so I stay. I want to stay.” 

“Even if we lose him in the end?” Jace’s voice shook with effort to keep his voice down. He wanted to scream and yell at the injustice of it all. 

Magnus continued to stoke Alec’s head, Alec sleepily murmured and rested his face in Magnus’s hand. For as soft as his touch was, Jace could see the rigidness in his body, his face was like stone, and there was a dangerous glint in his eyes. 

“I won’t lose Alexander.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up we take a look into Maryse's life.  
> Let me know what you think!  
> Thank you for all of the support on this story!


	14. Chapter 14

**Maryse**

  
  


There was an unspoken rule about motherhood, an indisputable fact you needed to accept before you gaze on the face of your child, and that was that your heart would never remain intact. It bursts with love, swells with pride, tears with worry, and breaks in sorrow. So many emotions you never knew existed live within your heart, pounding on its walls with a ferocity that was as violent as it was tender. Motherhood was accepting the fact that you were no longer your own person, as a part of you lives within another. It lives in those moments when peanut butter sticky fingers hold your hand in comfort, or when an angel's face smiles at you with a baby tooth grin and says “I love you.” 

It dies the moment you realize you will outlive your child. 

Maryse Trueblood did not have an overly affectionate childhood, though she did remember hugging her parents on special occasions. When she married Robert they praised her for marrying intelligently, and that always bothered her. It wasn’t until she found out about Robert’s affairs did she realize why that did. She wasn’t in love with him, and she wished someone would have warned her beforehand. Her parents knew, yet they still approved of the match. Maryse could never regret marrying Robert, she had three beautiful children with him, even if one wasn’t biologically theirs, she just always wished she loved him the way she felt she was supposed to. 

The way she loved another man before Robert. 

“Ms Trueblood? Is there anything I can get for you before I head out?” Maryse looked up to see her new assistant standing in the doorway. He was still in law school and was bright but timid. Even standing before her he fidgeted and wouldn’t make eye contact. He needed to toughen up if he was ever going to last in a courtroom. 

“No, Geoffrey, I am okay. Thank you. Have a good weekend.” She smiled slightly for his benefit, he must have been around the age of her Isabelle. 

_ I’m getting soft.  _ She had to admit that since learning of Alec’s diagnosis she had been…emotional. She got angry at a mother on the subway who was talking on her phone while her daughter was trying to show her a picture she drew in class. She cried at Macy’s when a toddler waved at her from his stroller. Hell, she cried when she passed the kids section and remembered when Alec fit into those tiny clothes. 

An understandable reaction in her mind, though the sales clerk looked at her like she was insane. 

Even now in her office, looking at the pictures she had on her desk made her tear up. Izzy holding a blue ribbon standing proudly at her science fair, Jace with a serious look the first time he put on his police uniform, and Alexander sprawled out on the living room floor surrounded by books. 

Maryse sighed and brought out her cell phone, Magnus was great at keeping her updated. She was lucky if she got a text from Alec telling her he was fine. With no texts from either of the boys, she began to feel jittery and claustrophobic in her office. She needed to go on a walk, clear her head, it didn’t matter where she went she just needed to be away. Grabbing her purse she made a quick exit, trying not to make eye contact with anyone and encourage conversation. 

The streets of New York were chaotic, with everyone trying to go home. Maryse had a lifetime of practice in these streets though, she knew how to elbow through people and make it look like an accident. 

The weather seemed to match her mood with a cloudy day and a slight chill. It made her mood worse, however when it started to rain. Hurrying, Maryse ran into the first place she saw, which ended up being a little diner called Cleo’s. It was grubby and smelled like grease, but it would be fine enough to eat at until the rain cleared. 

Sitting at a booth where the vinyl seats had seen better days, days that might have been fifty years ago, Maryse ordered a cup of tea while she looked at the menu. She couldn’t remember the last time she had a sloppy burger and salty fries, maybe that’s exactly what she needed. 

“Maryse? Maryse Trueblood?” 

She jolted her head up to see her past standing in front of her. The tall, dark, and handsome past. 

“Lucian?” She hadn’t seen him since she was twenty, when he told her he couldn’t be with her anymore. It broke her heart at the time, a pain she thought she’d never get over, but she had known worse pain since then. It was hardly anything at all to her now. 

“I haven’t seen you in years! How have you been?” He was still handsome, though he had bulked up quite a bit. God damn him he looked better now than he ever had. Maryse tried to pull herself out of her shock and gestured for him to sit down, the waitress came by with her tea and took both of their orders. Lucian eagerly gave him her order, it looked like he was going to be joining Maryse for dinner then. She tried not to notice the way the waitress smiled at him.  _ It’s been years, get over it! _

He looked at her expectantly and she realized she had never answered him. “I am doing well. I have three children, and I'm a partner at Alicante Firm as a prosecutor. Everything is going great.” Great might be a stretch, but Maryse would hardly open herself up to him. She didn’t know him anymore.

“I’m happy for you, Mar. I really am.” He smiled at her, it wasn’t the smile she always knew, the bright wide smile that made her knees weak. It was worn and tired, but content. Like the man itself she assumed. 

“What about yourself? It’s funny running into you here.” Funny was also a stretch. Truthfully, she believed fate was having fun sharpening her knives and digging into where Maryse was most vulnerable. First Robert, then Alec, and now Luke. Could she catch a fucking break? 

“Well, I come here often. My sister actually opened up this place years ago, and I’d hardly be a good brother if I didn’t come here and support her business.” 

“Cleophas? I didn’t even realize she could cook.” Maryse distinctly remembers burnt Christmas cookies every year, and politely chewing through them, thinking that an actual brick might taste better. 

Luke laughed, “Oh, she can’t, but she can hire people who do know how to cook. She was mostly in it for the hospitality part. She likes working the counter and talking to her regulars. She dropped out of Yale her third year in, I think a part of why she opened the place was as a fuck you to our parents. She ended up loving it though, and she’s been happy.” 

“What about yourself? Last I heard you got accepted into medical school. Did you also drop out to spite your parents? What career did you choose? Birthday clown?” 

“Close. Rodeo clown.” Maryse looked at him in shock until he chuckled.

“I’m kidding. I’m a neurologist now. I never really had the courage Cleo did to start a revolution.” 

_ Neurologist.  _ Suddenly Maryse hated him again, and his whole profession. People like him looked people like her son in the eyes and told them they were dying. Maryse came here to run away from her problems, but they seemed to be able to keep up with her just fine. 

“I always did like Cleophas more.” 

Luke raised an eyebrow, “Still mad at me? Come on, Mar. You know I did you a favor when we broke up, also that was years ago.”

“I’m not aware of any favors you did for me. Also, I’m not mad at you for something that happened that long ago. I moved on, I got married, I have a career I love, and children I love even more. My life ended up the way it was always meant to.” 

“You mentioned you loved your career and your family, but not your husband.”

Maryse gave Luke a frigid glare, “Cleophas never asked me questions like that.” 

“I wasn’t asking. You aren’t wearing a wedding ring, so I assume the marriage went sour?” 

“He’s dead.”

Luke had the decency to look slightly ashamed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I never actually heard who you got married to at all, after our parents got into that fight we never really got the news of the Trueblood family.”

Their parents used to be business partners when they were growing up. In what, Maryse never really understood. They seemed to have their hands into everything, and had close connections to New York’s politicians. When Luke’s father accused Maryse’s father of embezzling money from them, everything fell apart. Most importantly, her relationship with Luke. She had snuck into Luke’s room one night, and they had talked about what they would do, for them at the time breaking up was never going to be an option. It made it that much more heartbreaking when Luke left her, it was embarrassing to her that she was the one who held on so long. Maybe it would have been better if she was the one who left him, but she had always known that she could never leave him if she had a choice. 

“No, I imagine not. I married a man named Robert. He was kind enough, and my parents approved. A few years ago he was in a car accident in Vermont.” She left out the part where he was on a weekend getaway with his twenty something year old mistress. Her own children didn’t even know about the affair, and she intended to keep it that way. Robert was gone, and she would rather them keep their fond memories of him. Especially Izzy, she idolized him growing up and it would crush her to know. They were content now, and closer as a family than they had ever been before. She didn’t want to ruin that, and Alec needed their attention now more than ever.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” 

The waitress brought their food to their table, Luke had ordered a massive burger with curly fries, and Maryse a grilled chicken salad. Luke had given her a look when she ordered it, she used to be able to out eat him any day of the week. 

“You know for a doctor, I thought you’d approve of my meal choice and not clogging up my arteries.” 

“I’m a neurologist, not a cardiologist.” 

“Ah.” She simply said while pouring on her salad dressing. 

“Do you not approve of my line of work?” 

“No, you worked very hard to get there I’m sure.” 

“You seem tense when I mention it.”

“I’m fine.” She bit out. Luke leaned back at the heat in her voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you, Lucian.” 

He stared at her pensively, as if she were a puzzle he was trying to piece together. Maryse wished him luck finding all of the pieces, even she wasn’t quite sure where they lay. 

“Are you happy, Maryse?”

She jerked at the question as if it burned her. “Are you?” 

“You always did that, tried your hardest not to talk about yourself. What’s the harm in confiding in me? We may leave this place and never see each other again, and if we haven’t crossed paths in all these years, we most likely never will again.” 

For some reason that made Maryse ache inside, but it was dull compared to the other pain she carried with her. “My son has cancer. I just found out not too long ago, so if I seem a little angry with doctors, that’s why. There isn’t anything they can do for him, and it’s killing me.” 

“Maryse…” He seemed to be lost for words, staring at her with wide eyed horror. “Maybe I can pull some strings for him, or get a hold of his records and look at them myself. I’m not an oncologist but I have some experience with this.” 

“I imagine you’d have quite a bit of experience with this. It’s a brain tumor.”

Luke closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I’m so sorry.” 

Maryse shrugged, “No need to apologize.”

“If it makes you feel any better, it’s not easy for me either when I get patients like that. It’s not anything like what the family or patient go through, but believe me when I say that whoever is taking care of your son, truly cares for him as well.” 

“Not like I do. I felt him kicking inside of me, I held him in my arms, and watched him grow up to be an amazing young man. No person alive could care for him the way I do. I’ve heard of parents losing their children, and I always wondered how they could even survive after that. If the world worked the way it was supposed to, I’d never even have to know. But, I’m sure you’ve seen hundreds in the same position my son is in.” 

“Do you know what doctor he sees?” 

“No, but he goes to the Methodist Hospital out near Brooklyn.”

Luke froze and for a split second Maryse saw panic in his eyes. She knew before she even opened her mouth the answer of her question.

“Lucian, is that where you work?”

He cleared his throat a couple of times before he managed out a feeble yes. 

“I see. So I take it you just might know my son.”

“Legally, I can’t disclose that information. You should know that.” He was stalling.

“His name is Alexander Lightwood.” Maryse could see that Luke was trying so hard to keep his face impassive, but there were some things that Maryse would always know about him. The clench of his jaw and stillness in his body said everything she needed to know. 

Luke was the one who diagnosed her son.

She tried to keep the tears at bay, but the harder she tried the more they flowed down. She held her hand over her mouth to keep in her wails. 

“Maryse, whoever your son is seeing, I promise they are doing everything they can for him.” He reached out and put his hand over hers on the table. Fate had upgraded from knives to atomic bombs now it seemed. The only man she had ever truly loved gave her son his death sentence. It wasn’t his fault her son was dying, but he was easy enough to blame for now. That was how the first time in her life, Maryse got up and left Lucian Garroway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter! Now I'm sure most of you have noticed that Max Lightwood is not included in this story, and that is because a few chapters in I realized I had forgotten that character entirely. He had always been such a minor player for me, in the books and in the show. So in this story there is no Max. Sorry to all of the Max fans out there but he slipped my mind.


	15. Chapter 15

**Alec**

  
  


To say things went back to normal wouldn’t exactly be right, but it was close enough. Every morning when Magnus left for work after a quick-some not so quick-kiss, Alec would spend the day in their home office. Turns out his job really didn’t need him to be present to do ninety-five percent of what he does. Every Tuesday afternoon him and Lydia would still have lunch at Lily’s, and she was kind enough not to talk about his treatments or cancer. Wednesday’s were for the group meetings where all they would talk about was treatments and cancer. 

Sunday was apparently now reserved for family meals, Alec never even invited them over, they just showed up with carry out and crashed on their couch. Magnus, of course welcomed them in, it wasn’t that Alec didn’t want them there, and he was used to impromptu visits from Izzy and Jace, but having his mom show up unannounced was new. There was also a new dynamic within their small family unit, it was subtle but Alec noticed. Now whenever he moved he could feel them move with him, as if they were watching his every move, as if they were preparing themselves to catch him if anything were to happen. 

Magnus was the guiltiest of them all when it came to hovering. He checked in multiple times a day, and called him if he took too long to text back. He also wrote down all of Alec’s symptoms daily in that goddamn binder that he carried around like a bible. The other day Alec accidentally knocked over Magnus’s innumerable hygiene products in the shower and he came bursting into the bathroom and into the shower stall, fully clothed, to make sure Alec didn’t hurt himself. It took much longer than Alec felt necessary to calm Magnus down and reassure him he did not need an ambulance ride to the hospital. 

Alec was going crazy. It was like no one trusted him to be able to take care of himself anymore, he wasn’t invalid, not yet anyway. He didn’t want to be angry at Magnus, he knew that if it were Magnus that was sick Alec would be acting the same way, but it was hard to remember sometimes that Magnus was taking this just as hard as he was.

  
  


Hearing his phone buzz, Alec pulled himself away from his desk and saw another text from Magnus.  _ How are you feeling, darling?  _

_ Frustrated, annoyed, irritated.  _ He sent a quick message back saying he was fine and then pulled up another number to text. 

_ Still up for those drinks you owe me? _

  
  
  
  
  


Andrew was already waiting for him at Hunter’s Moon when Alec got there, he seemed dejected, his shoulders stooped low and bags under his eyes. He was wearing a beanie today, so at first glance you would never know. Alec patted his shoulder as he sat down and Andrew gave him a forced smile.

“I hope you don’t mind that I started without you.”

“Not at all, I just needed to get out of the house today.” Alec got the bartender's attention and ordered a beer, Magnus would have his head later but it was worth it. Andrew didn’t say anything, he just stared at his glass.

“You okay?” 

Andrew took a deep breath, “Lorenzo and I had a fight last night. He cancelled on me again. Well, actually he didn’t cancel on me, he stood me up. He didn’t even have the decency to call me and let me know that he wouldn’t be home. So I sat around like an idiot trying to get a hold of him. He got home from the restaurant around midnight and he was upset that I was still awake, that I should be resting. Then I just started to yell at him, I don’t even remember everything I said to him, but he swore that he told me. I’m so tired of fighting with him.” He started to fidget with his wedding ring, moving it around his finger as if it weighed heavy on his hand. 

“Have you thought of couple’s counseling?” At one point Jace and Clary had to have a few sessions, their pigheaded personalities getting the best of them, but they overcame that and they have never been better. 

“I can’t even get Lorenzo to come home at a decent time, I doubt I’d be able to get him into a counselor’s office.” 

“If he sees how much it means to you it might.” He meant the words to be encouraging, but they only seemed to enrage Andrew.

His face turned an alarming shade of red, “I shouldn’t have to tell him how to treat me! I shouldn’t have to sit down with him and tell him that our relationship means a lot to me, because he should be just as concerned about it as I am. Sure, he’s great at remembering my prescription refills, and he never minds holding my bucket when I’m sick, but I need more.”

As quickly as the anger came it left, “I can’t keep fighting for my marriage, I’m already fighting for my life.” 

Alec was stunned, “You’ve never mentioned this in the group meetings.”

“Look, I don’t care who knows about my impending demise, but to admit that my marriage is failing…” Andrew shook his head, choked up. 

Alec nodded his head, trying to think of what to say. He had never really had anything like that happen to him before. There had been petty jealousy, Magnus was very  _ experienced,  _ and there had been snide comments, but there was never anything so major that it threatened their life together. Alec had always considered themselves lucky, but now he wondered if they just hadn’t faced something bigger than they could handle before. Looking at Andrew, he wondered if he were looking at his future.

“So leave him.” 

Andrew gaped at him in horror, “ _ What? No!” _

Alec shrugged, “Why not? You said to me once that our lives are too short to stick around with someone who doesn’t love us. So if you really believe that your marriage is too far gone to save, why are you sticking around?”

  
  


“Lorenzo loves me, in his own way-” He sputtered. 

“You also said you shouldn’t have to tell him how to treat you.” 

“I just want to feel close to him again! Even at night when we go to bed it feels like there is a wall between us. We don’t even kiss anymore, or hold hands. It feels like I am living with a roommate and not my husband.” 

“Have you told him that?”

Andrew shook his head, “I know he has a lot on his plate, and I don’t want him to feel like he’s failing me.” 

“Isn’t he though? Maybe not intentionally, but there are needs that you have that he is not fulfilling. I can’t tell you what to do, but I know that if it were me in his position, I would want Magnus to tell me if he needs something from me. Isn’t that what it’s about having a partner?” 

A lightbulb rang above Alec’s head, and while he didn’t rejoice in Andrew’s pain, it did give him a lot to think about in his own personal life. While he was sitting at home annoyed with Magnus’s hovering, Andrew was practically begging for attention from his husband. Alec didn’t appreciate all of Magnus’s scrutiny, but he knows that it all came from love, and he would much rather be fighting off his over protectiveness than his indifference. If he was being honest with himself, he could admit that a small part of him enjoyed it, of being loved that much by someone. As if Magnus could sense Alec’s thoughts, his phone buzzed with a message from him.

_ I can’t wait to see you tonight. <3 _

Alec smiled at the little heart he sent.

_ Can’t wait either. I miss you.  _

Looking up he saw Andrew watching him with a knowing smile. 

“Magnus?” 

Alec’s face heated up, “Yes.” Alec loved to talk about Magnus, but not in any deep way. He loved bragging about his successes, and retelling funny stories, but to sit down and talk about just how much he loved Magnus wasn’t something Alec did well, sometimes even telling Magnus was a struggle. 

  
  


_ “I love you, Alexander.” It was the first time those words had ever been said to each other, and Magnus gazed at him with a wistful smile on his face. Alec was sure his face wasn’t nearly as beautiful, instead it probably looked like he was about to be sick.  _

_ “I lo- I feel the same.” Idiot! _

_ Magnus only chuckled and held Alec’s hand tighter, “Don’t worry darling, I know. You tell me every day in your own way.” _

  
  


Alec had gotten better at it, sometimes when he was feeling bold he bordered on sappy, but anyway he told Magnus he seemed to understand Alec perfectly. 

“Back to Lorenzo though,” Alec started again, Andrew rolled his eyes. 

“I’ll talk to him tonight if he deems me important enough to sit down with me.” he spat out bitterly. “Enough of this though, I owe you drinks so let’s drink.” Andrew held out his glass and clinked Alec’s with it. Alec took a sip of his drink and made a silent vow to make sure Andrew and Lorenzo had their happy ending.

  
  
  
  
  


The stumble into the apartment was probably not the best way to reassure Magnus, and the slur and glazed over eyes might actually give him a stroke. Alec was determined though to act as natural as possible, and he thought he was pulling it off pretty well.

“Alexander? Are you drunk right now?” So maybe his acting could use some work. 

“Magnus! You’re home!” Alec floundered his way to the couch where Magnus was watching TV, Magnus frowned at him. 

“When you said you were out with Andrew I didn’t realize you’d be out drinking. Sit down and let me get you some water.” Magnus got up and to Alec’s delight saw he was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and black sleeveless shirt. His hair was damp from his shower and his face makeup free. 

“God, you’re gorgeous. How’d you get so damn beautiful?” Alec lazily propped his head up on his hand, watching as Magnus filled a glass up from the sink, walking back to the couch Magnus seemed to be evaluating him.

“Was everything okay today? You’re not usually a drinker.” Alec pulled down Magnus on top of him after setting the water aside, and Magnus let out a startled laugh. Alec sloppily kissed him on the cheek.

“Andrew owed me drinks. We had a contest on who was worse at sex and I won. The coming out to Lydia story is sure to beat anyone.”

“Mm-hmm. Well, I’m glad you had fun today but are sure you should be drinking?” Magnus’s eyebrows crinkled with worry. A rush of affection filled Alec.

“Thank you. For caring about me. I know I can be a difficult patient, but thank you. I love you.”

Magnus looked touched, and a tinge of pink appeared on the tips of his ears.  _ He just keeps raising the bar on being adorable. _

“I love  _ you!”  _ Alec started to sing out, and Magnus put his hand over his mouth and shushed him, though he looked pleased. 

“Oh Alexander, what am I going to do with you?” 

“Just love me.” Alec sighed out, exhaustion from the day starting to take its toll. He leaned his head back and pulled Magnus closer to him.

Magnus’s eyes looked glassy as he replied, “I always will,”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your support on this story! It makes it that much more fun writing it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Lorenzo**

  
  


“Would you mind passing me the juice, Andrew?” 

Andrew pretended not to hear him, munching on his eggs Benedict while reading the newspaper. Lorenzo sighed, he had hoped that after the other night the tension between them would ease away. He had even woken up early this morning to make them breakfast as an apology. He knew he had messed up the other night, but he could’ve swore that he had told Andrew that he was planning on working late. He had completely forgotten their plans, and while it was no excuse, couldn’t Andrew see how hard he was working for him? The more he worked, the more catering jobs he took, the more money he could bring in for treatments. There was a specialist in Atlanta he wanted to take Andrew to, but she wasn’t cheap. 

“Andrew, I understand that you’re mad at me, but could you please talk to me?”

“Oh, you want to talk now? Great, let’s talk. I’m dying to, literally dying.” 

Lorenzo flinched, his body starting to heat up in anger, “Stop that. You know I hate it when you joke about that.”

“It’s the truth though, and denying it doesn’t help either of us. You know the doctor told us there isn’t anything they can do. You know we are just waiting until the end.”

Lorenzo shook his head, “No, there is a specialist in Atlanta we can go to. Get a second opinion.”

“Then what happens? When she says I’m dying what will we do?”

_ We go to any hospital that might have an answer for us.  _ Lorenzo didn’t say that though, he knew that it was far-fetched, even for him. He couldn’t help it, what was wrong with wanting to be thorough? It would destroy him to find out later that they could have been doing something to help Andrew, that there was a stone unturned that would uncover their cure. 

Andrew chewed on his lip and rushed out the words, “I think we should go to a counselor.” 

Lorenzo raised his eyebrows, “A counselor? You think you need a therapist? Are those group meetings not helping?” Of course, Andrew needed individualized sessions, that made sense. That group was probably all about accepting their lot in life, as if that was a normal thing to do. Andrew needed someone to help him keep fighting. 

“No, Lorenzo.  _ We _ need a therapist. Like, couple’s counseling. For our relationship.”

  
  


“What’s wrong with our relationship?” Lorenzo exclaimed incredulously. 

Andrew seemed to sink in on himself, as if deflating against the pressure. “What we have between us right now is okay for you? It’s okay for you that we don’t kiss anymore? Or go on dates? Or that the last time we had sex was Christmas? You think it’s okay that we can’t even talk anymore?” 

  
  


Lorenzo thought that over, surely the last time they were intimate wasn’t that long ago. They kissed all the time, didn’t they? He tried to remember the last time they held each other but came up empty. They cuddled at night, he was always waking up with Andrews limbs tangled in his own. Though, come to think of it, his arms had been painfully empty in the morning for quite some time. Why hadn’t he noticed that? 

  
  


Andrew gave a sad shake of his head, “Oh Lorenzo, we have bigger problems than I thought.” 

  
  
  
  
  


Lorenzo felt itchy all over, like there was a spot that he couldn’t quite scratch, and it had everything to do with his conversation with Andrew. They didn’t need a counselor, they were just going through a dry spell. Every couple had one, it didn’t mean they weren’t in love or they meant less to each other. On the contrary, he still loved Andrew with every fiber of his being, that had never wavered. 

When it came to sex though, Lorenzo was terrified. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if he accidentally hurt him. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to, there had been many nights where he had just stared at Andrew, his body burning with lust. He didn’t want to push him though, or ask for more than Andrew was able to give. Andrew had always been a gracious and selfless lover, and he had never wanted him to feel guilty about not feeling up for it, or wanting to stop. Andrew walking into his life had been a gift, and he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. 

As if their fight this morning wasn’t bad enough, he couldn’t go home tonight to discuss more with Andrew, he was catering a wedding tonight. He was usually always pleased to make a few thousand dollars in one night, but tonight it was a burden. He wanted to be at home, to prove to Andrew that their relationship wasn’t over, that it was still thriving. How could it not be thriving? In Lorenzo’s mind, Andrew was perfect for him in every way. How could a love like that ever cool? 

To make matters worse, Magnus Bane was running this damn wedding. God, he was such an asshole. He hoped that Magnus wouldn’t want to sit down and bond over their shared experiences. Alec was a fine enough person, Andrew liked him immensely, but Lorenzo could only tolerate so much from the Bane household. Lorenzo watched him from across the room, he was talking to the bride’s mother, she threw her head back and laughed and touched his arm. How anyone thought Magnus’s bullshit was charming Lorenzo would never know.

  
  


He wasn’t sure how their...feud started but he couldn’t remember a time he did not despise Magnus Bane. The redhead that he worked with wasn’t horrible, a little entitled but not nearly as irritating as Magnus. Lorenzo never understood the point of large lavish weddings, it seemed like a waste of time and energy. Then again, the clients expensive tastes benefited his business, so who was he to complain. His own wedding with Andrew was at the courthouse, just the two of them. It was perfect. Though if Andrew had really pushed for a large wedding Lorenzo would have found a way to deal with that, but Andrew seemed happy just to be with him, to share that moment together. The memory of it hurt, badly. They were so happy, and now Andrew was falling out of love with him. Needing space, Lorenzo walked away from the buffet and told his line cook he was going to the restroom. 

  
  


The bathroom was empty when he walked in, and he found a stall to lock himself in. He tried to hold in his gasping breaths. What if Andrew asked for a divorce? How many ways had he disappointed him? How long had he been thinking they were no longer compatible? 

He heard someone walk in and Lorenzo stilled. He heard Magnus Bane’s voice float through the air. “Darling? Did you get sick again? I can be home in half an hour if you need me to come home.” Ah, Alec must have had an infusion recently, Andrew was always sick as a dog when he got home from them. He couldn’t hear Alec’s reply but Magnus responded with, “Don’t be stubborn. Call your mother, I know she’s free tonight because she asked me if I wanted her to watch you while I was at work.” 

  
  


A long pause, “Maybe those weren’t the right words. I know you can take care of yourself, darling. I just want to make sure you aren’t stuck home alone going crazy. I don’t want you to feel abandoned. I’m here for your every need. Yes, of course. If you say so. I love you more. Goodbye, dearest.” Lorenzo heard Magnus sigh. 

  
  


“Okay, Lorenzo. You can stop eavesdropping and come out.” 

  
  


Bastard. He couldn’t even let a man wallow with his dignity. Still, he walked out and faced Bane. He hoped he looked more confident than he felt.

  
  


“Hello, Magnus. Alec not feeling well?” He tried to sound concerned but Magnus still bristled.

  
  


“Alexander is feeling under the weather, yes. What concern is it of yours?” 

  
  


“Calm down, Bane. I’m not trying to goad you into anything. I know that whenever Andrew finishes a transfusion he doesn’t even get out of bed.”

  
  


Magnus seemed to relax a bit, “I’m sorry to hear about Andrew. Him and Alec seem to be getting along great. I haven’t met him yet but Alec only says good things.”

  
  


Of course, who would ever have anything bad to say about Andrew? He had a certain blunt charm and easy going laugh that was infectious. Lorenzo thanked every Saint that he was allowed to be his husband. Yet, he was ruining it. Somehow. Lorenzo wasn’t even sure how. 

  
  


“Likewise. Are you planning on leaving soon?”  _ Please leave. I can only bear you for so long. _

  
  


“Right after the cake is cut. I don’t like for Alec to be left home alone for too long. You know how that goes. Alec finds it annoying, I’m sure Andrew does too if he’s anything like my love.”

  
  


“I don’t know what you mean, I work very long hours and hardly ever have time to be home.” 

  
  


Magnus gave him an odd look, almost like pity. “What about Andrew? He doesn’t mind?”

  
  


Now it was Lorenzo’s turn to be defensive, “Our relationship is fine.” 

  
  


Magnus just shrugged, “Every relationship is different I guess.” Magnus suddenly turned very serious, and Lorenzo was sure he wouldn’t like what he was going to say.

“How do you do it? I can’t stand it, being away from him. I never enjoyed it before the cancer, but I could rationalize it. Understand that we both have lives away from each other. Now it’s like if I’m not with him everything is going to fall apart. If he doesn’t make it-” Mangus shuddered, and took a deep breath, “If Alec...leaves me, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life knowing I missed out on time with him. Does it get easier?” 

  
  


Lorenzo felt like he couldn’t breathe, he had never thought of it like that. He had never allowed himself to think that one day Andrew would be gone, he was always so sure that they would make it, and that every sacrifice he made would be worth it. A part of him, a selfish part that he wished he could eradicate, spent all his time at work because he couldn’t watch Andrew die. He couldn’t watch the healthy man he knew and loved slowly sink into nothing. There wasn’t a world or a time where Lorenzo thought that he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life with Andrew. What if Andrew died? Was this how he wanted to remember him? Alone and frustrated? If he did die all of his work would be for nothing, and the sacrifice he made would be much larger than he was willing to pay. 

“No.” He finally responded. “It never gets easier.” 

  
  
  
  
  


It was late by the time Lorenzo got home, finding a florist open this late at night was a lot harder to find than he had thought. He had chosen a bouquet of calla lily and lavender, a sweet but simple bundle. Just like Andrew. The apartment was dark and quiet, and he knew Andrew was asleep. He quietly marched his way into their bedroom, and saw Andrew bundled in a mound of blankets, chemotherapy had frequently made him chilly, his smooth head peeking out of the cocoon. He slowly drew the blanket down and took a long look at his husband, something he had not done in a while. 

  
  


The purple underneath his eyes seemed far more prominent, Lorenzo ached with guilt at the thought of the stress he put Andrew through. His lips were slightly chapped but still the same full shape that never failed to stir him. He knew that if Andrew opened his eyes, they would still be the same shade of brown that reminded him of chocolate. When did he stop looking at Andrew like this? Why did he ever stop cataloging every detail to make up the most important face in his life? 

  
  


He bent down and kissed his forehead, and Andrew stirred awake. “Lorenzo? What are you doing?” 

  
  


Lorenzo pulled out the bouquet from behind his back, Andrew’s eyes went wide with surprise. A liquid honey warmth went through his veins, he had forgotten the joy of shocking him. “I wanted to apologize. You’re right, I haven’t been there for you the way I should have. I want to though, if you will still let me. I’ll go to a counselor if that is what it takes. I’ll cut back on my hours. I want to be your husband again.”

  
  


Andrew didn’t seem to know what to say, his mouth opening and closing like an adorable fish. When words seemed to fail him he reached up and gave a quick taste of a kiss on Lorenzo’s lips. That just wouldn’t do. Lorenzo pulled him tighter against him and deepened the kiss. Good lord how had he gone so long without this? It was beautiful. Andrew let out a raspy moan and then pulled away in embarrassment. 

  
  


There wasn’t any embarrassment in Lorenzo though, all he could think about was Andrew, and how much he missed his delightful body working against his own. “Oh, Andrew, the things I want to do to you. Is this okay? We don’t have to do anything tonight, but I want to.” 

  
  


“Yes, oh Lorenzo, please yes!” 

  
  


They had a lot to talk about still, breaks in their hearts that needed to be repaired, but that could wait until tomorrow. Tonight, Lorenzo planned to show Andrew exactly how much he missed him, and hopefully he’d be sore enough to know throughout the next few days on how much Andrew missed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some fluff and nice feelings before I bring out the angst again. :) Lorenzo and Andrew was a couple I wished we got to see more of on the show, that one wedding scene was just not enough.


	17. Chapter 17

Alec woke up with a very warm body pressed against his and lips traveling down his neck, he had woken up this way many times before but it never failed to stir him. He let out a sigh of pure bliss and arched his neck, enjoying Magnus’s attention. “Good morning, darling.”  _ Darling.  _ He had never been a fan of pet names until Magnus came along, but Darling suited him just fine.

“Good morning.” He rasped out. He gave a quick glance at the clock and raised his eyebrow. “You’re going to be late if you don’t get a move on.” Magnus spent a solid hour on his hair and makeup alone in the morning. 

Magnus smirked, “I could play hooky again. It would be unfair of me to leave you to keep this bed warm by yourself.” 

“Absolutely not. Also, I have work to do myself so I’d appreciate it if you weren’t around distracting me.”

Magnus’s smirk turned absolutely feral, “Distract you how?” He pulled himself up and straddled his hips, “Like this?” He slowly dragged his hands under Alec shirt’s stroking his way up to Alec’s chest, “Or like this?” 

Laughing Alec threw Magnus off of him and pinned him to the bed, “Most definitely like that.” 

Magnus chuckled and then gave his signature pout, “I can’t help it, Alexander. I miss you during the day.” 

“How about I come over this afternoon and we can have lunch together?”

“A wonderful idea! That should certainly keep me motivated.” Magnus gave him a quick kiss and then got up to get ready, his hips swaying purposefully. 

_ You devil.  _ Alec thought fondly. 

Since he was running late, Magnus wasn’t able to do much for his makeup, leaving his face far more minimalist than his usual look. His hair was in a more casual swept away rather than the severe mohawk he strived for. He looked incredible. Even more amazing, he had decided to forgo his rings, except for his engagement ring. The amethyst stone sparkling on his bare hand. Alec felt a rush of pride, he had never been great at picking out what to get for Magnus. There had been several birthdays and holidays where Magnus wore a pained smile at a sweater or tie Alec had chosen for him, and he had politely but quickly returned the items and exchanged them for what he was really wanting. Yet Magnus seemed to love his ring, staring at it with a dazed smile when he thought Alec wasn’t watching. 

“I will see you later for lunch, my love. I have a meeting with a venue owner at eleven but I’ll call you afterwards so we can meet up. Have a good day.” After a quick kiss Magnus was out the door, leaving a trail of cologne and glitter. 

Alec sighed and stretched out his body, the need to get to work and the urge to stay in bed fighting. As a happy medium, he decided to start out by taking a shower, hoping the water would jolt him awake. Hopping out of bed, Alec felt a tingle beneath his skin, an overwhelming happiness that had settled in his bones, regardless of his current situation. He had new friends, a beautiful partner, his family was closer now than they ever had been. It was like the pieces of his old shattered life had fallen into a new order, it was messier and a little jagged, but whole. 

The hot water was heaven against his skin, he let himself soak in the steam before grabbing his shampoo and working it into his hair. Scrubbing it in, Alec realized that it didn’t quite feel right. He looked at his hands and to his horror, he was holding chunks of his hair. His chest caved in and the breath was stolen from his lungs. He knew this was going to happen, had seen the smooth scalps of his friends, but for some reason it didn’t feel real. He quickly rinsed out his shampoo and got out of the shower. Wiping away the condensation on the mirror he looked at himself. Was it obvious yet? 

He ran his hands through his hair again, looking for any bald spots. It was definitely far more thin than he had realized. On the side of his temple you could see the hairline falling back, you might not be able to notice if you weren’t looking closely but it was all Alec saw. He bit his lip to hold and tried to hold back his tears. It was really happening. 

Alec felt almost numb, and he realized what he had to do. He was going to face this head on, and go all in. He couldn’t control that he was losing his hair, but he could control how. He knew Magnus kept a set of clippers on hand, and he rummaged through the drawers until he found them. He flipped the switch and it pulsed to life in his hands. He took a deep breath and aimed them at his scalp, but for some reason he couldn’t make himself do it. He slumped in defeat. This wasn’t even the hardest thing he had done, and yet it felt impossible. Alec groaned even as he dialled Simon’s number, realizing that he needed his help.

  
  
  


After several energetic knocks on his door, Alec opened it up to see Simon with his dorky grin and even dorkier shirt. Today it was a plain gray T-shirt with the NASA logo. “Hey, Alec. I came as quickly as I could. What’s up?” He was an okay guy, Alec relented. 

“I need you to shave my head.” 

Simon’s mouth popped open, his eyes wide. “Um, seriously?” 

Alec reached up and pulled a chunk of his hair out. “It’s coming out, and I want it gone.”

Simon’s face morphed into calm understanding, “Righteous. Let’s do this.” Now it was Alec’s turn to be shocked. 

“You’ll do it?” 

He shrugged, “Yeah. It makes sense to me. You’re right, it is falling out. No reason to wait it out.” Simon took off his jacket and set it on the couch, when he looked back at Alec, there wasn’t any pity or sympathy. Just that calm, dorky grin. It was exactly what Alec needed. He figured that’s just how Simon was, an infinitely patient and roll with punches kind of guy. For a moment Alec envied him. 

“Let’s get crack-a-lackin.” Moment gone. He was still an annoying dweeb, but useful one though. 

Alec led him to the bathroom and handed Simon the clippers. He sat down on the stool he had set out before Simon’s arrival, he had positioned it away from the mirror. He didn’t want to watch this. 

“If you don’t want this, let me know now.” The buzz of the clippers was far too loud, in Alec’s opinion. 

“Just do it.” 

Alec felt the first swipe of the blade on the back of his head, and tears sprang to his eyes. It was just hair, it would grow back, but it felt like so much more. People would know now when they looked at him that he was sick. They would stare at him, and thanked God that it wasn’t them that was going through that. Alec used to be like that too. Prayers could only do so much for a person though.

Simon seemed to notice Alec’s silent struggle and quietly said, “It’s okay to cry. I won’t tell anyone.” With that Alec let the tears fall, grabbing onto Simon’s hand for support while he cut his hair. No matter how tightly he held on Simon never complained, and he never let go. 

Simon finished quickly, and then handed Alec a handheld mirror. With a small smile, he said “You still look like you.” 

Looking into the mirror, Simon was only partly right. His eyes were swollen and red from crying, his cheeks pasty. However, not having any hair didn’t feel as strange as he thought it would. There was still the barest hint of fuzz on his scalp, the chemo would take care of the rest of it. He didn’t look sick though, he just looked...different. Vaguely he wondered what his family would think. Jace might make some crude joke, and Izzy would dramatically claim it didn’t suit him. Magnus might… oh shit. Mangus. The shock of this might send Magnus spiralling into a state of frenzy the likes of this world has never seen. For some reason, that made Alec crack a smile. Then laughter poured out of him, he doubled over, and held his stomach. Looking up he saw Simon laughing too. 

“I look ridiculous!” 

“Hey! I think I did a pretty decent job. Maybe if this counseling thing doesn’t work out I might take a shot at being a barber.” 

“You could call this the ‘Cancer Cut’” 

“The ‘Chemo Coiffure’” Alec started to double over again, he couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed this hard. He reached over a patted Simon’s shoulder. 

“You’re alright, I guess.” Alec wouldn’t admit that today Simon had placed himself into a near and dear part of his heart. 

  
  
  
  


**Magnus**

  
  
  
  


Magnus was practically vibrating with anticipation, he had been floating all day through his meetings. He couldn’t wait to see Alec, and it had only been four and a half hours. Unfortunately, he had important things to do today, and his daydreams of Alec were distracting. Meeting up with the event planner at Gotham Hall took up a good portion of his day, and then he had to meet up with Vera Wang to discuss a custom gown that wasn’t sitting well with his client. Personally, Magnus thought the gown to be stunning, but the bride wanted it to be more of a Cinderella ball gown. She was going to look ridiculous, but far be it from Magnus to tell her that. 

Finally, it was time for his lunch hour. He usually worked through his lunches, but for Alec an exception would always be made. They had made plans earlier to meet up at a French bistro near Magnus’s office, and Magnus practically jogged there in his eagerness to see Alec. They didn’t do lunch dates often, both of them always so busy to set aside the time. 

He made it to the bistro a few minutes late, but he knew Alec would forgive him. Looking around he couldn’t make out Alec’s dark hair and broad shoulders. Was he running late as well? He was about to call him when he heard his name being called. In the back corner he saw Alec in a thick sweater and stocking cap. An unusual choice in attire for Alec, he was never one to wear hats. However, with his chemo he had been feeling far more chilly than usual. The air had a bite to it being that it was early fall, Magnus guessed he was just a little bit more cold. It was one secret blessing, Magnus thought privately, he adored the way Alec cuddled close to him at night, trying to keep himself warm with Magnus’s body heat. 

He made his way over to Alec and kissed him before sitting down. “Hello, darling. Seeing you is the highlight of my day.” 

Alec grinned, “I’m glad I could make your day better.” 

Magnus smiled back and then looked down at their menu, trying to decide between blackened chicken or the roasted duck. Alec cleared his throat, catching Magnus’s attention. Looking up, he saw Alec try to say something, but then backed down. Alarm bells went off in his head. He knew Alec didn’t have any doctor appointments today, and he wasn’t aware of any additional tests or scans they had done. 

“Darling? What happened?” 

“So, I did something today. But I don’t want you to freak out.” 

_ I’m going to freak out.  _ Did Alec even know him? “I can’t promise that.” 

Alec rolled his eyes, “It’s not a big deal.” 

“Why don’t you let me decide.” It was a clear warning and they both knew it. 

They were interrupted by the waitress, as she prattled on about the specials Magnus watched Alec, silently telling him this conversation was far from over. To get her to go away quickly he ordered two waters for the both of them and the first thing he saw on the menu. Alec just ordered a salad. As if sensing she was unwanted she scurried away. 

Turning back to Alec he saw him reach for his cap, Magnus knew immediately what was happening. He couldn’t stop the small “ _ Oh.”  _ that left his lips. That dark, thick hair that Magnus loved was gone. It was a strange sight to see, his Alec with no hair. He was still ungodly handsome, nothing could change that, but it was strange.

“When I was in the shower it started to fall off in clumps, so I decided to just take it all off. Is this okay?” Magnus realized with a dull sense of shock that Alec was insecure. He knew that Alec had insecurities, but not about his appearance. If Magnus took out all of the mirrors in their home Alec probably wouldn’t know. Seeing Alec brace himself as if for disdain made him ache. Alec could never be unattractive to him, even if he tried. 

“Of course it’s okay, darling. We knew that you wouldn’t keep your hair, and honestly this might be a good thing. We can save money on shampoo now.” 

Alec snorted, “Just leaves more money for your hair products.” 

Magnus nodded stoically, “I appreciate your sacrifice.” Alec cracked a grin, then reached over to hold his hand. 

“I look weird.” 

“Oh, hush. There isn’t much you can do to diminish your handsomeness, you might have to resign yourself to the fact that you are hopelessly beautiful. Poor thing.” 

Alec rolled his eyes and threw a breadstick at his face, “Suck up.” 

“Sucking, you say? I do know quite a bit about that.” 

Alec’s face turned a glorious shade of scarlet, and tried to ignore him by staring down at the tablecloth. Taking pity on Alec, he settled down. 

“I mean it, you are still beautiful. It will take some getting used to, but I think I can appreciate the view with no effort.” 

The shy grin that lit up Alec’s face was a sight to see, and once again Magnus marveled at the fact that this man was his. It didn’t seem real, he was too perfect. What Magnus did to deserve his place by Alec, he would never know. He wouldn’t ever question it though, he didn’t want karma to get any ideas about coming in between them. She had already done a doozy of a job trying. Magnus knew better though, he was made for Alec, and there would never be another for him.

If Alec left, he would just have to take Magnus with him.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to not make this chapter so sad.  
> However, I am in the mood to read sad things, so if anyone has any good angsty stories I would love to hear them!
> 
> Thank you for your continued support!


	18. Chapter 18

**Maryse**

  
  


_ Just to warn you, Alexander no longer has hair. He is very sensitive about this so please act natural the next time you see him.  _

Maryse had been staring at the text from Magnus for several minutes, debating on what to reply with, or if she even should. He had sent it in a group chat with Izzy and Jace, and there had been no answer from either of them yet. She settled on a simple ‘Thank you.’ and put her phone away. Turning back to her case file she was surprised to find that the words were blurred, the tears pooling in her eyes obstructing her view. 

Alec not having hair did not matter much to her, nor did she imagine Alec cared much about how he looked. It wasn’t vanity that upset her, it was the tangible proof that her son was sick. For a while she was able to look at him and pretend that she would watch her son grow older, become a husband to his Magnus, and perhaps one day become a father. She no longer had that luxury, but in a twisted way she did not wish for luxury. She wished to suffer alongside her son, to suffer more if possible. To take his pain and absorb it within herself, to spare him. 

A martyr and a mother live very similar lives. 

“Ms Trueblood, there is a man here saying he has an appointment with you but I don’t see him on your schedule.” She heard Geoffrey say over the intercom on her desk. Maryse frowned, had she forgotten to write someone down? She grabbed her schedule and looked it over, but she could not recall a meeting. 

She reached over and pressed the button, “Who is it?” 

“Dr. Lucian Garroway.”

_ Luke?  _ What did that bastard even want? Maryse scowled at the intercom, as if glaring hard enough could make Luke feel her wrath and leave. 

“He must be mistaken. I know of no one by that name.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

Maryse sat back in her chair and crossed her arms, that might have been underhanded but she did not feel strong enough yet to face him. 

“Hey! You can’t go in there!” The door to her office flew open and Luke stalked in, Geoffrey close behind.

“Maryse just listen to me for ten minutes and I swear I will never bother you again.” His gaze was intent, and for a moment it made her feel like that young woman who had felt butterflies when he walked into the room. 

“I’m calling security.” Maryse had to respect the weakling, perhaps one day he would grow a spine and become a wonderful lawyer.

“Geoffrey, wait. Dr. Garroway may stay, and if he does not leave in ten minutes, go ahead and call security. For now though, please close the door behind you.” Geoffrey looked at her dubiously but nodded, closing the door on his way out. 

Luke sat down in the chair in front of her desk, where several clients had sat before, pleading their case and begging for her to help them clear their names in front of a jury and judge. This felt no different. 

“You have nine minutes and thirty seconds. Make this quick.”

“Are you honestly timing me, Mar?” The nickname made her bristle.

She glared, “Nine minutes and twenty seconds.”

“Look, I’m sorry. For it all. For what happened decades ago and for what happened months ago. You know that I would never purposely hurt you or your son. I swear I am doing everything I can for him. I have been sending his file all across the country, trying to find a surgeon who will operate on him. I really think it can be removed, but it’s going to need a very skilled surgeon with steady hands, and a shitload of waivers that they won’t be sued if they can’t do it successfully. I’ve been monitoring Alec’s case closely, and he seems to be responding well to the chemotherapy, and I really think that if we can slow the growth or even shrink it, he could be approved for surgery. You know how hospitals cover their ass, and right now he is a high risk patient, but we might be able to slip him through.” 

Maryse looked out the window, trying hard not to be swayed by his handsome face and kind eyes. This was all good news, but it was a lot of if and maybe. She needed certainty, something to depend on.

“Isn’t it illegal for you to share this information with me? HIPAA and all that. I’m sure Alec can stir up quite the fuss if he found out you were here.” 

“Yes. I could get in a lot of trouble for being here. Could probably even lose my job.”

“Then why even tell me this?”

Luke sighed, “I don’t even know. This is personal now.” 

Maryse looked back at him, his hands were clasped loosely together in front of him, elbows leaning on his knees, and he was staring at the photos on her desk. Specifically the one of Alec, relaxed on the floor while reading. It must be odd, to see what patients were like when they weren’t fighting for their life. 

Giving him a little piece of herself wouldn’t hurt now, would it? She had already lost so much, she doubted she had much of herself to lose. 

“He was seventeen in that picture. There was a party happening that night, and Izzy and Jace had tried to convince him to go with them, but he was never one to go out much. So him and I ordered a pizza and read our favorite passages from books we were reading. It was the most fun we had together in a long time. I was just starting out as partner here and I wasn’t able to spend a lot of time with them.” Maryse frowned, “I regret that now.” 

Luke smiled her, “I’m sure you were there for them in all the ways that were important. Alec is a wonderful man, and though I haven’t met your other children, I know they must be special too.”

It was too personal now, he looked at her with warm familiarity. She couldn’t remember the last time he looked at her with glowing adoration, but she could remember the last time he looked down on her with pity and rejection. The night they broke up she had snuck into his house, determined to find out why he had been ignoring her for the last several days. 

  
  


_ Maryse stood beneath the large sycamore tree outside Luke’s house, it sat right near the hallway window, she knew from experience it was approximately ten steps to the right and she would be in Luke’s bedroom. She had made the climb to his room several times before, and sneaking out early the next morning, but she stood frozen at the bottom of this tree, afraid to confront Luke. She could see the writing on the wall, knew that he was pulling away from her, something he had never done before.  _

_ Luke was the one to pursue her, the one to make her fall in love with him. They bonded over music bands and novels. Shared secrets over milkshakes at the diner and kisses at the drive in movie theater. He hated extra butter on his popcorn but always made sure the kernels were glistening in it to make her happy. He would sit on the couch and listen attentively as she ranted over debutantes and their stuffy mothers. He would hold her tightly when she felt crushed under the pressure from her parents, and made her feel like he would always love her as she was, not as what she could be.  _

_ Now her phone calls would go unanswered, and she was turned away at the door by their maid. By god, she would not be left like this! If he was going to leave her he would have to be man enough to look her in her eyes and let her down. She would no longer tolerate being loved by half measures, and being praised with conditions attached. Her fury settled under her skin, finding shelter in her tissue. She embraced the warmth of it, using it as her armor.  _

_ Taking a deep breath she began to climb, the bark rough and painful underneath her palms. She pushed herself onto the branch near the window and reached for the handle and quietly lifted it open. She was grateful the window wasn’t locked, and surprised that Luke hadn’t thought of her breaking into his house to speak with him. She giggled softly and wondered how her sanity had snapped like this for breaking and entering to be a normal occurrence for her.  _

_ As she walked down the hallway she could see light peeking out under the door to Luke’s room. She lightly knocked on his door and waited, reaching for the anger she felt earlier to save her. She was beginning to lose her courage. Luke opened the door, “Cleo, I said I’m fi-” he stopped as he saw it was his forgotten girlfriend instead of his sister. “Mar? What the hell are you doing here?” Looking out into the hallway to make sure she hadn’t been caught he pulled her into his room and shut the door. _

_ “No, what the hell do you think you’re doing ignoring me like this?” She crossed her arms and stepped away from him.  _

_ “Look, I just need some time to think. Is that so wrong? If you haven’t noticed my parents hate your family right now.”  _

_ “I don’t care about that. I’m not dating your parents, I’m dating you.”  _

_ The cruel silence that followed told her that might not be the case.  _

_ He sighed and lifted his hands to rub his temples, as if fighting off a headache. Was she a pain to him now?  _

_ “We have to think this through, I don’t want my family to ruin your reputation just because of our relationship.”  _

_ “If you haven’t noticed my parents did a fine enough job doing that on their own, I doubt they need your parents to help with that.”  _

_ “Exactly! You are already looked down on just because of your name now, I can’t have my family fanning the flames.”  _

_ He wasn’t making any sense. “How would us breaking up fix anything? It would just prove to everyone that they’re right.” _

_ He paced the length of his room trying to hold his temper, “Maryse, I can’t save you from this.”  _

_ “I don’t need to be saved!”  _

_ “Then what will happen? Hm? Have you thought about that at all? Your name is ruined! Are you going to marry someone wealthy to keep your family above water? That can’t be me, my family would cut me off completely. I would have nothing to offer for you.”  _

_ “I don’t need your fucking money! Have you ever thought about us just running away? We can make our own life, and eventually this will all pass. Some other big name family will fuck up and then no one will even pay attention to us.”  _

_ Luke was already shaking his head before she even finished, “The people here don’t forget, and they certainly do not forgive. The higher you are the harder you fall, and they will laugh the whole time as you hit the ground.”  _

_ “That’s why we will run away from here. I can transfer schools. Maybe go to UCLA or hell maybe even a community college! I don’t care where I am as long as I’m with you.” She reached for him and held his hands, trying to catch his eye. “Luke, can you honestly say you want to follow in your family’s footsteps? You complain all the time about your father and his plans for you. This is the perfect time to just leave it all behind.” _

_ Luke bit his lip as he thought about it, “You don’t know how tempting that is, but where would we live? What about our future careers? What about our family? I don’t want to abandon them.”  _

_ “We can cross that bridge when we get there.” _

_ He laughed harshly, “You always were the rebel, weren’t you?” He looked down at his feet, and shook his head. His shoulders started to shake and his hands were trembling in hers.  _

_ “Luke?” She whispered.  _

_ “Maryse, I can’t. I can’t let them bring you down because of me.” He cried. _

_ If he would have slapped her it would have been less shocking. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this.  _

_ “You promised me.”  _

_ “I know.” _

_ That was that. He wouldn’t bend for her and he refused to let her break for him. He was lost to her. The rage had cooled, leaving her defenseless and weak.  _

_ “Lucian, please, don’t do this.”  _

_ “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”  _

_ He walked to his door and opened it, leaving his words unspoken but vibrantly clear.  _

_ She followed him, feeling shaken and hurt. He was no longer hers. She looked at him again, trying to memorize every detail of his face. He wouldn’t even look her in the eye.  _

_ “You’re a coward, Lucian Garroway.”  _

  
  
  


Now years later he sat across from her. Begging for her to listen to him as if she owed a second of her time to him. Was it juvenile to still be crushed over her first heartbreak? Maybe. She couldn’t help how she felt though, and she had promised herself long ago that she would open herself up to every emotion. Even if she never let them know. People thought of her to be heartless and indifferent. It wasn’t that she felt nothing, she just decided to never let her emotions be used against her. Robert was like that. Blaming her for the affair as if she was the problem in their marriage. Using her insecurities to justify why he was falling out of love with her, why he might not have ever been in love with her. 

She had moved on though, had persevered, and had tried to instill those qualities in her children. She didn’t need a great love in her life, as long as she had a home and children to care for she would never grow cold. 

Luke was still staring at her, letting her come to him. A tactic he had perfected once before. That may have worked when she was a child, but she was different now. 

She took a deep breath and looked at her watch. “Well you have six minutes left, but if that’s all you needed to say I think we can wrap this impromptu meeting up and go our separate ways.” 

“Actually, if I still have six minutes left-” 

“Five minutes and forty seconds.” 

He glared, “If I still have time left, maybe we can talk a little bit more. I’m surprised to see you are going by your maiden name, I would have thought you would still be a Lightwood. I looked into Robert after we last spoke, and I heard rumors of an affair. Is that why you changed your name again?” 

“Wow, is this how you talk to strangers now? ‘Nice to meet you, how did that failed marriage treat you?’”

“We are far from strangers.” 

“We might as well be. I learned long ago that my name means little to those who matter. Whether I am Trueblood or I am a Lightwood I am still my own, and I am proud of what I have accomplished. I didn’t need you to do that either, so if this is some last ditch effort in redemption or forgiveness you can go fuck yourself.” She spit out at him. 

What looked like pride shined in his eyes, and it was almost like before again. 

He smiled softly, “I’m proud of you too, Mar.” 

He had completely disarmed her once again, leaving her weightless under his gaze. He got up from his chair, “Look at that, right on time. I’ll see you around.” 

Then he left. Again. Though it was completely irrational, and highly inappropriate, she was sad to see him go. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there again! I have had writer's block for a while now, but I have my second wind and I am ready to get this rolling again. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	19. Chapter 19

**Magnus**

  
  


_ The hallway seemed to never end, it stretched on to a vast universe that Magnus wasn’t sure he had the strength to explore. The floors and walls were a blank white, not a scuff in sight. There were doors though, plain gray doors with a small window that Magnus could peak through if he wished.  _

_ “Hello?” Magnus called out, his voice echoed back at him. He looked behind him, and his heart jumped to his throat when he saw a dark void. There wasn’t anything behind him, if he moved backwards he would fall into that abyss. His only choice was to move forward. He took a deep breath and walked into the hallway.  _

_ “Is there anyone here? I’m looking for someone.” That much Magnus did know. He was looking for Alexander. He lost him somewhere, he can’t remember where. He wasn’t sure how he even got into this hallway.  _

_ “Alec? Are you there?” The only sounds Magnus could hear was the clicking of his own footsteps.  _

_ He moved to the door on his right and peered through. It was an empty white room, with a single bed in the middle of it. A person was laying on it, Magnus couldn’t decipher if it was a man or a woman, but he could make out the smooth scalp. A rush of empathy filled him, but he had to keep moving, he had to find his Alexander.  _

_ So Magnus began to search, every room looked the same, every person laying in the bed looked the same. The hallway kept going straight on, and everything started to blend together.  _

_ What was he looking for again? _

_ Finally Magnus saw a dark shadow standing outside someone's door.  _

_ “Excuse me! Would you mind helping me? I’m afraid I’m a bit lost.” The figure in the black cloak didn’t look away from the door’s window. Magnus slowed his pace, wary of getting closer to the unknown entity. He slowed, but he couldn’t stop walking. He tried to command his feet to stay still, but it was like he was no longer in control of his own body.  _

_ Magnus stood next to the cloaked figure, it stood about a head taller than Magnus and the air around it seemed to be ten degrees cooler than the rest of the place. Magnus perched on his toes to peer into its face, but to his surprise there was no face, but there were two bright glowing eyes. But the eyes didn’t even glance at Magnus, it was staring into the doors window.  _

_ Magnus looked into the room to see what this figure was focused on, and there he was. Alexander. Alec seemed to be sleeping, but his skin had a cool gray tone to it. A heart monitor beeped rhythmically next to him.  _

_ The figure next to him began to move forward, and silently walked through the door as if it was smoke. Magnus watched as it stood next to his love, and raised its arm, a skeletal hand reached and caressed his lover’s face gently. The heart monitor began to jump.  _

_ “No!” Magnus lurched forward and tried to open the door, but there was no handle. Banging on the door Magnus began to scream and beg the ghost to let Alec go, to leave them alone. The figure never looked up at Magnus, completely fixated on his love.  _

_ “Let him go! He’s mine! He’s mine, you can’t have him! Stop! Please, I’ll do anything just please stop!” Magnus could feel the tears fall on his cheeks, he could feel the tightness in his chest. The figure was relentless though, slowly stroking Alec’s face, flicking his wrist in smooth, lazy circles.  _

_ It was soon quiet. Magnus had no voice left to yell, his throat burning in it’s discomfort. There was no beeping. The figure bowed its head and he began to fade, and with him Alec began to fade as well. Magnus stared in horror as his love disappeared. _

  
  
  


Magnus startled awake, gasping as he fought for air. Frantic, he turned to look at Alec. He was too still. Magnus reached over and put his hand underneath his nose, feeling for the breaths he took. Reassuring himself that Alec was still alive, Magnus slowly leaned back onto his pillow. He had been having nightmares for a couple of weeks now, all ending with Alec leaving him. 

The clock read past three in the morning, and Magnus doubted that he would be falling back asleep. That was okay though, when he had nights like this he just held himself close to Alec, trying to imprint him on his own skin. It didn’t bother him to go without sleep, not if it meant having more time with Alec, even if Alec wasn’t even aware of it. Magnus leaned against Alec and rested his head on his chest, counting his heartbeats until the sun rose over the horizon. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Magnus groggily pulled open the door to his office, dreading the fact that he still had eight hours left until he could go home. He was exhausted, and his third cup of coffee hadn’t kicked in yet. He thanked every Saint above that he had gotten the office a coffee machine last year for the breakroom. He had a feeling he would be making several trips for it today. Dot had given him a rundown of his day for him when he walked in and to his dismay he had the Corbin couple today. They were a nice couple, maybe a little bit too nice. Bubbly and chatty, both of them. He was in no mood for that today. 

“Cat called me and said that if you ignore her phone calls one more time she will go to Alec and tattle on you.” Clary chirped as she waltzed into his office. She perched herself up on his desk and looked down at him and then frowned. “You look horrible.” 

“I haven’t been sleeping well, and I’m not ignoring Catarina. I just haven’t had time.” That was a lie. He had absolutely been ignoring Catarina. He missed her dearly, but she had the ability to look deep inside him and pick apart every aspect of himself. When Alec had first been diagnosed all it took was one look from her and he had spent hours in her arms sobbing. He couldn’t handle being weak like that right now, Alec needed him. 

“Do you need to go home? I could call your clients and reschedule.” 

“Absolutely not. I’m fine. All I need is a gallon of caffeine and I will be back to my usual charming self.” He reassured her and maybe even himself. He hadn’t felt like himself in a long time. It didn’t matter anyway. Alec still managed to bring himself to keep up with his work even with his health declining, Magnus could force himself to stay awake for another eight hours. “As for Catarina, I promise I will call her tonight. No need to be drastic and tell Alexander.” 

“Why? Because you know he will be upset to hear that you are neglecting your friends?” 

Magnus frowned, “I’m not neglecting anyone. Alec needs me right now, and I would like to think that any friend of mine would know that something much bigger is happening in my life than gossiping over drinks.”

“We know that, Magnus. We just miss you.” Clary looked down at her hands. It struck Magnus that Alec’s condition had a ripple effect. There was a hurricane of emotions, charged with lighting, and in the eye of it all was Clary. Pulling together Jace, Izzy, and even Magnus. Alec was her friend too, maybe even her brother in law, and yet he hadn’t seen her break down once. Letting everyone else’s problems supersede her own. 

He stood from his desk and hugged her close, “I miss you all too.” Selfishly, there had been times where he longed to get out of his apartment and be carefree again. It felt wrong to have fun though while Alec was fighting for his life. 

“So it’s settled then. I’m sure Alec would appreciate a night to himself as well. Or maybe Jace could take him out. That way you won’t feel guilty for leaving him” 

It sounded reasonable enough, but still he hesitated. “I’ll think about it.” 

Clary kissed his cheek, “That’s all I ask.” 

  
  
  
  
  


After work Magnus hesitated to go home, and he hated himself for it. He loved Alec more than anything in his world, but would it be so terrible for him to go out tonight? To not think anymore about tumors, and treatments, and that horrible fucking reaper from his dream. To just drink with his friends like he used to and not feel like he was suffocating? He held his thumb over Catarina’s number, thinking it over. He knew that Alec wouldn’t mind, that he wouldn’t be upset with him. In fact he was always telling Magnus to not treat him any differently, to not push aside his own life and goals. 

Would he be a horrible partner if he listened to Alec? 

He didn’t have to go out tonight, he reasoned. He could just call to catch up. He pushed the call button and waited for Catarina to answer. He frowned when it went to voicemail, she was probably at work. Her hours were brutal and rarely had time for herself. 

“Are you headed home?” Magnus jumped up, startled.

“Oh, Dorothea. I didn’t know you were still here. Yes, I will be here soon. How about yourself?” 

Dot hesitantly took a step further into his office and leaned against the doorjamb. “I’m leaving, but I’m not going home yet. Today was pretty stressful so I was thinking about going to that bar on 3rd Avenue and sucker some men into buying me drinks.” 

Magnus chuckled, “Well, I wish you the best of luck,” 

Dot stared at him thoughtfully, her head cocked to the side, “Would you like to join me? You look like you could use one too.” 

Did he? He wouldn’t be surprised. He felt like he could use a drink. A couple drinks with his coworker wouldn’t hurt, right? 

“You know, I might just take you up on that.” 

Dot smiled, “Then let’s go. With our wit and good looks those patrons won’t know what hit them.” 

  
  
  
  


It was odd, but Magnus had never actually been to this bar before, had never even heard of it. 

“Church’s? That’s an odd name for a bar.” He mused out loud. 

“The owner used to be a pastor, but he quit and started up his own bar. He said that seeing people drink their liver out and still live makes him more of a believer of a higher power than the Bible ever did.”

The bar was classy but low-key at the same time. The walls were deep emerald green, with a dark chipped bar top, and squeaky floorboards. There was jazz music playing low in the background, and the hum of laughter and conversation flowed through the bar. He liked this place immediately. 

Dot walked straight to the bar and ordered two Martini’s. 

Magnus sat next to her at the bar top. “How did you know I like Martini’s?” 

Dot shrugged, “You seem like the type.” 

“What type?” 

Dot squinted her eyes and studied him, “Like a suave individual, who is a fan of the classics and the classy. You can’t get much classier than a martini.” 

Magnus laughed, “You have a gift, Dorothea.” 

“Magical, almost.” Dot took a sip of her drink and turned back to Magnus. “So, what’s up? I know I haven’t been working here that long, but I have heard stories of the Great Magnus Bane, and none of them said anything about him being mopey.” 

“I am not mopey.” He said indignantly, then deflated when he realized that he did seem to mope frequently. “My partner has been having some health problems, and it’s taken a toll on both of us.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

Mangus waved off her sympathy, “Not anyone’s fault. It’s just tough, because I want to do anything and everything for him, and I can’t.” He shouldn’t be talking to her about this though, he didn’t want to burden her. “But, enough about that.”

Dot nodded her head, “I had a boyfriend who was in a car accident a few years ago, and he was on life support for a while before he died. I understand.” Her eyes welled with tears, but she blinked them away. 

Magnus frowned, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but how did you get through it?” 

“No, I love talking about him. We had a great life together and I don’t care who knows it. It was difficult, the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s just, after a while you are kind of forced to move on, even if you don’t want to. The world doesn’t stop, bills still need to get paid, people you still need to talk to. Eventually you start to live your life again, even if it feels emptier.” 

Magnus looked down at his drink. If Alec died, he truly did not believe there would be a life for him after that. Not any kind of life he wanted, anyway. He never would let Alec know, but he did think about what would happen to him if he did die. If Alec died, and there was an afterlife, would Alec wait for him? What if Magnus didn’t end up in the same place? What if Magnus did meet someone else, what would happen when they both died? Would his new partner be horribly offended if he left them to live his eternity out with Alec? What if there wasn’t an afterlife at all and he would never get to see Alec ever again? 

“Hey, stop that.” Dot put her arm around Magnus, “We came here tonight to relax and have fun. We can talk about the heavy stuff later when we are too drunk to remember what we even said.” 

Magnus managed a weak smile, “I’m not even sure how to relax anymore.” 

“I do. With tequila shots and karaoke.” Dot raised her hand to catch the bartender’s attention. “Hey, Phil. We need a round of shots over here. Just leave the bottle, please.” 

Dear God, what had Magnus agreed to?

  
  
  
  
  


When Magnus stumbled into his apartment, he knew immediately that taking a shower was impossible. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he could make it to his bed. 

“Okay, Magnus. You can do this. Just a few steps…” He clumsily made his way into the bedroom, he pulled off his jacket and his shirt. Then focused on the tough part, he stuck his tongue out in concentration as he tried to undo his belt. It took a few tries but eventually he got it off, he laid down on the bed as he pulled his pants down. He knew he wasn’t stable enough to do that standing. His shoes he didn’t have to worry about, he lost those hours ago. 

Sighing, he tried to keep his head from spinning. He would pay dearly for tonight in the morning, but for now he was just thrilled at how much fun he had. Dot was like him in many ways, both loud and outspoken. Eagerly making new friends and pulling others into mischief. While he had fun he was relieved to be next to Alec again, nothing was right when they were apart. He cuddled close to his side and inhaled the smell of his body wash. There wasn’t anything he loved more than this, he held Alec tighter, unwilling to leave even an inch in between them. It didn’t take long before his exhaustion won and he finally drifted off into a dreamless slumber. 

  
  


Unaware of the fact that his love was awake. Oblivious to the fact that Alec could smell the alcohol and perfume that clung to his skin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, it has been a while. Very sorry about that. Someone borrowed my laptop and now I can finally dive back in :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drug use mentioned in this chapter!

**Alec**

  
  


_ You’re being unreasonable!  _ Alec scolded to himself, as he splashed his face with cold water over the bathroom sink. So what if Magnus smelt like another woman’s perfume. Maybe a drunk lady threw herself on Magnus. Or maybe his cab driver was a woman. Maybe he went out with Catarina and she was trying out a new perfume. Yeah, that must be it. 

_ Or maybe he looks at you and sees a cancer patient instead of his fianc _ _ é…  _ _ No wonder he was out with another woman. Look at yourself.  _

Though he tried not to… Alec did look at himself, and he wasn’t sure he liked what he saw. The most obvious was of course his hair. Or lack thereof. It had recently gained that smooth look instead of the peach fuzz he had when he had it shaved. Proof that chemo was ravaging his body. His skin had a pasty quality to it, and he had dark circles under his eyes. His body looked skinnier than it had even a month ago. He had lost much of muscle, he was all lean and long limbs now.  _ Maybe I should go back to the gym.  _

Alec sighed and then walked back into the bedroom where Magnus was still asleep, dead to the world. He still had his makeup on from the night before, and his head was leaning at an awkward angle with his mouth open, drool falling down his chin. Alec tried to hold back his grin but couldn’t help himself. It was rare that you would ever see Magnus anything less than well put together.  Alec grabbed Magnus’s makeup remover and cotton pads from his vanity and quietly sat next to him on the bed. 

Gently, he scrubbed the makeup off his face, trying not to wake him. He didn’t wear much for foundation so it was mostly his eyes. Well, and his cheeks from where his mascara had run. Wiping it away Alec saw the face he loved most, and for a moment all he could do was stare. Though, something on his neck drew his attention. He slowly moved Magnus’s head to this side and there it was… a smudge of red lipstick. 

It felt like someone took a hammer to his chest. It was worse than when he was diagnosed. Magnus had cheated on him. Tears welled up in his eyes and fell down his cheeks, he bit his knuckle to keep in his scream. The depth of this heartbreak was tough to keep contained. 

This couldn’t be true, there had to be another explanation. Magnus could never do that to someone else. Not after Camille, not after he had been mistreated and left. He knew what it felt like, and Magnus was too kind to inflict that kind of pain on someone else. 

He got up on unsteady legs and got dressed, he couldn’t be here anymore. He didn’t want to face Magnus just yet, already he could hear Magnus begin to stir awake. He grabbed the first pair of shoes he could find from their closet, thick hiking boots, and his stocking cap and he was out the door. Though out of spite he made sure to slam it as hard as he could on his way out. 

  
  
  
  
  


Alec wandered aimlessly around the city for a couple of hours, at least. It wasn’t until he reached the coffee shop that he forgot his wallet and phone, but there was no way he was going back home just yet. He thought about going to Jace’s but he didn’t want Clary to overhear, she was more Magnus’s friend than his. Izzy was in class by now already, and his mother was bound to be at work. In any case he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to talk to them yet, not until he talked to Magnus first. Alec didn’t want to talk to him though, he was too angry. He hated to admit it but he also wanted to wait until Magnus’s hangover cleared up. Goddammit he didn’t want to care about Magnus! It hurt too much, he wished he was just a little less in love with him, that way it might not feel so horrible to be betrayed. 

“Alec?” He turned to see Maia sitting on a park bench a few yards behind him. Slowly he walked back to her. 

“Hey, Maia. What’s up?” 

She looked at him suspiciously, “What’s got you pissed off? You were walking like you were on your way to kill somebody.” 

“I have a resting bitch face I’m told.” 

“That was an active bitch face. That bitch face was lifting weights and eating nails for breakfast.” 

A laugh startled out of Alec, “Must be why everyone has been keeping their distance from me. Now that I think about it, not one peddler has approached me.” 

“Here, sit next to me and keep your bitch face on, I need people to stay the hell away from me too.” 

He sat down hesitantly, “You sure? I don’t think I’m good company today.”

Maia shrugged, “You don’t scare me. So what’s wrong?” 

“I thought Simon was the therapist.” 

“Yeah, but I used to be a bartender so I’m practically certified myself.” 

Alec looked down at his hands, specifically his left one. Him and Magnus were supposed to get married, and now he was doubting that they would even stay together. “I think Magnus is cheating on me.” 

“Ah. This I can help with. Did he tell you that he was seeing someone else?” 

“He didn’t have to.” Alec explained what had happened last night and this morning, and he watched with dread as Maia’s face got more and more severe. 

“You need to dump his ass.” He had never seen Maia look so angry.

“Without talking to him first?” 

“What is there to talk about? He cheated. End of discussion.” 

“But he probably had good reason!” Alec blurted out. 

Maia lifted an eyebrow, and Alec squirmed in her seat. His bitch face was weak compared to hers. “There is no reason. If he had cancer would you suddenly find him unattractive and dip out? And then dip in someone else?” 

“Of course not! But it’s not the same for everyone, I know that. I don’t want to hold him down if he doesn’t want to stay.”

“So leave.” 

“But I don’t want him to go.” Alec whispered pathetically. 

Maia sighed, and then looked at her watch. “How about we go get some lunch and then head back to my place? I’m starving and I’m willing to bet you aren’t wanting to go back home.” 

“I stormed out and forgot my wallet.”

Maia stood up, “My treat.” She started walking towards the exit of the park without looking back to see if he was following her. Alec didn’t dare upset her, and he really didn’t want to be alone right now, so he hurried after her. 

  
  
  
  


They didn’t talk much over lunch, they picked out a newspaper and discussed some of the articles but they didn’t talk about their feelings. Which was great. They walked in silence to Maia’s place, Alec wasn’t sure how to fill the air but Maia seemed comfortable that way so he didn’t even bother trying. 

Her apartment was small, cluttered but not messy by any means. She had frayed posters hanging on the wall and colorful mismatched furniture. It was cozy, a chaotic comfort zone. He felt at ease immediately. 

“Do you smoke?” 

“No, I’ve never been a fan of tobacco.” He tried to find an order in CD collection but they seemed to be haphazardly placed. He could tell they were loved though.

Maia laughed, “No, I mean do you smoke weed?” 

Alec whirled around, “You can smoke on chemo?” 

“I’ve never been told no explicitly. Have you ever tried it?”

He felt lame for saying no, but he never felt the need to. He barely liked drinking, so he had just assumed that cannabis was even worse than that. “No, no one I know smokes it so I never have either. Also, my brother is a cop so I never dared to.” 

Maia walked to her bookshelf and pulled out a bright blue decorative box, she shook it at him. “Wanna try? It’s okay to say no, but I’d say you’ve had a hell of a day.” 

“Sure.” Why not? He was dying, his partner was cheating on, and he might as well check one thing off his bucket list. 

Alec sat next to Maia on her sofa and she pulled out a pipe from her box and a silver metal cylinder. She pulled open the top of the cylinder and picked up finely ground up weed and put it in the bowl of her pipe. She grabbed the lighter next, “Okay, watch me.” 

Alec watched as she flicked the lighter and put the pipe to her mouth and watched her inhale and hold it for a few seconds then slowly exhaled smoke. She passed it over to him and he replicated what she had just done. He inhaled the smoke… and then promptly coughed on it. 

“That burns!” He hacked out. His eyes watered and his chest was on fire. 

Maia handed him her water bottle and he drank it like his life depended on it. 

“It gets easier.” 

“Why even bother if it hurts though?” 

She laughed bitterly, “You could ask that about a lot of things, Alec.” 

“Here, let me try again.” He lit the lighter and brought the pipe to his mouth, it was still unpleasant, but at least he knew now to expect it. 

He watched as Maia took another drag from the pipe, “So what do we do now?”

“We lay down and listen to some music.” She grabbed the remote to her coffee table and pressed play. The stereo blared to life, Fleetwood Mac flowed from the speakers.

“Is this your favorite artist?” He asked as he took another turn with the pipe.

“Maybe not my favorite, but my favorite to listen to while I’m high.”

“Well, what makes this so much better than anything else?” 

“Wait for it.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


They had probably listened to “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at least five times by now. Alec was on the floor, his chest and head swimming with a lightness he had never felt before. He had heard this song before of course, who hasn’t? However, today it felt like the song was made specifically for him to hear. 

_ You say you want your freedom, _

_ Well, who am I to keep you down? _

  
  


“This song is great. It’s really great Maia, thanks for playing it.” 

Maia looked down at him from the sofa, “What song?” 

“This song. The dreams song. I like it.” 

Maia started to giggle, “I forgot we were playing music.”

Alec suddenly began to laugh, and couldn’t seem to stop. It was like stars had invaded him, like entire galaxies lived with himself. He liked it, and he didn’t want it to stop. It felt nice to finally feel...okay. Like the world wasn’t crushing him, like he wasn’t disappointing someone. Like he wasn’t pleasing Magnus. 

“Ah, Alex, can I call you Alex? Alex, this is nice. Can I do something and you won’t freak out?” 

Alec’s eyes were heavy but he tried to focus on Maia, “Cross my heart and hope to die. Dying is something I can definitely swear on.” 

Maia reached to her head and pulled off her scalp. “ _ Holy shit!  _ Maia! What happened to your head? Why does your scalp come off?” He tried to heave himself off the floor to help her. 

Maia wrinkled her nose and kicked him, “It’s a wig. Dumbass. Not my whole scalp.” She threw her wig at Alec, Alec caught it and inspected it just in case she was lying. 

“Why do you wear a wig?” He hoped that wasn’t rude to ask, she didn’t seem offended by it though, and seemed to seriously consider her answer. 

“I don’t like people staring. I don’t like drawing attention to myself. Especially with this. I don’t want people to think of me as weak, I can hold my own.” 

“The wig makes you stronger?”

“No, but it makes me feel stronger.” 

Alec put the wig on top of his head, it was kind of itchy. He adjusted the curls. “How do I look? Do I look stronger?” He gave a little pout and a pose. Something he would never have done in front of anyone else. Man, he needed to smoke more often. 

Maia laughed so hard she tumbled off of the couch, and Alec chuckled with her and then laid down next to her. They both stared at the ceiling as “Landslide” played. 

“Do you want to see something cool?” Maia pushed herself up and pulled Alec up with her. “Let’s go.” She took him by the hand and dragged him out her window and up the fire escape, they climbed up until they got to the roof. Alec looked around, the sunset was lowering behind the skyscrapers of the city. 

“It’s sunset already? How?” Time had completely passed Alec by, he didn’t realize he had been here so late. 

“Shh, just look. No talking. This is my favorite spot in all of New York. Whenever I come up here, I’m not so scared to die. Because if Heaven looks anything like this, why should I be?” 

Alec wrapped his arm around Maia and she leaned into him. Together they both watched the sunset, and he realized that she was right. If there was a Heaven and a God, this won’t even come close to the beauty they will see one day. 

One day. Not for a while though. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Alec stayed at Maia’s until dark, sobering up by eating junk food and drinking soda. He wasn’t sure if that actually sobered up anyone but Maia swore by it. It wasn’t until he got to his apartment that he realized that he still had no idea what to say to Magnus. He quietly opened the door, praying that Magnus was still asleep. 

“Alexander?” No such luck. 

He cleared his throat, “Hey. Sorry I’m late.” 

He walked out of the entryway into the living room and saw Magnus standing behind the couch, floppy product free hair, no makeup, and ratty sweats. Which on closer examination Alec realized were his. 

“Sorry?  _ Sorry?  _ That’s all you have to fucking say?” Magnus looked incredulous as he threw his arms in the air, further confusing Alec.

“What?”

“I woke up and you were gone. No note, no calls, not even a fucking text. So I call you, and your phone is still sitting on your nightstand. Do you know how scared I was? I called everyone and no one knew where you were! Where the hell were you?” Magnus stalked towards him, his face deep red with pure rage. 

“I was out.”  _ Nice one. _

Magnus leaned forward and sniffed his shirt, and his jaw dropped. “Is that weed? Were you smoking?” Magnus gripped his chin and looked into his eyes. “Jesus Christ, are you still high?  _ What. The. Fuck. Happened.” _ Magnus spit out. 

Alec rolled his eyes and walked through the bedroom and into the bathroom, Magnus hot on his heels. “I’m a grown adult, Magnus. I can take care of myself.” 

“That’s great for you but for all I knew you were in a hospital somewhere! Who were you with?”

“Maia. We met up.” He started to take off his clothes, but he was in no mood to actually shower, so he just grabbed some clean clothes and called it good. The shower could be a tomorrow project. 

“And smoked? Since when do you smoke?”

“I decided to try it.” 

“What is going on with you? This isn’t you.” Suddenly fury gripped through Alec, and he whirled around to face Magnus.

“Well then I guess we both aren’t who we say we are.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Their voices were loud and heated, fire crackled between them.

_ “I know you fucking cheated on me!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't honestly think I'd let this be a casual conversation between the two, did you? ;)


	21. Chapter 21

**Magnus**

  
  


In his time spent with Alexander, Magnus had gathered countless precious memories. The time he stuttered his way through their first date, or when he skipped work to spend the day in bed with him when he got a cold. Or their first trip to the ER together when they went ice skating and Magnus fell and sprained his wrist. There were thousands of smiles, even more kisses, and an infinite amount of love between them. Each one of those perfect moments leading to them to right here, where Alec has accused him of infidelity. 

“Did you hit your head?” Magnus finally spluttered. Alec glared at him with red cheeks and a stubbornly set jaw. “Did we fall into an alternate dimension where apparently you sneak out to smoke pot and I sleep around? What is happening?” 

  
  


Alec turned his head to look out the window, and it was obvious he was refusing to look at him. “We shouldn’t talk about this right now. We can talk in the morning.” 

Magnus marched towards him, “No! Talking should have happened this morning, but you left without telling me anything, which I am still furious about by the way, and now suddenly I’m an adulterer.” Alec still kept walking, “Alexander Lightwood I am not finished with you!”

“Why aren’t you? Why in God’s name are you still here, Magnus? Because it’s obvious to me that you don’t want to be. You come drunk out of your mind with perfume and lipstick all over you. You could have at least been a bit more subtle.”

Oh.  _ Oh! _

__ “Darling,” he tried to console, “It wasn’t what it looked like. I know that’s what every person accused of cheating says, but I swear it’s true.” He slowly walked towards Alec again, trying to gauge his reaction, it seemed like he was trying to hold himself away from him. “Please, listen to me. I went out with my coworker, her name is Dorothea, and yes we did drink way too much. Nothing happened though, the lipstick and perfume was probably when I was trying to get her in the taxi. You’d be surprised on how much a drunk person will fight you on that, especially when you are also drunk. We never did anything that would cross the line though, and I never wanted it to. I love you, and I would never see anyone else the way I see you.”

Alec stood there, back to him, and he could see the tense muscles and the way he clenched and unclenched his hands. “Well, why not?” he quietly murmured.

“What?” Magnus asked, stunned. 

Alec sighed and turned to face him, “You can’t honestly say you like this. That you don’t wish I didn’t look like this.”

“Alexander, if there is any part of me that wishes you didn’t look like the way you do right now it’s because it would mean you aren’t sick.”

“But, Maia’s boyfriend cheated on her because he couldn’t handle the pressure of staying. I wouldn’t even blame you if you had cheated, I understand it. It’s just… could you not let me know? I don’t want to know when you go to someone else.” 

Magnus could feel his heart break, “There won’t be anyone else. I’m sorry that Maia had a sack of shit for a boyfriend, but I am so in love with you that I don’t think I could be with anyone else for any reason.”

Alec gave him an odd look, a look that reminded him too much of his mother before she ended her life, “Except for when I’m dead. You will have to move on then, Magnus.” 

_ “ _ Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you even bring that up with me!” The reaper came back into Magnus’s mind, and he could practically see him laughing behind Alec. 

“We know it’s going to happen, maybe not for a while but we need to face the facts. I have a much shorter lifetime than you, and that’s fine, I’d rather it be that way. I just can’t bear the thought of you moving on right now while I am still here. I get why you would want to, but I don’t want to have to let you go sooner than I have to.” His jaw started to tremble, and Magnus could see him try to pull himself together. Magnus didn’t even have the right state of mind to even try to stop himself from falling apart. 

“Stop saying that! You aren’t dying! I won’t let you. Okay? You are supposed to be it for me, I’m not supposed to lose you!” Magnus sobbed. “You and I are supposed to get married, and when your siblings start having kids we would be the fun uncles. Maybe even have a couple of our own kids to raise. That’s what our life is going to be like. We’d watch them go to college, and we would cry, but secretly we would be happy to have the time to ourselves again. Then we retire and move to some beach house and grow old together. So you can’t die, because that is the only future I can accept as mine and if you aren’t going to be a part of that then I don’t what I’d…” He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even think anymore. 

“That’s what I want too.” Alec’s voice broke, and Magnus looked through blurry eyes to see him slumped over on the couch, Magnus went to sit by him. “Trust me, I want all of that too, I just think we need to be realistic.” 

What Alec didn’t understand was that Magnus  _ was _ being realistic. That is the life they would have had, if their life remained tragedy free. Sure, there would be minor accidents and tough times but they would pull through. When you find a person like Alec, you would always manage to get through it for them. He didn’t seem to fathom that Magnus loved him to a point of wild madness, that being realistic of their situation just might be enough to obliterate him. 

“Not now though. Okay? I promise that if we really reach the end I will try to find a way to accept that.” A complete lie, he knew he would never be able to accept that. “But, Alexander we just started this, and so far we have been doing really well. And Dr. Garroway is still looking for other options, there is still hope.” That is the only thing keeping Magnus sane. The only light he sees at the end of this very dark tunnel. 

Alec only nodded his head, Magnus could feel the exhaustion coming from him. Magnus pulled Alec close to his chest and rubbed him back. It had been a hellish day for both of them. When he had woken up and Alec wasn’t there he had assumed he had only run out for a few errands, but when he found Alec’s phone and wallet he knew that wasn’t the case. He had started to call his family to see if anyone had heard from him. Hours had passed and he hadn’t gotten a call back from anyone. So he called Catarina. Then Ragnor. He even contacted Dr. Garroway. No one had seen or heard from Alec. When Alec had walked through the door Magnus was on his third phone call to hospitals in the city to see if anyone had come in that looked like Alec. 

He took a deep breath, inhaling Alec, he smelled the smoke on him. “Alexander you need to promise me though, that if you ever need a day to yourself, or if something is bothering you, you need to tell me. What happened today can’t ever happen again. Do you understand how terrified I was? To find you went missing and I couldn’t get in touch with you? Jesus, Alec I thought you were hurt in a hospital somewhere.”

“I’m so sorry, Magnus.” Alec whispered against him. 

“I don’t need your apologies, I need your promise.”  _ Promise me that I won’t ever wake up alone, unable to be with you. Promise me that you’ll take me with you.  _

“I promise. I’m sorry, I just wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“I get why you would be suspicious, but what made you think I could ever cheat on you?” 

“It didn’t sound like something you would do, but I guess it just kind of reinforced everything I already thought about myself.”

Magnus gripped Alec’s chin to pull his head up and look him in the eyes. “Did you ever stop to think about what I thought about you? That I love you? Or that I still find you to be the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen?” 

Alec pulled out of his hold, “Stop that. I know what I look like.”

“Tall with broad shoulders, beautiful eyes, an angelic face and a jawline that could cut glass? Oh, the horror.” 

“I’m serious. I’m thin and bald.”

“I can’t argue with you there, but I’m confused as to why you think that makes you ugly.” Magnus was trying to tread carefully, Alec was emotional and still probably a little intoxicated.

“I’m just not who you thought I’d end up like.” Alec said lamely.

“You, my dear, have exceeded any expectations for a long time now.” Magnus leaned over and kissed his cheek.

Alec looked like he still doubted him, and Magnus wasn’t really surprised by that.

“If you must know, last night at the bar I had the whole place toasting to your name. I even bragged to the bride of a bachelorette party that my future husband was better than hers. She’s not a paying client of mine so I don’t really care if I hurt her feelings. The truth hurts sometimes.” 

Alec laughed weakly, but Magnus could see his smug smile. “Did you really?”

“I’m sure if we went to that bar everyone there would have already heard about the Amazing Alexander.”

“You didn’t actually call me that, did you?”

“I’ll admit I’m a little blurry on the details.” 

The silence that fell between them was comfortable, Alec rubbed Magnus’s hand absently.

“Let’s go to bed, I don’t think my brain can handle any emotional breakdowns for another month.” Alec claimed, pulling Magnus up with him. He had to admit he felt tired, a deep weariness that ran into his bones had settled. 

“You won’t be gone when I wake up?” He wouldn’t fall asleep if that wasn’t the case. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter today, but I tried to pack a punch in it.   
> I love hearing feedback from you guys! You’re amazing ❤️


	22. Chapter 22

**Isabelle**

  
  


_ What makes a person good?  _

That question kept Izzy up at night, and tormented her at her lowest moments.

You see videos on the internet of heroes and random acts of kindness, but what truly motivates a person to do that? Was it a sense of feeling like you need to lead by example? Are you looking for validation from others? Was it something you could use as a weapon to prove to others how much better you are than them? If that’s the case, is what you’re doing genuinely good?

When she got accepted into medical school people praised her for her intelligence, and positively beamed at her contribution to society. Yet, she had met other doctors in her pursuit of her doctorate and she honestly couldn’t say they were good people. They were blunt that bordered on rude, dismissive to the point of near negligence, and at times they acted as if they were too important to deal with a newbie like herself and her classmates. Though if they went to a party their title was a badge, even if they were a rotten doctor. Izzy thought of herself as a pretty decent judge over who was good and bad.

After all, she knew herself to be a horrible person. 

How could she not be? How could she get accepted into medical school and be more excited about the challenge than the opportunity to save lives? How could she date man after man and not once ever get attached to them before breaking their hearts? 

How could she have known her father was cheating on her mother and never tell anyone? 

She had always loved her father, a true daddy’s girl. She would see the way her parents fought and would regularly side with her father, fully believing it was her mother’s fault their marriage had gone to hell. She was always yelling at him, and never once did Izzy see him yell at her. He would just nod along, and sometimes tell her to calm down. At the time Izzy thought her father was being the mature one, not instigating any kind of fight, or stooping to her level. 

Now she knew he just never gave a damn about her to even care about fighting back. Now she knew that all the anger her mother held was just pain, a fractured soul with no one to save her. 

It had taken her a while to piece together that her father was having an affair. The long phone calls at night in his office were with his clients. Obviously. The beautiful assistant he hired was because she was qualified for the job. Of course. When she saw them together at dinner while she was on a date with her own boyfriend at the time it was just him showing his appreciation. When she saw them kiss across the table… well that one was tougher to explain. 

He never saw her there that night, and Izzy never told him she had seen him. But it had made her see things in a new light. Gifts that were given to her mother disgusted her, because she knew they were gifts given from guilt and not a desire to see her mother smile. When he wasn’t home for dinner she couldn’t help but wonder if he was with her. She had wanted to scream when he said he was going away for the weekend, and she knew deep down he would be with that  _ woman.  _

When he died that weekend, a sick, horrible part of her was almost relieved she didn’t have to live under the cloud of his lies anymore. Izzy still wasn’t sure why she never told anyone about the affair. She was scared to tell her mother, afraid to be the one to break her heart, but it still would hurt her to figure out herself, Izzy knew that. She wondered sometimes if she was still looking for her father's approval, that he would be disappointed in her if she told Maryse.

_ But it wasn’t her responsibility to keep them together!  _

She knew that now. Izzy has to live with the guilt of practically helping her father cheat on her mother, and with that kind of burden living inside her, how could she ever be considered to be a good person?

If there was one person in the world who saw her to be more than what she was it was her oldest brother. She remembered her freshman year of college when she had her first serious boyfriend. He was handsome, and had a quick wit that provoked her. But when he held her she didn’t feel at home. When he kissed her she didn’t feel the butterflies in her stomach. So she broke it off. He cried and begged her to reconsider for weeks, but her resolve never waivered. At the time she just considered herself too young to settle down, but she confided in Alec later that she was worried no man would ever measure up to her standards.

_ “Good. Keep your expectations high, and never lower the bar for any reason. You’re amazing, Iz. No man worth having would ever tempt you to be less than yourself.”  _

So she waited, of course she casually dated here and there, but if they crossed a line or didn’t impress her she was quick to throw them out. She had been called a frigid bitch, a whore, and other unspeakable things, but that never mattered to her. Alec thought she was amazing.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


To say she was blessed would be an understatement. Her family was flawed, but their capacity for love was unequaled. When Jace arrived into the family he was an angry orphan, ready to fight. For several weeks he wouldn’t even speak to anyone. He first opened up to Alec, which Izzy always understood. You couldn’t help but rely on Alec. Gradually he opened up and became more loving and fun once he realized that this family was here to stay. Many years later came Clary, who had also lost her parents. A mother that recently passed and a father that had long been in prison. She was quickly absorbed into their home. However, before Clary stepped onto the scene, Magnus had danced into it. 

  
  


_ “I can’t believe you met Magnus before Iz and I. I thought that siblings were supposed to be the trial run before meeting the parents.” Jace complained as they helped Maryse set the table. They had been hearing about the handsome coffee house man for weeks. Alec hardly talked about anything else ever since Magnus had given him his number, and they could all tell how smitten he was with the mystery man. Izzy was immediately skeptical. What kind of player was so confident in his skills to approach a complete stranger that way? _

_ “A trial run? We are just parents. There isn’t anything scary about that.” Maryse scoffed. _

_ “So what’s this guy like?” Izzy questioned. She knew her mother was a shrewd person, and was hard to impress. _

_ “He’s lovely. Very charismatic, he and I talked the whole meal.” Maryse then leaned in close as if she were telling a secret, “Alec was too busy making heart eyes at Magnus to even join the conversation.”  _

_ Robert had walked in and overheard that last part and sighed, “We can’t act as if this whole Magnus thing is going to be permanent. We can’t put that kind of pressure on Alec.”  _

_ Izzy glared at Robert, knowing damn well he just didn’t want it to be permanent. If the affair hadn’t ruined all respect for her father, his slow acceptance of Alec had finished the job. Alec was far more capable of love than Robert ever could be.  _

_ “I think Magnus is the one.” Maryse firmly stated.  _

_ Izzy and Jace stared at her in open mouthed shock, but Maryse only smiled serenely.  _

_ From the front entrance they heard the door slam shut, “Hey guys, we’re here!” Alec hollered out. A muffled giggle followed after. Izzy rushed towards the door, jamming her elbow in Jace’s gut as they fought to get through the doorway to the front entrance hall. “Ouch! Iz!” He hissed. _

_ “Relax, they will love you.” She heard Alec murmur, voice softer than she had ever heard from him before.  _

_ She spun around the corner and was instantly rooted to the spot. Magnus Bane was unlike anything she expected. Maryse had spoken of his kind nature, but never said anything to how… fashionable he was. Alec was helping Magnus out of his coat and hanging it up, and underneath that black wool coat was a tight maroon shirt under a sharp looking vest. His shoes were impossibly shiny and his black pants had perfectly ironed creases. His hair had a streak of blonde that was shaved on the sides with the top slicked up with gel. His eyes were lined with black. _

_ He was gorgeous.  _

_ ‘Good for you, Alec’, she thought to herself.  _

_ “You must be the darling Isabelle he speaks so highly of. I’m Magnus. It’s nice to finally meet you.” He strode for her and shook her hand. She heard Jace fumble into the room finally. She must have really knocked the wind out of him.  _

_ “Not cool, Iz.” Jace glared.  _

_ “And Jace! I’ve been excited to meet you as well.”  _

_ “Please stop fighting for one night. This one night.” Alec pleaded and he finished hanging up their coats. _

_ “Don’t worry, we weren’t planning on fighting at all. In fact we even brought out the childhood photos, to bond over later.” Jace gave a feral grin to Alec, and Alec paled in response. _

_ “How wonderful! Whenever I try to pry into his childhood memories he always says he wasn’t that interesting. I can’t imagine that though.”  _

_ Izzy smiled, beginning to thaw to this strange man. “You’ll be plenty interested in the middle school portion of our throwback tour. He was emo for a few months, I think we still have some of his old poems.”  _

_ “Isabelle, so help me God if you…” Alec threatened.  _

_ “I brought a bottle of wine to go with dinner, but I say we save it for the picture show.” Magnus interrupted. “Come now, dear. You thought it was hilarious when Cat and Ragnor told you about Peru. Let me have my payback.”  _

_ “Do we get to know about Peru?” Izzy questioned.  _

_ Magnus laughed, “We would need far more than one bottle of wine to talk about Peru, dear Isabelle.” _

_ Alec wrapped his arm around Magnus’s waist and kissed his temple, “I think that was what started the problem in Peru.” Izzy watched as they shared a laugh, cuddled close together.  _

_ The dinner they shared was wonderful, Magnus was easily the best man Alec had ever brought home. Later when they huddled onto the couch and told Magnus every embarrassing story they could think of about Alec, Magnus didn’t pick on Alec with cruelty. He lovingly poked at him with it, and when Alec lowered his head to hide his red face, Magnus looked at him as if Alec hung the stars in the sky.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  


The taxi she was riding pulled up outside Alec’s apartment, Magnus was working late again tonight so she would be spending the day here to keep him company. She didn’t think Alec minded too much, they had always enjoyed spending time together, but now he viewed it as pity. She didn’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t pity that kept her coming back as often as she did, but a bone deep fear that she didn’t have much time left with him. 

As usual, she let herself in. Calling out for him as she kicked off her shoes and tugged off her coat. They were having a Twilight marathon tonight, which always ended in a heated debate about whether or not Bella should have ended up with Jacob instead of Edward, so she was dressed casually in a baggy t-shirt and sweats.

“I’ve got the popcorn cooking, Iz!” She heard him yell from the kitchen. Pillows and blankets had already been placed on the couch, and she smiled. “Do you want peanut M&Ms or chocolate?” 

“Both!” She yelled back. Why only settle for one flavor? 

Alec walked in with a bowl filled with popcorn and candy, and a couple of sodas. The lack of hair never bothered her, he was still the same old Alec to her. However, today he looked paler than normal. Magnus never mentioned anything to her about him feeling sick, and lately he had been more perceptive than most doctor’s she knew.

“Are you feeling okay, Alec?” She asked as he passed the soda to her. He sank into the couch next to her and laid down, pulling the blanket over him.

“A little tired, but not horrible. I might fall asleep during New Moon. But that’s okay as long as you wake me up for Eclipse. I might choose to fall asleep during Twilight.” 

Izzy chuckled, Alec was die hard Team Edward, and was convinced that the first movie was a blight on its record. Izzy kicked her legs up on him and leaned back against the pillows, “Let’s get started!” 

  
  
  
  


True to his word, he did indeed fall asleep during the first half of New Moon, though she knew he purposely closed his eyes during the break up scene in the woods. She let him sleep though, knowing how much he needed it. She could see the obvious dark circles under his eyes, and he was thinner. His wrist looked as fragile as her own. 

Eventually, Bella and Edward were reunited, and Jacob went all wolfy, and Edward showed his stupidity by proposing. As the end credits rolled Izzy reached up and stretched. She kicked Alec and he grumbled in response. She kicked him a little harder. 

_ “What?” _ He snapped.

Izzy laughed, “You told me to wake you up for Eclipse.”

Alec rubbed his eyes and yawned, and she felt guilty for waking him. “You pop the next movie in. I’ll get us some refills.” He stood and carried their empty cans into the kitchen, even when they were supposed to be relaxing he couldn’t stand to leave a bit of a mess. 

As she was switching out movies she heard a large thump come from the kitchen. It didn’t sound like Alec had dropped anything, it sounded more like a body hitting the floor. Ice filled her veins and she stood on shaky legs.

“Alec?” She called out, afraid to walk into the kitchen.  _ He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. _

She ran into the kitchen when he didn’t respond, and to her horror found him convulsing on the floor, his eyes were halfway open and his jaw was clenched tight.

_ “Alec!” _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to throw in the Twilight part. Since August fourth I’ve been reliving the glory days of Twilight. 
> 
> But we have an Izzy chapter!


	23. Chapter 23

**Magnus**

  
  


_ Five hundred guests is three hundred too many.  _ Magnus thought to himself as he wrapped up the goody bags the DuPointe’s swear they absolutely had to have. Magnus had tried telling them multiple times that it was a waste of money, that most of the guests wouldn’t enjoy the little trinkets. He was constantly amazed at how many things could be monogrammed. A look at his watch told him cocktail hour was nearly over and that his bride and groom would be making their grand entrance. He had already double checked with the DJ about the music list they wanted, the food was being plated now in the kitchen, and the bars were still fully stocked in booze. As far as he was concerned all he needed was to make sure the cake cutting went well and then he could head out. 

  
  


“The only thing worse than a bride is her mother.” Clary grumbled as she walked next to Magnus. He was incredibly grateful for her help, it was too large of a production for him to handle on his own. Maybe before he could have, but not now. Not after Alec. 

“What did Heidi have to say now, dearest?” 

“The cocktails are too strong, the lighting is too low, and she just knows the chicken will be too dry. God! That woman drives me crazy.” Magnus wished he could say that Clary was slow to lose her temper but that would be a lie. She was as fiery as the red in her hair. He once saw her kick a copy machine because it wasn’t working, and he was almost too afraid to tell her that the machine was just unplugged. In any case, Magnus knew the bride’s mother was terrifying, it was why he was hiding out organizing the goody bags to hide from her. 

“A strong cocktail and mood lighting just might be what that old bat needs.”

“If I ever get to be a grouchy old lady, just shoot me.”

“With pleasure, dear.” Magnus replied cheekily. 

Clary giggled and hooked her arm through Magnus’s, “You know, I really do love weddings, horrible family members aside. When do you think you and Alec will have yours?” 

Magnus hesitated, “Not for a while. Things have been far too crazy to even consider marriage right now.” It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, on the contrary Magnus believed that he would never be as happy than being Mr. Lightwood-Bane. It’s just not  _ right now.  _ Magnus wanted to wait until Alec was better again, he didn’t want to marry him under the impression that they needed to do it now or they would never be able to. He wanted to wait until “ _ Till death do you part”  _ didn’t sound more like a threat than a promise. 

“I get that,” Clary said with a shrug, “No harm in waiting.”

“What about your wedding? Have you talked to Jace yet about getting married?”

“No, I know he would go overboard and propose the next hour if I gave him the go ahead. He’s just starting out at his precinct, and our business is crazy busy that it just doesn’t feel like the right time.” She said it all lightly, and far too carefully. Like she was leaving bits of information.

“And?” Magnus prodded.

Clary feigned surprise, “And nothing.”

Magnus gave her a look of  _ you’re a horrible liar. _

Clary sighed, “It’s just not a priority for me right now, and I know it’s not for Jace either. We both just want to be there for Alec.”

Magnus nodded, “I understand. It’s why I don’t want to get married right now either. How’s Jace doing?”

“He’s trying his best. He went to visit Alec the other day and he said that he looked pretty bad. I heard him crying in the shower.”

“What I wouldn’t give to just… make it all go away.” Magnus murmured, and Clary rubbed his arm in comfort. He blinked away the burning in his eyes and cleared his throat, “Well, I suppose we have an unreasonable mother to go please.”

“Let’s get this over with.” Clary glowered. From her back pocket they heard the jingle of her phone ring, Clary pulled it out. “It’s Jace.” She said, “Hey, Jace. Can this wait? We are about to start the reception.” A look of horror came across Clary’s face and she glanced at Magnus. A deep sense of unease began to form inside. 

“Okay. Yeah.” She whispered, and hung up. Eyes wide she looked at Magnus with tears in her eyes. 

He gripped her arm, “Clary, what’s wrong? What is it?”

She cleared her throat and gently held his arms, as if keeping him in place long enough for her to speak. This wasn’t good, but it couldn’t be about Alec. He would have been the one called, not Clary. Though… come to think of it, Magnus doesn’t remember turning his phone off silent after the ceremony, and hadn’t checked it in a while.

_ Oh, God not Alec!  _ He wasn’t ready. He couldn’t lose him yet, not ever. He felt his throat constrict, and his vision began to fade. 

“Magnus, listen to me carefully. Don’t freak out. Alec is okay, he just had a seizure. They are at the hospital now, and Dr. Garroway will be seeing him shortly. He’s awake but he’s pretty confused right now, they are going to take some CAT scans when he’s not so disoriented, but he’s okay.” 

Magnus didn’t even have the decency to reply, he couldn’t even think of anything to say. So he turned out of her arms and began to sprint out of the building, ignoring the confused looks from the guests. 

He wasn’t sure how it happened but suddenly he was in the back of a taxi cab, heading in the direction of the hospital. With shaking hands he took his phone from his jacket pocket and saw multiple texts and missed calls from Jace, Izzy and even Maryse.

_ Izzy: Call me ASAP. _

_ Izzy: I called for an ambulance and we are on our way to the hospital. CALL ME NOW. _

_ Izzy: MAGNUS. ANSWER YOUR PHONE. 911 EMERGENCY! _

_ Maryse: I am on my way. Call me if you get any information before I get there. _

_ Jace: Alec needs you here. He keeps asking for you.  _

  
  


A sob tore out of his throat at the last text. His Alexander needed him and he wasn’t there, hadn’t even known he’d been needed.  _ You’re his partner! Of course he needed you! _ Magnus wasn’t stupid, he knew that Alec opened up to him in ways he hadn’t with others. Alec wasn’t known to be a fuzzy sort of person yet Magnus could have him reduced to a purring puddle when he wanted. When it came to comfort Magnus was the first he would go to. Always. That had always appealed to Magnus, he had never had someone who depended on him before, and he was failing at it. 

_ I’m coming, darling…  _

The traffic was hellish, or maybe it was normal and Magnus was simply too desperate to be by Alec. He couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing, he was full of pent up anxious energy. He should have known. He should have been able to feel it within the sinew of his bones that Alec wasn’t okay. Instead he hadn’t even answered his fucking phone. 

Finally, they were beginning to pull up to the hospital, Magnus shoved dollar bills towards the driver, he wasn’t even aware of what he gave him and rushed out of the cab and into the cold night. It was then that he realized he had forgotten his coat and scarf, he hadn’t brought anything with him that wasn’t already on him. He didn’t care, it all could be replaced. 

The hospital was ominous at night, the gift shops and cafeteria closed, no visitors wandering through the halls, the only ones even conscious most of the time were the nurses and doctors. The perfect hunting ground for that fucking reaper. He had to remind himself that Alec was okay, he was awake and in just a few minutes he would be cradled in his arms again.  _ Room. I need to know what room he’s in.  _

He grabbed his phone and called Izzy, she answered on the first ring.

“Oh, thank God. What happened? I’ve been calling you for ages.”

It was hard to speak past the lump in his throat, “I’m here now. I just walked in the main entrance. Where are you?” 

“Oncology unit. Room 1301.” 

  
  
  
  
  


He was slightly out of breath by the time he got to Alec’s hall, he had run the whole way, only stopping to take the elevator.  _ 1305, 1303… There we go! _ He could hear a quiet conversation, but he couldn’t distinguish what they were saying. Izzy looked up from her chair by Alec, Jace hung back quietly in the corner. She stood up and rushed over to hug him, he absentmindedly hugged her back, his eyes never leaving Alec’s face. 

It was the most nauseating sight Magnus had ever seen. His love looked so fragile laying in that bed, he was dressed in a nightgown, and a piece of gauze covered his forehead. The heart monitor beeping next to his side. The image was so similar to his nightmare that his legs very nearly cut out from under him. 

“Magnus is here.” Alec rasped out. Magnus tried to smile, but he wasn’t quite sure what his face must have looked like. He lurched over to the chair Izzy was sitting on and slowly lowered himself down. He wanted to be a gentleman and give the seat back to Izzy, but his need for Alec won over instead.

“Oh, darling, look at you. What happened?” 

Alec sighed, “I don’t know, we didn’t get to finish the movie.” 

Magnus blinked, and then turned to Izzy and Jace. “Explain, please.”

Jace chuckled weakly, “He’s a little confused. The doctor’s say with the seizure and that lovely bump on his head that he might not make much sense. He might also vomit so have a bucket on hand.”

“He hit his head on the counter when he collapsed, but I don’t think the doctor’s think that’s why he had the seizure.” 

Magnus turned back towards Alec, trying to stay calm to not scare him. Alec didn’t seem to be scared though, he was staring at the ceiling with rapt attention. As if he didn’t scare the life out of Magnus. 

“Darling? What do you remember about today?” He held on to Alec’s hand, and had every intention of not letting go for a long time. 

_ I am never letting you go. _

“Mm, it’s a little fuzzy. I know I’m in the hospital. I know I scared you. I’m sorry that I did that.” Alec seemed to shrink into himself, his bottom lip quivering.

Magnus reached up and caressed his face, “You seem to have a natural talent in scaring me, my love. It’s okay, you’re worth it.” 

“You’ve reached your limit though, buddy. We expect smooth sailing from now on.” Jace teased. 

Alec frowned and then looked around, “What happened? Where am I?” Magnus sat there stunned at his memory loss, and the fear began to surface again.

Izzy stepped forward, not at all surprised, “You fell today and hit your head. We are just waiting for the doctor to come to check you out, and then we’ll go home.” Alec seemed to accept that and nodded his head but he looked a little dazed. 

From the hall they could the rushed clicking of heels, and a frantic Maryse entered the room. “Are you okay? I came as quickly as I could.”

Alec brightened at the sight of his mother, “Mom! I didn’t know you were coming to visit us today! You should have called, we don’t even have dinner made yet.”

“He’s fine. They said this is normal.” Izzy hurriedly added.

“Iz invited Dr. Garroway to dinner tonight, but I don’t even think we have dessert planned.” Alec continued, looking back up to the ceiling. He reached his hand up and wiggled his fingers. 

Magnus kissed the hand he was holding, “Are you hungry, love?” 

Alec scrunched his nose, “No, but don’t tell mom. She never lets me leave the dinner table unless I finish my whole plate.” 

Jace laughed, “Oh this is gonna be fun to hold over him when we leave this place.”

There was a knock at the door, and Dr. Garroway entered the room, dressed in blue scrubs and holding a clipboard. Magnus had met him a couple times before, and was always amazed at how he managed to take control over a room. If he spoke he demanded your attention. He couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes did a double take on Maryse. He looked over at her and she was staring at the floor.  _ Interesting… _

“Hey there, kid. Remember me?” Dr. Garroway took out his pen light and shined the light in Alec’s eyes. “Your pupils aren’t as dilated. How would you feel about running some tests later?”

Alec seemed to mull it over, “I didn’t study.” 

Dr. Garroway smiled, “This is an easy one. You just close your eyes and let us do all the work.” 

“Excuse me, doctor. But what kind of tests?” Magnus interrupted.

“Just some basic CT scans. It’ll be quick, but it’s been a couple of months since his last scan and I think it’s time we check out his tumor. Especially with his seizure.”

“Are seizures common with cancer?” Jace asked.

“Cancer is a broad term. It’s very likely that his seizure was caused by the pressure against his brain from the tumor.” Garroway explained.

“Does that mean you think he’ll have another one?” Magnus was already making plans in his head to leave his job. If Alec was at risk for something like this again Magnus would have to be there. He didn’t want Alec in a hospital room wondering where he was ever again. 

“It’s possible. The brain is a finicky piece of equipment, we can’t say for certain.” 

“Can I go home now? I want to go to bed.” Alec complained. Magnus had to agree with him there, he wanted to wrap himself around Alec, use his own body as a shield to stop anything from hurting his Alec again.

“We’re gonna keep you here overnight for observation, and get him in for his CT tomorrow morning. You can all come back tomorrow but for now Alec needs to rest.” 

“I’m not leaving.” They would have to drag him out kicking and screaming. 

The doctor just nodded, “You can spend the night with him, we have extra pillows and blankets. I’ll ask a nurse to grab you some. As for the rest of you, I’ll see you tomorrow. Nice seeing you again, Mar.” He winked at her and left the room. 

Everyone sat dumbfounded as Maryse spluttered in embarrassment. No one seemed to know what to say as Maryse’s face grew red, though Alec didn’t seem to have that problem. 

“Mom, are you dating my doctor?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Magnus watched as Alec’s chest rose and fell, the beeping of the monitors providing an uneasy lullaby. This was something he would have to get used to. He could no longer pretend that hospitalizations was something that  _ could  _ happen. This was only the first out of potentially many. That was okay though, he reminded himself. He would much rather visit Alec in the hospital than in a cemetery. He gasped at the unwanted thought and gripped his head in his hands, trying to forget that line of thought. 

“Why are you still awake?” Magnus startled when he heard his love’s rough voice. 

“Hush, go back to sleep, Alexander. You have a big day tomorrow.” Magnus soothed. 

“You don’t have to stay here, I don’t mind if you go home. This can’t be comfortable for you.” 

_ Idiot.  _ Magnus sighed, “You know I hate sleeping without you. As long as you’re here I am perfectly comfortable.” 

Alec smiled, seemingly relieved at his answer. “At least we only have to do this once. Hopefully we never have to spend the night at the hospital again.” 

“I don’t mind. I actually like having you surrounded by doctors. Helps me relax a little.” 

“You know, some people in my group have stayed in the hospital for weeks at a time. Isn’t that insane? I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a hospital.” 

Magnus’s heart began to pump a little harder, already knowing the direction of Alec's thoughts. “Of course you won’t, because you’re gonna pull through, and there won’t be any reason for you to be here.” 

Alec gave him a grave look, “Magnus I won’t let it get that bad. You have to promise me to let me go if it ever does.” 

The reaper stood guard behind Alec, his alabaster hands reaching out, ready to take hold at any moment.

“We agreed to not talk about this until we absolutely have to. It’s not time. I don’t want to hear you talk like that, Alexander.”  _ Don’t make me think of a life without you. It’ll never be time.  _

Alec only nodded, “You’re right, I’m sorry. I know how hard this must be for you.”

“You’re the one doing all the hard work, love.”  _ I can’t even seem to answer my goddamn phone.  _

Alec shook his head and laughed, he was looking at the ceiling again, as if he could see something Magnus could not. Alec was silent for so long Magnus believed he had gone back to sleep. He pulled up the blanket to his chin and reclined the chair, keeping an eye on the green line tracking his love’s heartbeat.

It wasn’t until much later when Magnus was almost asleep did he hear Alec’s quiet reply.

“It’s not hard to die, Magnus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might edit later. I’ve had a hellish week and my brain is fried 😂 but I’m determined to stay on schedule!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING- SUICIDE MENTIONED HEAVILY IN FIRST PART OF CHAPTER

**Alec**

  
  


He was going to die soon. Alec knew that, maybe it wouldn’t be in the next few months, or even this year, but sometime soon his body would no longer be able to fight off this disease. The chemo had already taken so much of his strength. It was strange, to know your days are limited. Some days Alec felt completely numb, and others he was so scared it was hard to function. Everything felt so precious, his time was so limited. Yet he couldn’t do what he had always enjoyed doing. He could no longer spar with Jace at the gym, or go on hikes with Izzy, even his sex life with Magnus was deteriorating. A couple weeks ago they had tried, and no matter what they did Alec remained embarrassingly… limp.

_ “It’s okay, darling.” Magnus consoled, “Just laying with you in my arms is just as enjoyable for me.” _

_ “Let me do something for you then.” Alec pleaded, it wasn’t fair for Magnus to practically be celibate just because Alec couldn’t rise to the occasion. Magnus smiled at him and kissed him softly, reverently, “Just being with you is everything I need.”  _

Even now, Alec was ashamed of that moment. Since then they hadn’t gone farther than kissing and holding hands. Magnus wouldn’t push and try as he might Alec just wasn’t in the mood. He felt sluggish, like his body was moving under water. And he was just  _ tired.  _ It’s normal, he’s been told, but this isn’t normal for him, and he didn’t want it to be. 

He had been reading about people like him, and how they managed to get through it, and he saw a story of a woman who had a brain tumor who decided that the best choice for her was to die. It was there that he found out about assisted suicide, and it had plagued his mind since then. He researched the states it was legal, and the laws held in place and how he could be eligible. Diagnosed illness. Check. Of sane mind. Debatable. Resident of state. There was the snag. He doubted Magnus would ever want to move to New Jersey, or Vermont, which were the closest states where it was legal, and it was even more unlikely that Magnus would agree to anything he was planning. 

It didn’t have to be assisted, there didn’t have to be rules or loopholes to jump through. Alec could do it on his own, and he didn’t have to tell anyone. A bottle of pills, or driving his car off the road, he might even be able to get his hands on a gun. He wouldn’t be able to tell anyone, no one would ever allow it, so it’d have to be when he was alone. He had already taken care of his life insurance policy long before he was even diagnosed, so he knew that his family would be taken care of financially. 

This wasn’t something he wanted to do now, and he could handle the hard times ahead, but if he got so sick with no hope of getting better, he at least had some sort of plan. Every time he tried to talk to Magnus about how things would be handled when he was gone Magnus would shut down, insisting that there was no reason to discuss it, that Alec would be healthy soon. Alec had tried to respect that. 

He had hinted at it last night though, that he remembered. He saw the way Magnus wrapped his arms around himself, as if he were physically trying to keep himself together. His death would destroy Magnus, but Alec knew that he could still rise from the aftermath. Alec wondered if he was just trying to convince himself of that, to make this decision easier for him. Selfishly, Alec knew that even if his family broke, he would still do it. 

He refused to die in a hospital bed. 

  
  
  
  


**Magnus**

  
  


Magnus watched the clock, the tick of the hands, the face of it mocking him. The nurses had already come to take Alec to his CT scan, Alec had kissed his hand and assured him this would be quick, but Magnus knew it wouldn’t be quick enough. He had called Maryse to let her know how the night went, and he was too exhausted to even interrogate her about her and Dr. Garroway. The phone call had killed ten minutes, and Magnus groaned. He needed to do something before he went crazy.

“So you were just planning on staying the night at  _ my _ hospital without telling me?” Magnus smiled, he would recognize that voice anywhere.

“Catarina! You are a vision today, how do you manage to look so beautiful even when you’re covered in questionable fluids?” 

Catarina raised an eyebrow, clearly not falling for his charm. “You know, I’ve been very understanding with your lack of contact recently. I know Alec needs you more, and I respect that. But to be under my own roof and not even shoot me a text. Well, I’m offended.”

Magnus hung his head, “I’m very sorry, Cat. I didn’t really expect to be here. How’d you even know we were here?”

“Maryse called me. She said you sounded like you needed a friend. It was good timing too, I just finished my shift.” His future mother-in-law was an angel. “Now, let’s go talk over crappy coffee from the cafeteria.” 

“I’d love to, but Alec should be back shortly and I need to be here for when he gets back.”

Catarina smiles politely, but he could see the determination in her eyes, “I think he will understand.” 

That was apparently all she was going to say about that.

  
  
  
  
  


“Alec has been pulling away from me, and I don’t know what to do.” Magnus confessed over their cold and soggy waffles. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but over these last few months he could start to feel the walls be built between them, moments where Alec would shut down. The most recent was a couple of weeks ago, Magnus had seen an ad for their favorite band playing at a local club next summer. He had mentioned to Alec that they should get tickets. 

“Maybe you should invite Cat or Izzy instead.” Alec had said. 

“Well, I thought this might be a fun date night. Do you not want to?” 

“Of course I do, but just in case I can’t, you know?”  _ Just in case I’m dead.  _ Magnus had heard what had meant to say. Alec had grabbed the remote and turned up the volume, effectively ending all conversation. 

  
  
  


“He’s giving up.” That was the worst part, not the treatments or hospital visits. 

“Has he seen anyone for help?” Catarina asked.

“He goes to group therapy, and when he said he joined I was happy. He could talk to people going through the same thing, and he could probably get better advice from them. But, I think it’s a lot harder for them to lift him up when they are drowning too, and I don’t blame them at all! He’s gotten close to another member named Andrew, they have lunch together after the meetings, and I’ve seen Alec text him a lot. I know he has people to go to for help, I just don’t think he will.” 

“What about you? Who are you going to for help?” She said softly. 

Magnus jerked, “I’m okay, I don’t need help.”

“I know you, Magnus. I saw the way you fell for him. I was here the whole time, and not once have I ever seen you look at someone the way you look at him. So, what are you doing to help yourself? What do you need?” 

“I just need him to get better!” Magnus exploded. “That’s it. I can’t let him go, Catarina. Do you know what he said last night? That if it gets worse, that I need to  _ let him die.  _ I can’t. So all I need right now is for the doctor to burst into the room and say he’s found something to save him.” His bottom lip started to quiver, and it bit it to try to keep from crying. 

Catarina reached over and held his hand, and Magnus was reminded of another time she had held him as he fell apart.

  
  


_ “Block her number. Run away if you see her again. I mean it, Magnus. You are not allowed to speak with her again.” Catarina firmly said as she hugged him tighter as he sobbed.  _

_ “I can’t believe she did this. After everything…” He cried out. It felt like she took her stiletto heel and dug deep into his chest. She had always told him that she liked that he was bisexual, that they could have threesomes, and Magnus had been uncomfortable with that, it’s not like he had never done that before but those were casual hookups. He was okay with sleeping around but when he dated someone he demanded monogamy. Just because he liked both men and women it didn’t mean he didn’t want commitment. When he had told her that he did not want anyone else joining them in bed she had laughed and made some glib comment on how he didn’t need to be involved but she had agreed. _

_ He had thought that that was the end of it, that it would be just the two of them.  _

_ Until he walked into their room and saw her with another man. He had looked her right in the eyes and she smiled, like she was thrilled she had been caught.  _

_ Magnus couldn’t even remember if he had said anything to her, or if he just walked out and ran to Catarina. What’s worse is she wasn’t even surprised about what Camille had done. _

_ “We told you she was bad news. You can stay here until you find a new place to live. Ragnor and I can help you move out.” _

_ “Maybe her and I can work it out though.” Magnus argued. Even he didn’t know why he kept holding on to her.  _

_ “You will live your life miserable if you stay. Somewhere the person you’re supposed to be with is out there, and you are wasting your time on Camille. While you are trying to keep the person all wrong for you the right one is out there trying to find you. They are going to love you so much, Magnus. More than you ever imagined, more than Camille could ever give you.”  _

_ Magnus shook his head, there wasn’t anything better than Camille for him. Catarina leaned back to look him in the eye, and to his shock found that she was crying too.  _

  
  
  


Magnus had thought that there was no pain greater than what Camille had inflicted. How wrong and naive he was. He had found everything he had ever wanted and what he never even knew he needed in Alexander. 

“I know Dr. Garroway personally, and I promise you that he is doing everything he can for Alec. If there is anything that can save him, Luke will find it.” 

Magnus nodded, his head feeling heavy with exhaustion. He was more than ready to take Alec home and sleep the rest of the day. 

“As for you, you need to stop telling yourself that just because you aren’t sick that you aren’t suffering too. It’s okay to break down. If you don’t want Alec to know that’s fine, give me a call and we can cuss this whole world out for what has happened. You will never be alone, Magnus.” 

Magnus squeezed Catarina’s hand as a silent ‘Thank you’, but deep inside he knew that the love of his family would never truly warm him again if Alec were to die. 

  
  


**Maryse**

  
  


She walked briskly through the halls, silently daring anyone to stop her on her warpath. The audacity of Luke had sent her in a rage. Flirting with her while her son lay in a hospital bed not three feet away. Teasing her like she hadn’t thought for a moment her son was dying.  _ Asshole!  _ Now that Alec had been released, and was lying comfortably in his own home, Maryse had the state of mind to think of other things. Like Lucian fucking Garroway. 

This game he was playing was going to end now. He had no right to try to win her back after all these years, he was the one who decided to leave. She slowed as she neared his office door, almost afraid to overstep or barge in on a patient. She glanced up and down the hallway and saw that she was alone, maybe Luke wasn’t even in. With a shaking hand she reached over and lightly knocked on the door. 

“Come in.” 

She peeked her head around the door, not quite stepping in or opening the door all the way. His face lit up when he saw her and he stood from his office chair. 

“Mar! Come on in. How can I help you?” 

As she stepped in she took inventory of his office. It was a decent size, not too small or too big. The floors were covered in a dark blue berber carpet, and a warm tan color for the walls. The office seemed strictly professional, with no personal touches at all. No pictures on his desk, or decorations. The most ostentatious thing in the room was his massive bookcase, with several medical books that exhausted Maryse just to look at. 

Looking at his office made her wonder if he was as lonely as his office looked. 

She sat in the chair in front of her desk and felt out of her element. She took a deep breath and tried to summon up her courage. “I needed to talk to you.” 

“Talk away.” He smiled warmly at her. 

The thought of Luke being unhappy in his life had taken the wind from her sails. Anger had dissolved leaving only hurt sympathy and confusion. 

“So, this is where you work. I guess I always imagined you in that horrible office your dad had.” Causal but still slightly insulting. Maybe he’d piss her off enough for her to say what she really needed to say.

Luke only laughed though, “Oh come on, going to that office terrified me.” His father had kept his office dark, usually only using the desk lamp as his source of light. Heavy velvet curtains had covered the windows, and cigar smoke hung heavily in the air. Stuffed animal heads that he hunted decorated the walls. As a child, Maryse thought his office was a dungeon. As an adult she realized she wasn’t that far off from that assumption. 

“So, what did you need to talk about?” Luke continued, his eyes were warm and happy. Maryse looked away. 

“You’re confusing me.” Maryse admitted.

“How so?” He questioned.

“We meet all of a sudden and now you’re winking at me and being nice to me.” 

“It’s a crime to be friendly to someone I care about?” 

“You don’t even know me!” She cried out. 

“Not like I used to, but I still know you. I know how stubborn you are, how you have powered through with your grit alone. I know how devoted you are to your family, so determined to keep everyone together that you never even dared to divorce your husband.” 

Heat spiraled through her body, “I didn’t need a divorce. We were perfectly content.” She hissed. 

”He cheated on you, you never deserved to go through that.” He said quietly. “If he hadn’t already died, I would kill him myself.”

“Why do you even care? You abandoned me. As far as I’m concerned what you did was worse. Robert never made me believe he loved me like you did.” It felt cathartic to finally say it. She never truly loved Robert, because she had never fully healed from her time with Lucian. 

“I never abandoned you!” He bellowed. “I was there the whole time! I was in the audience when you graduated law school. I stood outside the church where you got married. Now I’m the one trying to pull as many strings as I can to make sure Alec gets the best treatment possible. Not just for him, but because I know he’s  _ your  _ son.” 

“I-I thought you said you didn’t keep track of my life.” She managed to say. 

“I lied. I’ll admit you fell off the radar there for some years. You didn’t associate with the people I knew so I never heard more of your life after those first few years. I thought of you often though, and you exceeded every expectation I ever had of you. I’m not surprised, I always knew you’d get what you wanted.” 

Had she though? She was successful in her career, and her children were the greatest blessing in her life, but if she really thought about it, she wasn’t sure she was happy. Her career didn’t give her the joy it used to, she was now burnt out and her soul felt heavy when walking into her office. Her children were moving on in their lives, settling roots of their own. 

She was still alone, and had been for years, even in her marriage. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had been touched by a man. It’s not like she ever went out and dated since she met Robert. The same couldn’t have been said about him. Before Robert it had only ever been Lucian. 

“What do you even want from me?” She whispered.

Luke leaned forward in his chair, clasping his hands together on his desk, “I just want to get to know the wonderful woman you are today. It doesn’t have to lead to anything, I’m not asking for your hand in marriage. I just want to be your friend again. I’ve missed that.” 

She was too overwhelmed, unable to think clearly. That’s the only logical explanation for what came out of her mouth next.

“Okay.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s pretend Luke’s behavior is “cute and devoted” instead of stalkerish. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! It means so much to me.


	25. Chapter 25

**Magnus**

  
  


He wondered if the mind went through a practice run of grief. A dry run so that the real thing didn’t hurt as badly. As he was folding Alec’s sweaters, he could never sell Alec on hanging his clothes, he was struck with a deep sense of loss. How long would he be able to do this? Fuss about getting the perfect creases even though he knew Alec never noticed. He had tried several times to get him something more fashionable, introducing him to cashmere and colors, however Alec felt most comfortable in these ratty dark sweaters. He could remember the times he had been frustrated with Alec when he showed up to art galas and museums with jeans with torn hems and sweaters with holes. Now it was all so trivial, even Magnus’s own sense of style was diminishing. Choosing simpler clothing, more comfortable for the long doctors appointments or chemo. Softer fabrics so Alec felt more comfortable when leaning close for warmth and security. 

“Is something wrong with my sweater?” Alec questioned as he walked out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel tied loosely around his hips. 

“Besides the fact that it’s falling apart? Not at all.” 

Alec chuckled lightly but didn’t respond, leaving an unusual sort of silence in the room. A silence that felt like a physical touch. 

“Do you feel okay?” He didn’t look sick, well sicker than normal, and the cut on his head was healing nicely. 

“Yes? Today is the group meeting though, and I have some things I wanted to bring up to them. I’m sorry if I seem distracted.” 

A lump lodged itself in Magnus’s throat. Alec hasn’t said anything to him about needing help, or that something was bothering him.

“Well, I’m all ears if you wanted to talk. I mean, I know I don’t have the personal experience they might have for you, but I'm pretty good at listening. And talking if need be.” Surely Alec knew that Magnus would help shoulder any burden, didn’t he?

Alec shrugged, “Nothing major or anything. I just had that first trip to the hospital, and I guess I just wanted to see how they handle it so I’m better prepared for next time.” 

A logical thing to wonder about, and I made sense for Alec to go to them and not him. It’s not like Magnus has any kind of experience with that, but still it bothered him. He wanted to be Alec’s support. 

“Anything else? I know that it must have been just as scary for you as it was for me.” Magnus prodded. 

“I’m okay, Magnus. Really.” Alec said as he took the horrible sweater from Magnus’s hands and pulled it on. He must have seen the sour look on his face, because Alec smiled softly and leaned over to kiss him. 

“I love you. Don’t worry so much.” Alec whispered against his lips. 

The butterflies in his stomach when Alec kissed him wasn’t anything new, but every time it felt like it. 

“Oh darling, I love you too. So much.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Alec**

  
  


The mood was light when Alec walked into the Community Center, Simon had brought everyone their own pumpkins and as a group activity they were carving them for Halloween. Raphael had given Simon a hard time about it, declaring they weren’t children, but Alec could see him smile as he sketched out a bat on his pumpkin. 

“So, anyone have anything they’d like to talk about? Maybe you’d like to talk about what happened to your head, Alec.” Simon said as he helped Maureen pull the seeds from her pumpkin. 

Alec’s palms began to sweat, he took a deep breath and said, “I fell at home and hit my head on the kitchen counter. Then I had a seizure. Well, actually the seizure came first and I hit the counter on my way down. I had to spend the night at the hospital.” 

Andrew frowned, “Why didn’t you call me? I’d have been there as soon as I heard.” 

Alec sometimes forgot that he was gaining such a strong support system, even Maia looked hurt at not knowing.

“I’ll be honest I don’t remember much about what happened. My sister was with me when I fell, I guess I was pretty out of it for most of the night.” 

“Have you had a seizure before?” Simon questioned. 

“No, but I can pretty much count on them now. Apparently my tumor caused it, they said it’s normal for people in my condition to have seizures.” Alec sighed, “I hate it when they say it’s normal. This isn’t normal.” 

“They say that to make you feel better, so you don’t feel like too much of a freak.” Raphael said. 

“I am a freak though. A bald-headed, sluggish, seizure having freak.” Alec bitterly replied. 

“You’re very harsh on yourself.” Simon noted. “Do you think that about anyone else here?”

“Of course not. I’m just mad.” 

“We are all mad, Alec.” Maureen said, “But I always try to think of it positively. All this anger and frustration will be totally worth it once I’m done with chemo. Simon taught us this technique where we make small goals, like being able to walk a certain length, or being able to eat all three meals without throwing up. It’s really helped me see that I am getting better.” 

“But what if we don’t get better?” Alec blurted. 

All movement stopped, Simon was stupidly still holding a handful of mush and seeds. 

“You mean what if you die?” Alaric asked. 

Alec sighed, “Have any of you looked into assisted suicide?” 

Andrew gasped beside him, “Alec, no.” 

“I don’t think that’s legal here.” Simon said.

“I know, and I’m not necessarily talking about the actual programs in place.” Alec said quietly.

“You mean just offing yourself when you feel you’ve reached the end?” Maia asked. 

“I just mean, would it be so wrong?” 

“Well, I am a counselor, so if you’re having suicidal thoughts that’s something I need to know.” Simon said gravely.

“I’m not suicidal!” Alec said, exasperated. 

“I get what you’re saying.” Raphael said. “I’ve thought about it myself.” 

Everyone whipped their head towards him in disbelief.

“But your religion-“ Aline spluttered. 

“It’s the only thing stopping me. That, and my sister. I’m the only family she has left, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her before she has to. I know that this disease has a poor prognosis, but I’m not ready to give up, and I know I never will be. Not for me, but for my sister.”

From what Alec was able to pick up from other meetings, Raphael had a type of leukemia, but he had never gone into specifics. Come to think of it, Alec knew very little about the man. He knew that he was a night shift manager at a hotel, and he knew that he had leukemia, and now he knew that he had a sister. But that was about it. 

“It’s tough, I could never do it myself, but being in the position I’m in, I understand why people do.” Andrew said. “Right now my whole plan is to leave as little of emotional scarring on Lorenzo as I can. To take my own life would be unbearable for him, so I know I won’t.” 

“Same with Helen. She cries at night for me, about what we can’t control, I just feel like she’d move on better knowing she couldn’t do anything to change the situation.” Aline said. 

“I disagree, I feel like we are in charge of our own lives, and if I don’t want to go through this anymore I should have the right to say enough is enough.” Meliorn said as he carved into his pumpkin. Alec wasn’t sure what he was carving, but it looked abstract. His plain jack o’lantern face on his pumpkin looked weak in comparison. 

“It’s not just your life though, it’s your loved ones too.” Aline argued. 

“It is my life, though. My death too.” Meliorn countered.

“We are trying to avoid death.” Maureen said, starting on her pumpkin face, a vampire from what Alec could see.

Meliorn laughed, “You can’t avoid death. Only postpone it.” 

“That’s my point. If nothing can help me, why should I have to suffer until the end? I’d rather die on my own terms rather than be in pain until I go naturally.” Alec said, relieved that someone understood him. 

“Ending your own life is a very serious decision, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.” Simon said, his face grave. 

“I would never do it normally, and I’m not saying it’s something I’d ever do, I just wonder what it’d be like. If that’s something I’m even allowed to want.” He confessed.

Simon seemed conflicted, trying to separate his personal feelings with his professional duty, “I don’t think it’s unusual to want. Have you talked to your family about it?”

“God, no. They’d freak.” He could already see it now, the crying and over the top hysteria. And that was just from Magnus, who knows what the rest of his family would do. 

“Maybe you should.” Simon replied gently, “It’s okay to be honest about your feelings with them.” 

He shook his head, “I don't know what to say.” 

“Your family loves you, Magnus especially. Lorenzo told me that he asked him for advice on how he can get through this with you. He would want you to be honest with him.” Andrew said. 

He made a face, “I don’t think Magnus wants honesty. I think he wants easy answers.” 

“There are seven stages of grief, and you don’t feel them in that order. Some days you may feel angry and then you accept it and then you’re back in denial. Magnus is probably just in denial, but he will get there.” Simon said. 

“And when does the acceptance start?” 

“Probably after you’re dead.” Maia snickered. Alec couldn’t contain his laugh, and not for the first time he was struck by how easy it was to joke about this with them. 

“I don’t think I can wait that long. I feel like I’m doing this by myself, because I can’t be honest with anyone. I know that I have this group, but it’s different.” 

“You need your family. I get that. I know I can speak for everyone here when I say that we will all support you. Even when you can’t do that for yourself.” Simon said. 

Alec smiled, but was a little uneasy about talking about his feelings anymore. He turned his attention back to his pumpkin, frowning at its lopsided smile. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Magnus**

Magnus had taken the day off, well actually the whole week off. He was hoping for some quality time alone with Alec, he had a clinging desire to stay close to him at all times. However, he knew that Alec really needed this time alone with his group. He didn’t speak much about it, but Magnus could feel how much Alec admired Simon and the others.

To pass the time Magnus had rearranged his closet, and organized their DVD collection, nothing at work required his immediate attention. He had total faith in Clary and Dot. He was still on the fence about quitting his job. On one hand he knew that they needed the money, especially if Dr. Garroway were to find some obscure treatment to save his love. On the other hand, it was unacceptable that he wasn’t there when Alec had his seizure, and for him to arrive at the hospital so late. He knew Alec didn’t blame him, in fact he probably had preferred Magnus not being there for that, but he shouldn’t have to be shielded from this. 

He heard the door open and the jingle of Alec’s keys being thrown into the dish on the coffee table, as he was changing the sheets on their bed. “Magnus?” 

“In the bedroom!” He called back, and he couldn’t help but smile at the sound of Alec’s footsteps coming near him. 

“Here, let me help you with that.” Alec said, and grabbed a corner of the fitted sheet. 

“Thank you. How’d it go today?” 

“It went decently.” Alec said.

Magnus raised his eyebrow, “Just decently? You’re not going to spill the latest gossip?” 

Alec laughed, “I wouldn’t call it gossiping.” 

They were silent as they pulled on their duvet and arranged the pillows. Magnus sighed and flopped onto the bed and then pulled Alec down with him. 

“So nothing interesting?” 

Alec bit his lip, “We carved pumpkins to display outside the community center. Had a fun little debate too.” 

Magnus hummed, “About what?” 

Alec ran his fingers up and down Magnus’s arms, and Magnus shivered. Given the fact that Magnus only planned on doing chores for the day, he wore a simple short sleeved shirt and sweats. Perfect attire to lay in bed and cuddle. 

“It’s a little controversial.” Alec stalled.

Magnus peeked up at Alec and grinned, “I’m all about controversy.”

“Well, someone brought up the idea of assisted suicide.” 

Magnus frowned, “What’s that? I’ve never heard of it.” 

“Only a few states have legalized it. Basically if a person is terminally ill they can go to a doctor and get a prescription for this pill, and when the person takes it they fall asleep and die. It’s like getting euthanized.” 

_ Oh, God.  _ Magnus felt lightheaded, “Why on earth would you talk about that?”

“It’s a group for people who are sick, why wouldn’t we?” 

Magnus cleared his throat, “In this little debate, were you on the affirmative or the negative?” 

“Affirmative.” He murmured. 

“ _ Why?”  _ Magnus asked, horrified. 

“I don’t think it’s crazy. If someone knows that they won’t live, why wait it out until every single day is agony? Just so they eventually die anyway?”

It felt like Magnus was hyperventilating, and his eyes couldn’t seem to focus on anything.

Alec held him tightly, “Relax, it was just a debate. Nothing serious.” 

Magnus glared at him incredulously, “A debate about ending your own  _ life? _ Who brought this up? Was it Maia? Damn it, Alec, I don’t think she’s a good influence for you.” If Maia was putting more stupid ideas in Alec’s head she wouldn’t have to worry about assisted suicide, Magnus would do it for her. 

“It wasn’t Maia. It was me.” Alec confessed.

Magnus gasped, feeling another chamber in his heart collapse. Another tragedy his body wasn’t able to cope with. 

His eyes watered and he gripped Alec’s arms, “But-but you’re not going to do that, right? That’s just talk, right?” He had hoped for an immediate denial. 

“Alexander?” 

Alec sighed, “I don’t know. It makes sense.” 

“How? How does that fix anything?” How could Alec willingly leave him? 

“There might not be anything we can do to fix this. I think we need to accept that I might die.” Magnus pulled himself out of Alec’s arms. 

“ _ No!  _ We don’t!  _ I  _ don’t! We can do this, you’re not going to die.” 

“That’s the problem.  _ We _ aren’t doing this!  _ I  _ am! You’re so deep in your denial that I’m doing this all on my own. I need you to be honest with me, and I need to be able to be honest with you. I can’t handle the fact that I’m going to die on my own.” Alec said, clenching his eyes shut. 

Magnus gasped, his hand flew up to his mouth to hold back his sob. 

Alec pulled him closer again, even as Magnus fought to pull away. “Magnus, I know how hard this is for you. I’m not even sure how I could do it if I were in your shoes, but I’m tired of pretending.” 

“You’re not going to die.” Magnus said again, his voice breaking.  _ He won’t, he won’t, he can’t.  _

“Maybe not, but I think we both should expect the worst.” 

The worst has already happened, and Magnus would like to say that he has a high pain tolerance, but just Alec being sick at all was cosmically traumatic. 

“We agreed to not talk about it yet.” Magnus said.

“We’ll never be ready.” 

“Then let’s never talk about it! Let’s just get you better, and then move on with our lives together.” Magnus said frantically. 

“Magnus.” Alec whispered, kissing his forehead. 

He was barely aware of the way he was shaking, his mind detached from his body. 

“You’re going to kill yourself?” Magnus asked uncomprehendingly.

“No. I’d never leave you if I had the choice. It’s just a tempting thought for later.” 

_ Tempting?  _ Sweets were tempting. Playing hooky from work on a rainy day was tempting. Alexander was tempting. Alec killing himself though? There wasn’t a word that existed in any language he knew that could describe its horror. 

Magnus gawked at Alec, his mouth had yet to catch up to what was going on in his mind. 

“Look, I’m sorry I said anything. I didn’t even talk about it seriously, but it seemed important for you to know.” 

Magnus swallowed around the lump in his throat, unable to manage the stinging pain of the revelation and shock. 

“I need… a minute.” He gasped out. Alec tried to soothe him but Magnus got up and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He could hear Alec knocking on the door. He yanked off his clothes and stumbled into the shower, cranking the hot water on. He could barely feel the burn of the water. He slumped down on the shower floor, holding his knees to his chest, and leaned his head back against the wall. The tears on his face were lost under the stream of water, and he tried to wash away the last hour of his life. Tried to ignore the sound of Alec on the other side of the door. Tried to forget his own name. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m either posting multiple times a week or I ghost for a couple weeks. There is no in between. Thank you for tolerating me though! 😊


	26. Chapter 26

**Magnus**

  
  


He didn’t talk to Alec the rest of the night. Despite the soft pleas and touches, he just couldn’t. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth he would scream. Alec had fallen asleep, but it was restless, Magnus could tell. When he was certain that he was asleep, Magnus had rolled over and just watched him, and he hadn’t stopped. Glancing at the clock he saw it was five in the morning. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, he was tired, but electric anxiety was still coursing under his skin. 

He got out of bed as quietly as he could, grabbed his slip on sandals, and a sweatshirt. He couldn’t stay here anymore, he needed to move before he went insane. With no particular destination in mind, he left. Not before leaving a note for Alec that he would be back later.  _ See? That’s how you leave a note. _ Magnus scoffed, still irritated with Alec’s escapade a couple weeks ago. 

The air was much cooler than he anticipated and he shivered from the chill. Going back to get another jacket felt like letting go of his pride, even if Alec was sleeping and he’d never know. 

_ This is ridiculous _ . Magnus hated this, feeling like Alec was a stranger to him. Things hadn’t been this awkward between them in years, when they were first getting to know each other. Even then it was more of a vibrant anticipation, not this impasse they’ve found themselves in. 

Realizing he was close to an old friends place, Magnus turned in that direction, just to see if they were up. It was early, yes, but not so early that people weren’t out and about. Even now Magnus had passed several joggers, nurses, and businessmen and women. Besides, Ragnor always kept odd hours.

The man himself was an odd one. As a history professor for NYU, living in Brooklyn was a bit of a commute. Him and Catarina had tried convincing him of getting a loft closer to the university, but Ragnor stubbornly insisted that this was his home, and he wouldn’t be going anywhere. His brownstone was charming, Magnus had to admit, though he wished Ragnor would let him redecorate. He had filled his home with books, and had the most beautiful mahogany desk, that was enough for Ragnor to be content. Everything else was given little thought. His couch and armchair was a velvet purple monstrosity. The wallpaper is a color that Magnus could only assume used to be yellow. He was also a hermit, coming out only for the absolute necessities, even getting his groceries delivered so he wouldn’t have to leave. So at least Magnus knew he’d be home. 

He knocked on the front door, not too loud, just in case he was still sleeping. Leaning closer to the door, he couldn’t hear anyone on the other side. He knocked louder.

“I heard you!” The grumpy Englishman bellowed out. The door swung open to reveal Ragnor with his pajamas still on, a matching green flannel set, his hair was spiked in all directions, and in his hand he carried a steaming teacup. 

“Good morning, my dear friend.” Magnus chirped.

Ragnor stared at him blearily, his lip curling in disdain, “What on earth are you doing here?” 

“I was in the neighborhood, thought I’d see how you’re doing.” Magnus explained.

“At six in the morning? I didn’t think you knew the day started until at least eight.” He huffed. 

His friend wasn’t stupid, and Magnus would never disrespect him by thinking otherwise, but he had hoped he’d at least be oblivious. 

“It is such a beautiful morning out, thought I’d take advantage.” Magnus pulled out his winning smile, one no one could turn down. 

“Shut up.” Except Ragnor could easily turn him down. “What is it really? You’re wearing sweatpants with bleach stains on it, a sweatshirt I know is Alec’s, and sandals that you never should have bought. Plus, you have no makeup. Or hair gel. You look horrible. Someone was in a hurry to leave this morning.” Ragnor said, cutting straight to the point. 

Magnus crossed his arms, immediately regretting coming here. At least Catarina was nice with her insults, he’s not sure why he ever expected sympathy from the crotchety man. 

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Magnus demanded.

“Like you’d wait for an invitation.” He grumbled, pulling the door wider for Magnus to enter. Ragnor walked down the hall and pointed to his study without turning back to look at Magnus. “Wait in there. I’ll be back.” 

His study was sacred to Ragnor, a place where he felt most comfortable. Magnus would never admit it, but it’s where he felt most comfortable too sometimes. The purple velvet couch was a horrendous sight, but the way the cushions hugged your body when you lay in it was nearly divine. There was a smoky smell to the room from the fireplace, and bookshelves lined every inch of the wall. A cozy, private slice of heaven. 

Ragnor came into the room balancing a tray of tea and cookies.  _ “Biscuits, Magnus.They are called biscuits.”  _ Ragnor would remind him. 

“So,” Ragnor started, placing the tray onto the coffee table, “What is on your mind?” 

Magnus poured the tea from the kettle into his cup, adding a healthy dose of sugar. “I can’t just come visit?” 

Ragnor grabbed a couple of cookies and his tea cup and sat behind his impressive desk. Even his desk chair was a dark blue velvet. The man had an obsession with the fabric, Magnus was sure of it. “I’ve already spoken to Catarina, so you can drop the act.” 

“Maybe it has nothing to do with Alec, maybe I just really like your insults.” Magnus bit back. 

Ragnor rolled his eyes, “Ever since you met Alec your whole life has been about him. Now he has cancer and was just hospitalized, suddenly your problems aren’t about him? Idiot. Give me more credit than that. Speak.” 

How could he talk about it? It was so taboo, even in this private little brownstone in Brooklyn it felt like if it was spoken aloud it would manifest. 

“Have you ever heard of… assisted suicide?” Magnus hesitantly asked. 

“Ah! Yes! Dr. Jack Kevorkian caused quite a stir with that one.” The praise in his friends voice irritated him.

“Alec...wants that.” Magnus shrunk into himself, crossing his arms onto his chest, if only to keep his heart inside. 

Ragnor nodded solemnly, “You’re unhappy with that?” 

Magnus gaped, “How could I not be? He wants to end his life!” 

“He doesn’t want to be in pain.” Ragnor countered.

Frustrated, Magnus stood and paced along the length of the room. “People can recover from cancer.”

“Very true, they can also recover from grief.” 

Magnus stared in disbelief, his longtime friend actually supporting the idea of Alexander dying. 

“Go to hell.” Magnus said through clenched teeth. He couldn’t remember ever being so angry, so out of control.

“Calm down, you twit. Personally, I think it’s far too soon for Alec to be discussing those plans, however I understand what he is trying to say.”

“ _ Calm down?  _ You’re discussing my future husband's life like it’s inconsequential!” Magnus fumed. 

“Oh, please. Like I’d ever dare.” Ragnor scoffed. “So you’re upset with Alec and his potential decision. How did you find out? Did he tell you?” 

“Yeah, and he tried to make it seem like it was some casual thing. Just a fun little conversation they had in group therapy. He isn’t taking this seriously!”

Ragnor cocked his head, “It seems like he is thinking about his own mortality, a very reasonable concern in his position.”

“He isn’t going to die though. He has no reason to be thinking about that.” The imaginary reaper laughed at him.  _ Shut it!  _ Magnus thought to himself.

“Then you must be the one not taking this seriously. A tumor that as of right now has no cure, or way of removal. He very well might die from this, and that would be tragic, but it’s possible.” 

“ _ He isn’t going to die!  _ Why does everyone keep thinking he will? Alec is strong, the strongest person I know, if anyone can do it it’s him.” He could feel himself spiraling, a downward spin that made him dizzy. 

“Hm.” Ragnor said, and calmly opened the book laying on his desk, ignoring Magnus’s panic. 

“What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t agree?”  _ Fuck you. _

“I just can’t reason with you when you don’t have a grip on reality, so we can wait until you see the light.” Ragnor said, not looking up from his book. 

“I’m not being unreasonable!” Magnus yelled and stomped his foot. 

“Oh, stop acting like a child. Catarina told me that you felt Alec was pulling away from you, is that true?” 

He nodded stiffly. 

“Alec just confided in you a very personal and dark moment, and you threw a tantrum and ended up here. Why should he treat you like his partner if you won’t act like it? If he’s in pain, why not? For Christ’s sake, we put our dogs down if they are in pain yet we expect humans to just deal with it.” 

Magnus jerked back like he had been slapped. “I’m doing everything I can for him.” 

“Only when it’s convenient for you. Being his cheerleader and the one who holds his hand, that’s fine for you. But the real and dirty stuff you won’t get involved with. Do you honestly think that Alec wants to die? That he’s not scared? If you can’t even acknowledge his fears how the bloody hell are you to help him? If you want Alec to truly trust you, you’re gonna need to suck it up and be his rock. He isn’t dead, but there is that chance he will die, and he needs you to grow up and endure that with him.” Ragnor scolded. 

“ _ How?  _ For the love of God, tell me how!” Magnus exploded. “He is my whole world, Ragnor. No one has ever come close to what he means to me. If I start talking to him about his death, it’ll be like I’m accepting it. That I’m okay with it. It will  _ ruin _ me if he leaves me.” 

Ragnor propped his head on his hand, scrutinizing Magnus. “Yes, I know. I just fear that you will ruin your relationship if you’re not open to every aspect of it. Even its end.” He stood and gracefully walked towards Magnus, looking regal even in his pajamas. “Go home. Even if it hurts, it will be a pain you two share. It’s not fair to leave Alec with that burden alone.” 

“I’m not strong enough.” Magnus admitted. 

Ragnor gripped Magnus’s shoulder, “You will find the strength for your Alexander. You always have.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


He felt like a zombie walking home, a mindless entity with no real function in this world. He knew Ragnor was right, he’d never admit that to him, but he had a point. Magnus had been selfish, so intent on seeing the bright side that he had blinded himself to Alec’s pain. 

He had stopped by their favorite bakery for some pastries and coffee, something to butter Alec up after his behavior. He had forgotten he looked insane until the regular cashier gave him a surprised look. Oh well, a small sacrifice for Alec. 

When he opened their apartment door he heard the television on in the living room. He saw Alec laying on the couch, a blanket pulled up his chin, watching the news. He looked over at Magnus, but said nothing. 

_ That’s understandable.  _ Magnus cleared his throat. “I brought some goodies for us. Your favorite blueberry danish, and some coffee to wash it down.” He set the cup and brown bag in front of Alec on the coffee table. Still nothing from Alec. 

So he would have to start the conversation then. He sat down at Alec’s feet on the couch and lifted them on to his lap. To his relief, Alec didn’t pull himself away. “I’m sorry.” 

Alec’s eyebrows raised, “What for?”

“I behaved very badly last night. And this morning. I’m sorry. You opened up to me, and I threw it back in your face.” 

Alec gave him a small smile, “Thanks for the danish.” He pushed himself up and grabbed the bag, and to Magnus’s joy, scooted over to lay his head on his lap. Softly, he stroked Alec’s head, marveling on its softness. 

Together they watched the weekly forecast, but Magnus’s heart thumped heavily in his chest. During the commercial he took a deep breath. “So. Assisted suicide?” The words felt heavy on his tongue. 

Alec leaned up on his elbow, “We don’t need to talk about that.” 

“We do, though. I’m going to try to be understanding. I told you I was with you through all of this, and I need to follow through. Not just for you, but for myself as well. Please, talk to me. I promise I won’t say anything until you want me to.” 

Alec laid back down, resting his head on Magnus’s thigh, and looked up at him. “It’s just a thought. It’s not legal here so it wouldn’t be...assisted.” 

Magnus nearly fainted, but managed to keep quiet. 

“It’s not what I want, and I’m not giving up, but I just saw something online about it and it stuck with me. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like I just realized that I didn’t need to do this, and it was like a weight lifted from me. That there’s an end to this, on my own terms. Everything else has been taken from me because of this. I can’t run errands without needing a nap, I can’t go to the gym with Jace. Magnus, we can’t even have sex anymore. This is the one thing I can have a say in, and that makes me happy.” Alec admitted, closing his eyes. 

Magnus tried to focus on his breathing, he had lost the ability during Alec’s speech. 

Alec peeked one eye open, watching Magnus carefully, and Magnus attempted to keep his poker face. 

“Are you going to say anything?” Alec asked. 

“Yes.” Magnus leaned down and kissed Alec’s lips first, a silent  _ I love you, I adore you, I can’t live without you.  _ “I understand, I do. It’s hard to hear, and it’ll be even worse to experience. If this is what you need though, a plan for...this, that’s okay. Can I ask something of you though?” 

Alec nodded, though his face was screwed up in confusion.

“Tell me first. Let me say goodbye,” his voice broke, “and let me kiss you one last time. Also, if it’s not too much to ask for, please wait. Wait until there are absolutely no other options, and there is no chance that...that you recover.” The cool hands of the reaper wrapped around Magnus’s neck, a punishment for withholding Alec from it. 

“Magnus,” Alec whispered, “You’re worrying too much.” He sat up and hugged Magnus close to him, desperate and starved for his affection Magnus gripped him tight and pulled himself into Alec’s lap. 

“I don’t know how to let you go, Alexander.” He sobbed into Alec’s neck. “Please don’t ask me to. Stay with me, okay? I love you too much, it’s too strong, I won’t live without it. You’re everything to me, please.” He rambled, not even making sense to himself. All he knew was that Alec was his lifeline, a soul so thoroughly intertwined he could no longer distinguish where Alec began and he ended. 

Alec rocked him back and forth, “I won’t leave you, not until I have to. I promise.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m trying to be okay with it, but I just can’t yet.” 

“I’d never expect you to, I just wanted you to know. I know we said we were going to be honest with each other.” 

Magnus sniffed, “It’s really fucking hard to do that.” 

Alec laughed, “I think we’ve been through worse. Remember our road trip to Maine?” 

It was an obvious attempt at lightening the mood, but Magnus giggles nonetheless. “That was much worse than cancer, I agree.” 

“You were still so cute, even with food poisoning.” 

“And you were adorable when you rear ended someone because you were too focused on the map.” 

Alec glanced down, avoiding Magnus’s eyes. “Whatever happens, I want you to know that our life together was more than I ever even dared to dream of. It’s perfect.” 

It was. From that first meeting with Alec he had changed every aspect of Magnus’s life with a softness and devotion that fulfilled him as much as it terrified him. 

“We are going to have a lifetime together, Alexander. I just know it.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I’m going to start going deeper into other characters lives and their relationships, but this will still be a mostly Malec story. 
> 
> BTW is anyone else just so excited for The Lost Book of the White? I think we can all agree Magnus and Alec is what everyone pays to see 😂


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hey. It's been a while. I have to admit I put this story on the back burner for a bit and wrote a couple other things I'm excited about. Check it out if you want to read something with a guaranteed happy ending! :)

**Clary**

  
  


Art had always been her saving grace, the only thing to send her to another world when the one she was in was too cruel. It wasn’t just a hobby, or even a job, it was an escape, making her life a little more bearable.

She was happy, really she was, when her mom had passed away she never imagined she could ever be again, her mom had always been her best friend. Her mother was an artist too, more talented than Clary, though her mother would disagree. 

When she was a little girl, Jocelyn would sit her up on her lap and let Clary scribble on the canvas, encouraging her to be bold with colors and use no restraint. When Clary was satisfied with her ramble of shapes, Jocelyn would pick up her own brush and finish it. Turning Clary’s abstract jumble into a masterpiece. Clary had always been mesmerized when the painting came to life right in front of her eyes.

Even after her mother died Clary kept her love of painting, but there was a bittersweet feeling to it. Every time she finished a painting she wondered if her mom would like it, or what she would do to make it better. 

Now though, staring at this empty white canvas all she could wonder is what was even the point? Why should she get to have this escape while her friends and family suffered? The art she had made recently wasn’t even up to her standards, the colors seeming dull and lifeless. 

Sighing, she put her paintbrush down, realizing that nothing would come to her today. She had the door to her studio open and she could see that Jace was still asleep on the couch. He never came to bed last night, too exhausted to even undress out of his uniform. Her heart ached for him, more than even for Magnus though she hated herself for feeling that way. 

They had been introduced by Magnus, and it was an instant attraction. It was a stroke of luck, or maybe even fate, that the attraction turned to love. She had met Alec first, of course, and she had heard all about Jace. Even before she met Jace she had a high level of respect from him, just from hearing about him second hand. She had known Alec idolized Jace, and that his brother was his best friend. Then she had met Jace, and realized his feelings for Alec ran even deeper. 

Jace had been orphaned and was taken under the Lightwood’s wings, he had been an angry young boy, constantly causing trouble and questioning authority. From what she understood, Robert and Maryse had been debating about if they were the right home for him, and had been looking into if there was a better place that would fit his needs. Jace didn’t talk about the specifics, all she knew was that one night Alec talked some sense into him, and helped him straighten up. 

_ “If it wasn’t for him, I don’t really know what I would be like. He helped me control my anger, helped me focus, I owe him so much.” _

Jace wasn’t exactly one to open up to his own feelings, and sometimes Clary even had a hard time reading him, but Alec was different. They could speak without words, hold conversations with just a look. She had seen Jace come home from a tough day at work and immediately call Alec, even if they didn’t speak of anything too serious Jace always seemed to feel better afterwards. Clary grew up as an only child, she has never experienced that kind of bond, and she was only beginning to understand it with her own relationship with Izzy and Alec, yet she didn’t think she’d ever be as close to them as Jace was.

She walked to the couch and sat on the edge, gently she stroked Jace’s chest, trying to coax him awake. He woke with a sharp inhale and his head quickly snapped up. Groggily he blinked his eyes and stretched.

“Hey, babe. Is it morning already? Damn, I’m sorry I didn’t come to bed. I didn’t know I was gonna crash like that.” His voice gruff with sleep.

Clary grinned, “That’s okay, I don’t mind having the whole bed to myself without having to share the blankets.”

Jace leaned his head back and sighed, seeming to be carrying a weight too heavy for him to hold. She felt a twinge of guilt, wanting to let him sleep, but it was his turn to take Alec to chemo and she knew he would be upset if he missed it. He had taken Alec a couple times before, and she knew Alec thought having someone there every single time was too much, but Jace was happy to go. 

“It’s nice to feel like I’m finally stepping up for him, you know? He’s always let himself suffer alone, and as messed up as it is, I’m glad that he’s finally leaning on me now.” Jace had said late one night, and another little facet of him shone through for Clary. He was the younger brother, watching the man who carried him through his life fall, and for the first time in Jace’s life, he was strong enough to carry them both. 

“You have an hour before you need to pick Alec up, but I thought you wouldn’t even function without a shower and a cup of coffee.” 

Jace hummed out a content sigh, “You’re the best.” He propped his head on his arm to get a better look at her. “How’s the painting going? Any progress?”

“Still a plain white canvas. I have no inspiration to paint anything, and everything I do paint is so unlike anything I usually do.” She groaned.

“Why’s that a bad thing?” He asked.

She hesitated, “Well, it’s just with Alec I’ve been sad, so all my paintings have felt sad too.” 

“When you’re dragging me through museums and I start to make fun of the ugly ones, you always tell me it’s not what the painting is but the emotions they are portraying. Right now everyone is upset, and that’s okay. We have a right to be, even you. Your paintings always tell a story, and we just happen to be going through a tough chapter.” Jace said, and Clary sat there with her mouth hung open in shock. 

“You actually listen to me when we go to museums?” Clary asked incredulously.

Jace leaned over and kissed the base of her neck and murmured against her skin, “How could I not? The most beautiful thing there is you.” 

Clary smiled, she loved the little moments like this. There was a Jace no one but her got to see, when he was soft and vulnerable, not at all like the asshole the rest of the world saw. 

“You are going to be very late if you don’t get a move on. Magnus will have your head if you don’t get Alec to the hospital on time. He’s a big stickler about that, you know.” 

Jace scoffed, “I could take him in a fight.” 

Clary shook his head, “He would turn you into dust on rage alone. This is a fight you will not win, now go.” Jace untangled himself from her arms and stuck his tongue out at her. 

Clary went back to her studio and studied the blank canvas, cocking her head to the side. Hesitantly, she picked up her brush and began to paint.

  
  
  


**Jace**

  
  


He made it Alec’s apartment with minutes to spare, he let himself in without knocking and called out for Alec. 

“Okay, sicky! Let’s go! I promised Magnus to get you there on time!” 

He found Alec on the couch, staring up at him with a disgusted look on his face. “I don’t need an escort. Or a ride. I’m fine.” 

This was something Jace had grown tired of, the constant complaining that Alec could do things by himself. They all knew he could, but they absolutely did not want him to. If he were to have another seizure while he were out, and no one knew where he was… Jace shivered at the unwanted thought. 

“I’ll take the cab then, and you just run beside it, Mr. Independent.” Jace retorted. 

Alec finally laughed after fake glaring at him, and Jace felt lighter because of it. He had missed this. Where it was just them taking shots at each other. 

“I’ll ride with you, but you have to pretend you don’t know me, okay?” Alec said, putting on his sneakers. “Kind of like what I did to you when you were going through your emo phase.”

Jace winced at the reminder, “I thought we agreed to never bring that up.” 

“I think we ended on an impasse for that.” Alec snorted. He got up and grabbed his backpack, and Jace couldn’t help but notice how much effort that took for Alec.

“Do you want me to carry that?” Jace asked nervously. Alec gave an incendiary glare in response. Jace held up his hands in surrender, letting Alec have this one small bit of freedom. 

  
  
  


An hour later Alec was hooked up to his IV’s, looking completely at ease, while Jace felt a little lightheaded. Needles were a weakness for him. Alec had laughed when Jace needed to sit down when they were inserting them. If there was one thing Jace was grateful for, it was the nurses. He liked the way they knew him by name, and what medications he needed right off the bat, and the way they called him “Honey”. He liked knowing that they loved Alec just as much as they did. 

“So, what’s new with you?” Jace started, and he really tried to look at him in the eyes and not the arm. 

“Not much. Just this and sleep.” 

“Well, how are the wedding plans going?” Jace asked, and Alec’s face closed up. 

“Magnus hasn’t said anything. I don’t really think that’s on the table right now for us.” Alec said.

“Why not? Is something wrong between you two?” If Magnus was planning to leave Alec like this, Jace would destroy him. 

Alec shrugged, “Some arguments, but nothing that huge.” 

“What about?” 

“Nothing.” That was another thing that had always driven Jace crazy. Alec never disclosed any information about his relationships. Even before Magnus, with past relationships Jace was always the last to know. Alec once had a relationship that lasted four months, and Jace hadn’t known until the break up. He tried to ignore the sting, but he just couldn’t.

“Come on, man. You never tell me anything. You know I’m here for you.” Jace said, with just a small twinge of desperation.

Alec gave him a confused look, “Of course, I tell you things.” 

“Not when it comes to anything personal, or about relationships. You don’t talk to anyone about Magnus.” 

“That’s not true. Maybe I don’t talk to you or Izzy, but I talk to people.” 

“Who?” 

“Andrew. I talk to him, because he gets it.” 

“Gets  _ what? _ Relationships? I know I don’t have the best track record, but I’ve been with Clary for a couple years now. I’m not the same playboy I used to be.” Jace said, hurt.

“Not that, just he’s gay too.” Alec said defensively.

Jace paused, did Alec think Jace thought less of him because he wasn’t straight? Jace had never cared about that, he wasn’t even surprised when he found out. 

  
  
  


_ Jace checked his watch, it wasn’t like Alec to be late for anything, and they had talked that morning about their plans for that night. Go to the theater, grab dinner afterwards, and then head to the bar. Jace hadn’t seen him for about a month now, Alec had been so busy with college, and he needed a night for just them. It had been too long. Alec wasn’t just his brother, he was his best friend, and Jace had been lonely without him.  _

_ He stood outside the theater, with their tickets already bought, and he was getting a few looks of pity from people passing by, assuming he had been stood up by a date. Jace could handle the cold shoulder from a girl, he could find a new girlfriend. But from his brother? That dug much deeper.  _

_ “Hey!” Alec called out, slightly out of breath from running. “Sorry I’m late, I got held up. Ready?”  _

_ Jace leaned in and hugged him, surprising both him and Alec. He couldn’t help it though. Alec hugged him back, but gave him a concerned look. “You okay?”  _

_ “Yeah, I just haven’t seen you in a while.” Jace said. _

_ Alec grinned, “Missed you too. What are we watching?”  _

_ Honestly, Jace had forgotten. Because he was entirely too distracted by the large hickey on the side of his neck. Jace raised his brow, “Held up, huh? Did you get held up with a vampire?”  _

_ Alec froze, and his hand shot to his neck. “Um, so maybe I got a little bit more than held up.”  _

_ Jace gave a wide grin, “Who’s the lucky lady?”  _

_ Alec blushed, “No one. Let it go. We’re gonna be late and we’ll get stuck with the shit seats.”  _

_ “Fine. But later? You’re telling me every single detail.” Jace warned.  _

  
  


_ The movie had been alright, but Jace couldn’t concentrate. Alec had been fidgeting through the whole movie, not even paying attention to the gore and jump scares. Horror movie night had been their thing for years, but tonight there was a wall.  _

_ After the movie, Alec stayed silent. Walking beside Jace with his hands deep into his pockets. They had walked a few blocks when Jace just couldn’t handle the silence anymore. “What’s bothering you? Why does the hickey embarrass you?” Jace asked. It’s not like he was a saint, he had his own fair share of hook ups, and he had been open about them with Alec, so it’s not like they didn’t talk about it. But, come to think of it, Alec never talked about it, just listened and nodded along. Jace frowned, he couldn’t think of anyone besides Lydia that Alec had dated. He knew the break up had been hard, but was Alec really so heartbroken that he hadn’t dated anyone else since? _

_ “I’m not embarrassed, I just didn’t want you to know.” Alec said, his head hung. _

_ “Why not? It’s not like I’d judge you.” Jace replied, offended.  _

_ “You might.” Alec muttered.  _

_ Jace stopped Alec, his hand gripping Alec’s shoulder. “I’m your brother. You can tell me anything. Has she been mean to you? Is that why you aren’t talking about it?” Jace knew that some men wouldn’t come forward with their abuse, believing themselves to be weaker. He knew with absolute certainty that Alec would never fight back if a woman was hitting him. If Alec was being abused, he’d have to call Izzy. She would have no problem wiping the floors with this girl. _

_ Alec rolled his eyes, “No one is hitting me.”  _

_ “Then come on, why don’t you want me to know about her? What’s her name?”  _

_ Alec seemed to be having an internal battle with himself, and gripped his hair in frustration. “It’s not a girl.” Alec finally said.  _

_ Jace looked at him, not understanding what Alec was talking about.  _

_ “His name is Ben.” Alec said, fighting back tears.  _

_ “Well, then is Ben being mean to you? Because I was going to call Izzy if it was a girl, but since you’re dating a dude I have no problems beating his ass.” Jace finally said. It made sense. Jace thought of Alec holding a man's hand, of introducing him to the family, and it looked… right. Like that was exactly how Alec was supposed to be. _

_ Alec stared at him in shock, “You don’t mind that I’m…” _

_ “Gay?” Jace finished for him. “No. I think I actually knew.” Jace cocked his head and studied him. “It fits. When dad would mention something about getting you a girlfriend it never really made sense to me.”  _

_ Alec snorted, “To me either. Believe me, I’ve tried to be straight. I’ve failed each time.”  _

_ Jace frowned, “Is that why you and Lydia broke up?”  _

_ “That’s a whole other story.” Alec said. _

_ “Are you gonna tell me?” Jace asked.  _

_ “Not in your dreams.” Alec retorted. They continued to walk, the wall between them now crumbled. For the first time in Jace’s life, Alec looked comfortable. Like he was getting closer to be who he wanted to be. Jace made a promise with himself in that moment, he would never let anyone shame Alec for this. He would never let Alec feel less than perfect.  _

  
  


“So, just because you like guys I can’t understand? Have you ever felt grossed out when I talk about Clary?” 

“Of course not, but that’s different.” Alec argued.

“How?” Jace pushed, and he hated himself for it. But he had to know what he was doing wrong to make Alec think that he couldn’t talk to Jace.

“I don’t want to gross you out! What I like is vastly different from what you like. You watch wrestling because you like the violence, and I watch it for the sweaty men.” Alec burst out. 

“So? Look, I’m not saying you have to talk about your sex life, I know you’re a private person, but even if you did you honestly think I’d care? Jesus, man I’ve even watched gay porn.” An older lady gave him a disgusted look before scurrying away, and Jace flipped her off behind her back. Alec reached over and slapped him. 

“You have?” Alec asked incredulously.

“Everyone gets curious.” Jace said, shrugging. “What I’m saying is that I don’t care. If you talk about your sex life, I’ll listen. If you don’t, I’ll respect that. What I’m more concerned about is if you’re happy, and if Magnus is making you happy.” 

“Of course he makes me happy. It’s just stress. Everything about this is ruining our lives. Our last fight was about...if I don’t make it.” Alec said quietly.

Jace froze, after his whole speech about being able to listen, he realized he could not listen to this. Jace took a deep breath, wanting more than anything to sell his soul to make Alec better again. Jace needed Alec in his life. He had been offered better positions with work in other states, even qualifying to be a detective, his dream job. Even before Alec’s diagnosis, Jace had declined all offers, knowing that if Alec didn’t move with him, he didn’t want to move at all. 

Jace cleared his throat, “So, like just talking about… like funeral plans?” He tried to rationalize it in his head.

“Not quite. Jace, if I end up so sick and my quality of life is nonexistent, I’m gonna end it.” Alec said, looking straight into his eyes with no hesitation or regret. 

“But… it’ll get rough for sure. I mean, I’ve held the puke bucket for you and I’ve seen you in a hospital bed, but that doesn’t mean it won’t go away.” Jace doesn’t know who he is without Alec, he’s never had to try. 

“It also might not. I’m not being pessimistic, I was given at most like five years? I don’t want to drag it out if the only thing keeping me alive is being hooked to a hospital bed. No one should have to live that way.” Alec said. 

Vacantly, Jace nodded, his thoughts too jumbled to even think clearly. 

“There’s something else…” Alec started.

Jace looked at him miserably, if there was anything more than this  _ he  _ wouldn’t survive. 

“Magnus is gonna fall apart. I need you to prevent that.” 

Jace shook his head, “We all will, Alec. There isn’t anything anyone can do.” 

“I know, but don’t let him mourn too much. If he finds another person to spend his life with, just make sure he doesn’t feel guilty about it. And make sure this person is up to scratch. He’s dated some real losers before he met me, and I don’t think I’ll relax if I know he’s gonna fall back into the same toxic cycle he used to be in.”

Jace wanted to deny everything coming out of his mouth, but he knew one thing to be constant between the two of them. They always had each other what they needed, and when they couldn’t rely on anything else, they could always rely on each other. This was a tall order, something Jace wasn’t sure he could carry through. But he’d try his best, because he knew if he were Alec, he wouldn’t even hesitate. 

  
  
  


Alec was feeling good when they left the hospital, claiming he didn’t feel too nauseous to walk a bit, that he needed to stretch his legs. It was early October, but Alec was dressed as if it was December. Jace wanted to poke fun at him, but his chest felt too heavy. 

“I don’t want to scare you, Jace.” Alec said.

Jace looked up at him, Alec was smiling softly at him, and Jace suddenly felt much younger than he has in a long time. “I’m scared of everything.” Jace confessed. 

Alec reached over and held his hand, Jace squeezed back in response. “Me too. But we don’t have to be scared of each other, right?” 

What Alec was asking was if they were still a team. If their bond was the same it had been in college, when Jace would punch guys in the face for calling Alec a fag. If they could go through Hell together and make it out on the other side.

Jace gave a small smile, “I don’t think anything can scare me as much as that hideous bald head of yours.” 

Alec laughed, and looked up at the sky with a kind of relief Jace wasn’t sure he could understand. Alec was fighting a battle Jace couldn’t join him on, something that he could sympathize with, but never empathize. He would try his best though, that’s just what brothers do.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ask for more Jace and you shall receive! 
> 
> So I was reading the Bane Chronicles and in one part Catarina tells Magnus that if things work out for them she wants to be his best woman, and in Queen of Air and Darkness she surprised him by actually being his best woman. Just wanted to share something that warmed me up and made me sappy. Thanks for reading!


	28. Chapter 28

**Alec**

  
  


Alec woke up with a smile, which was rare for him these days. His life was finally starting to calm down, his energy wasn’t so sluggish, and he felt... _ hopeful.  _ He stretched in bed, his joints popping. Looking over, he saw Magnus sleeping still. Blissfully, he watched him. He scrunched his nose in his sleep, twitching it like a bunny would. It was far too cute for Alec to handle. He leaned over and kissed his forehead, Magnus sleepily hummed his approval. Alec trailed his lips and softly kissed each closed eyelid, the tip of his twitching nose, each cheek. When he pulled back he saw Magnus watching him with a warm grin. 

“You missed a spot.” Magnus whispered, and then leaned in to kiss Alec. 

Slow, lazy, kisses turned into something more urgent. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec and dug his fingers into his back. Cradling Magnus’s face, Alec moved swiftly on top. Alec had missed this. He missed the sounds Magnus made, and the breathless gasps. He pulled back and Magnus chased his lips, nipping at his bottom lip. 

“Good morning.” Alec said, his voice gruff with sleep and desire. 

“It will be.” Magnus replied, and pulled Alec down on top of him again. 

  
  
  
  


Whistling, Alec flipped the pancake on the griddle. Magnus liked his pancakes a tad darker than golden brown, and his eggs over easy, with enough yolk to dip his toast in. He was picky on how he took his breakfast, but Alec had years of practice. 

“Be still, my heart.” He heard Magnus say as he walked into the kitchen. Alec turned around to see Magnus’s hair still damp from his shower, bare face, and covered only in his black silk robe. It was a lot to take in at once. Magnus came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning up he kissed Alec’s cheek. “I wish I could stay here all day with you.” Magnus groaned.

Alec smirked, “I guess you’ll just have to go throughout the day wondering what’s in store for tonight.” 

“You’re evil. I have no idea why I love you so much.”

“Could be that I make you breakfast after sex.” Alec replied.

Magnus scrunched his face and thought about it, “It could just be the sex.” 

“Yes, these rare mornings that I have the energy for it must really keep you going.” Alec said, suddenly bitter, then felt horrible for it. They were having a great morning together, moving together in harmony, there was no need for negativity.

Magnus squeezed him tighter, “Trust me, you keep me more than satisfied.”

“But I can’t-“ 

“I don’t care.” Magnus interrupted. “Alexander, every single day I have with you is a gift. I don’t take any of it for granted. Whether you’re waking me up for some, frankly mind blowing sex, or just holding me until we fall asleep.  _ I love you _ . I love every second of my time with you. Stop doubting me.” 

Alec closed his eyes, absorbing those words into his skin, through his bones, and every chamber of his heart. The force of Magnus’s love was overwhelming, yet not even a fraction of how much Alec loved him in return. 

“I love you too.” Alec replied softly. Magnus leaned up and kissed his lips, stroking his cheek as he pulled away. 

“Now, you finish cooking, and I’ll set the table.” Magnus patted Alec’s back end, winking as he walked away.  _ Minx _ …

When they sat down at the table, Alec saw Magnus had gone all out. A vase of flowers at the center of the table, he had set out their nice plates, and flutes instead of regular glasses for their orange juice. Alec raised his eyebrow when he saw, but Magnus had just smiled and said he was feeling generous from this morning. 

“So, what are your plans for today, darling?” Magnus said in between bites.

“I have a group meeting, and then Andrew and I are supposed to be doing something afterwards. I’m not sure what, he just had some errands to run and wanted me to come with.” 

“Sounds cryptic. Should I be expecting you to come home high again?” Magnus asked sarcastically.

“Andrew is more of a drinker.” Alec quipped back, and Magnus cracked a small grin, but still seemed tense. “Magnus?” 

“Would it be crazy to ask you to text me when you get to where you’re going? Just so I know where you are, just in case.” 

“It’s a little crazy.” Alec said mulishly.

“Please, Alexander.” Magnus begged. “I don’t like not knowing where you are. Especially since the seizure.” 

“Magnus…” 

“It’s just one text. For my sanity.” 

“Fine.” Alec pouted. “I don’t want to, but I will.” 

“You’re a good man, Alexander.” He teased, digging back into his pancakes. 

“What about you? What are your plans?” Alec asked, still feeling a little miffed at his constant supervision.

“Slow morning, which is fantastic because we get to have all of this today,” Alec smiled, then leaned over to kiss his jaw, his bitterness forgotten. It was hard to remember that everything that annoyed him was just his family trying their best to help him. “But my afternoon is crazy. I accidentally double booked myself, so I have appointments all day.”

“In or out of the office?” Alec asked.

“In, which is better. At least if I’m late I’m already there.” Magnus complained about days like this, but Alec knew he thrived in that environment. 

“Too busy to check your phone.” Alec murmured.

“Don’t even start with me, Alexander.” 

Alec chuckled, there was something sexy seeing Magnus all demanding and riled up. “I’m kidding. I’m really trying to understand your feelings, even if sometimes it annoys me.” 

“Don’t be afraid to tell me if you think I’m going overboard, but I probably won’t think I am and that you’re overreacting.” Magnus said teasingly, but Alec knew he wasn’t joking. “Open communication, right?” 

Alec nodded, but was distracted. Could he ask Magnus about the wedding? What if Magnus didn’t want to marry him anymore? He still wore his engagement ring, but maybe he just didn’t want to hurt Alec’s feelings. 

“Alexander?” Alec looked up, Magnus’s face was gentle but stern. “Talk.” 

Alec took a deep breath, and tried to start the conversation casually. “Well, you’ve been so busy lately, and I just didn’t know if you’ve thought about our wedding.” 

“I have put some thought into it, I thought maybe we’d wait a bit until we have more answers about your...condition.” 

“Sure, but you usually say that weddings can take up to a year or two to plan. Wouldn’t we want to start planning now?” 

“Yes, but what if the week before your wedding something happens? Then we would have to reschedule the whole thing, and then we lose deposits. I want to be able to pack up and go to the hospital if we need to, without the extra worry of moving things around for our wedding. I want to present, in this moment, with you.” Magnus explained. 

Everything he said made sense, Alec knew that. He even partly agreed with him. Alec would be fine with a courthouse wedding, but that’s never been Magnus’s dream. Alec wanted to give him everything he could have had if Alec had never gotten sick. Including a big, fancy wedding. With everyone’s eyes on Magnus. 

Another part of Alec was afraid. If they didn’t do it now, they never would get the chance. He was on a time crunch, and he didn’t have years to wait. If need be, Alec would be willing to be wheeled up the aisle in a hospital bed if it meant marrying this man. 

“Say something, please.” Magnus said, gripping on to Alec’s hand. 

“What if we don’t have that kind of time?” He quietly replied. Magnus’s hand gripped a little tight, Alec looked up and could see Magnus was trying to hold himself back, but he didn’t look like he was about to have a heart attack like he usually did when the topic was brought up. 

“I’m going to marry you. If I have to do it on the last day of your life, I will. If you left me before I got the chance to take your last name, I would never forgive you, you know.” 

Alec raised his brow, “You’re going to be Magnus Lightwood?” They hadn’t talked about what their name would be. Magnus Lightwood just didn’t sound right to him. 

Magnus made a face, “Alexander Bane?” 

“Bane-Lightwood?” Alec countered.

His face lit up, “Lightwood Bane. Magnus and Alexander Lightwood-Bane. Mr. Lightwood-Bane. I like that, let’s do that.” 

“My husband, Magnus Lightwood-Bane. It has a ring to it.” 

Magnus looked a little dazed, his face a picture of bliss. Alec gave him a questioning look. 

“It’s just, hearing you say ‘husband’, it’s perfect.” He said, slightly embarrassed. “I can’t wait to be your husband, and for you to be mine.”

Alec rested his head against his hand, “That’s what really gets me through treatments. Is knowing that it will all be worth it someday.” 

Magnus cleared his throat, trying to keep himself from crying, “I’m glad. I know that’s what gets me through too.” 

Alec smiled, basking in the simple perfection of their morning. Of their life together. 

  
  
  
  


“Captain America isn’t for America at all! He’s for himself!” Maia yelled at Simon.

“Which is the most American thing I can think of.” Raphael interrupted. 

“How is Captain America for himself? He’s the most selfless person there!” Simon argued.

“Most  _ selfless?  _ What about Tony? He spent millions of his own money for their equipment, helped design all of their super suits, and killed himself for them? Out of everyone, he was the one worthy of Thor’s hammer.” 

“Also, Tony saw Bucky murder his parents but Captain still fought against Tony! The fuck is that about?” Maia said.

“He was under mind control, Maia!” Simon replied.

“Was Tony supposed to keep that in mind while he watched his mother get shot?” 

Alec had to admit she had a point, but decided to stay out of this debate. 

“Then Captain gets his happily ever after after he’s literally done the  _ least  _ out of everyone there? 

“He fought in a war!” 

“He was their show pony! You cannot convince me that Captain America isn’t their most overrated superhero.” 

Aline snorted. 

“Got something to say, Penhallow?” Maia demanded, glaring at her. 

“Look, I don’t know about most overrated, but you guys are looking over the biggest mistake they made. Captain Marvel. I liked her, I like her character a lot, but what did she even add to the series? Like, in her movie, the biggest conflict was her lost memory? Then you’re prepared for this epic fight scene but it’s just her flying through ships. Then Nick Fury’s last phone call was to her so she could help save their world and where was she? She didn’t do anything! She flies in last minute, gets her ass kicked by Thanos yet she could destroy a whole fleet of ships?” 

“I think that just emphasized how strong Thanos was.” Alec added.

“And a human was the one who defeated him.” Aline finished. 

“Emphasizing the fact that you don’t have to be the strongest to do great things.” Simon said. 

Raphael rolled his eyes, “Alright, Simon. Let’s not try to get all life coachy on us.” 

“Whatever, meetings over anyway. Anyone have anything they’d like to say?”

“Team Ironman!” Maia and Aline called out. 

“Then we are good here. Just remember, all Marvel heroes are seen as equal through the eyes of our God, Stan Lee. Amen.” Simon said. 

Alec turned to Andrew, who had been quiet through the meeting. “So what’s the plan?” 

“I have an appointment later that I wanted you to come to with me.” He said hesitantly.

Alec frowned, “Is everything okay?” 

“It’s not a doctors appointment. It’s a meeting with a funeral home, to set up a plan if I die.” 

He couldn’t stop the gasp that came out of his mouth, and Alaric gave them a look as he left. 

“Wouldn’t you want Lorenzo for this?” Alec asked, still shocked.

“We aren’t really seeing eye to eye on this. He doesn’t want to think about it until he has to, and I want to make sure it’s all taken care of so he doesn’t have to do it. He’s going to have enough on his plate as it is.” Andrew said. Should he be planning this too? It wasn’t such a bad idea, and really it only made sense. 

They took a cab to the funeral home, from the outside it didn’t look like much, blending into the surrounding buildings. On the inside though, there was cool marble flooring and crisp white wallpaper. It was fancier than what Alec was expecting. 

“Hello! You must be Andrew. I’m Mitchell, the funeral director. This must be Lorenzo, your husband.” Mitchell said, extending his hand to Alec to shake. Mitchell reminded Alec of a frog. He was a large man, yet very short, Alec stood more than a head taller, with very little natural hair, his toupee was glaringly obvious. His suit looked to be expensive, but didn’t fit him right at all. 

“Um, I’m Alec. His friend.” 

“Lorenzo couldn’t make it today.” Andrew explained.

“Oh, this is unusual.” Mitchell said, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I wouldn’t worry about it. Alec here is also dying, so you might get yourself another customer soon.” Andrew said, playfully bumping into Alec. 

“Do you do cremation? I’m thinking about getting cremated.” Alec said, playing into Andrews' game. 

Mitchell’s face went red with embarrassment, and his forehead began to sweat. “Y-yes, we do have cremation. Let’s go to my office so we can discuss your arrangements.” 

Mitchell’s office was as nice as the rest of the home, but the desk was far too large for a man like him, looking like a child playing in their parents office. Mitchell and Andrew got to business, discussing prices and whether or not he wanted to be buried or cremated.

“If I get buried, can I buy an extra plot for my husband next to me?” Andrew asked. 

“Yes, of course. There are other options as well.” Mitchell continued. Would Magnus want to be buried next to each other? Alec wasn’t even sure he cared if he was buried or cremated. Whatever his family found easiest was fine by him. If they wanted a headstone to visit, he could be buried. If they wanted to spread his ashes or even keep them, they could do that too. He wanted to make sure to make this as painless as possible. 

“If you want to follow me, I can show you our selection of caskets.” Mitchell said, making it seem like they were out buying a car rather than a casket. 

The room was filled with caskets, different shapes, colors, models. It was slightly overwhelming. 

“This is the standard casket. Veneered wood with white satin. We do have metal caskets that come in a variety of colors and metal. Steel, copper, bronze.” 

Andrew nodded his head, deep in thought. “Do you mind if I test them out?” 

Both Mitchell and Alec looked as if he had grown a second head as he kept into a sleek silver casket. Laying down he put his arms over his stomach and closed his eyes. Neither Mitchell or Alec said anything, as Andrew tried to get comfortable.

“How do I look in this?” Andrew asked. Slowly, Alec caught on to what Andrew was trying to do. 

“It kind of makes you look fat. Try the black one, black is slimming.” Alec said, trying not to laugh. 

Andrew nodded and hopped into the black one, again positioning himself as a corpse. Alec nodded thoughtfully. “Better, but I think it’s too plain. Do you have any that are black with holographic glitter?” Alec asked Mitchell.

Mitchell had a deer caught in headlights look, “Um, I can’t say for certain.” 

“Look! This one is blue!” Andrew exclaimed. 

Alec and Mitchell turned to see Andrew get into a powder blue casket, his face full of mischief. 

“I think this one might be the one.” Andrew said. “It’s cozy.” 

Alec stood next to the casket and looked down at Andrew. “Here, let's roleplay. Close your eyes and act dead again.” Andrew quickly closed his eyes and Alec took a few steps back. 

He dramatically leaned next to the casket, clutching his chest. “Oh, Andrew! He was too young to die! He had so much to live for.” Alec cried, wiping away fake tears. “Cruel world to take away such a bright soul!” Andrew began to laugh from inside the casket. Alec scrunched his nose, “It's pretty hard to be sad next to a bright blue coffin.” Alec said. 

“Perfect! Mitchell? I think we’ll take this one.” 

  
  
  


“God, I can’t remember laughing so much. I thought Mitchell was going to have a stroke when you started to ask him about putting your ashes in a snow globe.” Andrew said, as they walked through the streets of Brooklyn. 

“I don’t ever pull pranks like that on anyone. Usually my brother Jace is the one to fuck around with people.” Alec replied, still chuckling. 

“You’re so good at them though! You seem so serious that people can’t help but believe you. Thanks for coming with me, I had a lot of fun. Which I never thought I’d say while planning my own funeral.” 

“No problem. It gave me a lot to think about for my own.” It had stopped surprising him on how easy it was to talk about it. 

“Have you thought more about the suicide thing?” Andrew asked, suddenly serious.

Alec shrugged, “I don’t think it’s for me. It’s a good option for some people, but I just can’t do that to my family. I have to let them have that hope.”

“Pretty selfless of you.” Andrew said. “I have to admit, it doesn’t seem so bad, now that I’ve thought about it.” 

“I can wait, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die anytime soon. But if I’m at the end, I don’t want to be strung along until I’m not me anymore.” 

“You’re pretty amazing, you know that? I’m glad I met you, Alec.” Andrew said, wrapping his arm around Alec’s shoulder. Alec hugged him back as they continued to stroll down the street. 

“I’m glad I met you too.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a light and fun chapter today! ❤️


	29. Chapter 29

**Maryse**

  
  
  


Maryse was still reeling at the new developments between her and Luke. She had willingly given him her phone number the last time they talked. An hour later she had received a text from him.

_ Thank you, Mar. See you soon. _

She had not replied, not wanting to seem too eager. She had already given up enough of her pride, she didn’t want to seem desperate too. Unfortunately just that one text left her wanting more. She wanted to know about his day, or if he still likes his coffee black with a splash of milk, or if he ever learned how to juggle like he always wanted to. 

Curiosity mixed with that familiarity was a dangerous combination for her, she didn’t really take well to strangers which is why she never really dated, and Luke wasn’t necessarily a total stranger. She knew how he got that scar on the back of his left hand, and that he was allergic to strawberries. However, she didn’t know if he had ever fallen in love again. She had no idea the struggles he had been through since she last saw him. She didn’t know the man he had become, but she wanted to. 

Would it be so horrible to get to know him again? He said it didn’t have to be a lifetime commitment, just trying to learn how to be friends again. If it didn’t work out it wouldn’t be like the first time. As long as she was expecting to get hurt she could bear it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


When Alec was first born she had these expectations for his life. He would be smart, he would be funny, he would have a successful career and a wife to love. The wife thing didn’t go as she planned, but the greatest things in life never do. She had known Alec was gay the summer going into his Freshman year of high school. Her and the kids had taken the day to go to the beach. Maryse had lounged in the sun while Izzy and Jace were playing volleyball. Alec had sat morosely at her side. He was a very serious boy, meticulous and introverted. Maryse had noticed that he had been acting differently, he didn’t laugh as often and was quick to anger. She had assumed it was a teenager thing. He hadn’t wanted to go play with the others, claiming Jace cheated in sports, she knew that to be true so she didn’t push him. 

They had sat in the shade under the umbrella and read, casually talking about their week. She noticed Alec was distracted though, glancing over every now and again to see his gaze fixed on the lifeguard. She had noticed he was very handsome, tan and strong with sun kissed blonde hair, and it did not escape her that  _ Alec  _ thought he was handsome too. 

It was like an epiphany on that beach. His lack of interest in dating, the way he’d wince when Jace tried to talk about girls, and the shy curiosity he had for that lifeguard. Her son was gay. 

It had worried her, she couldn’t deny that. Gay marriage was illegal at that time, and she had seen the radical religious groups protesting against people like her son. She had seen cases of people bruatally beating up gay people in the streets. The thought of her son being another faceless victim in a world full of oppression made her blood go cold. 

She had decided to let Alec come out to her on his own. He was sensitive, and any question of his sexuality he would see as an attack. Especially if he hadn’t come to terms of it for himself. Maryse had always been afraid for her children. For Alec, she was afraid of society scorning him and the purity of his love. For Jace, she was afraid that she was never going to be able to fix what had been broken in him. For Isabelle, she was afraid of her bright, and fierce spirit being crushed by those who couldn’t understand her.

Fear is natural when it comes to parenthood, and those expectations tamper down the fear. When they learned how to ride a bike, they would fall and scrape their knee, Maryse would kiss it and put them back on their bike. The fall was practically required, and to watch them cry and bleeding on the ground tore at her heart, yet she expected them to get back on and watch them soar down the street with their gap toothed grin. 

  
  
  
  
  


It was on a hectic Thursday afternoon, after several meetings with clients, a day in court, and a mountain of paperwork still not done, Maryse realized she didn’t want this anymore. Every day she stepped into this office she felt a decade older. She was tired, feeling like she'd been run into the ground. 

Earlier she had received a text from Magnus, a picture of Alec huddled in a large coat and scarf, looking completely irritated at the hayride Magnus had planned. Jace and Izzy were in the background making funny faces behind Alec’s back. These were the moments she was missing. 

She knew what she did was important, and that they needed people to do this job, she just wasn’t sure if she was the one to do it anymore. Which was a strange revelation for her, she had always had a one track mind for this. If Alec had never gotten sick she wondered if she’d feel the same. Her time seemed so precious now, and for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why she was spending it here. Frustrated, she grabbed her bag and closed up her office. The only ones left here were the night janitors, everyone else had gone home hours ago. 

“Late night again, Maryse?” The janitor, Teddy, asked as she walked down the hall.

“Is it late already? Funny, I thought I was leaving early.” Maryse replied.

Teddy laughed, “I supposed it is early for you. It’s not even ten o’clock yet.” 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with all my free time when I get home.” She quipped. 

“No handsome young men waiting at your door?” From any other man, that might sound creepy. Maryse knew Teddy though. He was in his sixties, working late nights so he could be with his wife, Eleanor, during the day at the nursing home. Eleanor had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and Teddy had wanted to stay close to her as often as he could, just so she wouldn’t forget him. 

“If you know any, please send them my way.” Maryse said, but one man flashed in her mind before she could stop it. 

“I’ve made a rule to stay away from all the handsome men in my life. I wouldn’t want my wife to be tempted to leave me for one of them.” Teddy laughed. 

Maryse smiled wistfully, though a pang struck her deep. She had never been loved the way Teddy loved his wife, and for a moment she despaired that she never would. It’s not like she had been going out of her way to meet someone, so she only had herself to blame. She was the one who agreed to enter a loveless marriage, she was the one who said nothing about his affairs, and she was the one who had yet to go out and find someone new. Everything bad in her life happened because of her. Grief overwhelmed her, and her life replayed viciously in her head, and she wasn’t proud of the scenes she saw.

  
  
  
  
  


What she did next was impulsive, and she tried to suppress the sour feeling of being clingy. She had sent a text to Luke asking him to call her when he was free, and two minutes later her phone was ringing. 

Again, she sat in a booth at Cleo’s, and again she sat waiting for Luke. This was a bad idea. She couldn’t be unhappy with her life choices if she continued to repeat them. She grabbed her purse and quickly got out of the booth, and from behind she heard, “Slow down. We haven’t even gotten into another argument yet and you’re storming out.” 

She closed her eyes and sighed, “This was a bad idea.”

“So you were going to stand me up?” Luke didn’t sound offended, just amused.

“I was gonna text you.” Maryse lied.

“Well, if you go that’s fine. I’m still gonna eat though, I’ve been on my feet all day and I’m starving.” He said, sitting down at the same booth Maryse was trying to leave. 

She hated herself for feeling sympathetic, “I had a tough day too.” 

Luke gestured to the spot across from him, silently encouraging her to stay. Somehow sitting down felt like going against everything she believed in, while at the same time it being everything she wanted. 

“You first.” Maryse said, opening her menu. 

“Well, we have a new nurse. She’s from Oregon, and decided to move to New York to start a new life. She’s so mean though I’m convinced she was kicked out of Oregon. Everyone in my department is complaining about her to me, and I really have no idea how to handle it. She’s a gem to the patients, and I know she’s highly competent in her job, but it’s just towards the other staff she’s a pain with.” Luke said. 

“So just take her into the office and say other nurses have made complaints about her.” 

“I would, but when they complain to me they’re afraid of me going forward with the complaints. They don’t want it to get worse.” Luke said, looking haggard. 

Maryse grinned, “You could pretend that you’re observant, and pull her aside saying you’ve noticed the tension. That way she thinks no one is out to get her, but also reinforce that you are the boss.” 

Luke laughed, “You don’t think I’m observant?” 

She shrugged, “Noticing and being observant are two totally different things in my book. You can read a person, but not the reasons behind it.” 

Luke stared at her, his mouth hanging open a little, “What an observant statement.” 

“Elementary, my dear Watson.” She quipped. 

The waitress came by to take their order, and this time Maryse ordered the barbecue bacon burger. 

“Is it observant to say you’re ordering junk because you had a bad day and need something to feel better?” Luke asked when the waitress left. 

“If I needed something to make myself feel better we’d be at a bar.” She replied. 

“Why did your day suck?” He asked, leaning forward, his head resting on his fist.

She hesitated, it’s not like talking about it would hurt anyone, and it wouldn’t be the first time she’s ever confided in someone. But with Luke everything felt more vulnerable, more open. She sipped on her sweet tea to stall.

“I think I’m going to quit my job.” 

“That’s a big step. What made you want to do that?” Luke asked, not seeming surprised at all. 

“I’m too old for this, I don’t have the energy I used to, but I’m also too young to retire. I just want to relax, and spend time with my family, but I can’t hang around them all the time. They all have their own lives.” She said miserably. 

“You can start a new career.” Luke suggested. 

She gave him a dirty look, “At my age?” 

“You make it sound like you have one foot in the grave.” Luke chuckled. 

“What could I even do now, Luke? Go back to school?” 

“I don’t see why not. Maybe go out and volunteer, find new interests. You may find out you really love gardening and become a landscaper.” 

Maryse scrunched her nose, “That would mean being outside during the summer and I hate-“ 

“The humidity, I know.” Luke interrupted with a wry grin. 

She smiled back, then exhaled trying to release the tension in her body. The waitress came back and set their food down, and Maryse’s stomach grumbled when she saw the greasy bacon and crispy sweet potato fries. She dug in immediately, and she nearly moaned at the taste of burger. Luke looked at her with amusement. 

“Better than a salad, huh?” 

“Salads can be delicious too.” She argued.

“Not at a diner. You think Cleo sat and debated with her cooks about what kind of salads to put on the menu? No. They argued on how many burgers they need or what type of fries to serve. Because this is a  _ diner. _ It’s food for the soul, not the body.” 

“When I have a heart attack I’ll let my doctor know my soul was thriving.” 

He gave her a soft smile, “That’s the point, Mar. To live your life happily. Maybe what makes you happy isn’t always the best decision, but you’ve been doing everything right for your whole life, and yet it feels wrong for you.”

“So the burger is a metaphor now?” She said sarcastically.

“Bear with me here. When was the last time you did something purely because it made you happy?” 

Maryse looked down at her burger and back up at Luke, he was already shaking his head. She pursed her lips and thought about it. 

“Well, a few years ago I went to a conference in Colorado. I took a side trip to the mountains and did some hiking. When I was there I swore to myself to do more spontaneous trips like that, but then when I got home I got so busy and I forgot all about it.” 

“So if you quit your job you’ll be able to travel more. Let’s put that in the pro list.” Luke said.

“Con is that I might not be able to make enough money to even leave the state if I quit my job.” She replied.

“Pro is that you’d have a new job. One that you love.” She didn’t like the way he was looking at her, a sort of admiration she couldn’t understand.

“I don’t even know what it is I love yet.” She argued.

He threw his hands up, “Don’t be difficult. You hate where you are now, you have an itch for something new, go out and do it. Take a couple of random college classes, go to lectures, randomly apply for side jobs. The world is your oyster.” 

She bit her lip, “You really think it’s that easy?” 

“You’ve already done this, Mar. You’ve taken every hit in your life and rolled with it, you’re the most level headed person I’ve ever met. I know you can do this.” 

She pondered for a moment, and the temptation to walk away from the stress of her job and only focus on the stress that is her home life was overwhelming.

“Let’s change the subject.” She said, her mind too full to contemplate.

“What would you like to talk about?” Luke said easily.

“You said you were there at my wedding. I invited Cleo, so I’m not surprised you knew, but why did you lie?” She asked. It was a question that haunted her. 

“It was a lie by omission. I really didn’t know the guy, I only knew you were marrying him. I just wanted to see if you looked happy, then I was going to let you go, move on.” He explained.

“Did I look happy?” She asked quietly. She couldn’t remember if she had been truly happy that day. That whole day had been a blur, she had told her mother that morning she wasn’t sure if she should marry Robert.  _ You’ll never find a more suitable man.  _ Her mother’s voice still rang in her head, more jarring than the church bells had been. 

“You looked...determined. You wore your gown like armor.” Luke replied, his eyes seemed to gaze far back into the past. “I actually went to your parents house the next day, asking to get in contact with you. I don’t even know what I would have said to you, but I needed to say something. They told me how happy they were for you to have found such an advantageous and loving marriage.” 

Maryse shook her head, “They never told me about that.” 

Luke barked out a sarcastic laugh, “I imagine not. I was promptly turned away, and it felt like the end of our road.” 

Maryse stared at her half empty plate, no longer hungry. Nothing made sense to her anymore. “If you were so in love with me, why’d you let me leave?” She asked brokenly. 

Luke shook his head, “I ask myself that too.” 

Maryse tried to absorb this new information, yet every way she put it, it didn’t seem to fit. Like the wrong piece to a puzzle. 

“Look, I’m not pushing you to jump back into a relationship. We are both different people now, and I respect that. I just want to be your friend, but if at any point that’s not what you want, tell me. We are playing by your rules.” 

Maryse nodded woodenly, that was the most she could handle. “I could use a friend right now.” 

Luke wasn’t her knight in shining armor, there was too much damage for him to be shining in silver in her eyes. But he could be her confidante, the understanding ear and soft smile. The person to walk steadily beside her, even from a distance. There was a mountain of time between them, and even more differences, but the climb didn’t seem so scary now. 

She had already withstood the avalanche.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, yes we’ve agreed that Luke was creepy. I don’t know why I wanted to write him like this. I guess I just wanted Maryse to know that someone out there loved her, even when she thought no one could.


	30. Chapter 30

**Magnus**

  
  


_ Winter Wonderland.  _ Magnus gagged at the theme his client had chosen. A horrendous theme complete with fake cotton snow, sleds, and candy canes. He had tried to design it as elegantly as possible, but he was only one man. There was only so much he could do. With two months left until their wedding it was impossible to change it now. 

“Oh, Magnus!” Dot sang through the intercom system from his work phone. He reached over and pressed the button. 

“Yes?” Magnus sang back. 

“There is a tall, handsome, young man here in the lobby waiting for you. With a tight, perky ass too.” She replied wickedly. 

Magnus laughed, his poor mood gone now that his Alexander was here. He practically skipped to the front, where a befuddled Alec stood waiting. Magnus sighed in pleasure at the sight of him, and was even happier to see a take out bag in his hand and a drink carrier in the other. 

“What are you doing here?” Magnus said happily, leaning up to receive Alec’s kiss. 

“I thought I’d bring you lunch today.” Alec replied, lifting up the bag. Magnus could smell the curry from their favorite Thai place. Magnus grabbed Alec’s hand and pulled him back to his office with a wink to Dot. 

Clary had designed the lobby of their business, saying that Magnus’s eye for design was too heavy handed. He had agreed hesitantly to let Clary take the reins, and only had a say for his own office. Which Magnus went all out for. Thick red Turkish rugs, dark golden walls covered in vintage style paintings with one accent wall of exposed brick. His desk was his place of pride, and he had splurged for it. He had found an antique partner’s desk with golden accents and instantly fell in love. Alec and Jace, however, hated the desk as they were the ones to haul it in. The only eyesore of the office was the corner filled with fabric samples and cork board covered in seating charts and catering menus. Alec had teased him that he was inspired by Ragnor’s office which Magnus had taken offense to. Ragnor’s office was drab and dark, Magnus’s was  _ vintage _ . 

Alec immediately threw himself on the plush leather couch after setting the food down on the coffee table. Magnus frowned and sat next to Alec, pulling his feet onto his lap. Lovingly, he stroked Alec’s leg. “Do you feel okay, darling?” 

Alec sighed, “Yes, just a little tired. I had to go into the office today, I forgot just how draining it was to listen to Raj speak.”

“Was he mean to you?” Magnus asked seriously. 

“Calm down, nothing happened. No need to go attack him.” Alec chuckled. 

“That didn’t answer my question.” Magnus replied.

“I mean, he wasn’t pleasant. But how nice can a barracuda really be, you know? He just bragged about how he’s trying to move up in the company and how I shouldn’t let my cancer bring me down as much as it has.” 

“I’ll kill him.” Magnus glowered. How dare Raj talk to Alexander that way?

“Actually, I think Imogen might beat you to it. She overheard him and in front of the whole conference room said that for as much as he talked she wished he were working from home too. That shut him up pretty quickly.” Alec laughed. “It put me in such a good mood that I decided to spread the joy. By bringing you lunch.” Alec sat up and reached for the bag, and handed Magnus his red curry chicken, and soda. “Dig in.” 

They ate in silence for a few moments, not the warm silence that soothes him. The itchy, tight silence that made Magnus’s skin crawl.

“So, we have dinner plans tonight.” Alec said out of the blue. 

“Oh? Lunch delivery and a date later tonight? Alexander, you spoil me.” Magnus said jokingly. 

“Well, it’s a double date.” Alec stalled. 

“That should be fun. Clary and Jace?” That was their normal double date companions. 

“No, actually.” 

“Isabelle and a new boyfriend?” Magnus asked excitedly. 

Alec gagged, “God no.” 

“Well don’t keep me in suspense. Who are we seeing tonight?” 

“Andrew called me earlier and thought it’d be nice to invite us to dinner with them.” Alec said nonchalantly. 

“Andrew? Lorenzo’s Andrew?” Magnus glared at Alec, hoping to burn a hole in his stocking cap. 

“You said you’d be willing to tolerate him.” Alec argued.

“I never said I’d sit down and eat with him! We’d kill each other before we even order appetizers!” 

Alec rolled his eyes, “Andrew said Lorenzo promised to be on his best behavior.” 

“What was it you said earlier? How nice can a barracuda be?” Magnus sneered. 

“Oh, stop it. Look, we’ll have fun. And if not I’ll fake being sick and we can head home.” Alec said. 

“I understand that you and Andrew are friends, I respect that. But there is nothing but contempt between Lorenzo and I.” Magnus explained. “He’s my nemesis. You don’t share dessert with your nemesis.” 

“Okay, fine.” Alec surrendered. 

Magnus sighed in relief, “So we can just tell them we made other plans for the night and then hopefully it’s never brought up again.” 

“I’m still going.” Alec declared. Magnus stared at him in shock. “Andrew’s my friend, Magnus. I’m not ditching, and they already made reservations.” 

“Agh!” Magnus groaned, throwing himself back into the couch. “You owe me. Big time. I’m talking about nightly foot massages and groveling for a month.” 

“You might enjoy yourself.” Alec said, but he was smiling. Magnus was a complete sucker for that smile.  _ Damn him.  _ There wasn’t anything Magnus wouldn’t do to make Alec happy, and if this is what Alec wanted then he knew he was powerless to deny him. 

Being in love was such a burden sometimes. 

“And if you don’t, I’ll give you more than a massage to make up for it.” Alec murmured. 

Magnus perked up, “Even-”

“ _ Yes.  _ Even that.” Alec said, blushing a deep crimson. 

Magnus hummed, considering his options. “I’ll go. As long as we can do  _ that  _ several times tonight.” 

Alec gaped, “I doubt we have the stamina.” 

“I can’t wait to find out.” Magnus flirted, and was pleased to see the blush return. Tonight wouldn’t be so bad, because it was going to end on a very,  _ very,  _ high note. 

  
  
  
  


**Alec**

“Do I look okay? This isn’t too much, is it?” Magnus asked for the tenth time. It wasn’t like Magnus to be insecure about his appearances. He knew when he looked good, and had no issue flaunting it. In the first few months they had started dating, he had nearly given Alec a heart attack when he showed up for drinks in a completely translucent black top. That was still Alec’s favorite shirt of Magnus’s. 

“You look perfect. Why are you worried? It’s just Lorenzo and Andrew.” Alec asked, putting his hand on Magnus’s waist as they walked towards the restaurant entrance. Lorenzo had picked it out, and Alec had figured Lorenzo would know the good food in the city. 

“Because I have to look better than Lorenzo. Not like it’s hard.” Magnus muttered.

Alec swatted him, “Now you’re just being mean. Best behavior tonight.” 

Magnus sighed, “I promise. Then we go home immediately.” 

Together they walked to the hostess and gave Lorenzo’s name for their seats. As she led them to their table Alec felt out of place. This place was fancier than he anticipated, and he couldn’t help but feel inadequate compared to the other people here. Especially with his obvious sign of cancer. He wasn’t surprised to see Lorenzo and Andrew already seated, flipping through their menus. 

“Hey guys!” Andrew called out happily. Alec was pleased to see Andrew had left his hat at home too. 

“Hey! Andrew, this is my fiancé, Magnus.” Alec pushed Magnus forward before pulling out his seat, on the opposite side of Lorenzo. 

“Nice to meet you. You know my husband already, of course but it’s nice to get to know you too.” Andrew said warmly. Alec sat down, with Magnus to the right of him and Lorenzo to his left. Andrew sat across from him, and he winked at Alec when he met his eye. They had joked on the phone beforehand to use hand signals if either felt the dinner was going south. Now Alec wasn’t so sure if it was a joke.

“Lovely to meet you too, Andrew. Alexander only ever has great things to say about you.” Magnus replied pleasantly. It didn’t slip Alec’s notice that he hadn’t even looked in Lorenzo’s direction yet. He kicked Magnus under the table discreetly. Magnus gave him the side eye but turned towards Lorenzo. “Always a joy to see you, Lorenzo.” Magnus said with reluctance.

“Likewise.” Lorenzo replied, not even looking up from his menu. Alec looked across to Andrew and crossed his eyes, making Andrew chuckle. 

“So, what’s good here?” Magnus asked. “I’ve never been here before.”

“I’m not surprised you haven’t been here, but everything is decent. I like their lobster, but if that’s not your style they do serve chicken strips.” Lorenzo said. 

Magnus jabbed Alec’s thigh underneath the table.

“Magnus loves seafood. We go to Cape Cod every summer for that alone.” Alec said. 

“That sounds fun. I wish Lorenzo and I took more vacations like that. Do you two travel often?” Andrew asked. 

“Not so much anymore, of course.” Alec replied. 

Andrew laughed, “Only as far as your IV?” 

“I’ve come to love the view from my couch. Much better than the view from my head in the toilet.” Alec joked. 

“I have a few magazines stacked in my bathroom so that I can read as I violently hurl.” Andrew said. 

“What a fun dinner conversation, but could we talk about something else?” Lorenzo interrupted.

The air was tense around them, eased only when the waiter came to take their order. 

“I’ll take a martini to start off with. Vodka. I’d also like the eight ounce steak, medium rare, with your side of mashed potatoes and salad.” Magnus ordered. Alec could only assume vodka was going to Magnus’s only saving grace for the night. 

“Um, I’ll take the scallops and baked potato.” Alec said. 

The waiter wrote that down and then turned to Andrew, “I’ll take the chicken strips with french fries, please. Extra ketchup.” 

Alec tucked his head down and grinned. Loving his friend a little more. Andrew looked back at him and discreetly stuck his tongue out. 

After the waiter left, there was a lull in conversation. Magnus was usually great at dinner parties, but he sat quietly as he sipped his drink. 

“So, Alec. How have you been? Andrew told me you had a seizure not too long ago.” Lorenzo asked. 

“I’ve been okay, I haven’t had another since. Dr. Garroway tells me that I should expect more though. So, that’s been a little scary. To not know when it’s going to happen.” Alec explained. “But my family has been great in supporting me. I couldn’t imagine doing this without them. Especially Magnus.”

Magnus smiled softly and squeezed his hand under the table. A reminder that he would never deal with anything alone. 

“Even when they annoy the hell out of me.” Alec continued wryly. Magnus scoffed and pulled his hand away. Andrew chuckled, but Lorenzo remained stone faced.

“I’d like to think I haven’t been too horrible, I’ve been as laid back as I can manage. That group though has made a huge difference in Alec. He always seems much more relaxed afterwards.” Magnus said. 

“Oh, yeah. Simon is great. I mean, everyone there is pretty cool, but Simon really holds us all together.” Andrew said. 

“How many group members are there?” Magnus asked. 

“Well, there’s Maia, who you know of.” Alec started.

“Who could forget?” Magnus muttered irritably.

“Rapahel, Aline, Maureen, Alaric, Meliorn, and then Andrew and I.” Alec continued, as if Magnus never spoke. 

“I do enjoy Aline.” Lorenzo said. “I met her one day when I went to pick up Andrew. You should hang out with her more, Andrew.” 

“Aline is nice.” Andrew said vaguely.

“She’s very upbeat. And supportive.” Lorenzo said pointedly. Almost as if he were pointing at Alec.

“So is  _ everyone  _ else.” Andrew gritted out. 

Alec shrunk a little in his seat, he glanced at Magnus and saw he was just as confused. Conversation after that was limited. Suffocatingly limited. It was actually incredible how long they could stretch out comments about the weather. 

It seemed like an act of God when their food arrived. 

Alec unrolled his napkin to put on his lap when he heard Andrew hiss, “ _ Lorenzo, no.”  _

Alec looked over to see Lorenzo pull out a ziploc bag filled with silverware from his satchel. Alec gave Magnus a look that every couple perfected with silent communication. 

“Andrew, be reasonable.” Lorenzo argued, and handed Andrew the ziploc bag. 

“This isn’t necessary.” 

“I disagree.” 

“I don’t care.” 

“Magnus,” Lorenzo turned towards Magnus, who was pretending to study his drink, “surely you know that Andrew and Alec’s immune system is weaker than ours?” 

Magnus nodded but still looked confused.

“I’ve worked in restaurants my whole life, in nearly every cuisine. We don’t know what happens in their kitchen, there are standards that need to be held, but not everyone follows them. I’ve worked in places where they pick the silverware up from the floor and give it to the customer. Dishwashers who sneeze without covering their mouth. I don’t want their germs in Andrew’s system.” Lorenzo explained. 

Andrew had his head in his hands, his face mortified. “So he brings silverware from home. He’s insane.” 

“I’m cautious.” 

“Oh, no.” Alec moaned when Magnus’s face seemed to morph with an epiphany. 

“Why didn’t I think of that?” Magnus exclaimed.

Lorenzo seemed to preen at Magnus’s attention. He reached into his satchel, pulling out several items.

“I always bring hand sanitizer, surgical gloves, plastic bags just in case he needs something to throw up in, and his medications.” 

“Oh my god, stop. Please.” Andrew begged.

“I always bring a bag of things to Alec’s appointments, but I never thought about carrying it with me when we go places.” Magnus said with interest.

“Lorenzo, please stop.” Alec joined in. Lorenzo and Magnus ignored them both, instead discussing different sanitation methods. Alec looked to Andrew desperately and began to signal wildly with his hands. 

“Are you having another seizure, Alexander?” Magnus asked with concern.

“I know the quickest way to the hospital.” Lorenzo said seriously.

Alec deflated, across the table he saw Andrew mouth out “ _ I’m sorry.”  _

_ “Me too.”  _ Alec mouthed back. He slumped back against his chair, debating on whether or not to actually fake a seizure. It seemed easier than to sit here listening to Lorenzo and Magnus at this point. 

The food was excellent, and they even stayed for dessert. On their way out, Lorenzo and Magnus swapped numbers and planned to meet up again on their own, to Alec and Andrews’s surprise. 

“This was a nightmare.” Alec quietly said to Andrew.

“I thought Lorenzo would just sit there and pout all night. I didn’t know he’d be like this.” 

“Magnus didn’t even want to come. I had to bargain with him to get him here. Do you know what morally depraved things he’s going to have me do later in bed?” Alec blushed just thinking about it. 

“God, if it’s anything like what I had to do  _ before  _ we came here… you’re going to have a lot of fun.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. It’s been a while. Very sorry about that. I haven’t been feeling very well emotionally lately. But I’m ready to start up again! 😊


	31. Chapter 31

**Isabelle**

  
  


She had a complex relationship with men, she was self aware enough to admit it. She adored men, every physical aspect of men. She loved the broad shoulders, or the slender ones, the toned flat abs, or even a man with some squish to him. She wasn’t picky on whether he was blond or brunette, tall or short, fat or skinny. The only thing Izzy held to an unreachable standard was conversation, and commitment. Could she hold a meaningful conversation with the man, and could she see herself monogamous with him? The answer was almost always a resounding no. 

Her date sitting across the table from her flew far past a simple “No.” and had landed himself somewhere between, “I want to watch buzzards pluck your eyes out.” and “If I have to hear one more story come out of your stupid face, I will jab the salad fork in my ears.” 

He was nice enough, polite and held the restaurant door open for her. He was just so... _ dull.  _ No matter what she said he stared impassively back, frowning when she spoke too loudly or laughed too hard. At her own jokes, because hers were hilarious. Not his. 

“So, Isabelle, are you enjoying your classes? You know becoming a doctor is difficult, right?” Her date, Dustin or Justin maybe, asked. That was another thing about this guy. He was condescending as hell. 

She smiled, her jaw clenched hard enough to shatter glass. “My 4.0 GPA average tells me I’m up for the challenge.” 

His eyebrows rose, “Impressive.” 

“Thank you.” She replied, slightly pleased with the obvious admiration in his tone. “So what made you want to go into…” she trailed off, not even sure what exactly he did. 

“I work in computer programming.” He said, not giving any other information.

“Cool, cool.” Izzy said, nodding, wishing Dustin would hurry up and finish his meal so they could leave. Separately. “So what are your plans for Thanksgiving?” 

He shrugged, “Same dinner planned with my family like every year. We don’t really make a big deal out of it.” 

“Oh, we take every holiday very seriously in my family. Both of my brother's partners are event planners, and since they have joined the family it’s gotten even bigger every year. This year I’m the one helping my mom, not to cook though. I’m practically banned in the kitchen, just to cut vegetables and put things in the oven. Maybe even take things out of the oven if I’m feeling daring.” Izzy laughed, already anticipating the holidays. She was even excited to help. Magnus was busy with Alec, as he should be. Izzy would be highly disappointed in him if he wasn’t. Clary was busy finishing anything Magnus couldn’t at work. Jace was as bad, if not worse, than Izzy when it came to cooking, but she would be on holiday break from school shortly, which would leave her far more time than anyone else. 

“Why are you helping instead of them?” He asked, not looking too interested at all. 

“My brother has cancer, so everyone has their hands full.” Izzy said. It got easier to say it out loud, which was something she thought would never happen. It wasn’t shocking anymore, they had all adjusted their lives around that fact, making it hard to remember a time when he wasn’t sick. 

“Oh.” Dustin stiffened, and leaned back. “I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“It’s okay, we are all just so worried about him.” 

“Is that why you want to be a doctor? To help him?” He asked

“He wasn’t the reason, I already decided before he got sick, and I’m not even going for oncology. I don’t know if I want that, even if I can help other people like him.” It was a rare moment of vulnerability for her, and she didn’t understand why she chose him to open up to. She had played with the idea in her head about becoming an oncologist, after seeing the destruction it left with her own family, helping others like them almost seemed natural. 

But what if she couldn’t save others? What if every day of her life she watched other people like Alec die? What if she was helpless to save their families from grief? How could she look at a patient with professional indifference and not get emotionally attached when someone has her brother's same story? 

Dusting shrugged, “Maybe that will change when he dies. You’d be more motivated.” 

Dinner came to a screeching halt. 

“Excuse me?” Izzy asked, rage bubbling near her skin. She felt flushed, her hands shaking, she was ready to destroy this man. The sounds of the restaurant rattled her nerves, the tinkling of glasses, quiet laughter and murmuring, the sweet song of the piano near the back. 

“I mean, I don’t know how long he has left, but cancer is pretty serious. I just assumed it was bad, my apologies.” He said, not looking apologetic at all.

“So you think my brother dying would somehow benefit me? That it would motivate me to be a better doctor?” She seethed. 

“That’s not what I’m saying. Look, you’re blowing this out of proportion. Forget I said anything.” He said. “We were having a really nice time tonight, why did you have to get all crazy?” 

“ _ Crazy?  _ You’re treating my brother's life like it’s just some obstacle!” 

“Lower your voice.” Dustin glowered. 

Izzy stood up from her table, aware of everyone looking at them. Good. 

“Excuse me!” She called out, getting everyone’s attention. The pianist stopped her song, turning in her bench to stare. Everyone here seemed far too fancy for her, and they knew it. They stared at her with disdain for ruining their overpriced meal. 

“Izzy sit down!” Dustin hissed, face red with embarrassment. She smiled at him, and raised her glass of wine. 

“I would just like everyone here to know that if you’re eating alone, my date is free for you to have. He’s a narcissistic asshole, but he’s easy on the eyes. If this at all appeals to you, I wish you luck!” She ended her speech with a flick of her wrist, splashing the rest of her wine on his face. She grabbed her purse and stormed out. Passing waiters moving quickly to the side to keep out of her way. 

The cool November air did little to soothe her anger. Her heels clacked on the sidewalk, she sped up and reached into her purse for her pepper spray. She didn’t really know Dustin too well, and wanted to be prepared if he decided to follow her. 

She was a few blocks away when her adrenaline started to disappear, and noticed she left her jacket back at the restaurant. She folded her arms around herself and shivered. 

“Hey? You okay?” She heard a man's voice say. She gripped her pepper spray, unlocking the cap for quick use. When she turned around she saw...a very non threatening looking man. He had a green jacket on, with a scarf that had lightsabers embroidered on wrapped around his neck, and glasses.

He raised his arms when he saw the pepper spray, “I’m not going to do anything. You just look cold, and a little bit afraid and didn’t know if you needed help.” 

“I’m fine.” She bit out. 

The man nodded, “Okay, then have a wonderful night.” He stood on the curb and raised his arm, trying to hail a cab. When one pulled next to him he opened the back door and gestured to her. She raised her eyebrow at him.

“You expect me to get in a cab with you?” She asked. 

“No, I got this one for you. My apartment isn’t too far from here, so I was walking to the convenience store for some snacks.” 

“I don’t need your help.” She said.

Again, the infuriating man nodded then reached into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet. He handed the cab driver a wad of cash, which the driver eagerly took.

“I just paid for the ride, so you’re free to get into the warm cab, and get home safely. Or you can keep walking and the driver gets free cash to take home to his family. Really, it’s a win either way, but I’ll leave it up to you.” 

“Why are you trying to help me?” Izzy asked, she loosened the grip on her pepper spray. 

“Because tomorrow morning I could see on the news that a lone young woman wearing a black dress was attacked in an alley by a group of men. And I would have to live with the fact that I saw her pass by me, cold and holding onto her pepper spray for dear life, and I did nothing.” He explained. “It’s purely for selfish reasons, so don’t think of this as charity.” 

“You’re not into charity work?” She stepped closer to him, and glanced into the cab. The driver didn’t seem impatient at all, and it made her wonder just how much cash this man had given him. 

He shrugged, “I do what I can.” 

“Like pay for random women’s taxi rides. Are you expecting my number now?” She asked bitterly.

He shook his head, “Not at all. I don’t even expect to get your name. But, anyway I do have to leave. I have a group of friends waiting for me at home, and I promised to pick up some food. It was nice meeting you.” 

He walked away, his hands in his pockets. He didn’t even look back at her. 

“Hey!” She called out, he turned to face her. “My name is Isabelle. It was nice meeting you too.” 

He smiled, “Simon.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The cab pulled up to her mother's apartment, she was staying there over Thanksgiving break since the dorms were closed. She wasn’t surprised to see her mom still awake, pretending to not be waiting up for her. 

“How was the date?” Her mom asked from the couch. She was in her pajamas, a mug of tea in her hands, and a soft fleece blanket on her legs. Izzy kicked her heels off and laid next her mother, her head resting on Maryse’s leg. 

“Awful. He was such a prick.” 

Maryse hummed in sympathy, stroking Izzy’s head the way she used to when she was younger. “So no second date, huh?” 

“Considering I threw my drink on him, no.” 

Maryse laughed, “What did he say to make you so angry?” 

Izzy didn’t even want to repeat it, especially to her mother. So she gave her a half reason. “He kept telling me how difficult being a doctor would be, and if I was sure I was going into the right profession.” 

“Misogyny at its finest. I remember when I was going to law school I would get such grief over it. I was told a woman just didn’t have the tenacity to make it in a courtroom.” 

“What did you do to get them to stop?” Izzy asked.

“I didn’t do anything. At times I almost let it define me. Then I remembered what I was doing it for, and how sweet the revenge would be when everyone who doubted me watched me win my first case. And all the others too, not to brag.” Maryse said impishly. “It’s tough, but in some ways it makes it worth it.” 

“I hope that’s the case for dating too.” Izzy said. 

“Mm, well I can’t help you much there.” Maryse replied, sipping her tea. Izzy sat up to watch her mom. She was still a beautiful woman, successful and intelligent as well, and Izzy couldn’t understand why men weren’t lining up down the street for her. 

“Have you dated since dad passed?” Izzy asked.

“God, no.” Maryse said, scrunching her nose. Maryse looked at Izzy’s confused face and quickly continued, “My marriage to your father was enough for me. I don’t need anything more.” 

Izzy’s chest constricted. Maryse didn’t know about her dad cheating on her. While Maryse sat at home thinking her father was her soulmate, Robert was out sleeping with his assistant. 

“Why not? There isn’t anyone else in your life you’d want to try again with?” 

Maryse’s cheeks burned bright red and Izzy squealed in delight. “There is! Who is he?” 

“It’s no one.” Maryse replied, but the buzz from her phone grabbed both their attention. Izzy lunged for the phone, while Maryse tried to swat her away. Running behind the couch away from her mother Izzy read the text out loud. 

“ _ Maryse, I was wondering if you’d like to join me next Saturday for the new museum exhibit on ancient predators? My treat.”  _ Izzy whirled around to look at her mom. “Mom! You have a boyfriend?” 

“No! He’s an old friend.” Maryse said, reaching for the phone, Izzy pulled away reading more of their texts.

“Wait! This is Alec’s doctor! You’re dating his doctor?” Izzy exclaimed. 

“He was my friend way before he was Alec’s doctor.”

“Then how come we’ve never met him?” Izzy demanded.

“We had a falling out years ago.” Maryse said.

“Then you reconnected when Alec got sick?” She asked. She wasn’t mad. She really didn’t care who her mom dated, as long as he treated her the way she deserved.

“Something like that. Look, we aren’t dating. We occasionally text. That’s it.” 

“And go to museums together.” Izzy said, typing out a text to Dr. Garroway.  _ Can’t wait. See you then.  _

“Isabelle Lightwood, don’t you dare!” Maryse yelled. Izzy pressed send in response. 

“You have a date.” Izzy sang. 

“Not a date! I would not ever date him again.” 

“ _ Again?  _ You used to date? When?” Izzy asked. Maryse groaned and sat back down on the couch, lowering her head into her hands. 

“Before I even met your father. A long time ago. His parents were close friends and business partners with my parents, and when the business went under we fell apart.” 

“Oh, mom this is amazing!” She rushed to sit next to her mom and hugged her. “You and I are going to go shopping tomorrow so we can pick out a new outfit for you. Then Friday we will go to get our hair and nails done. You are going to knock his socks off.” 

“For the last time, this is not a date!” 

Izzy wasn’t convinced, and she wasn’t sure her mom was either, given the hopeful sparkle in Maryse’s eyes. Izzy had never seen her mother look like this before, blushing and stuttering over a  _ man.  _ She couldn’t help but want this to be a date, for her mom to see what it felt like to be the center of attention. As long as Dr. Garroway kept her mom smiling, Izzy would approve of him wholeheartedly. 

And maybe then the guilt of what she had done would stop eating her away. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little teaser of Sizzy. Was feeling nice. 😊


	32. Chapter 32

**Alec**

  
  


Miracles. The biggest bullshit story optimist’s and privileged people try to shove down the throats of everyday civilians. Given his diagnosis, he had been told about these supposed miracles several times. That God would grant mercy on him, that he would pull through and beat this disease. 

Alec was pretty sure he hated them more than actually being sick. 

Yet, maybe there was some truth to it, because his small miracle came to form from a phone call from Dr. Garroway on a bland Tuesday afternoon. 

“Would you mind stopping by today? I want to discuss a new treatment plan that’s come to my attention. Say around two o’clock?” The doctor had said, and Alec could hear the excitement in his voice, and it trickled into Alec’s own chest. 

It wasn’t until he had gotten out of the shower and grabbing his clothes did he remember an important factor to this. Magnus. This call was everything Magnus had been hoping for, and Alec knew he could not go another minute without telling him. 

Eagerly, he got dressed, feeling the need to sprint to Magnus’s office and kiss him senseless, to watch his face light up when he hears the news. He rushed out the door, nearly knocking into pedestrians on the street in his haste. He had forgotten his cap so his bald head was on display and he was quickly forgiven. Cancer had its perks. 

When he got to Magnus’s office, there was a fluttering of excitement. Not the kind he was experiencing, it was more of an apocalyptic environment than anything. 

“Hey, Alec. Welcome to Hell.” Dot called out, clutching a box of vases to her chest. 

Alec grimaced, “Bad day?” 

“The worst. A bride is threatening to sue our company because of a miscommunication on the theme, and another bride just found out she was pregnant and is moving her wedding up six months so her religious grandmother doesn’t know she’s not a virgin. How’s your day?” Dot grumbled. 

“Actually, my day is looking up. Is Magnus busy? I really need to talk to him.” Magnus would never forgive him if he went alone, and certainly if he didn’t even tell him in the first place. He had made that mistake before, several times in fact, and he didn’t want to put his fiancé through that again. 

“He is incredibly busy, but I’m sure his schedule will clear once he finds out you’re here.” Dot joked. 

“Sorry to leave you short handed but I’m going to need to steal him away for an hour or so.” Alec said sympathetically. 

Dot sighed theatrically, waving him off to Magnus’s office. He could see why Magnus admired her so much. 

He knocked on his door quickly, before letting himself in. Magnus looked up from his desk, and smiled when he saw Alec. 

“Good afternoon, darling. I wasn’t expecting you today.” He stood up and walked to Alec, pulling him in for a kiss. “What brings you by? Not that I’m complaining.” 

“I have an appointment today with Dr. Garroway and I didn’t know if you would be able to come with me.” Alec explained. Magnus tensed up in his arms, and pulled back slightly, fear crossing his face. 

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked. 

“Nothing, in fact it could be good news.” Alec said quickly, trying to comfort Magnus. “He said he might have something new we can try for me, and he just wants me to come down to discuss it. It’s okay if you can’t make it, but I wanted to give you the option.” 

Magnus gasped, “Oh, Alec! Of course I’m coming, I wouldn’t miss this.”

Magnus pulled back in a daze, and rushed to his desk. “I just have to cancel a couple of things. What time do we need to leave? You know what, I’ll ask Dot to do it. Let’s go!” He pulled on his jacket, and then tugged at Alec’s hand, dragging him into the front lobby. 

“Dorothea!” Magnus called out. “I need to leave, Alec has a doctor's appointment that I can’t miss.”

“I already canceled your whole afternoon.” Dot yelled back from her desk. Yes, Alec could definitely see the appeal of her. 

Though Alec went willingly with Magnus, he still pulled as if he wasn’t walking fast enough. He talked enthusiastically the whole cab ride, making up wild stories on what the treatment could possibly be. Alec shuddered at his theory of laying in a tub of spiders for detoxing. Though, to keep Magnus smiling like this, he could probably handle any obscene treatment available.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“So, as you know I’ve been looking for a doctor that can help you better than I can, and I think I found one.” Dr. Garroway said.

The doctor turned his computer screen to face them across the desk, showing a scan of his brain. 

“This first image here is the first scan we took, and here is the one we took last week.” The doctor explained, circling around where the tumor was.

Magnus kicked his leg discreetly, and Alec winced. He forgot to tell him about that scan he had last week. 

“As you can see, it looks just slightly smaller.” 

“Are you saying it’s going away?” Magnus asked hopefully.  _ Please don’t get his hopes up,  _ Alec thought. 

“No, I’m saying there is improvement. With this in mind, there’s a surgeon in Dallas, his name is James Carstairs, he took a look at your file and is willing to perform surgery. So long as the tumor keeps shrinking, or at least doesn’t grow any larger.” Dr. Garroway smiled brightly at Alec. “Don’t get me wrong, this will be completely experimental, and you’re going to have to sign a stack of legal waivers, but it’s possible.” 

“So, even if I get the surgery, I could still die?” Alec asked. Magnus gripped his hand even tighter.

“This is major surgery, there’s always a chance. It’s up to you though. You don’t have to decide now though, you can think it over.” Dr. Garroway assured him.

“But, if the surgery is successful, Alec will be okay?” Magnus asked, his voice small and vulnerable. 

“I don’t see any reason for Alec not to be able to live out the rest of his life.” The doctor said. Logically, Alec knew this to be great news. Yet, a dark spot in his mind kept repeating  _ Why me? _ Why should he be the one to live when he knew so many other deserving people. 

Magnus covered his mouth with his hand, and Alec reached over to rub his shoulder. “Thank you.” Magnus choked out. 

“When would I be able to see Dr. Carstairs?” Alec asked, the information not fully setting in yet. He had been so sure he was going to die, the prospect of living feeling strange. 

“Well, you’d have to set up an appointment with him for an evaluation. Unfortunately, you’d have to travel to him.” 

“That’s not a problem.” Magnus said quickly. “He could be living in the jungle and we’d still go.” 

“For the surgery, it’d probably be a few months at the earliest. They are going to want to keep track of your progress.” Dr. Garroway said. “I think we found it though, Alec. I really think this is going to work.” 

Just earlier that day Alec was thinking that this was everything he had wanted. So why was he filled with dread?

  
  
  


**Magnus**

  
  


The ride home was quiet, but Magnus couldn’t stop himself from touching Alec. A stroke on the arm, running his fingers through his hair, any little touch or movement just to remind himself that this was real. 

“Are you okay?” Alec asked when they walked into their loft. 

Magnus gave him a questioning look, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Alec shrugged, looking embarrassed, “You haven’t said anything since we left the hospital.” 

Magnus sighed, he held Alec’s face in his hands and softly kissed his lips. “I just found out that the love of my life is staying with me. Darling, I am speechless with my joy. How do you feel?” 

“Confused.” Alec admitted. “I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet.” 

Magnus could understand that, “Alexander this is a good thing. We can finally-” He was interrupted by loud, impatient knocks at the door. 

“Are you expecting anyone?” Alec asked, walking to the door to open it. 

Behind the door was the whole family. Izzy walked through first, followed by Jace and Clary, and even Maryse. 

“Dot told me you had left suddenly to go to the hospital with Alec. Is everything okay?” Clary asked. Maryse had already reached Alec, fussing over him and looking for any injuries. 

“Were you guys waiting for us?” Alec asked. 

“Across the street at that little bodega. I would have used my key but Clary said that was impolite.” Izzy said. 

“Now, what happened?” Jace asked. “Did you have another seizure? Why didn’t you call us?” Magnus could tell Jace was trying not to act hurt, but it was easy enough to read right through him.

“It’s incredible news.” Magnus reassured them. 

“The tumor is gone?” Jace asked incredulously.

“It’s still there.” Alec said, and everyone seemed to deflate.

“How the hell is that ‘incredible news’?” Maryse asked. 

“Because it’s shrinking.” Magnus exclaimed, feeling happier than he had in months. 

Izzy started to scream and jump up and down, Jace covered her mouth with his hand but it did little to help. 

“Even better,” Magnus continued, “Dr. Garroway found a surgeon to remove the tumor entirely.” 

At that, everyone began to cheer, even Maryse who had always been calm and collected. They had all been so afraid, counting each second with Alec like misers. To feel this weight being lifted felt like flying. 

Magnus wouldn’t have to say goodbye,and every dream they had felt within their reach. He would get to grow old with him, and cuddle their children underneath a blanket fort in the living room for movie night, and every night he would get the privilege of falling asleep in his arms. 

“Let’s celebrate.” Clary suggested. “How does takeout and champagne sound? We can go back to that bodega and actually buy something. It might make the store owner a little less upset with us.” 

Magnus smiled, and he just might never stop. “Sounds perfect. Any preferences on what we eat tonight, Alexander?” 

“What? Oh, it doesn’t matter too much to me. Surprise me.” Alec said weakly, obviously not paying attention. 

Jace nudged his shoulder, “C’mon buddy, lighten up. This is the best thing we’ve heard in months. How come you aren’t as stoked as we are?” 

“He was actually just discussing with me before you hooligans dropped in that he was still in shock. It might take a couple of days for the information to fully sink in.” Magnus joked. Of course Alec would be just as happy as them. 

“You’ll have to thank Dr. Love for us, mom.” Izzy laughed, and Maryse swatted her. 

“That’s right!” Magnus crooned. “There is that small flame between you two.” 

“Nothing is happening.” Maryse stated firmly.

“They have a date this weekend.” Izzy sang.

“Are you bringing him to Thanksgiving?” Jace asked, grinning. “Are we getting a new step-dad?” 

Maryse blushed, “Of course not!” 

“Dr. Garroway is nice. I don’t see a problem even if you were dating him.” Alec said. He was lounging on the couch, blanket pulled up to his shoulders, Magnus sat down next to him, resting his back against his chest. 

“Let’s not talk about me.” Maryse said firmly. “Instead, tell me more about this surgeon.” 

Magnus launched into the story of James Carstairs, content for now to let the subject of Maryse and the doctor drop for now. With every word Magnus spoke the family seemed transfixed, as if he were telling fairy tales. Magnus couldn’t blame them, this day felt more like a dream than anything else he’d ever experienced. Alec was unusually silent, letting Magnus fill in every blank, only chiming in when asked questions directed towards him. 

Magnus pushed aside the uneasy feeling, focusing on this blessing they’d been gifted. Everything was fine. 

Alec was fine. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! Terribly sorry about the delay! ❤️


	33. Chapter 33

**Luke**

  
  


_ “Careful with that one, Lucian. She’s candy coated heartbreak.”  _ His grandfather had told him decades ago, when he was a boy of sixteen who couldn't keep his eyes off of Maryse Trueblood. He wasn’t sure how it had happened, they had been friends their whole life, but one day Luke had taken one glance at her and realized that he couldn’t look away. 

Now, as Maryse Trueblood strode confidently up the steps of The Museum of the City of New York, he wondered how he had ever managed to leave her to begin with. How had he ever survived without this? 

She slowed as she reached him near the entrance, trying to hide her nerves, “Hello, Lucian.” 

His heart fluttered in his chest, her smile was soft and warm, matching that mouthwatering vanilla perfume she still wore. “Hello, Mar. I’m really glad you could make it. You look beautiful.” 

She had her hair down today, flowing down her shoulders in soft waves, and she was dressed casually in black skinny jeans cuffed at the ankle with booties, and a simple gray sweater. He felt underdressed in his denim jeans and sweater, would she think he wasn’t trying?

God, he hadn’t been this nervous over a date in years. Only Maryse had managed to do this to him.

They didn’t say much as they walked inside, until Luke insisted on paying for their tickets.

“You don’t have to do that.” Maryse argued.

“I’m being a gentleman.” Luke replied, handing the clerk his credit card.

“I have my own money.” Maryse scoffed, crossing her arms.

“You’re going to need to save that money for when you buy me dinner after this. I have a big appetite.” Luke joked. 

“I didn’t realize I had cleared my whole day for you.” Maryse said. Luke took her arm gently and led her into the museum. 

“You didn’t. But I was hoping that you would.” Luke responded honestly.

He was walking a thin line, one he wasn’t sure he could manage. He wanted Maryse to come to him, to be comfortable in doing so, especially after their tumultuous history. He equally wanted, however, to skip all forms of early reintroductions, and root himself back into Maryse’s life.

But only if she wanted him as much as he wanted her. 

Maryse had always been the one that got away, his biggest regret. He had tried to move on, and had a few serious relationships so far, but yet they all fell short of what he once had with her. He wasn’t sure what it was about her, that made him go crazy like this.

She was smart, but so were so many others. She was beautiful, but he had known other beauties. She was funny, but he had laughed just as hard with other women. Maybe it was the way she scrunched her nose when someone said something she didn’t like. Or the way she closed her eyes when she ate something delicious. 

Whatever it was about her, Luke couldn’t deny he was addicted to it. 

“You’re pushing your luck, Garroway.” Maryse quipped, but it was without the usual heat she spoke with him, so he took it as a good sign. 

“I hope you know how happy I am that you’re here.” Luke told her again. “I’m also a little surprised if I’m being honest.” 

Maryse laughed, “So am I.” 

“So what made you say yes?” Luke asked. 

“Well, actually it was Isabelle who texted you back saying I would go. I’m not sure why she got involved.” Maryse said. 

Luke raised his brow, “So I have Isabelle to thank? I’ll keep that in mind. You could have canceled, I wouldn’t have been mad.” 

“I-I didn’t want to be rude.” Maryse replied. 

“That’s so strange, because I distinctly remember you giving me a piece of your mind every time I’ve seen you..” Luke joked, and was absurdly pleased to see the deep blush on her face. She didn’t respond, pretending to be interested in one of the vases on display. 

He nudged her shoulder with his own, “Just admit it. You like me. Just a little bit.”

“No!” She yelped, and several people whipped their heads around to stare. “That’s not what’s happening.” She said quietly. 

“You like me, you really like me.” Luke sang. 

Maryse backhanded his stomach, hard enough that he let out a surprised “ _ Oof.”  _

“What are you, twelve? I thought you’d be a little bit more mature by now. Especially for a neurologist.” She scoffed. 

“What can I say? I’m a multifaceted person.” He teased. Maryse shook her head, trying not to laugh. “For what it’s worth, I like you.” 

Maryse looked at him, measuring him up. “I will only concede so far. I won’t say I like you, but I will admit that you’re… not horrible to be around.” 

Luke threw his hand to his chest, and gasped in fake shock, “Is this Maryse Trueblood...complimenting me? Here, let me write this down, it needs to be documented for future historians.” 

Maryse shook her head and laughed, “Just for that, you can be the one paying for dinner tonight.” 

He smiled, “I’d be happy to.”

  
  
  
  


While Luke was sure the exhibits were wonderful and informative, he was so busy talking with Maryse that he couldn’t pay much attention to anything else. He was pretty sure they had already passed the ancient predator exhibit, but he was far too happy to even care. It wasn’t like the old times they had together, it was even better. 

He let her lead the way, and stopped occasionally to read about the artifacts. One had piqued Maryse’s interest, about Neanderthals in Europe. 

“Look at this Lucian.” She said, wandering over to the display. Like a faithful dog, he followed. 

“Fossils discovered have shown evidence of  _ cannibalism.  _ Even more disturbing, there is no solid proof of any kind of ritual or famine, leading scientists to believe that this was a common occurrence. Several of these bones have been confirmed to be from children.” Maryse read off, looking disgusted.

“They ate children!” Maryse exclaimed. 

Luke grimaced, “Proves that humans are as animalistic as any other species.”

“How could a parent let their children be eaten?” Maryse asked, still horrified.

“They might not have had a choice.” Luke said gently, understanding the root of this horror. After months of doing anything to keep her son alive, it was unimaginable that any other parent wouldn’t do the same. 

“I would kill anyone who tried.” Maryse fumed. 

“Not everyone has the ability to be such a devoted mother like you.” Luke said honestly, but she seemed lost in thought. 

“When do you think parents started to love their kids?” She asked. “It seems like a recent occurrence. Every time I hear about how parents treated their kids even just a hundred years ago it doesn’t make sense to me.” 

“I think every mother loves their child to some degree, even animals. Have you watched nature documentaries?” 

“You mean when a lioness leaves her cub behind because it has a broken leg. Or how some eat their young as well.” 

“That same lioness would fight the male to the death for her cub. A gazelle would sacrifice its life to that lion to let her fawn live. Elephants mourn when another dies.” Luke said.

Maryse shook her head, “It's not fair. None of this is right.” 

“Nature is horrible, and as much as we’d like to believe we are above it, we are still a part of it. Grief, desperation, and love is something we all share.” 

  
  
  
  
  


Luke walked Maryse home, and to his delight she didn’t complain. He hoped it was because she didn’t want this night to end as much as he did. When they got to her apartment they stopped near the lobby entrance, and Maryse seemed to hesitate. 

He had already decided he wouldn’t push for more, their day was perfect, and he didn’t want to ruin any chance they had by rushing this. 

“I’d like to do this again sometime. Maybe dinner again? My treat?” Luke asked. They had stopped at Cleo’s for dinner, but Luke wanted to take her somewhere fancier. 

“That would be...acceptable.” She said, a shy smile blooming. 

Luke let out a breath of relief, “Great. Just let me know when you’re free.” 

She nodded, looking down at her hands as she wrung her hands together, a nervous habit Alec shared it seemed. “Look, we haven’t talked about a recent development.” 

Luke nodded, he hadn’t wanted to bring it up first, not wanting to bring up unpleasant memories for her. 

“Do you think the surgery will save him?” She asked. “What are the risks?” 

“I can’t tell you any specifics about his particular case, but I can tell you some general facts about the procedure.” Luke said, figuring that was a big enough loophole to go through legally.

Maryse nodded eagerly so he continued, “Any surgery has its complications, and this one-I mean, any surgery removing a tumor.” Maryse smiled at his attempt to keep it anonymous.

“Of course there are risks, and it’s experimental at best. I don’t want to get your hopes up, Mar. I can’t promise nothing will go wrong, but it might be the only chance he has.” Luke said gently, losing all hope of not getting personal. 

“So he might still die?” She whispered, looking smaller than he had ever seen. 

The lump in his throat almost made it impossible to respond, “Maybe. But he will definitely die if he doesn’t go through with it.” 

She nodded, lost in thought, and he despaired with her. He had never had children before, had never known that love, but he had seen enough to know that it was all consuming. 

“Thank you.” She said, “For being honest with me, and for always having Alec’s best interests in mind.” 

“I’m just doing my job.” Luke said, slightly embarrassed by her praise. 

“It’s so much more than that for me.” She replied, and the soft look on her face reminded him of when he used to be her hero. The one who punched a senior boy who had spread rumors about her their sophomore year in high school. Who held her when she cried when the pressure from her parents was too much for her to handle. 

He wanted more than anything to be that for her again. 

Quickly, too quick for him to even process, she leaned up and gave him a kiss on his cheek. His body warmed at the touch, and he melted just a bit. 

“Goodnight, Lucian.” 

He watched her walk away, and this time it didn’t hurt to watch her go. 

  
  


Luke practically floated home, replaying every perfect moment in his head. He couldn’t be presumptuous to say they were dating, but it was enough for him to be hopeful. 

He wondered if it was wrong to be happy, that his joy was selfish. He would never have met Maryse again had Alec never ended up in his office, with a growing tumor. He would never celebrate the fact that Alec was sick, and he would do anything to change the fact, but was it so bad to be grateful for what it’s done? 

_ No, you met Maryse at Cleo’s. Even if Alec never had been sick you still might’ve met her there that night.  _ That’s what he kept telling himself, at least. He was driven by his guilt of his complicated emotions and feelings towards Maryse to find some way to help her son. If he had any sense in his head he would’ve sent Alec to a different doctor, one that would be professionally indifferent towards his case. Luke had grown far too attached to be safe from this, if he couldn’t save Alec, he would have no hope in saving himself from it. 

His ringtone pulled him out of his musings, he pulled it out and saw Alec’s name on the screen. Panic bubbled inside, he had given Alec his number for emergencies after his seizure. 

“Alec? Is everything okay?” Luke asked. Belatedly he wondered if Alec had heard about his night with his mother, and was confronting him for his unprofessionalism. 

“Luke, I don’t think-” Alec broke off, sounding panicked. “God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you.”

“Do you need help? What’s wrong? Talk to me.” Luke demanded. Like hell he’d let this conversation go.

“I don’t know if I can go through with the surgery.”

  
  


_ Fuck.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is coming closer! So I thought I’d discuss some things coming up, so I will be mentioning some spoilers. 
> 
> There will be a character death (separate from Alec), but I will be giving warnings before the chapter. 
> 
> For the ending the first one posted will be the one where Alec lives. The alternate ending will be where he does not, and that will be the second one posted and I will make sure to let you know beforehand. 
> 
> A question I’ve gotten is if a wedding is going to happen... OF COURSE ❤️ 
> 
> Thank you for all your support and kind words! You’ve made this a lot of fun.
> 
> P.S I just saw Harry’s new movie trailer! I didn’t even know he was going to be in an upcoming movie so I’m super excited about that! Was anyone else like a teensy bit disappointed when his partner wasn’t Matthew? Like I don’t even know why I was shocked 😂


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND DEATH. 
> 
> Last chapter was fun and light with Maryse and Luke’s date. Let’s bring down the happy now, shall we?
> 
> Thank you for your continued support and patience!

**Alec**

  
  
  


He should be happy. He should be smiling from ear to ear, thanking every angel in the sky. Yet he felt like he was having an out of body experience, numbly floating in limbo. He had no reason to feel like this, he was given a miracle, an opportunity. One that anyone in his position would grab onto with both hands. 

Where he fell short in euphoria, Magnus made up for tenfold. Dancing while he made breakfast in the morning, saying hello to everyone who passed on the street, and Alec was sure he hadn’t stopped smiling since they left Dr. Garroway’s office.

This was everything he had been praying for, a cure for his illness, for his family to not suffer, to see Magnus truly happy again. So why couldn’t he just reach out and grab it? Why did the thought of this leave him breathlessly terrified? 

_ I can’t do this.  _

Alec paced the length of his living room, chewing on his thumbnail. Eventually, he wouldn’t be able to put this off anymore. Soon his family would be wondering when the surgery would be, asking when this nightmare would be over. 

He pulled out his phone and texted the group that Maia had named “Cancer Chat” which he had scoffed at. 

_ Meeting at my place ASAP.  _

  
  
  


Simon was the first to arrive, pushing through his front door, out of breath. “What happened? Are you okay?” 

Alec was touched by his concern, a concern that seemed to go beyond professional responsibility. “I’m not currently dying, so you can relax on that. I had another appointment with my doctor and found some new stuff out.” That was putting it lightly, but Alec was now embarrassed by his fear. 

Simon sighed in relief, “So you aren’t hurt?” 

Alec shook his head, almost wishing he was so then maybe his fears would be reasonable. Luckily, Andrew knocked on the door next, followed closely by Maia. 

“You all good?” Andrew asked, hanging his jacket up on the coat rack. 

Alec shrugged, “It’s stupid, really.” 

Maia threw herself down on the couch, “Well spit it out. What’s the matter?” 

“My doctor found a surgeon, someone who can possibly remove my tumor.” Alec said, their reactions were almost as exuberant as his family’s. 

Maia gasped, “Seriously? That’s incredible!” 

“Congratulations!” Andrew yelled out, smiling wider than Alec had ever seen him. Why couldn’t he feel as excited as everyone else? A warm body suddenly collided into his, squeezing him tightly.

“I’m so happy for you!” Simon wailed out, not letting up on his grip. “Your family must be over the moon right now. So when is your surgery? Is it here in New York?” 

“His name is Dr. Carstairs, I’d have to go to Dallas to see him, and they are going to want to see me for an evaluation before they even do the surgery.” Alec explained. 

“So what’s got you freaked out?” Maia asked. 

Alec took a deep breath, trying to calm his circling thoughts. “I mean, I could still die. This is “highly experimental” as my doctor said. It still might not work, and then I’ll die anyway. So which do I choose? Say yes to the surgery and possibly die sooner than if I hadn’t gone through with it?” 

“But it might also work and you get another sixty years.” Andrew pointed out. 

“That seems like a decent gamble.” Maia said. “You have something that every sick person dreams of, and you’re just going to throw it away?” 

“Cool it, Maia.” Simon said sternly. “Alec’s fears are completely valid, and they should be respected.” Maia huffed but sat back on the couch, her arms crossed. 

“I know I should be thrilled, but I’m scared.” Alec admitted, and it felt cathartic to finally say it out loud. “I just keep thinking about what it’s going to be like. If I die during surgery, am I going to know what’s happening? Or will I be asleep through it all? How do I let them put me under anesthesia knowing I might not wake up again?” 

No one seemed to have an answer for him, even Maia seemed speechless. 

“If I die a couple years from now it will be because I’m too sick to live anymore. By then I feel like I’d be so tired I’ll be ready for it. Right?” 

“I mean, maybe, but that’s still a big maybe. I just can’t imagine ever being ready to die.” Maia finally said. 

“But I’d have to walk into that hospital knowing I might be leaving in a body bag.” Alec spit out bitterly. “At least if I just let my time run out it’s not so definitive, I won’t know when it’s going to happen.” 

“I guess I just don’t understand why you’re scared.” Andrew finally said. “I mean, I do, but you also said you were going to kill yourself before it got that bad. I don’t see how that’s different from the surgery. Except for the fact you have everything to gain if you have the surgery.” 

Alec nodded absently, he did remember how relieved he had been when he made the decision to end his life before his illness destroyed him. Shouldn’t this be everything he wanted? 

“However,” Simon interrupted, “I don’t think we should encourage suicidal thoughts. Though, to piggyback off of that, I have to admit I’m a little confused too, you’ve never seemed to be afraid of dying, your fears seemed to stem from feeling like you’d be a burden.”

“I know!” Alec exclaimed, standing quickly to pace once again. “But now that my future is a little bit more concrete I’m just… I don’t know! I don’t know why I’m so afraid. I see my family so happy, and now they’re making plans for me again. They are expecting me to live now! I’m just going to crush them all over again when I  _ don’t.” _

“It drives me crazy that Lorenzo pushes so much on going to all these different doctors, I wish he’d give up sometimes.” Andrew said softly. “But I know he does it because he would rest easier at night when I’m gone knowing he did everything humanly possible to save me, than to lay awake at night agonizing over what we didn’t do.” 

“And you can’t be sure you won’t survive.” Maia said. 

“Ultimately, it’s your decision. I understand what you’re feeling, and I wish I had an answer for you.” Simon said. 

Alec wasn’t sure there was an answer to begin with. He could do it, he could have the surgery. At this point, did it really matter if he did die? He didn’t have anything to lose. His tumultuous emotions stilled slightly, a new clarity setting deep in his bones. 

He would call Dr. Carstairs first thing tomorrow morning. 

  
  
  
  


_ “Now, relax, Mr. Lightwood. Soon you won’t feel a thing.” A doctor told him, placing an oxygen mask on his face. “So what you’re breathing right now is just plain oxygen, nothing to fear.”  _

_ Alec took a deep breath, the cool air readily flowing through his lungs. The room was dark, he couldn’t make out any of the nurses and doctors faces, masks covering everything except the eyes. The surgical gloves touching face felt colder than what should be normal. Fear trickled through him. Where was Magnus? Or his mom? He wanted someone to hold him. _

_ “You’re going to begin to feel a little out of sorts, that’s natural. Do not fear. That’s just the anesthesia.”  _

_ His body began to feel heavy, and his head swam. Dizzily, he tried to sit up but found his wrists were tied down to the hospital bed.  _

_ “Let me go!” He shouted, but his voice was muffled under the mask.  _

_ “Hush, don’t fight this.” A faceless nurse whispered in his ear.  _

_ He tried to blink past the black spots littering his vision. “Stop.”  _

_ “It’s too late, Alec. Let go.”  _

_ “Stop! Please! I don’t want to die!” He screamed, but he wasn’t sure anyone could even hear him anymore. His tongue felt too heavy, his eyes were starting to close.  _

_ “I don’t want to die” he rasped out again, with no success. _

_ “Magnus, help me.”  _

  
  
  


Alec jerked awake, gasping, his body sweating. He scanned the room desperately, reality not quite returning to him yet. He was sprawled out on the sofa, he had fallen asleep after dinner while watching TV. Magnus wouldn’t be home from work for another few hours, working his last big wedding of the year. Usually, he was grateful when Magnus wasn’t home to witness his breakdowns, but now he just missed him, wanting his warmth to chase away the chill from the dream. 

_ It was just a dream.  _ But it wasn’t, it was a look into the possible future. God, he couldn’t do this. Why him? What had he ever done to deserve this? He didn’t want to die, he wasn’t ready. 

_ It’s not fair! _

With shaking hands he grabbed his cell phone from the coffee table, his decision made. 

“Alec? Is everything okay?” Dr. Garroway asked immediately, forgoing any formality. 

“Luke, I don’t think-” Alec broke off, suddenly realized he had called his doctor well after office hours just for his meltdown. “God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”

“Do you need help? What’s wrong? Talk to me.” Luke demanded. There was no way Luke would let this go now, even if Alec hung up Luke had Magnus’s number. And his mother’s apparently. 

“I don’t think I can go through with the surgery.” 

  
  


There was a long pause, and Alec felt as guilty as he had when he was a child, standing in front of his father admitting to his mistakes and preparing for punishment. 

“Okay.” Luke said, sounding unfocused. “Okay, why?” 

“I don’t know, I just can’t do it. I’m scared.” Alec said.

“I’m sure this is scary, a major surgery is enough to freak anyone out.” Luke replied. Alec relaxed slightly, Luke wasn’t upset with him. 

“No one can force you into the operating room.” Luke said.

“You don’t think I should do it either?” 

Luke hesitated, “I can only offer guidance as to what I think would be beneficial, I can’t make your medical decisions. I think you have a wonderful opportunity, but if you’re unwilling then I’ll call Dr. Carstairs and tell him you’ve had second thoughts.”

“No one will be mad at me?” Alec asked, feeling childish. 

“Dr. Carstairs? Not at all.” Luke said, bewildered.

“I mean my family.” 

“Yeah.” Luke said quietly. “They will probably take it really hard, but it’s not up to them.” 

“I just want you to tell me your honest opinion. Forget the professional bullshit!” Alec exclaimed with frustration.

“Fine. I think you should do it.” Luke said. “I think you’d be an idiot not to. Because if I call Carstairs and tell him you won’t do it, and you change your mind later, I can’t guarantee you have that kind of time to be indecisive.” 

Alec groaned, resting his head on his pulled up knees. He swore he could feel his tumor thrum with irritation. 

“Just don’t make any decisions right now, talk to Magnus about it. If anyone can get through your thick skull it’s him.” Luke huffed. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t tell him.” Alec said, his face whitening. If telling Magnus he wouldn’t be going through with the surgery doesn’t put him in cardiac arrest, he wasn’t sure what would. 

“It’s your choice, but that doesn’t leave you free from consequences.” Luke chided. 

“Well, aren’t you helpful.” Alec said bitterly. 

“I strive to be.” Luke replied cheerfully. “I’ll put off calling Carstairs until next week. Take some time to think it over, just don’t take too long.” 

That seemed to be everyone’s advice, yet they didn’t understand that Alec didn’t want to think it over. He was so tired of being stuck inside his own mind with his thoughts. 

  
  
  
  
  


Alec had already showered and was laying in bed by the time Magnus got home. He sat up taller, trying to focus on the book in his hands, but his nerves made him too anxious. Magnus quietly opened the door, and stuck his head in. He smiled when he saw Alec still awake.

“Darling, I thought you’d be sleeping.” Magnus said. 

Alec smiled weakly, “Just waiting for you.” 

“While I am pleasantly surprised, there’s no need for that.” Magnus said, he sat down next to Alec on the bed and stroked the back of his neck. 

“Oof, you feel tense.” Magnus said, and rubbed more firmly on his neck, working out the knots in his muscles. “You okay?” 

“Yeah, I fell asleep on the couch earlier. I guess I slept wrong.” Alec lied. 

Magnus cooed in sympathy, “My poor angel. Let me get ready for bed and then I’ll come give you a full body massage. Deal?” 

“Oh, you don’t have to.” Alec protested, but Magnus leaned forward and kissed all disagreements away. “Deal.” 

“I thought you’d see things my way.” Magnus quipped. He disappeared into the attached bathroom and he heard the shower turn on. Alec brought his attention back to his book, but he no longer cared for the story. 

Usually Magnus took a solid forty-five minutes in the bathroom, and that was him being quick, tonight it only took him twenty minutes, leaving Alec quite baffled. Magnus must have seen it on his face because he laughed it off and said, “Don’t start.” 

Magnus pulled the blankets back on his side of the bed and crawled in, tucking himself to Alec’s side. “Would you like that massage now?” 

How could Alec relax with Luke’s words twisting in his mind? He wanted to lie, to protect Magnus just a little bit longer, but that would be ruining all progress they had gained. Over and over it had been proven that they worked better together with everything out in the open. That hiding the pain only caused a deeper scar later. 

“Actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about first.” Alec said. 

Magnus pulled away, “That sounds serious.” 

“It is.”

Magnus sat up, blankets pooling around his hips. “Please, go ahead. What’s wrong?” 

“It’s about the surgery.” Alec started, and Magnus began to nod. 

“I thought so. You haven’t been yourself lately. Are you worried?” Magnus asked. Alec studied his face, trying to find any indication that Magnus was starting to panic, that he would pull away from Alec and retreat into himself. To his surprise, Magnus seemed calm. Confused, and maybe even a tad bit uneasy, but calm. 

“Yeah, I am. I mean, this all just so...overwhelming. I thought I was for sure going to die, and a part of me had gotten used to that.” 

“I understand that. This must feel like whiplash for you.” Magnus said. 

Alec nodded, relieved that Magnus understood. “Exactly, and while I don’t want to die I’m just not sure if the surgery is something I want to do.” 

Magnus stilled, his whole body alert. Alec couldn’t even hear his breathing. It was at that moment that Alec realized that maybe Magnus didn’t quite get where Alec was planning on taking the conversation. 

“It’s not like I’m decided or anything.” Alec hurried on, “I just wanted you to know what I’m thinking about.” 

Magnus continued to stare at him, his eyes wide. Finally, Alec could see Magnus take a deep breath. And another. And another.

“Okay.” Magnus finally said.

“Okay?” Alec asked. What was that even supposed to mean? 

“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Alexander. Clearly you know my opinion on the matter, but I’m trying to be more sensitive to...all of this.” 

“So you’re okay if I don’t do it?” That didn’t at all match up with what Alec knew of Magnus. 

“God, no!” Magnus gasped. “Of course I want you to have the surgery, I’m just struggling to wrap my head around the fact that you  _ don’t. _ ” 

“No, I do, it’s just that I also don’t.” Alec tried to explain, but he was far too mixed up inside to coherently discuss his feelings. 

“How about we start with why you don’t want to.” Magnus said. 

He sighed, wishing for the magic to just let Magnus inside his head. “It’ll be like I’m being put down like a dog.” 

Magnus gave him a confused look, but motioned for him to continue. “You know, I’ll go into the operating room and they will put that fucking oxygen mask on me, and they will all act so confident that I’m going to be okay, but they will be just as nervous as I am. Once they put me under, I might not come back up. I just imagine them telling me to lay back and close my eyes, as if it’s not the last time I ever will.” 

“Oh.” Magnus sighed, his shoulders slumped down. 

“Do you see what I mean?” Alec asked desperately.

“Yes. I can see why that would be quite terrifying.” Magnus said, looking at his hands folded in his lap.

“I talked to Simon, Andrew and Maia about it.” Alec admitted. 

“What did they think about it?” Magnus asked, still not looking up from his hands. 

“I think they all want me to do it, that if I’m going to die I might as well die trying to find a cure. I called Luke too and he pretty much said the same thing. He was mostly worried about if I told the surgeon in Dallas I didn’t want the surgery and I changed my mind, I wouldn’t have time to schedule another one before I…” he trailed off. 

Magnus whipped his head up, “You didn’t call the surgeon yet, right? Please tell me you haven’t told him you weren’t going to see him.” 

“Of course I haven’t talked to him yet. I was going to call him tomorrow morning to get everything set up actually.” 

Magnus sighed with relief, “You’re going to see him first before making any decisions?” 

That had never even crossed Alec’s mind, to talk with the surgeon first to get more information. “I mean, I could. I haven’t really thought that far ahead.” 

Magnus reached over and held Alec’s hands, “Maybe we should do that first. I completely agree with Dr. Garroway, it would be a lot easier to cancel a surgery last minute than schedule one.”

Alec shook his head, “But, what if in the end, I still decide not to do it?” 

“Then at least it would be an informed decision based on all the correct facts needed.” Magnus said, his voice sounding falsely cheerful.

“You would still want me to do it though.” Alec claimed.

“Alexander, I’m trying.” Magnus said, his face falling. “I see it differently from you though. You have to go through the pain and sickness in a way I never will. On my side, I see the man I love falling away from me, and I am willing to do anything to keep that from happening. If this surgery is the only chance you have then I can’t see any reason why we shouldn’t be in Dallas right now trying to get that tumor removed. It’s not about me though, and I know that this is way more complicated than that. I just love you too much to give up.” 

“I love you too, Magnus. I’m not giving up, I promise. I’m just confused on what giving up really means right now.” Alec said, he lifted Magnus’s hand and kissed his palm, and Magnus curled his fingers as if holding the kiss in his hand. 

“I’ll call Dr. Carstairs tomorrow and try to find a time when we can head down there to visit.” Alec continued. Magnus smiled at him, but Alec could still see the pain in his eyes. It was almost enough for Alec to just say screw it and ignore all his fears and go through with the surgery immediately.

Almost.

  
  
  
  



	35. Chapter 35

**Alec**

  
  


“I’m so glad to hear from you, Alexander.” Dr. Carstairs said cheerfully from the other end of the phone line. 

“Um, just Alec is fine.” Alec said lamely. Magnus snickered at him from the stove where he was making breakfast.

“Alec. So, I’ve talked with Dr. Garroway, and your oncologists, and I’ve been sent your file, so I have a pretty clear picture of your diagnosis. And while I’m willing, it’s not without risks, and I need your to be aware of that before we proceed. I make no promises.” 

“Yeah, that’s what Dr. Garroway said.” Alec murmured. “How exactly does this work?” Magnus set a plate of eggs and bacon in front of him, then sat down in the chair next to him.

“Well, I’d like to see you beforehand, I have the scans from your hospital, but I’d like to have some of my own. This is going to sound daunting, but I promise this is common. We would be doing what’s called an awake craniotomy, and just like the name suggests, you will be awake for the surgery.”

“Holy shit.” Alec nearly dropped the phone, and Magnus gave him an alarmed look then mouthed  _ “Speakerphone.”  _ Alec fumbled with the buttons before Dr. Carstairs voice echoed through the room. 

“I know it sounds brutal, but I promise you won’t feel a thing. There aren’t actually any pain receptors in the brain itself, so we will put you under to open the skull, but we will wake you for the actual surgery. We do this to avoid causing any brain damage, we need to be able to see that you can still talk or move your arms and legs. There are patients who don’t even remember the surgery at all.” Dr. Carstairs explained. 

Magnus’s face paled, and his hand flew to his mouth. He looked as horrified as he did when he first learned of the tumor. Alec was sickened with himself, but he felt a twinge of happiness, finally Magnus was taking this as seriously as he was. 

“So, the risks.” Alec urged. 

“Not pleasant, but many other surgeries have the same complications. Seizures, strokes, hemorrhaging, nerve damage, and loss of mental functions, and even death.” 

“This is Magnus, Alec’s fiancé,” Magnus interrupted, “How common is death?” 

“The statistics aren’t set yet, since there are so many variables, but it's rare. I’m not saying that death won’t occur, I’m just saying it’s not as common as some think.” Dr. Carstairs said.

Magnus let out a sigh of relief, and nodded, even though the doctor couldn’t see him. 

“I’m more concerned about the loss of mental functions.” Alec said. “Does that mean you could strike a nerve and suddenly I won’t be able to see colors or talk?” 

“It’s more memory loss, or paralysis.” 

“I won’t be able to  _ walk?”  _ Alec asked incredulously. He wouldn’t be doing this, let the doctor put him down, he didn’t care anymore. He refused to live his life halfway. 

“If you did lose function in limbs, it is likely they would return. You would be going to rehabilitation, the sooner it returns the better your recovery. However, if after a few months without recovery, you would probably never have complete mobility again.” 

Magnus reached out and squeezed his arm, “Let’s not worry about that.” He whispered quietly, “I would never leave you, and we would be able to adapt.” 

“I understand there are a lot of risks involved, but I would never agree to perform the surgery if I didn’t believe I was qualified enough to.” Dr. Carstairs continued.

“But you said you won’t make any promises.” Alec said accusingly. Magnus rubbed his back to soothe him, and it irritated him. He didn’t want to be soothed right now. 

“I’m optimistic, not certain.” Dr. Carstairs said. At this point, that was the most Alec could hope for. 

They continued their conversation, Magnus taking the lead through most of it, when it came time to scheduling an appointment to see him Magnus emphasized with “Absolute  _ soonest  _ you have available.”

And there it was, Alec was scheduled an appointment the second Tuesday of March for a consultation visit and scans. After that, an appointment would be made for his surgery. 

“Thank you so much for speaking with us, Dr. Carstairs. We will see you in February.” Magnus said, and hung up the phone. Alec expected him to leap for joy, or cry, or laugh. But he just sat there, staring at his grapefruit. 

“You okay?” Alec asked, when the silence became deafening. 

“I should be asking you that.” Magnus joked weakly. He looked up, and Alec saw his lip quiver. 

“Are you scared?” 

Magnus let out a breath, “I’ve been scared since the beginning. How do you feel? Do you feel better about the surgery?” 

“Honestly? No.” Alec said. “I didn’t think there would be something worse than death, but he managed to bring it to life. God, Magnus. They’re going to operate on my brain. While I’m awake!” 

Magnus winced, “I know. It’s horrible.” 

“But you’d still want me to do it.” 

“Yes.” Magnus admitted. His voice was breathy and broken, like he was ashamed of wanting it. “I know that isn’t fair of me, but it’s how I feel.” 

“I’m not mad.” Alec said. He had spent the whole night thinking about how he would feel if Magnus was the one who was sick, and Alec had to watch from the sidelines. He grudgingly admitted to himself that he also would latch on this, for the slightest chance of forever. 

It wasn’t fair of Alec to make Magnus let go, when he himself would never dare to if the situation was reversed.

“You’re not?” Magnus asked hesitantly.

“Look, I know I’m on the fence about all of this, with good reason in my opinion, but I don’t blame you for trying to get me in that operating room. I don’t want you to think that I’m expecting you to not be upset about whatever choice I make, I couldn’t imagine my life without you, and it wouldn’t be right of me to make you pretend that you can either. So whatever opposition you have, I want to hear it. Whatever you’re feeling, I don’t want you to hide it. You’ve been telling me over and over again that you would stay with me no matter what, but you need to believe that I’m in it as well.” Alec explained.

Magnus sighed and rested his head in his hands, wiping irritatedly at his eyes. “God, I can’t believe how fucked up this all is. I miss when the toughest decision we had to make was what takeout to order.” 

Alec snorted, “Tell me about it. But just wait, if I ever get better it’ll be weird when we aren’t worried about my health.” 

There was a sour look that crossed Magnus’s face but he didn’t reply. Alec quickly thought back to what he said, trying to see what he would’ve been upset about.  _ If I get better, not when.  _

“Well,” Magnus finally said, “I suppose I better get ready for work. Big day ahead of me and all.” 

As he left the table Alec couldn’t help but notice he didn’t even touch his breakfast. 

  
  
  
  


It felt strange for Alec now to watch the season cool to winter, and see the snow start to fall. He had never given thought to the passing time before, of the vibrancy of summer falling ill to autumn before perishing to winter. Alec shook his head and turned away from the window, blaming the sudden chill he felt on the draft. 

  
  
  
  


Alec shoved his hands deeper in his pockets, and tucked his chin under his scarf, avoiding Santa ringing a bell for a donation. He wasn’t usually a Scrooge to the holidays, but the Christmas songs sounded like nails on a chalkboard to him. Every display window of Christmas trees, wreaths, and mistletoe just looked gaudy. He was on a mission today, so he’d like to think under other circumstances he wouldn’t be so bitter.

Magnus’s birthday was in a couple of days, and for the life of him he couldn’t think of a single thing to get him. Then after his birthday, Christmas would only be a couple weeks away, and he would need another gift by then. Every time he asked Magnus he would get some vague answer of not knowing what he wanted. Previous years Magnus would have a detailed list of everything he wanted. Alphabetized. 

Magnus had assured him that the small dinner party he was planning with his friends was more than enough, but Alec wasn’t convinced. He wanted to give Magnus the world, yet had no clue how to go about that. 

“So are we just going to walk around until something catches your eye?” Jace asked as they walked into the department store. 

“You have a better idea?” Alec replied. “Do you even know what you’re getting Clary?” 

“I already ordered it online weeks ago.” Jace said with a shrug. “There are these fancy paints she wants to try, but they are made in France so I’ve been on a waiting list for a while now, but it should be here by Christmas.” 

Alec shook his head, “How do you have it figured out before me? That never happens.” 

“You’re overthinking it. What’s something he’s been interested in?” Jace asked. 

He couldn’t really think of anything that Magnus had shown an interest in, or something that caught his eye. Unfortunately, Magnus had been single mindedly focused on him and his health that he hadn’t even enjoyed his usual hobbies. Usually, Magnus loved to try new skin care, or makeup, but his face had been adorned with far less eyeliner and shadow than normal. He hadn’t heard a word from Magnus of a new book he had been wanting to read, or any kind of craft he wanted to try. 

The most horrific thing to come of Alec’s illness was the lack of passion that sparked Magnus’s life. 

“He’s had a lot on his mind lately.” Alec explained lamely. 

Jace gave him a sympathetic look, “Yeah, I guess he has.” 

He tried to avoid Jace’s eyes by rummaging through the rack of sweaters. Maybe Magnus would like new pretty things to wear? 

“Okay, forget about that. What about something you've wanted to do with him. Maybe sex toys?” 

Alec quickly glanced around to make sure no one heard before hissing to Jace, “No, shut your mouth.” 

“Why? It doesn’t seem like a bad idea to me.” Jace insisted.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but my stamina is basically nonexistent. I’d hardly embarrass myself by giving him gifts we have no use for.” The thought of giving Magnus a toy for him to try on his own felt...emasculating. 

“Oh. Right.” Jace cringed, his ears turning pink.

“Can we just stop talking for a while?” Alec begged, the heat from embarrassment traveling down his neck to his chest. 

Jace raised his hands in surrender, quietly following behind as Alec looked through every department. 

_ New kitchen stuff? _ No _.  _

_ Jewelry?  _ Magnus already had a drawer full. 

_ Cologne?  _ He had stopped wearing cologne ages ago, when the smell of it made Alec’s nauseous after chemotherapy. 

It felt like he had searched every inch of the store and more before finally giving up. It was official. He had no idea of what was relevant to Magnus’s life anymore. 

God, it might be better for Magnus if he was far away from the tragedy of his life now. 

_ That’s it!  _

Excited with his new epiphany, Alec turned to Jace, “I have the perfect idea. What if I got him reservations to a spa or something? Maybe one for Catarina too. They could have a relaxing weekend together.” 

Jace looked dubious, “Are you sure? Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to go with him?” 

Alec waved off his concern, “I’d hardly be relaxing company, and I think what Magnus needs is time  _ away  _ from sickness. Besides, Catarina works too hard, it’d be good for her too.” 

Jace seemed to think about it before slowly nodding. “Yeah, yeah. I like that. That could work.” 

He felt the buzz of excitement at his idea, relieved that he could give something nice to his fiancé. The best thing for Magnus was a break from the stress and demand of his life. Of Alec’s life. 

  
  
  
  
  


“You didn’t have to go through all of this trouble.” Magnus said as he watched Alec set the table. It was Magnus’s birthday, and all he said he wanted was a quiet dinner with friends. So while he was at work Alec spent the day getting ready. He put in more effort than normal in his appearance, wearing a dark purple button up and black slacks, he even shined his shoes. Magnus had said he wanted spaghetti for dinner with a homemade sauce. Alec wanted to take it a step further and make homemade bread for the garlic bread as well. 

“It’s your birthday, a special occasion.” Alec said. He went to the fridge to grab that extra expensive wine that Magnus liked, but only got to have a few times a year.

“It’s not like you asked for much at all this year anyway.” Alec continued. “As far as I’m concerned, I haven’t done enough.” 

“Here, sit down, you’ve probably been on your feet all day.” Magnus said, pulling out a chair from the table for him.

Alec rolled his eyes, “I’m fine, Magnus. I feel great.” He wasn’t lying, he had felt fine all day, a little tired but nothing he couldn’t handle. 

“It’s just that you look a little pale.” Magnus fretted. 

“It’s December and I have cancer. I’m always pale.” 

Magnus pulled him closer, “Just let me know if this gets to be too much, okay?” 

“You’re worrying over nothing, but I promise.” Alec assured him. 

“It’s never over nothing, Alexander.” Magnus said sternly. He was saved by a knock on their door, he gave Magnus a small kiss in apology and pulled away, and gave Magnus a light nudge to their door for him to let Catarina and Ragnor in. 

“Smells amazing, Alec!” He heard Catarina call out from the entryway, he turned and saw her rush in, still dressed in scrubs. “I am starving. A twelve hour day, no lunch break. I might just eat it straight from the pot.” 

Alec smiled, “I’ve never made this before, it could be gross.” 

“I could eat a meal  _ Izzy  _ made at the moment. Dish that pasta out.” 

“Of course, dear Catarina.” Magnus said, Ragnor walking beside him. “You get positively mean when you’re hungry, we should avoid that at all costs. Everyone sit. You too, Alexander. I’ll bring the food out.” Magnus said, and Alec could hear the threat beneath his words. 

Catarina smiled at him as Magnus disappeared into the kitchen, “Is he hovering again?” 

“Not as bad as before, we are both trying to be more understanding of each other’s feelings.” Alec said. 

“It is refreshing to see Magnus take a pause before he rants incoherently.” Ragnor griped. 

“Oh, shut it.” Catarina scolded. “Magnus loves Alec, of course he would be worried.” 

“Thank you, Catarina.” Magnus said from behind him, making Alec jump in surprise. “You all are not nearly as quiet as you wanted to be.” He set down the bowl of cooked noodles, and sauce, then went back to grab the bread and wine. 

“Don’t tell him, but sometimes I like the attention from him.” Alec whispered to Catarina. She winked and made a gesture of zipping her lips. 

“Ugh.” Ragnor scoffed and pretended to gag. “I sincerely hope this dinner isn’t so lovey-dovey.” 

“You better not be talking to Alexander, Cabbage.” Magnus said, entering the room once again. “I encourage all sentiments of romance from him. Plus, it’s my birthday. So I get to have whatever I want.” 

“I only got you a gift card. I hope you weren’t expecting more.” Ragnor retorted.

“I’ve always had low expectations of you.” Magnus snapped back. 

And just like that, it was like how it was before cancer. Where Magnus could relax and be his old self again. He shone tonight, and Alec was practically blinded by his light. 

With Catarina’s urging they dug into their food, and Alec was even impressed with himself. It was good, really good. The sauce was robust and hearty, and he had mixed spicy sausage with the beef, giving it a bit of a kick. 

“Oh, Alec.” Catarina moaned around her fork. “If Magnus doesn’t marry you soon I’m going to snatch you up myself.” 

Magnus rested his hand on Alec’s, “I would murder you, dear friend. Cheerfully.” 

Conversation was lively in between bites of food and sips of wine. Magnus stopped him at one glass and gave him sparkling juice instead. He wanted to argue but saw Cat nod in approval so he didn’t have much backup.

“Are you ready for gifts?” Alec asked, after they finished their supper. 

Magnus perked up, “You haven’t given me any hints at all at what you got me. I’ve been dying of curiosity.” 

Alec got up to grab the gifts Cat and Ragnor left on the coffee table, and snagged the envelopes he hid in his dresser as well.

The table had been cleared off when he got back, and set the gift bags on the table in front of Magnus. He reached for the largest first, with sparkly silver tissue paper. 

“That one is from me.” Ragnor said as Magnus tore out the paper. 

“Oh, I knew you didn’t get me a gift card!” Magnus cried out with joy as he pulled out two eyeshadow pallets and a makeup brush set. Alec managed to read the words “Morphe” and “NARS” on a couple of the pallets. 

“Happy Birthday. Don’t expect anything for Christmas.” Ragnor grumbled, but Alec knew he was lying. Ragnor was like that, he hid his affection behind snippy words, but everyone knew he was mush on the inside.

“Mine next.” Catarina said, pushing her gift forward. 

Quickly, Magnus unraveled the ribbons, and opened a shoe box, and even Alec lost his breath to them. They were gorgeous, and exactly the kind of shoes Magnus would wear. Dark green and purple Oxfords, shining and glittering. 

“Catarina! These are exquisite! Now I have to go shopping for several outfits to match.” Magnus said. “I want to be buried in these shoes.” 

“I’m glad you liked them. When I saw them I knew they belonged on your feet.” 

Magnus carefully set his shoes back in the box, then turned to Alec. His expression was hopeful and expectant. 

“Well, I didn’t just get you a gift.” Alec stalled, his gift seemed lame in comparison. He gave one envelope to Magnus, then gave the other to Catarina. She looked surprised but took it from him. 

Magnus ripped the top off the envelope and pulled out the spa gift certificate. Catarina stared at hers like the words were in a foreign language.

“I figured you two could have a spa day together.” Alec explained, his cheeks stained red. “I know since I got diagnosed you haven’t spent too much time for yourself. I appreciate everything you do, but I want you to take care of yourself too. You need to have fun with your friends. I can’t be the only thing in your life anymore.”

“Thank you, Alexander.” Magnus said quietly, and Alec felt humbled by the love in his voice. 

“You’re the best!” Catarina hollered and jumped up to hug him. “I need some TLC and a massage pronto. The hospital is draining the life out of me.” 

Magnus and Catarina went over their schedules, finding a day they both had off, while Alec went to the kitchen to cut the cake. Layered chocolate with raspberry jam, and fudge frosting. Alec cringed at the sweetness of it, but sweets were Magnus’s guilty pleasure. 

“That was very nice of you.” Ragnor said from behind. Alec jerked back, he hadn’t heard Ragnor walk in. 

“Oh, it was nothing.” Alec said. 

Ragnor stood next to Alec and rested his hip on the kitchen counter, his arms crossed. Alec wasn’t easily intimidated, but he felt like a child called into the principal's office.

“How have you been?” Ragnor asked. 

“Fine. I’ve been fine.” Alec stammered. 

“I see.” There was a hidden meaning beneath his words, he was sure of it. “Magnus told me about the assisted suicide.” 

The wind was knocked out of Alec’s chest. He remembered Magnus telling him about that, but didn’t think Ragnor would confront him. He wasn’t even sure that was what he even wanted.

“Good for you.” Ragnor said, then turned back into the dining room. 

He approved? Alec stood there, struck dumb with confusion. He had thought for sure any friend of Magnus’s would wholeheartedly take his side. And in a twisted way Alec felt...validated. Like he wasn’t insane, and that someone who wasn’t even sick or involved in their drama could see his side. 

Alec felt weird all over, dizzy and his chest was starting to constrict. Was he really so affected by Ragnor’s acceptance? Alec went to reach for a plate, but his arm was stiff. 

_ Oh no.  _ His vision started to blur, and he knew he was having another seizure. He tried to yell for help but his words were stuck in his throat. Shakily, he tried to sit down on the floor, but it was more of a stumbling collapse than anything. 

“Alexander?” The voice sounded muffled, like it was far away. 

“Oh, god.” He heard, and felt someone try to lift him up. “Catarina!” 

“Magnus, step back, give him room.” Catarina ordered. She gently pushed Alec to lay down on his side, then looked at her watch to time his seizure.

“Is he okay?” Magnus asked, as out of it Alec was he could still hear the panic in his voice. 

“He will be. He’s not unconscious, not every seizure will be as major as his first.” Cat told him. 

Slowly, Alec began to feel his limbs a little better, and the ringing in his ears was going away. He tried to focus on his breathing to help with the nausea. 

“I’m okay.” He finally rasped out. He tried to sit up but Cat stopped him.

“Wait a little bit longer. Don’t try to stand up if you’re still dizzy.” 

“Darling? How do you feel? Should I call Dr. Garroway?” Magnus asked. 

“No, I’m okay. We knew these were going to happen.” Alec said. He sat up again, with the support of Cat and Magnus. He tried to give Magnus a reassuring smile, but saw his face was pale, and his eyes were far too wide for Alec’s liking. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I feel great now, I’m a little tired but everything else seems to be in place.” 

Magnus’s grip on him tightened, “Ragnor, would you mind helping with taking Alec to our bedroom so he can get some rest?” 

“Of course.” Ragnor replied quietly. 

To his horror, Magnus and Ragnor lifted him off the ground and started to carry him to bed.

“Put me down, I can walk!” 

Magnus’s face turned stoic, but didn’t reply. Ragnor didn’t even look at him. Catarina walked in front of them to open their bedroom door, and pull down the sheets. 

“I’ll be out in a moment after I help Alec get comfortable.” Magnus said, subtly dismissing them. 

“I’m really okay. I’m just sorry that I-” 

“No.” Magnus interrupted. “No apologizing, please.” 

“But you’re upset.” Alec insisted, feeling horrible. 

“Yes. Watching you have a seizure was upsetting. That doesn’t mean I’m upset with  _ you.  _ The only thing to make me feel better is to see you cuddled in this bed, and resting.” Magnus said in an even tone. He watched as Magnus went to his dresser and pulled out his favorite pair of pajamas, his heart clenched at Magnus’s thoughtfulness, but when Magnus started to unbutton his shirt he realized he intended to dress him as well.

“I’ve got it.” Alec mumbled, trying to push Magnus’s hands away. 

“Let me.” 

Alec leaned back again, allowing Magnus to have better access. He might as well let him have this one thing if it made him feel better. After all, he ruined a wonderful evening and Magnus’s birthday party. 

He had been with Magnus for years, and had fallen apart in front of him countless times. He had cleaned him up when he was sick, and held him when he cried. In addition, Magnus was also the one to take him apart, lovingly torturing him in the sweetest ways when they made love, and they had never been shy with their physical needs. 

Yet with all that, Alec had never felt so exposed as when Magnus carefully dressed him in his pajamas. The intimacy more overwhelming than anything Alec had ever known. 

When Magnus was finished, he pulled the blankets over Alec and kissed his forehead. “I’m going to finish up with Catarina and Ragnor. Try to get some sleep.” 

“I’m sorry.” Alec couldn’t resist saying again. “I ruined your birthday.”

Magnus shook his head, he raised his hand and gently stroked his cheek, “Darling, every day I get with you is a gift. You could never ruin anything for me. Good night, my Alec. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” He tried to fight it, but it wasn’t long until he fell into the most restful sleep he had ever known. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the next chapter will be a Christmas one. In February. I was going to make it an extra long chapter to make up for it, but then I got a couple of teeth pulled and I’m being a huge wuss about it. So I figured I would post this chapter first, then post the Lightwood Christmas party next. It’s been far too long since I’ve been on. My sincerest apologies. 
> 
> I hope you all had a wonderful and safe holiday season! 
> 
> Also, please ignore any medical inaccuracies. I have like 15 tabs open on my laptop about cancer that my FBI agent must be incredibly concerned for me. 😂


End file.
